HurtByHer

My name is Brook.I'm 23. My mom has been a drug addict for 5 years now (pain pills). I took care of her for 4 years by myself, picking her up off the floor and financially supporting her and whatnot. I have recently let her go due to the fact that I just couldn't do it anymore emotionally. I haven't seen or spoke with her for 4 months although my brothers have. I just found out she's in the ICU for an infection that they couldn't find the cause of. Yesterday they did a scan of her whole body prior to pulling all her teeth (they thought it was due to a tooth infection). They found three tumors - One of her ovary, one on her colon and one on her kidney. They did biopsies of all three and we are waiting to see if they are cancerous or not.

My mom was my best friend before this whole drug thing happened - she was my HERO. I've been so mad at her for so long to the point of pure hatred for what she has done to our family. I almost feel that if she has cancer it's because she deserves it. My brothers tell me she asks me to call her but I just can't. I don't ever want to talk to her again but I'll be a basket case if she passes away. These feelings don't make sense to me, I really need help!

rivka

Hello.
I hope you receive many responses which provide support to you in this difficult situation.
I'm not well versed in dealing with parents who are users, but as you have probably heard, you cannot help somone who isn't ready to be helped, as this disease of addiction worms its way so deeply into their brain that you must know she isn't doing any of this to hurt you or drive you away. Your ability to detach with love is crucial to maintain YOUR health.
You shouldn't feel forced to go see her, but if you are able to put your frustration aside for a day and focus on making a brief connection to show your mom that you wish her to be healthy, it may help you both.
You don't need to "gush" and tell her all kinds of things you don't mean, just tell her that you wish the best for her and hope she is not in pain. Don't make promises to take care of her after this....you just express your desire for her to be well....regarding all illnesses.
This devastating health situation may be what alerts her to make a change, but if not, you will have peace of mind that you had the opportunity to connect.
God Bless.
Rivka

frankly

((HurtbyHer))

Great Big Hugs to you. Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry that this is happening in your life. My prayers for you and your Mom.

I understand those feelings of hurt and anger. I spent most of my life living with those feelings. Just before he passed away, I had those feelings for my brother. I became almost numb and indifferent, or at least I thought I was. Turns out, those feelings were popping up as a self preservation mechanism, I couldn't handle the pain and sorrow any more. The anger and hatred allowed me to distance myself from it a little. In the end though, it eats at my very soul today, 15 years later. I wish I could tell him that I really loved him, I just hated his disease and what it did to him and everyone who loved him. He did some pretty horrible things to me and others, but worse, to himself.

In time, I think I managed to forgive him and in the process forgave myself. That didn't help him one bit, but it helped me.

There is a lot of information here about detaching with love. It doesn't mean accepting their actions or approving of them. But it helps us protect ourselves from the hurt without allowing our feelings to overtake our lives.

Only you know what is best for you, not her, YOU. That is the only thing you have any control over. Take a read around, we have all been where you are at in some form.

Again, welcome, you are not alone, we understand and we care.

Hugs and Prayers
B

rahsue

your feelings are justified, when we get disappointed by our addict loved ones thats just how we feel. These feelings will probably subside and you can look at her with different eyes. If I were to give you advice I think I would say to go see her, not so much to make amends but just because she is sick and you are correct, you may not feel so great if you don't see her and she passes (God forbid).
Your mother is your mother and regardless of what she is doing (or have done in the past) she will always be your mom. Perhaps if you had a rotten childhood with her I would say differently.
Just my opinion.

good luck in your decision and I'll say a prayer for your mom health.

HurtByHer

Rivaka - I have a feeling it will not scare her out of her addiction. We've been through the cancer scare before - nothing changed. I'm not sure anything will get her out of it. It's a terrible terrible situation and no one I've come across IRL can even come close to fathoming the effects it has on family members. We just lost our Dad last year to heart disease very unexpectedly and I feel like I'm still going through some post-traumatic stress from that, just not sure how to deal without taking a xanax and being just as bad as she is.

Impurrfect

(((Hurtbyher)))

Welcome to SR, but I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

It sounds, to me, like you don't have to decide whether to see her, or not, today.

I totally understand that you are just sick and tired of what she's put you through. I'm a recovering addict (crack) AND recovering codie (codependent). I went through years and years of trying to take care of everyone.

