dunerkat

I found this board and already am feeling better. My ah and I have had a rocky relationship for 20 years. I have left and gone back so many times I've lost count. He refuses to admit he has a problem and says he doesn't want to stop drinking. He gets so angry and then says and does things that hurt me emotionally. Usually it has involved my family, and he puts ridiculous ultamatims on me about them. I do love him still on some level, yet I can't stand to be around him. He has destroyed any respect I have for him and I feel as if I have allowed myself to become dead in my heart. Yet, I still want to "save" him. I left on Sunday to stay at my daughter's and just want to go back home. I know it will be the same, yet I want to be there.

In my rational mind I know what I have to do - leave him alone and let him sink to the bottom by himself. But the irrational part of me wants to believe he will change and I live a fantasy that we will have a normal life.

When I have to leave because the drinking gets really out of control, I feel so defeated and he knows how to manipulate that. It usually takes a couple weeks and he manages to get me to go back. We did divorce 5 years ago and were apart about a year and a half and during that time he got even worse. Yet, I came back in 2005 and it continued just as before. Now I'm back in the same boat as always.

Thanks for listening to this long post.

peaceteach

Welcome, D. Keep reading and keep posting. This is a powerful place for recognizing YOUR story and finding strength and insight into what YOU can do to make a difference in your life, no matter what your A does with his.

Lilyflower

Welcome to SR!

Keep reading and posting with us, it takes us all different timescales to get to our 'bottom' when we realise that we have had enough of this merry-go-round. When it is right for you, you will know when you have had enough of the 'dance'.

Have a read of this sticky, it helped me tremendously...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dunerkat

Thank you all for the kind words of welcome. I'm crying as I sit here, but with each tear I think I'm beginning to heal. The words on the link were very powerful to me.

Sweetiepie1

You will read a great deal here that you will identify with. You're not the only one and you are not alone. People here are very supportive and give good advice X

dunerkat

Thanks! - I am truly amazed by what I have read. It seems the patterns are all very similar. Even though I have been through these episodes with him many, many times, every time it happens the wounds get re-opened and the pain is very intense.

Barbara52

Welcome. At the beginning of my journey I found it helpful to keep reminding myself that I was not responsible for myxAH's choices. He is an adult, not a child.

You didn't cause it. You cannot change it. You cannot cure it. Only he can do that.

You can do what you find necessary to improve your life and get what you deserve which is so much more than what you have now.