New Here - My Story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
New Here - My Story
Heads Up..** THIS IS LONG**
Well here’s my story. I’m not quite sure why I’m writing it out, I guess because it seems more real on paper. I think my BF is an alcoholic and I’m not sure I can deal with it anymore. I also have my own tendencies to drink and come from a family of alcoholics as well. My problems are in check right now as I am 6 months pregnant with my second child.
When my BF and I started dating about 4 years ago we both drank and smoked pot. We had a great time. We had the occasional fight but life was all about fun. Well within 6 months we were pregnant. He moved in with me. (I think he still regrets it to this day) Anyhow we had our troubles right from the beginning. After I couldn’t party with him anymore, he started going out to do so. Then he would come home ranting and raving about this or that. I should have seen from right then and there that it wouldn’t and couldn’t work. But I was 23 years old and felt like I owed the relationship everything I had for the baby growing inside me. Fast forward 2 ½ years. Although things have remained mostly the same and I generally feel like a single parent. I continue to stay because I don’t want to go through the fighting for custody and screwing up my credit just to get rid of him. I have moments when I still care about him, but I’m very resentful because I feel all of this time has changed the person that I AM. (And not for the better) We unexpectedly got pregnant a 2nd time and lost the baby at 10 weeks. At that time he told me he didn’t want anymore children anyway. (Nice thing to tell a woman 1 day after a miscarriage) Anyway.. it happened again. It’s miraculous really, I’ve been so aloof to him we were barely having sex once a month and I was using B/C. So 6 months into this pregnancy and things are actually seeming worse, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should leave, but the stress of it is just too much. I feel like if I have to do all of this right now there is no way I’ll carry this baby to term. I always said.. if he ever hits me I’M OUT! Well it finally happened and here I still sit. How did it get this bad? How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
It all started last Friday. I had an off site meeting for my job. Well of course he didn’t believe that and accused me of cheating and lying. (Which I tend to feel are actually what he’s doing) Then I had plans to go to a movie with my girlfriends on Sunday, something I haven’t done in 2 or 3 years! I got his mom to baby-sit even though he was at home when I left. I was gone a total of 6 hours. Including dropping off and picking up our daughter. He was gone when I got home at 8:45. He came home at midnight and turned on the light like usual. And started yelling how I shouldn’t call him when he goes on vacation either. (That’s a whole other story..he was leaving for Vegas in the morning. I choose not to go) Accused me of sleeping with my girlfriends, lying and everything else under the sun. The grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head up from the pillow. I just swung around and hit him. I know I shouldn’t have, and I’ve never hit him before, but I’d just had enough of this crap. Much to my surprise he hit me right back. Which then turned even uglier.. pushing and shoving and more hitting..open hand, 3 times in the face. With our 3 yr old sleeping right there in the bed. I got up and went down stairs. After reading for a while and calming down I decided he was probably asleep so I went back into the bedroom. Well he decided that it would be a good time to start groping me. To which I didn’t say anything and just got up and left again. This time he followed me out of the room and started yelling about something else, my race, I’m fat.. blah blah blah. Pointing his fingers in my face and pushing in my nose. Then as I lay in a large chair vulnerable to him standing above me, he lifts his leg and foot and threatens to kick me in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. Yet I didn’t flinch. He continued to point in my face so I bit him in the back of his hand. I just wanted him to leave me alone and at this point I feared for my baby. He finally just went and laid down cursing me all the way. In the morning he blamed it on me and said he would move out after he got home from his trip. I said no need to worry I would be gone when he got back. He continued to call all day and give me his version of an apology and actually took the blame and sent flowers. And my stupid vulnerable self got roped back into it. Knowing he would be gone for 4 days actually made it easier. He just got home this morning and I can’t imagine what the next couple of days will be like. I’m sure he’ll be on best behavior. I never thought I would be one to stay in a relationship like that. I don’t think he would have hit me if I didn’t hit him, but it still doesn't give him the right to pull me up by my hair.
