strongerwoman

I am very frustrated with myself.

I finished nursing school (well, the LPN program - will be returning for the RN program as what I want to do requires the RN license) in December.

Paid the $200 to take the NCLEX, paid the $110 to the state Board of Nursing, and received my provisional license. This was good for 6 months. During this time I was supposed to secure a 120hour internship and successfully pass the licensure examination, by my deadline of July 22.

Well, I havent ever completed my 120 hour internship and I sit for the exam early Friday morning, but am 99% positive I am not going to pass it this go round.

Which means I will have to come up with the money from somewhere (stripping? HA! just kidding.....i think.....) to repay the $310 to retake the exam and get another provisional license so I can complete my internship hours. Once these things are both done, I will be a licensed nurse and my kids and my life will be soooooooooooooooooooooo much better, as I will have a decent paying job. Right now we are living on less than $1500 month and rent alone is $725!

So, basically by now I should be getting ready to pass the exam and would be licensed by the end of next week.
Instead - it will be at least two more months until I am hopefully licensed.
As, once you fail the exam, you have to wait a minimum of 45 days before you can retake it.
I've wasted 6 months of my life. I could have been, should have been, pretty well set by now, instead I've failed my kids and myself and let everyone down, and my children and I continue to live on the financial edge. We continue to live in complete stress and anxiety day to day.

To make the situation even worse, my 1st ex-husband just lost his job of 14 years two weeks ago due to lay offs and informed me that I wouldn't be getting any child support anytime soon (which makes up most of my "income" at this point).
Thankfully we have been getting food stamps for the past few months, otherwise we wouldnt even have been eating! Of course, depending on any amount of child support from stbxah right now isn't reasonable - he gives me what he wants, although I do have to say he gives me more than he would have to legally through the state, its just not regular and pretty much depends on his mood at the time.

I am a very intelligent person, well, I used to be a very intelligent person. Very high IQ, straight A's in school and college without even trying, ect, ect....I used to be a very responsible & dependable person
lately I've been anything but responsible! I should be a highly successful person in life and I am anything but.

I've been thinking about this problem of mine quite a bit lately.
Here's what I've come up with:
What is holding me back from doing what I need to do?

FEAR, FEAR, and more FEAR. Fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, and mostly fear of rejection. I guess on some level, fear of succeeding -though I can't quite figure that one out? I want to be successful, of course, so why would I rationally or logically fear it?
The answer I've come up with is that if I actually succeed, I won't really NEED my stbxah anymore.
Does that make any sense? I sort of think it does but these days I question everything about myself and my thinking, so who knows!

I would consider myself a pretty independent and fearless person. Until I got to thinking about it. In reality, I am full of fear, totally consumed by it and I've been letting myself and my childrens lives be ruined by it.

Fear of soooooo many things, but regarding the job situation, it is fear
keeping me from going to more interviews (since the ones I've been on, I was rejected from), fear of starting a new nursing position, fear that I don't remember what I need to remember in order to do a good job and not look like a total moron, fear that people in the new job position would see that I don't know anything I need to know, fear that if I had completed the internship hours that I would then fail the NCLEX exam and have to tell everyone, fear of not having childcare/proper supervision working out in order to work, soooooooooooooo much FEAR.
Fear that my making it on my own would signal to my stbxah that I dont need him anymore and push him further away. HOW DUMB IS THAT???
He is already gone and though a part of my will always, always truly love him and miss him and feel a deep connection with him, I do not want him back. I guess it would signal the last of the letting go between us.
Does that make sense?

And the fear continues - fear of being a working single mom, fear of being a working single mom with no help/support at all, fear of being a working single mom with no support continuing her education too.
FEAR OF STRIKING OUT ON MY OWN AND MAKING A NEW LIFE FOR MYSELF, ALONE.
AND FEAR OF THE FUTURE. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone the rest of my life, fear of being unhappy (duh! I already am about as unhappy as a person could be!), basically I am a big fat chicken running scared!!!!
Its absolutely crazy.
My mind is just swirling constantly, its like I am waiting for the perfect answers, the perfect situation, to come my way and it NEVER WILL be perfect.
There will continue to be struggles and failures and all of that because that is just life. I wish I could embrace the future instead of being so scared of it.

