neutronstar

Hi. I've been reading the threads here the last couple of days to get some insight into my own situation. Thanks. There has been some really good information here.

I am trying to let go. To separate my BF that I love from the A. I believe my reactions to my ABF have hindering his progress. I have been criticizing (with the intent to be constructive) but with a heart to heart with my BF I can see that every time we talk about the issues in our relationship it is bringing him down. He has been trying to make this work. But I think he feels he will NEVER be the person I "want (I am trying to encourage him to be the best he can be)" him to be for this relationship to ever go any further. We have been together for six years. I love him. But we are on our last try with each other. Because of his A he has isolated himself from my family, my friends, my aquaintances because he is ashamed that he is an A, he works all the time, is paying off debts so he doesn't have a lot of money and we are not married.

Last night we went out with his friend + GF. I am trying to enjoy the moments but I can not because he becomes a different person with this friend. With me he is depressed and sad and then when we go out with his friend he starts acting all funny and charming while he enjoys his drinks. I am trying to separate that. But how?

FormerDoormat

You can't separate the alcoholic from the person and you can't make him change into the man you need him to be. He is who is he. Either accept him as he is, warts and all, or find a partner who's more in line with what you want.

I know that's not the answer you wanted to hear, but that's what I've learned through my own experience with my former alcoholic boyfriend, by attending Alanon, and by participating on this forum.

I spent 25 years in a miserable relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend before I accepted this reality. I wouldn't recommend that you follow in my footsteps. I'm just grateful that I finally saw the light.

You've made a great first step by joining this forum. It is full of wonderful, caring people who will freely share their experience, strength, and hope with you. SR is a great place to help you sort out this mess. It was a life saver for me. Others will be along shortly to offer their support.

Welcome to the forum.

needtolearn

Because of this board, I've learned how to detach, and you will too. You will read the stories and see yourself in other's experiences.

I'm not saying the detachment process will be easy, but it has to be done for your own sanity, and health.

What you will learn is that the addiction is the priority, and nothing that anyone can say or do will change that. Furthermore, a person in their addiction kind of lives in a their own universe. They have their own logic, their own weird emotions that change by the minute sometimes.

They blame, they manipulate, they rant and throw tantrums. They'll do anything but take responsibility for how they are harming themselves or others.

For me, my "AHA Moment" was fully understanding that our God/Higher Power gives us all free will. We have choices. We can live a prosperous life, or we can trash our lives to hell. If the addict chooses to trash their lives to hell, yes, it's heartbreaking, but you can't do anything about it, nor should you. If a person wants the hell of addiction, it's their choice.

You are only responsible for YOUR life. You have a responsibililty to protect and respect yourself enough not to get pulled under. That doesn't mean you hate, or don't love your addict. That just means you love yourself more. A person in addiction is incapapable of loving you because after all, they don't love themselves, and a person can only give what they have inside of them to give.

neutronstar

Thanks for the excellent advice.

I am past the point of being optimistic. I can see things will not change. In fact they will probably get worse for my ABF, which hurts to even think about. Does anyone have a story of how they were able to stay in this type of relationship with things working out in the end? Or is the result inevitable - In order to stop from being pulled under they had to leave to save themselves? Does anyone have any stories of when they left things turned out?

FormerDoormat

I'm sure there are some, but not many on this forum. My boyfriend ultimately drank himself to death one year ago. No happy ending for him and most of our alcoholic loved ones.

Perhaps a better question to ask is: are there happy endings for the co-dependents on this forum? My answer to that question is, yes, lots of them. The happy endings come in the form of recovered codependents who've decided that life with an alcoholic is no life at all.

CatsPajamas

I just returned from a weekend trip. I drove 250 miles each way, and for all 500 miles I was listening to Al Anon speaker CDs. (they were AWESOME, by the way.) One of the speakers is a friend of mine from my old home group in Dallas Texas. She makes me laugh and she makes me cry, but most of all she makes me incredibly grateful for my own Al Anon recovery.

YES there are people who have stayed in relationships with alcoholics and it works. Sometimes one partner finds recovery, and the other one eventually follows. I've heard it said more than once that the answer is to get a program, get a sponsor, work the steps and get out of the way. It' s not easy, and it's certainly not a guarantee. What it does say is that IT might not get better, but you can get better IN it.

You didn't CAUSE his alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it, but you can make changes in your own life, learn to keep the focus on yourself, and learn to let others experience their own consequences.