Now I sit, with 1 ½ kids, the lease in my name with 10 months left on it, two cars in my name and I don’t know what to do. I want it to work so badly, but I can see that if he doesn’t get help the fighting, accusing, verbal and emotional abuse will only continue. I’m just so scared of the way he will make me look to my kids and how it will affect them. I tried to set up an appointment with a lawyer to see what my options are, but I’m just not ready to plunk down $250 if I’m not really ready to leave.
Where do you go from here.??. I know this is really long.. Thanks so much for any input if you’ve made it this far.
Well here’s my story. I’m not quite sure why I’m writing it out, I guess because it seems more real on paper. I think my BF is an alcoholic and I’m not sure I can deal with it anymore. I also have my own tendencies to drink and come from a family of alcoholics as well. My problems are in check right now as I am 6 months pregnant with my second child.
When my BF and I started dating about 4 years ago we both drank and smoked pot. We had a great time. We had the occasional fight but life was all about fun. Well within 6 months we were pregnant. He moved in with me. (I think he still regrets it to this day) Anyhow we had our troubles right from the beginning. After I couldn’t party with him anymore, he started going out to do so. Then he would come home ranting and raving about this or that. I should have seen from right then and there that it wouldn’t and couldn’t work. But I was 23 years old and felt like I owed the relationship everything I had for the baby growing inside me. Fast forward 2 ½ years. Although things have remained mostly the same and I generally feel like a single parent. I continue to stay because I don’t want to go through the fighting for custody and screwing up my credit just to get rid of him. I have moments when I still care about him, but I’m very resentful because I feel all of this time has changed the person that I AM. (And not for the better) We unexpectedly got pregnant a 2nd time and lost the baby at 10 weeks. At that time he told me he didn’t want anymore children anyway. (Nice thing to tell a woman 1 day after a miscarriage) Anyway.. it happened again. It’s miraculous really, I’ve been so aloof to him we were barely having sex once a month and I was using B/C. So 6 months into this pregnancy and things are actually seeming worse, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should leave, but the stress of it is just too much. I feel like if I have to do all of this right now there is no way I’ll carry this baby to term. I always said.. if he ever hits me I’M OUT! Well it finally happened and here I still sit. How did it get this bad? How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
It all started last Friday. I had an off site meeting for my job. Well of course he didn’t believe that and accused me of cheating and lying. (Which I tend to feel are actually what he’s doing) Then I had plans to go to a movie with my girlfriends on Sunday, something I haven’t done in 2 or 3 years! I got his mom to baby-sit even though he was at home when I left. I was gone a total of 6 hours. Including dropping off and picking up our daughter. He was gone when I got home at 8:45. He came home at midnight and turned on the light like usual. And started yelling how I shouldn’t call him when he goes on vacation either. (That’s a whole other story..he was leaving for Vegas in the morning. I choose not to go) Accused me of sleeping with my girlfriends, lying and everything else under the sun. The grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head up from the pillow. I just swung around and hit him. I know I shouldn’t have, and I’ve never hit him before, but I’d just had enough of this crap. Much to my surprise he hit me right back. Which then turned even uglier.. pushing and shoving and more hitting..open hand, 3 times in the face. With our 3 yr old sleeping right there in the bed. I got up and went down stairs. After reading for a while and calming down I decided he was probably asleep so I went back into the bedroom. Well he decided that it would be a good time to start groping me. To which I didn’t say anything and just got up and left again. This time he followed me out of the room and started yelling about something else, my race, I’m fat.. blah blah blah. Pointing his fingers in my face and pushing in my nose. Then as I lay in a large chair vulnerable to him standing above me, he lifts his leg and foot and threatens to kick me in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. Yet I didn’t flinch. He continued to point in my face so I bit him in the back of his hand. I just wanted him to leave me alone and at this point I feared for my baby. He finally just went and laid down cursing me all the way. In the morning he blamed it on me and said he would move out after he got home from his trip. I said no need to worry I would be gone when he got back. He continued to call all day and give me his version of an apology and actually took the blame and sent flowers. And my stupid vulnerable self got roped back into it. Knowing he would be gone for 4 days actually made it easier. He just got home this morning and I can’t imagine what the next couple of days will be like. I’m sure he’ll be on best behavior. I never thought I would be one to stay in a relationship like that. I don’t think he would have hit me if I didn’t hit him, but it still doesn't give him the right to pull me up by my hair.