My life has been thrown into complete turmoil, turned upside down, inside out and all that against my wishes and I've become stuck and paralyzed by this cloud of depression, anxiety, and fear.

I've let the depression, anxiety, and fear rule my life and keep me down. Its like kept me paralyzed from doing anything I need to do.
Like study for my huge life-changing exam, which I've had since December to do and haven't yet. So I will fail on Friday morning and the thing I was so afraid of - failing it and having to tell everyone, especially my children, will have come true anyhow - BY MY OWN DOING.

My obsession with everything I can't control has kept me from accomplishing what I can control and now I've screwed it all up majorly. I've let myself and my children down by my non-action and fear of succeeding.

Like I said, my mind is like its in constant tornado status. My memory is shot, my focus and concentration are shot - like they packed up and ran away. I seriously can't remember what I did yesterday let alone all of the things needed to be a nurse!

I think and think and think and obsess and obsess and I get nothing that I need to do accomplished. That was a major complaint of stbxah too, I thought and thought and read 100s of self help books and articles about everything but got nothing accomplished, or only half accomplished.
I am great at the "theory," but horrible at "the putting it all into practice."
I have been living in tomorrow and not living in the "today."
I guess it is all an issue of avoidance also.

And I am just so pi$$ed at myself for it all.
I can't believe I let this all happen.
I have completely self-sabatoged myself.

Barbara52

So, forgive yourself for being human, make plans to make your life better and take action on those plans. That's all you can do. You cannot change the past.

cem001

It appears that you can see what's holding you back, so it goes back to it's only YOU who can change it.

You are correct in the change of lifestyle that comes with being a nurse. It comes back down to take care of yourself first.

GiveLove

strongerwoman, we love you but...

stop sabotaging yourself by focusing only on the way you sabotaged yourself.

Tomorrow you will wake up. You will sit on the edge of your bed and say, today's going to be verrrrry different from yesterday. Pour a cup of coffee. Get out some paper. Make yourself a plan, day by day, week by week. Work those small steps toward the prize -- your licensure, and a good job. Don't look at your cell phone. Don't think "what's he doing" (snap a rubber band on your wrist if you start). This is time for you to change your pattern. People beat cancer and survive natural disasters.....you can survive this and move on.

I'm glad you got this (above) all down on paper. It helps to spill it all out, doesn't it?

Take the next few hours to beat yourself up some more if you want (doesn't do any good but you seem committed to it) then get some rest. And when the dawn breaks, stand up, brush yourself off, and make a commitment to yourself that you won't let yourself down again. You deserve it, your kids deserve it.

You can do this.

rivka

WELL, WHADDAYA KNOW.....TYPICAL CODIE.
You, my dear, are NOT alone in your obsessive BS.

You seem to KNOW that your fear is IRRATIONAL, right?
That's why your kicking your own ass. Because you can't believe that you, (like me) someone so educated and comparatively intelligent, could fall victim to this sick guy, who is emotionally running your life...literally pulling the strings of your head and heart like a puppet, and you feel powerless to change it, as you might lose the last morsel of his affection...
BELIEVE ME, I GET IT.

I've read, and I've posted. I've studied the fantastic responses from our group on your issues, my issues and similar issues...

We need to achieve "emotional sobriety" in order to deal with our addict/alkies, don't we. Emotional drunk is just as dangerous....
under the guise of "helping" and "nurturing" we give up our focus, goals and identities to those who will undoubtedly not appreciate it, and will take even MORE advantage of us...
You are a nurse....a caretaker by profession, so caring is part of who you are....
I am in a consulting service industry...I dote on my clients....
We somehow find professions that allow us to be "needed" in order to satisfy this emotional craving, right?

There is no magic answer, and frankly, I don't think you (or any of us) can read a few posts, shake our heads, and say "OH, OK, THAT'S IT? OH...I GET IT NOW. PROBLEM SOLVED. I NO LONGER LOVE THAT ASS*OLE. I'M FINE NOW."

