maggie49

Hi , I am a Mom, who is so concerned about my son. He is an adult and I know there really isn't anything I can do to help my son and his wife who are both alcoholics. I realize they need to help themselves. The hard part is watching how their lives are being destroyed. They are toxic together. Over a year ago they did separate and my son went for treatment and counselling and did very well for a while until they got back together again.
I guess what brings me to this forum is that recently my son was beaten unconscious while at a party. The other man and him had had words earlier and then later this man jumped him. He ended up in hospital with a concussion and numerous other injuries. He is recovering and is back at work. I thought this might be the wake up call or the bottom but apparently it isn't. He was drinking again when we saw him a few days ago much to my disappointment.
We lost our daughter almost two years ago, to a horrible kidney infection, and we are all still grieivng her loss which was very sudden and unexpected.
My biggest fear is losing my son as well to alcoholism or violence. Hiswife sometimes sleep s with a knife uner her pillow casue she gets paranoid when she drinks and violent.
It all seems so hopeless to me at times.
Is there anything I can say or do to motivate him to get treatment or go to AA.
Can anyone offer me some hope or advice?

starflier

Hello, Maggie49, and welcome to SR! I'm new here, too, but I can tell you there are wonderful, helpful people here who will come along shortly and give you some great advice. I have lost two children, so I know only too well the pain you are experiencing. I hope for the best for your son. Can you describe your current level of interaction with him?

nochance

i to am new to this maggie but reading ur story about ur son reminds me of myself. first he has got to want to go of it.and when he does he will c what a caring and helpful mother he has.stay strong maggie u know u can.

maggie49

Hi Starflier, Thanks for your welcome. It's good to be here amongst people who understand the grief we go through on many levels.
Lets see if I can decribe my interactions with my son. I have quit "nagging him" about his drinking becasue I have found he tells me what I want to hear. He rarely calls us, and we don't see him and his wife very often. Any plans we make for getting together results in a last minute call from them saying they can't make it. Even plans for themselves evaporate. So when we do talk to our son, it's generalities and loving support when he does talk about getting sober. I would say we're friendly and good listeners, and supportive, not of his drinking but of him .
I think he avoids us cause he feels guilty and ashamed of his life.
He has very strong work ethic and has done so well at his job and has worked his way up in the company. He makes a good salary as well. I am proud of what he has accomplished but fear that he may lose it all one of these days. I can't comprehend how he does so well at work and keeps that together.

maggie49

Hi Nochance, Thanks for your encouragment, tell me about your son ...
and how you cope..

Barbara52

Welcome Maggie. I am sorry you are in this situation.

There are others in here who are dealing with alcoholic children. I'm sure they will be around sooner or later.

Do you go to AlAnon? If not you might want to give it a try to help yourself and get support. The bottom line is only your son can choose to help himself. If our words could get thru to them, none of us would be in here seeking answers. You might want to look into doing an intervention but other than that there isn't much you can do to break thru to your son and get him to recognize he needs help.

maggie49

Hi Barbara 52, No I don't go to Alanon. I understand the bottom line and wish it wasn't so, but it is.
An intervention may be helpful, but wouldn't know how to go about it. We would probably have to involve his employer since he would need time off to go into treatment. Not sure if that is a good idea, interfering with his livelihood, If he has to lose his job due to his alcohol addicition I'd want it to be his responsibility and consequence instead of blaming me.
I just have to let him go and whatever happens.... happens. That's the hard part , waiting for the shoe to drop.

maggie49

Starflier, if you ever want to talk about the loss of your children, please feel free to talk to me. I'm sure we can relate .
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

Spiritual Seeker

I have been working the 12 steps through alanon as way to transform my life in the last 5 yrs. as my only child a 24 yr.old son in an addict/alcoholic like your son.

I have encouraged my son 3 times into treatment ctrs. It takes a long time ea. time and ea. time I have to detach and wait until he is more ready and just suffered conseqences enough to be willing.

The loss of your daughter is beyond my comprehension, so sorry. But I do know the very real fear for your son due to the fatal illness of addiction.
It is a fine line protecting ourselves, living to our fullest and wanting to do for them what they are unable to do for themselves, which is survive.
I always let my son know that I am available to help him when he is ready for treatment.
I never lose contact with him, even when his addiction makes it hard for him to be
in a relationship with me.

Best wishes for your own recovery as well as your son.

maggie49

Thanks, Spiritual Seeker. I appreciate your words. and I am trying to keep my relationship with my son open so that when he's ready to talk and deal with stuff , that I am available for support. I know there is nothing I can do except to keep praying for him and his wife.
So I live with fear and worry. It boggles my mind that consequences have to get dire before anything will change and even then it might not. Acceptance of these facts is so very hard. That's what I struggle with.

Lilyflower

Maggie, welcome to SR, my condolences to you for your loss. The A in my life was my boyfirend. I decided to split up with him 4 months ago but I keep in contact with him.

I understand the pain and frustration watching your loved one self destruct. It made me very ill, to the point of insanity as I tried everything I could in my power to make him see the light, to get through my relationship with him.

In the end I learnt that I could not help him, I could only take care of me. I learnt the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

I let my abf go and face the consequences of his addiction, and pray for him, that he may find recovery and heal himself. I let go and let God.

I hope you keep posting, have you read the stickies (parmenant posts) at the top of the forums? There is a wealth of experience and info there.

My love to you and your family,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sadandhopeless

I am not sure that his job would even participate in the intervention if the problem has not affected his work or his job in genreal. But at the same time it is better to lose your job then it is to lose your life to addiction. You don't deserve to go through another loss that devastating. You love your son so do what you can to help him, just don't enable him - which it does not sound like you do. All you can do is love him - let him know your worries - but I say go ahead and talk to him about treatment. Does his wife also hold a steady job?

cmc

Welcome to SR.

I can certainly identify with how you are feeling, as my son was an active addict for over ten years. Al-Anon made all the difference in the world for me; I hope you will give it a try.