Now I sit, with 1 ½ kids, the lease in my name with 10 months left on it, two cars in my name and I don’t know what to do. I want it to work so badly, but I can see that if he doesn’t get help the fighting, accusing, verbal and emotional abuse will only continue. I’m just so scared of the way he will make me look to my kids and how it will affect them. I tried to set up an appointment with a lawyer to see what my options are, but I’m just not ready to plunk down $250 if I’m not really ready to leave.
Where do you go from here.??. I know this is really long.. Thanks so much for any input if you’ve made it this far.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Doesn't sound good, not for you, not for him, not for your child and not for your baby.
Forget the worries about how he will make you look to your kids in the future. The future hasn't happened yet. Forget the flowers and apology-this is textbook alcoholic behavior and is empty and meaningless. As far as the fight, you are both guilty of the violence, and this has caused your "relationship" to reach a pivotal point. Is this the way YOU want your life to be, and the life you want for your children? Parenting is serious business. You are raising future adults who will learn from their parent the behaviors that are acceptable in life. Is coming in drunk every night, being called horrible names and being falsely accused of affairs when you did nothing more than enjoy the company of a friend, being woke up at 6 months pregnant and pulled by the hair, is any of this acceptable behavior to you? Do NOT minimize what happened. It must have been so out-of-control and scary, especially being pregnant.
I would take the opportunity while he is gone to contact a women's shelter and talk with someone experienced about making a plan. You cannot afford to let this happen again, and I believe it will happen again now.
I'm sorry I forgot to say welcome, sweetie. SR has all walks, and many young women like yourself and older women also who can fill you in on life in an alcoholic, abusive home. Many of us were raised in an alcoholic home, which statistically has "helped" us to choose inappropriate, alcoholic partners in life.
The cars, the lease, all can be dealt with. I think it would be much easier to deal with those financial matters after you have sorted out where to live, away from violence. Please protect yourself and your children, from this day forward. There is absolutely NO reason to put yourself in this type of dangerous situation ever again. If your boyfriend is truly "the one" for you, he will have to commit himself to not drinking and starting a program to help him. In order for that to work, he will have to really want it for HIMSELF. He doesn't sound near ready for that type of decision yet. So it is up to you to decide for YOURSELF that YOU are ready for your own program, one that keeps you and your children safe and away from verbal and physical abuse. You deserve better. I hope you stick around and learn a bunch about codependency and how living with an alcoholic affects YOU.
Forget the worries about how he will make you look to your kids in the future. The future hasn't happened yet. Forget the flowers and apology-this is textbook alcoholic behavior and is empty and meaningless. As far as the fight, you are both guilty of the violence, and this has caused your "relationship" to reach a pivotal point. Is this the way YOU want your life to be, and the life you want for your children? Parenting is serious business. You are raising future adults who will learn from their parent the behaviors that are acceptable in life. Is coming in drunk every night, being called horrible names and being falsely accused of affairs when you did nothing more than enjoy the company of a friend, being woke up at 6 months pregnant and pulled by the hair, is any of this acceptable behavior to you? Do NOT minimize what happened. It must have been so out-of-control and scary, especially being pregnant.
I would take the opportunity while he is gone to contact a women's shelter and talk with someone experienced about making a plan. You cannot afford to let this happen again, and I believe it will happen again now.
I'm sorry I forgot to say welcome, sweetie. SR has all walks, and many young women like yourself and older women also who can fill you in on life in an alcoholic, abusive home. Many of us were raised in an alcoholic home, which statistically has "helped" us to choose inappropriate, alcoholic partners in life.