SO realize that you need to take one day at a time, and get through the next few hours without your stomach turning inside out. (yes, I know how it feels).

You have a whole lot of issues here, from money and support to self-esteem.
I think that if you can work on the internal self esteem first, the money issues will get resolved because your head will be clearer.

Recommendation? Of course, Al-anon meeting, but if you can, also please go have a coffee or sit with a trusted friend, coworker or other female family member who loves you and is there for you. Tell her that you need to vent and need her to validate your accomplishments and help you to clear your head.
Have her help you to put together a list of things to do, including the resume/job action, and if she can, sit with you on Thursday night, before the exam, to help calm you.

You WILL resolve the child support issue and the single mom issue. Thousands of women do it, and you have more experience and education than many of them. You CAN do it.

You WILL resolve to create boundaries and release yourself from responsibility for your AH actions. You WILL. It takes time. Don't be impatient.

TODAY, YOU TOOK A STEP TOWARD AWARENESS OF YOUR BEHAVIOR. YOU BECAME COGNIZANT OF YOUR IRRATIONAL FEAR, AND KNOW YOU ARE ABOVE THIS.

BRAVO.
For today, know that you have learned something. You will learn more tomorrow, and share progress.

Blessings.
rivka

splendra

I hear ya-

I have 3 certifications that I have let go because I couldn't afford the fees and my dyslexia makes it hard for me to fill out forms. I have had to stop practicing my professions and get a job in a restaurant making less than one fourth of what I used to make. All my bills are late and my credit is completely shot.

I had always figured by the time I was at the age I am now 53 years old that I would be out of debt. Instead I have been unemployed for several months without a car, and no bus service to get around with. I took a job that was closest to my house because many times I have had to walk which is almost 5 miles. I have lost a lot of weight and the people I work with treat me like a dog. Man it's hard.

I still like me though. I painted myself into this corner and some how I will get me out of it. I know if I keep plugging I will get myself backup. Oh yea!

OverItNow

I think we all do this--recognizing it is half the battle. The point is not to drive yourself nuts (and I do this at times) by picturing what could be, etc. I have this picture of my life that begins 16 years ago when I married my AH. It is the image of the Stages of Human Evolution with me--except mine goes backwards. I started out tall and "progressed" to the monkey. No more. No more for you! Many times the hours spent agonizing are a procrastination tool of our subconscious.

needtolearn

Yeah, Barb said it best. I read so much Self-Flaggelating (hope I spelled that right, but beating yourself up), more than anything.

I read that you are a woman that, in spite of some very challenging circumstances, you still tried to make a life for yourself and your children.

Maybe you didn't do it all the way you should have. Probably this isn't how you expected your life to turn out. But at least you are trying. (I'm preaching to the choir right now).

I can relate to losing YEARS of your life. Not in my current breakup, but the one before him. I know what it is to have personal and professional fears, and to be stuck in them.

But you are trying...you are taking steps, even if it's baby steps.

I'm going to share something I read today, that I think is appropriate.

"Bloom Where You're Planted". Don't wait for life to "get better, someday". Make the most of it now. I've also realized that nothing good or bad last forever. The good times might not last, but neither does the bad. It's all part of the "life cycle". That image of the "perfect life" is just a mirage. No such thing.

So, you have to forgive yourself for being human, being in love with an unworthy man (or men), and setting yourself back. You have to work towards your dreams. Okay, so plan A didn't work. Try plans B, C, D, E, etc. You'll eventually get "there" by sheer trying!

Despite your shortcomings, you are a STRONGERWOMAN. Why? Because you keep trying to be more than you are, when you could easily give up. So many codie spouses give up, and give in to addiction themselves. But from what I've read, you haven't!

Maybe it took you a while to "get it", and now you're "getting it", and it hurts. You're allowed to feel hurt. You got a raw deal, and it hurts. But what better gift could you give to your kids, and yourself, then PERSERVERENCE? You are showing your kids that life doesn't always turn out how you hope, or plan, but you can get up and start over again. To me, that's a lot better than trying to pretend if you do X, Y, Z , life will turn out perfectly the first time you do stuff, cause we all know life rarely works that way.

