Sikofit

My husband is the alcoholic. In May we had a big crisis in our marriage; he also acted to our 18 yr old dtr like he usually does to me when he's drunk. Anyway, after remorse he quit for a few weeks. Now is back to pretty much the same level.

Here's my current question: he went to a golf outing w/friends today. I knew it was going to be a big drinking event. He called from the dinner, about 1/2 hr ago, asked me to come and get him to bring him home. Said the others were just..."hanging around." I said, "No, they're getting drunk, you mean?" and he said yes. He himself was obviously drunk. Anyway, I told him, no, I wouldn't come and get him b/c he knew what he got himself into.

So now he just came home; one of his friends brought him. And he is mad at me b/c I didn't come to get him. I looked at it as an enabling thing, if I would have gone to pick him up.

Any thoughts from anyone?

Thanks.

FormerDoormat

Yes, it would be enabling his drinking if you had gone to pick him up. Job well done! Why don't you introduce yourself to us properly, so we can get to know you? Do you attend Alanon? It's been a Godsend for many. Hope you'll stick around a while. The folks here are wonderful.

starflier

It seems to me that if you knew it was going to be a big drinking event, then surely he did as well. If he had honestly gone to an event not knowing that drinking was going to be involved, and then had called you because he wanted to avoid the temptation, then it would have been helping him rather than enabling him to go pick him up. If he hadn't been drinking, he could have driven himself, though.

Sikofit

Thanks so much for the quick responses. I needed the reinforcement.

No, I've gone to Al-Anon in the past, but haven't been in awhile. I agree with their basic premises and have read much about it, here and other places. I think the A needs to be given more responsibility for his/her decision to not drink...so I guess I'm not sure about the disease aspect.

Oh, yes, he knew it'd be a drinking event. The people he went with are big drinkers. It was very clear to all of us...as it usually is.

We will have 20 yrs of marriage in Dec...from yr 2 until about yr 10, he didn't drink at all...mostly b/c of my threat to leave him...he went on a bender when our daughter was a year old and quit after that. We also have a son who's 16 now.

When he turned 40, he decided he could start drinking again...since then it's been up and down. This year has been bad...in May I went on a trip w/a friend and that's when the big crisis w/him making the kids all crazy happened. I knew if he drank again we'd be right back here.

I myself will go out and drink with friends. I guess that's another way I'm not into the whole Al-Anon model...I don't have a problem and don't feel like I should have to tailor my habits because of him.

Thanks for listening...I really welcome any replies. Feeling kind of isolated tonight...
Lori

Barbara52

I feel the same way. With alcohol, I can take it or leave it, having a drink or 2 does not lead me to a binge or to drink to excess. I am not an alcoholic. Now if my xAH had ever gotten himself into recovery, I would have refrained from drinking in front of him when he was early in recovery but that would not have been a forever thing. An alcoholic in recovery needs to adjust to the world around him, not expect the world to adjust to their needs.

Welcome! Stick around. You will find a great deal of support in here.

sadandhopeless

Absolutely it would have been enabling him. I use to do this constantly, but stopped about a year ago... My new moto is you get yourself in the situatin you get yourself out of it. I no longer pick up the pieces - well at least I don't make it so easy for him to drink anymore.

No rides, no money, no sympahty for anything that happens. But I have an enabling mother in law that will go pick him up from anywhere at any time - regardless of what she was doing. After I stoped catering to his addiction - she took over right where I left off. Weather giving him money, picking him up, droping him off. It was horrible. Her saying is she loves her son and does what she can to help him. I said -yes help kill him....

Good for you for not picking him up. that is a good step.

Bernadette

Heya sikofit-
Sounds like things are getting pretty rough for you and your children.

I'm curious what you mean by this?
I myself will go out and drink with friends. I guess that's another way I'm not into the whole Al-Anon model...I don't have a problem and don't feel like I should have to tailor my habits because of him.

I've been in and out and around AlAnon for a long time and I've never heard any "model" of AlAnon telling me I cannot drink....in fact the whole AlAnon "model" is to get us to stop telling people what to do!! I don't have a drinking problem so if I want to drink I can take it or leave it. I have a codependency problem and that's what we usually talk about in the AlAnon meetings I've been to. So maybe you just picked up on one person's opinion that you could have "left" at the meeting?

I think you did the absolute right thing not picking him up. Let him sulk, and be mad. Big whoop. It's entirely HIS problem. Alcoholics love to pick a fight when they don't get their way - and as soon as we take the bait they get to have the fight and make it all about the fight instaed of their drinking and their responsibility.

Don't get dragged in! You did great!

Peace,
B.

imallright

Don't mean to hi-jack the thread, Bernadette and others, but thanks! My AH is constantly trying to convince my kids and me... that I too have a problem. I like to have a glass of wine with my friends and w/dinner. BUT... I am not an addict. I know this, but once again, I have been manipulated into thinking that perhaps it is ME who has the issue... he's managed to convince the kids. He also told them that I had a problem with prescription drugs, because I take an anti-depressant once a day... and have for years. Glad to see that other of us who have an A in our life are not totally alcohol free, unless we choose to be and that this doesn't me we have a problem.