The cars, the lease, all can be dealt with. I think it would be much easier to deal with those financial matters after you have sorted out where to live, away from violence. Please protect yourself and your children, from this day forward. There is absolutely NO reason to put yourself in this type of dangerous situation ever again. If your boyfriend is truly "the one" for you, he will have to commit himself to not drinking and starting a program to help him. In order for that to work, he will have to really want it for HIMSELF. He doesn't sound near ready for that type of decision yet. So it is up to you to decide for YOURSELF that YOU are ready for your own program, one that keeps you and your children safe and away from verbal and physical abuse. You deserve better. I hope you stick around and learn a bunch about codependency and how living with an alcoholic affects YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey isitme-
DITTO DITTO DITTO everything Peaceteach said!
Many of us spend years trying to figure out the answer to this:
How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
But here's the great thing: Accept that you did willingly lead yourself down this path and it means YOU have the POWER to lead yourself out!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
One day at a time - and easy does it. You don't have to have the whole route laid out to begin the journey. Baby steps can launch you.
When I finally told my parents that my Ex and I were splitting up my mother said "It's time to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror." HOLY SH&T I was floored. But she was right. Don't waste another minute thinking or wishing that things will work out, or that he would be different. Be in REALITY. Do not be in denial. Pay attention only to behavior over time - not flowers or apologies.
Sending you a prayer for your safety and mental health and for your children. I hope you will seek and accept some local help. Life can be so beautiful and joyful and healthy! You do not have to accept and perpetrate for your kids this ugly way of life!!
And keep posting- no matter what happens - collectively on this sight we've seen it all - and we know we each must walk our own path! Just remember you are not alone!
Peace,
B.
DITTO DITTO DITTO everything Peaceteach said!
Many of us spend years trying to figure out the answer to this:
How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
But here's the great thing: Accept that you did willingly lead yourself down this path and it means YOU have the POWER to lead yourself out!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
One day at a time - and easy does it. You don't have to have the whole route laid out to begin the journey. Baby steps can launch you.
When I finally told my parents that my Ex and I were splitting up my mother said "It's time to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror." HOLY SH&T I was floored. But she was right. Don't waste another minute thinking or wishing that things will work out, or that he would be different. Be in REALITY. Do not be in denial. Pay attention only to behavior over time - not flowers or apologies.
Sending you a prayer for your safety and mental health and for your children. I hope you will seek and accept some local help. Life can be so beautiful and joyful and healthy! You do not have to accept and perpetrate for your kids this ugly way of life!!
And keep posting- no matter what happens - collectively on this sight we've seen it all - and we know we each must walk our own path! Just remember you are not alone!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hun....welcome here and pull up a chair and learn. HE IS ONLY DOING WHAT ADDICTS DO !!!!!!!!!!!! And alcohol is a drug. I lived your life for 22 years as most here have and its so not worth it. My XAH finally left us for another alcoholic and looking back today it was the best thing the man ever did for us. Yes it was hard very hard....and still is sometimes but I don't have to worry about who he is going to kill on the road or who or which kid of our he was going to target tonight. Run for your life sweetie and don't look back. The lease and the cars are sooooooo unimportant. You can deal with the havoc those will bring later on. Find a place to stay and just leave him in the dust.
Janitw
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Please do protect yourself and your children from further physical harm. Abuse from an abuser, alcoholic or not, is only likely to get more frequent and more violent. Contact a woman's shelter for help and advice if you need it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
Is coming in drunk every night, being called horrible names and being falsely accused of affairs when you did nothing more than enjoy the company of a friend, being woke up at 6 months pregnant and pulled by the hair, is any of this acceptable behavior to you? Do NOT minimize what happened. It must have been so out-of-control and scary, especially being pregnant.
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are going through this. Please continue to post here and learn about codependency. Please keep safe!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Isitme? No, it's not you! It's him...
