krhea75

I haven't posted anything since January so some of you may not know my story. In a nutshell, after a divorce from my minister/just found out he's gay/husband, my son started using anything he could get his hands on. he was only 14 at the time. He has been in and out of rehab 5 or 6 times, I can't remember which. He's been arrested twice, once at my request. The last time he made it through rehab successfully and lived at a sober recovery home for 3 months, also getting his GED. He came home and stayed with me, got a job at KFC (gotta love that colonel!)and has done okay. He has passed all drug tests up to this point. He moved out in May because he was 18 and thought he could make it on his own ( translation: I want to party all the time). After two months, he wants to move back home because he has no money. He is no longer going to meetings, and he still hangs with his user friends. Miraculously, he doesn't use when they are doing it right in front of him. (I know, sarcasm doesn't help). Anyway, he also acquired a dog while he was gone, a mix between pitbull and lab. So if he moves back home, I get the dog as well. I DON't want the dog, or the son for that matter.

Sorry this is rambling, but my question is: Should I let him come back home? As far as I know he is not actively using. He's just being an arrogant 18 year old. He has also cost me a great deal of money in the last two months that he's been gone because of course he's always broke. He also wrecked my car which there was no alcohol or drugs involved. If I don't let him move home, he will keep on living this party life. If I do let him come hom, He will drive me crazy with his lack of responsibility.

He could be homeless if I don't let him come home. I know that no one can make this decision but me;however, I could really use some input from people who don't know him and can see through the ********.
Thanks.
Krhea

suki44883

My advice is to not let him come home. I know it sounds heartless, but it doesn't sound like he's working on his program, doesn't have a job, doesn't show any responsibility at all. Do you really want to welcome that back into your home? He's old enough to get a job and support himself. If he has party friends, then he should have a place to crash. If not, that isn't your problem. It was his decision to move out in the first place, right? Why should you rescue him just because he didn't think it through? Maybe, in six months or so, IF he gets a job and starts working a program of sobriety, you could rethink it, but right now, it doesn't sound to me like he'd be bringing anything positive at all to the situation.

Impurrfect

I agree with Suki....I wouldn't let him come home. If he has a job and no money, then there's a problem. Whether he's using or not, he's not managing money.

If you DO let him come home, I would make sure he maintains his job and pays rent! I'm way older than your son, and have had to move "home" for the first time in 28 years. However, I am expected to pay rent and the rest of my bills. It has worked out for me, because dad needs the $100/week I pay AND I work and my actions show recovery.

He will probably try throw a guilt trip on you and/or manipulate you. Stay strong for what YOU want and need. I know of too many 18-year-olds who are on their own to think he can't do it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

itisatruth

Although its always nice to "meet" new people here on SR, I'm sorry you're back under these circumstances. It sounds like you know what you want already. And what you can/can't live with.

The fact that he may become homeless is upsetting, but what control did/do you have over that? It sounds like he is making his choices and expecting you to rescue him. I don't have any answers for you, but like they say....play the tape the whole way through....what are the possible outcomes for you if he does move back in. Can you live like that again and could you enforce your boundaries with him now?

On a side note, I am wondering what you mean by him still wanting to "party". It's been my experience with addicts, that partying, even without their drug of choice, usually leads to disaster because that leads them back to their DOC. He doesn't sound ready to be a good roommate.

Hugs and I wish you well, take care of you...

mooselips

krhea75,
It all comes down to what you truly want, and it sounds like you do not want him home, and that's okay. Time for him to grow some wings and fly and be free.
And you are not allowed to feel guilty, or let him guilt you into taking him back home!

Sometimes, I think we forget, we get to make healthy choices for ourselves.

hello-kitty

Of course it's up to you what you do. But boundaries are always a good idea if you do decide to let him stay there. Can't you set a time limit on how long he can stay and make him pay rent while he lives there? Can't you tell him that he can ONLY live there if he has a job or is going to school?

Like an idiot, I moved out when I was 18 because I wanted my freedom. 6 mos later I moved home, broke and dejected. But I learned an important lesson. Of course, I was working and going to school at the time. Thankfully my parents let me move back home or I probably never would have been able to afford to finish college. Thanks mom! Thanks dad!

rahsue

I don't think I have the experience to say let him come home or not BUT I think I can say if you let him back you have to set those boundaries and if he doesn't abide by them then out he goes.


good luck

greeteachday

Hey Krhea, I'm glad to see you; just sorry it is under these circumstances.

I think your post sounds as if you know what you want, and that is not to be sitting in that front row seat. I know he is young, but what really has changed so that if you let him come home, things would be different from last time?

I agree with Moose...time to remember that it really is okay to make a healthy choice. As moms we forget that far too often.

The thing I thought about as I read your post is that he wouldn't have to struggle so much paying his bills on his own if he lived in a sober house. There are lots of Oxford Houses across the country...All they ask is that you stay clean and pay your way. When my daughter was going to go there, paying her share was half or a third of what it would be to be out on her own.

The other thing I thought about was that I found it easier to say no if the child was out of the house, then to say please get out when she was in.

Hugs...lots of them

sleepygoat

Not sure why you are responsible for your son being broke (you stated he cost you a great deal of money - even while he wasn't living with you). Not sure why you would have to be responsible for a dog you don't want. If you allow him to come home 9without the dog), make sure he has rules that are clear and understandable, such as he pays you a certain amt of rent each month, he passes all drug tests, he is not verbally abusive, he replaces anything he breaks, he attends meetings....
Your son doesn't sound like he's up for the challenge of those kinds of rules. Are you up for the challenge of enforcing them? if not, you are inviting insanity right into your home!