I finally realized, that I did what I did because I didn't know better. I also had to accept that I am the one who kept taking care of everyone else. Yes, I did it out of love, but I now see that I also did it because it filled a part of me that NEEDED to be needed. With that knowledge, I had to accept that people only took advantage of me because I let them.

I'm only saying this because that's what I had to accept, before I could move past being mad as he!! at some people, and find compassion again. Compassion doesn't mean I tolerate bad behavior, addiction, or anything like that. To me, it means that I recognize their faults, I don't play into their games any more, but I can still see that there is some good in that person, even if addiction has covered it up.

I hope you keep posting and reading here. It's only because of the wonderful people here that I was able to even begin to work on MY stuff and accept others for who they are.

As far as the xanax, I hope you don't go down that road. I started taking drugs because I got all stressed out over other people in my life. I didn't turn into an addict, right away, but it set a pattern...get stressed, take a pill...that did lead to my addiction.

Sending you huge hugs and prayers!

Amy

patchoulli

Please let me share this with you. I had an alcoholic father, he left when I was 8 and when that happened it was the first peace we ever had...no more beatings, belittlement, abuse...no more fear...The 5 of us lived in a basement apartment in Jersey, roaches and rats, and still...it was better than being around him...Didn't see him for years, it was fine...I do know that this experience set the pattern of my life for many years[distrust, multiple marriages, attracted to chaos]. For many years, I hated him, could not forgive and forget what he put us all thru...About 7 years ago, he got in touch and for some reason[Im calling it GRACE], I decided to visit him. Yes he was still driniking on and off, but he was taking care of a very sick girlfriend that was dying of cancer...He took care of someone and was suffering...Made me look at him differently. He was afraid...A few months went by and I visited him again...our conversation went as follows..."you did this, you did that, we did without, we were terrified"...etc..."you owe me an apology"....He acknowledged, said he regretted the past...Im going to tell you...the peace that came over me was like a weight lifted off my shoulders...Instead of seeing him as a monster, I saw him as a suffering, sad, pathetic human being that I pitied...He died of his alcoholism almost 5 years ago. I still talk to him, I feel him around me at times, its a nice feeling. At times we have to detach to save ourselves/our own sanity, we still love them, we don't have to be drawn into the chaos but for ourselves we can forgive...Im sorry things are this way for you...look inside your heart and see if you can forgive...Im not saying allow the craziness in...but forgiveness is for us...Marian

katie44

You have every right to feel what your feeling. A parent is supposed to be an emotional, stable role model. My mother was an alcoholic. She passed away last year. I am fourtunate that she did not start drinking heavily until I had left the home. I have two younger sisters, one wich is 38 now. She never accepted that addiction is an illness. For many years I felt as you do, a year before she passed away I forgave her and gained a better understanding of her addiction. I truly am glad I did, because the pain of carrying hatred around was consuming me. There are still days where I feel angry, but the anger is over what we missed together. She never got to know my children, as I felt a need to protect them from her drinking. I loved my mother, just not what the addiction took away from our relationship. I see my sister now and I see a sadness in her eyes. They never made amends. I know if she could turn back the clock she would have held my mother and told her she loved her. I truly hope you dont mind me sharing this story, I just felt a need to tell you she is your mother. The addicts dont set out to hurt us. They are destroying themselves, Unfortuantely it destroys everything in its path. Please remember we have all felt as you do.Be kind to yourself. Prayers to you and your mom.

beegee

Hi Brook, I am sorry to hear what you have been through with your mom. It isn't supposed to be that way but sometimes things happen and thank God for daughters like you. She is your mom and I think you know she didn't mean to do this just as I don't believe my kid means to do it. But now your mom is even sicker and you need to make peace with her. Sure it is easier to stay away and keep your distance but in the end you will wish you had gone to her if only to hold her hand. Prayers for you (((BROOK))))

teke

oh brook, i'm sorry that you are going through all of this and i do understand how you feel. its good that you have decided to take care of yourself by not taking a front row seat to all the drama that goes along with addiction, but i do agree with the others. she is your mother, i'm sure she didnt set out to hurt you and your siblings. i'm a recovering addict married to and addict and i know how hard it must be for you. addiction takes over the mind and body, she was sick even before her hospital stay.

i know its easier said than done but maybe if somehow you can not look her as the addict who has caused you so much pain but rether look at her as the mother that you love.

i'm praying that your mom gets better soon and that she realizes that she needs help with her addiction and seek it out. keeping all of you in my prayers

ladyamalthea

Hi there. I am so sorry you have gone through this. I cannot begin to imagine your pain and anger... but I know that I do not envy you in this.