Alcoholism is progressive, that means it only get's worse, not better...Abuse is also progressive..it starts with a slap, maybe a hair pull and ends up being full blown batterings...
The lease..the cars, they're all materialistic and can be sorted out, your mental health and the physical well being of you and your kids is what is most important.
He's not gonna get better and get help unless HE wants to, you can't help him or make him change..
He hit you and he's had no consequences...what does that tell him? It tells him it's ok for him to do it again because nothing will happen to him, and he will do it again..
Cons -
He's an alcoholic
He's violent
He's aggressive
He's controlling
He rants & raves
He stays out partying
He's unsupportive
He's jealous & paranoid
You feel like a single parent
He puts you down
You suspect him of lying & cheating
What are the PROS? What are YOU getting from this relationship?
Alcoholism is progressive, that means it only get's worse, not better...Abuse is also progressive..it starts with a slap, maybe a hair pull and ends up being full blown batterings...
The lease..the cars, they're all materialistic and can be sorted out, your mental health and the physical well being of you and your kids is what is most important.
He's not gonna get better and get help unless HE wants to, you can't help him or make him change..
He hit you and he's had no consequences...what does that tell him? It tells him it's ok for him to do it again because nothing will happen to him, and he will do it again..
Cons -
He's an alcoholic
He's violent
He's aggressive
He's controlling
He rants & raves
He stays out partying
He's unsupportive
He's jealous & paranoid
You feel like a single parent
He puts you down
You suspect him of lying & cheating
What are the PROS? What are YOU getting from this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
(((isitme)))
Welcome and I hope you stick around. Lots of good wisdom already posted for you here; please do what you need to do to stay safe--for you, your child, and the one on the way.
I never thought I would stay in an abusive relationship. But I did. For too long. It got worse over time both physically and verbally. There were obstacles to overcome; my fears being some of the biggest. But I finally left with my son. Even though there were some rough spots and I had to make sacrifices, it was the single most important (and best) thing I have ever done. I look back and can't believe I lived like that for even one minute and it makes me thankful for what I do have today: peace of mind, safety, and a grown, healthy son.
I found this on an old post not sure of where it came from originally, but I wanted to share with you. It still sends shivers down my spine.
If he can do this to you while pregnant, what could he do when you aren't? Hugs and take care.
I got flowers today.....
I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other specialday.
We had our first argument last night, and he
said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things
he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started
to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers toda
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and
strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.
written by:
unknown
Welcome and I hope you stick around. Lots of good wisdom already posted for you here; please do what you need to do to stay safe--for you, your child, and the one on the way.
I never thought I would stay in an abusive relationship. But I did. For too long. It got worse over time both physically and verbally. There were obstacles to overcome; my fears being some of the biggest. But I finally left with my son. Even though there were some rough spots and I had to make sacrifices, it was the single most important (and best) thing I have ever done. I look back and can't believe I lived like that for even one minute and it makes me thankful for what I do have today: peace of mind, safety, and a grown, healthy son.
I found this on an old post not sure of where it came from originally, but I wanted to share with you. It still sends shivers down my spine.
If he can do this to you while pregnant, what could he do when you aren't? Hugs and take care.
I got flowers today.....
I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other specialday.
We had our first argument last night, and he
said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things
he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started
to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers toda
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and
strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.
written by:
unknown
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Thanks everyone. It's all so true. I've spend so much time trying to figure out the exact nature of his problem..narcissism? passive aggressive? etc.. that I completely overlooked all of the things that addicts habitually do. I feel like I've let myself be brainwashed into believing that functional alcoholics are not as bad as the ones who let everything fall to the wayside. But in reality it seems like the functional ones are just better liars.
I've been reading the Co-Dependent Books and as much as they are eye openers I can see that I've already changes a lot of my behaviors. I think my main issue at this point is that I don't leave. I'm not really sure how to explain it. I'm really not afraid of being alone, so I'm not sure why the decision is so hard? I guess all I can do right now is take it one day at a time.