I hope I've helped. You have my "virtual" good wishes and support. Keep up the good work! :ghug3

gns

Funny, I read your story in a very different way.

Here is this smart and beautiful woman who got caught in a bad situation, struggled and grew and worked hard to keep herself and her family afloat during an incredibly difficult time.

It sounds more like "the hero's journey" then a failure to me!

I have read your posts and I admire your strength, determination, and loving kindness.

I would put money down on your success - financial and emotional/spiritual.

peaceteach

I totally agree. Keep it up, sweetie. THIS is walking the walk, and when you DO make it through it all, you will look back and say, "Hell, yes, I did it."

I don't think you failed yourself at all. I think you just thought that other people had the same love, goals, values, and dreams that you did, and life taught you that that is not always true. Now you know. Doesn't mean YOU have to change to meet their lower standards. It just means now you know.

Hugs and powerful healing being sent your way, Strongerwoman!!

suzieq1972

Fear can be a very powerful thing. I know it’s what held me back from doing anything, even after my STBXAH walked out on us. The fear of being alone, the fear of failing, and the fear of never being loved again, they all keep us from being the best person we can be.

I was reading last night from a book called I Dare You by Joyce Meyer. This really struck home with me.

Fear can actually steal your destiny. Anyone who lives in fear will never fulfill God’s purpose for their lives. Fear hinders progress and that is exactly why the devil uses it as his favorite weapon against people. The devil does not want you to go forward. If you decide to go forward, you will have to confront fear, and fear will never evaporate or disappear. It must be confronted.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway. Fear is a feeling and should never be allowed to control someone’s life. From now on, when you feel fear, just make the decision you are going to keep pressing forward. Decide to do whatever you want or need to do even if you have to “do it afraid.”

Fear torments and does no good at all. It does block our ability to be passionate and enthusiastic about life. It holds us back and it prevents us from getting closer to achieving our purpose. There is not one positive thing about fear, so I encourage you to stop wasting your time being afraid of things that have not even happened yet. Believe that no matter what happens in your life, God is greater than any problem you will ever have. Fear is expecting something bad to happen, but God wants us to aggressively expect good things to take place in our lives every day.

Just look at your screen name – Strongerwoman. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You can’t change the past so move toward the future.


Sue

strongerwoman

Just a quick THANK YOU to everyone.
I'm so glad you all are here.

sadandhopeless

If you just try to get over him all this fear you have will start to go away. You seem to be so obsessed with all the back and forth with this man that you don't want to move past this.

You are a smart, intelligent woman with so much to offer. This relationship has broken you down and only you and the love of your family and children and desire to want more and better is what will bring you back up.

Don't be afraid to let go of him...he let go of you a while ago. He is only playing games with the emails and phone calls about wanting to get back together - don't allow him to do this to you. You deserve more. You fall right in his trap (and that is all it is - is a trap) when he calls or comes around. I mean he has other women, leaves the kids a lone, is always drinking....that does not show love. Especially the other woman. You want more then this.

So many people are getting hurt in this sistuation. I know it is hard and you don't want to let go in your heart, but just do it for the well being of all involved.

londonvanpelt

I can really relate to your self-sabotage and mentally beating myself up. You will get there when the time is right. I was thinking of starting a women's support group in my neighborhood where we all can keep each other on track and help each other. I believe what Hillary Clinton said about it taking a village to raise a child. It also takes others to help us through tough times. I try to be totally self-sufficient and not rely on others, but that is not healthy. Do you have women in your neighborhood or in your group that can help you get through these times? It helps so much just for someone to be there and listen. You are a survivor. You will make it. You are so pretty, a great mom, very intelligent, and have a big heart. You are so worthy of so much more. When is the last time you gave yourself a pedicure, bubblebath, or did something nice for yourself?

sadandhopeless

Hi Strongerwoman,

How are you doing today? I was thinking about you over this weekend... I hope you are doing well. Hope the kids are good to....

I wanted to say thank you to you for being so open and honest on this board. It is great to have a place to vent.

I pray things get easier for you.

strongerwoman

Hi, thanks for the good thoughts.
See my latest post (OMGosh, OMGosh....) for my update :o)