I have to agree with the others here. While you need to do what is best for YOU, I fear that you will regret not at least calling her if, for some reason, she doesn't make it out of this. You don't have to say anything heavy. Just asking her to take care of herself can be such a strong message at this point.

My heart goes out to you... and I hope she can get better and make it into recovery.

SlvrMag

Please, talk to her. My dad was an alcoholic and when I was little he did bad things, he was violent and beyond....I was 14 the last time I spoke to him, I am now 36.

He passed away last summer, my uncle says he was clean and sober for 10 years (I did not know this) and I never gave him the chance. He did not know his Grandchildren, I don't think he even knew about 2 of them-I was his only child.

Now I must live with regret. I heard someone say "Fear is temporary, regret is forever" and those words stick in my mind.

I hope the best for you and your family.

hope213

i am so sorry you are faced with this. she is your mom & i know she has hurt you. that is what they do but more than us they hurt themselves. i can not tell you what to do but i can send prayers up for her,you & your brothers. welcome to S.R. keep coming back.

SailorKaren

Oh (((Brook)))), what a difficult time for you. How are you holding up? What can we do to help you? It's perfectly understandable that you have many mixed feelings right now, and it's OK that they don't all make sense. That's the way feelings are. I'm glad you're able to talk to your brothers - it can be so comforting to have support from siblings in times like this.

I'm glad to hear you feel cautious about taking Xanax. Our bodies and minds have a natural ability to heal from hurt and stress, and I find it works best for me if I give them all the time they need to restore themselves. I know there are painful feelings for you, and it takes all the courage I have to feel all of my feelings, and soothe each hurt with love. Your mother chose to numb her hurts with drugs, and you know how that turned out...

I understand her choice, and I think there are times when it's best to numb overwhelming pain -- who would undergo heart surgery without anesthesia? For you though, I wonder a little about the level of anger you are feeling. For me, anger comes up when I'm in a situation where a need I have is not being met. Anger gives me the energy to move forward, make changes, and meet my important needs. You had needs for love, security, peace, and financial stability that were not being met, and anger helped you meet those for you and your mom. What a hero you are!

Anger is drug-like in its own right. Anger sets off a chain of events in our mind and body, shifting hormone levels, releasing the drug adrenaline into our system to give us energy and pump us up (fight or flight!), and alters our mood. These are all good and necessary things when we are in a crisis, but some people find they like how these changes make them feel, and anger slowly becomes a way for them to mood-alter and numb out to hurts in their lives. Do a search on the term rageaholic and see some examples. You've done a great job of letting anger be your ejection seat, clearing you from danger and carrying you to the safety of your own life, lived well. It may be time to revisit the role anger plays in your life, and see if is still serving you to carry it.

Toning down and letting go of anger is not the same as forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it comes at all, will come in its own time. You can be in a place of peace, even compassion towards your mother, and not yet be in a place of forgiveness. It's all good. Forgiveness, I think, is a highly personal, deeply felt choice we make to relieve the other of consequences for actions they have taken against us. It is a tremendous act of unconditional love, and I think it best comes from a healed and healthy place of inner strength. Some people try to forgive before they have completely healed, and I'm not sure this serves them well. We need to fully acknowledge and grieve the hurts we have experienced, and sometimes forgiveness can be a way to avoid completing this painful process. Forgiveness is not an obligation, it is a gift. Letting go of unnecessary anger is not a gift, it is a healing step. Compassion is not forgiveness, it is an act of love we perform to be with the suffering of another (com- (with-) passion (suffering)). We can have compassion for the most hardened criminal, and still not condone their actions. If you choose a compassionate path with your mother, you can still retain the dignity of your boundaries, the reality of the hurts you felt, and the integrity of your healing process.