I have a question for any of you that have been on anti-depressants. I had just started taking these again when I found out I was pregnant. Because I hadn't been on them that long (although they were helping) I decided to quit taking them for the benefit of my baby. Now I have days where I really wish I had them, my doctor has said it's safe to take them but herein lies my problem. I feel like I'm reaching for some problem solver/ mood alter-er when I already know what the real problem is. Have any of you resorted to taking meds even when you knew you'd probably feel better if you just got yourself out of your current situation? Or do you need them to get you to the point where you feel good enough to leave. I sometimes feel like my depression is what is crippling me into staying here. Of course I get so confused about everything there is really no telling anymore..
I've been reading the Co-Dependent Books and as much as they are eye openers I can see that I've already changes a lot of my behaviors. I think my main issue at this point is that I don't leave. I'm not really sure how to explain it. I'm really not afraid of being alone, so I'm not sure why the decision is so hard? I guess all I can do right now is take it one day at a time.
I have a question for any of you that have been on anti-depressants. I had just started taking these again when I found out I was pregnant. Because I hadn't been on them that long (although they were helping) I decided to quit taking them for the benefit of my baby. Now I have days where I really wish I had them, my doctor has said it's safe to take them but herein lies my problem. I feel like I'm reaching for some problem solver/ mood alter-er when I already know what the real problem is. Have any of you resorted to taking meds even when you knew you'd probably feel better if you just got yourself out of your current situation? Or do you need them to get you to the point where you feel good enough to leave. I sometimes feel like my depression is what is crippling me into staying here. Of course I get so confused about everything there is really no telling anymore..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
There is nothing wrong about taking medications that allow you to live a better life regardless of the specific circumstances. If the doc has cleared the use of the meds during pregnancy, take them. Depression, amongst all the many other effects it has, clouds you thinking. Taking care of yourself in all ways will allow you to think clearly and make decisions and plans. {hugs}
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: KY
Posts: 11
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was pregnant and alone most of the time. It was so depressing. I kicked him out then I took him back right before our daughter was born.
I have to tell you I am very concerned for you and your children. Things like this don't magically get better. I work with victims of domestic violence. This is a terribly risky situation. You never know when the worst can happen. He is a threat not only to you but your children. If you can't leave you need to get some type of help. You need a plan in place so that if he gets violent again you can escape. There is help out there. Contact a local Women's crisis center and start making a plan. Finances do no matter when you and your children are at risk. Things can be replaced, people can't.
I'll be thinking of you. Keep us up to date.
I have to tell you I am very concerned for you and your children. Things like this don't magically get better. I work with victims of domestic violence. This is a terribly risky situation. You never know when the worst can happen. He is a threat not only to you but your children. If you can't leave you need to get some type of help. You need a plan in place so that if he gets violent again you can escape. There is help out there. Contact a local Women's crisis center and start making a plan. Finances do no matter when you and your children are at risk. Things can be replaced, people can't.
I'll be thinking of you. Keep us up to date.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
isitme,
Antidepressants are not "happy" pills, they are not mood alterers per se. Take them for goodness sakes! As far as your bf, he needs to get some help and you and the kids needs to be safe!
I am praying for you.
Antidepressants are not "happy" pills, they are not mood alterers per se. Take them for goodness sakes! As far as your bf, he needs to get some help and you and the kids needs to be safe!
I am praying for you.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
About depression
I have clinical depression and have had it for most of my adult life. So, let me give you my perspective on it.
I've been on anti-depressants for years. They help even out the chemical imbalance in my brain that is caused by depression - they're not 'happy pills' but they allow me the chance of being happy! With my depression unchecked I get so that I have no energy and I can't cope - everything is just too much, it's all such a mess - and I withdraw from friends and family.
Getting out of bed is impossible never mind anything else! The anti-depressants help lift this weight off of me so I can start to function as a 'normal' human being and can think more clearly. I regain the energy I need to get out of bed in the morning.
