shutterbug

...however, my private message box is full and who knows when i'll get around to clearing it out again. lol

i know that some of you worry about me and i'm sorry that i say things that make anyone worry. i just get overwhelmed a lot (especially lately) and have to journal about it. But i'm okay. really.

Here is a modified version of the reply i was going to send LiveWeyerd (but her pm box is also full! LOL.) so i hope she won't mind me responding here:

Thanks for caring so much.

my new addy will be the old one. Tena, I will be mailing you soon so that will have my old, but new again, addy on it.

i am not suicidal at the moment, just tired of fighting so hard for nothing and VERY MUCH not looking forward to moving.

In fact, I re-read through some of my old posts last night from 2005 and apparently i was having thoughts of suicide back then too. I made it through that last major depressive episode, so i'm sure i'll be able to do it again.

I'm just probably going to continue whining about it....alot....and then some more....for wwwaaayyyyyy too long. lol

---
i just got back home (as much as it can be for the next week or so more) and it feels peaceful here. I'd straightened up the place before i left to go to sis's several days ago and it was really nice to come back to that.

I had been working toward organizing and decluttering the place (and all my hundreds and hundreds of random papers and things relating to taxes, lawsuits, health stuff and bills).....so just when i felt like i was starting to get a handle on my the physical home life i live in....now i've got to pack it all up and store it randomly wherever it will all fit in the old house until i can get the place half-way decent enough to live in. And i haven't a clue how long it will take to get that place livable to where i will be able to unpack and try to make another 'home' for myself. So that's something i try not to think about very much.

Part of me....is looking forward to SOME of the things. I mean, it's a project that i hope will help keep me from becoming catatonic again, but then I think about the energy involved and it just seems overwhelming right now.

Anyway, i'll be staying at sis's with my nephews for as long as this whole up-rooting process takes.

Thank you all for caring so much about me. Although, I really wish people wouldn't worry so much about me. I don't want any of my issues causing any worry or stress for anyone else. really.

Like i said, i just whine a lot.

i'm pretty sure that if it ever comes down to a point where i ever make that kind of final decision to end things in some kind of manner....that i would most definetly tell you guys here goodbye and how much i love you all so much and thank you for everything you have all been here with me through.

But, i'm not at that point.
So there's no need to worry.
Because there is nothing to worry about.
I'm okay right now.

I just wish i could make the guy call or write me....and show interest in me again (but i realize he could help me feel better now, and then could make things MUCH worse later if we got involved.....any guy has that kind of power over me once i let them in.....and i have unfortunately let him in.....and don't know how to get him back out. lol)

I've been staying with my sis and nephews most of the time and so i am safe there. In fact, i've already agreed to babysit my nephews Friday night.

I'm also looking at more far fetched kinds of career opportunities than i'd not been open to before and that feels a little fun.

i don't know that i could ever live in New York very long (tho my sis would LOVE it), but there is currently an opening at a greeting card company that mainy produces FUNNY imagr cards and messages. I have several images i've taken myself that would already fit in with exactly the kind of 'image eye' they are looking for. And i think it would be me dealing more with creating fun concepts in photoshop!!! which is the area of photography/imaging i'd starting leaning more toward last year. I really enjoy playing around in photoshop and doing that kind of creative stuff (photoshop imaging makes me feel like a painter with a brush in my hand and a canvas in front of me, only it's a digital canvas and a lot of times I get to use 1 or more already created images to produce something i feel is a true piece of art....i've never felt like a 'true' artist taking news photos b/c i was only capturing what was already there).

So....there's another project i have going on - to put together a resume, portfolio and cover letter that would have them hunting me down and paying me to move to New York along with a giant salary. lol. Hey, no harm in dreaming right!

And i've come to see there are lots of companies i can try and market my images to (images i've already taken or what-have-you). So that can be another project.

Tena, thank you for saying you wish you were here with me, but I don't want to subject anyone else to my messes right now. One day when i get my life back in order, however, i'm going to take you up on your offer and come visit you . i would enjoy that. Perhaps when i get that NY job...i can make a little 'side-trip' during my move to NY, lol.

love you doll. you're the best.
Jenna





:ghug2

Live

Thanks for your upfront message!

Laughing...do you really think I could find your old address?????? Then I would have to have MY paperwork organized.

When I checked into the hospital because of obsessive suicidal thoughts and planning, my pdoc explained to my sis that suicidal thinking is to be expected with depression...but they still changed my meds and held me for 5 days.

That greeting card thing sounds really cool! Do I know what your other project is or is it top secret. Or, oh yeah, THAT!? Klunk. Sometimes I am slow at the pickup!

Well, you know I love you, right? Right!

Now I have to do something other than stay parked at the computer. Man, did I freak when I thought the storm fried it! And I was sad that I would be parted from my story that I am making up as I go.

Going to turn the computer over to hubs, he has been so good to me and us today!
Got my refills and the stuff for the baby fish and ice cream!!!! And soft drinks!!!!
Livin' in high cotton! LOL

historyteach

Really good to see you feeling so much brighter, Jenna!
And yes, I was worried.
So, it's great to see you with another interest; that photoshop sounds cool!
And a prospective job???
Even cooler!

Tena,
I'm glad that man of yours is starting to see what a prize he has, and is treating you right!

Shalom!