Right now I can feel myself slipping back down so I'm going back to my doctor to adjust my dosage so I can cope with the day to day stuff that's happening as well as make better judgements on what I need to be happy. Once I have managed to change my situation, I can then scale them back - and maybe even come off them for good! Without them, I'd never get anything done...
So please, if the doctor says they're OK, take the pills! Depression is a disease just like any other, so please take the treatment! And you might want to ask about counselling - medication alone is not as effective as medication and counselling together.
Oops! Turned into a bit of a lecture - sorry! this is something I feel strongly about - can you tell?
Please take care of yourself and make good use of every tool at your disposal to get to a better place for you and your kids. :ghug3
I've been on anti-depressants for years. They help even out the chemical imbalance in my brain that is caused by depression - they're not 'happy pills' but they allow me the chance of being happy! With my depression unchecked I get so that I have no energy and I can't cope - everything is just too much, it's all such a mess - and I withdraw from friends and family.
Getting out of bed is impossible never mind anything else! The anti-depressants help lift this weight off of me so I can start to function as a 'normal' human being and can think more clearly. I regain the energy I need to get out of bed in the morning.
Right now I can feel myself slipping back down so I'm going back to my doctor to adjust my dosage so I can cope with the day to day stuff that's happening as well as make better judgements on what I need to be happy. Once I have managed to change my situation, I can then scale them back - and maybe even come off them for good! Without them, I'd never get anything done...
So please, if the doctor says they're OK, take the pills! Depression is a disease just like any other, so please take the treatment! And you might want to ask about counselling - medication alone is not as effective as medication and counselling together.
Oops! Turned into a bit of a lecture - sorry! this is something I feel strongly about - can you tell?
Please take care of yourself and make good use of every tool at your disposal to get to a better place for you and your kids. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
What a great explanation! I was telling someone today how it's getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning. I'm very lucky I have a flexible boss. By rules I should be here at 8:30... I used to get here about 9..lately I've been pushing 10. 
I guess I've just conditioned myself into thinking I don't need them, even though I've been diagnosed time and again. I think I feel this way about all pills.. mostly because I've watched both of my parents be on so many different things throughout the years. I know I can't compare my own illness, but I just never wanted to admit that I had inherited it. I am currently looking for a counselor as well. I have an OB appointment in the morning and plan to ask her what dosage I should start back at. Thanks For all the support for a NEWBIE. :ghug3
I guess I've just conditioned myself into thinking I don't need them, even though I've been diagnosed time and again. I think I feel this way about all pills.. mostly because I've watched both of my parents be on so many different things throughout the years. I know I can't compare my own illness, but I just never wanted to admit that I had inherited it. I am currently looking for a counselor as well. I have an OB appointment in the morning and plan to ask her what dosage I should start back at. Thanks For all the support for a NEWBIE. :ghug3
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Yeah for you isitme!! And great post Book! That is exactly what I meant. Antidepressants allow you to see a light at the end of the tunnel thank goodness. I take Celexa for PMDD and I don't know where I would be without them!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by isitme
Heads Up..** THIS IS LONG**
Well here’s my story. I’m not quite sure why I’m writing it out, I guess because it seems more real on paper. I think my BF is an alcoholic and I’m not sure I can deal with it anymore. I also have my own tendencies to drink and come from a family of alcoholics as well. My problems are in check right now as I am 6 months pregnant with my second child.
When my BF and I started dating about 4 years ago we both drank and smoked pot. We had a great time. We had the occasional fight but life was all about fun. Well within 6 months we were pregnant. He moved in with me. (I think he still regrets it to this day) Anyhow we had our troubles right from the beginning. After I couldn’t party with him anymore, he started going out to do so. Then he would come home ranting and raving about this or that. I should have seen from right then and there that it wouldn’t and couldn’t work. But I was 23 years old and felt like I owed the relationship everything I had for the baby growing inside me. Fast forward 2 ½ years. Although things have remained mostly the same and I generally feel like a single parent. I continue to stay because I don’t want to go through the fighting for custody and screwing up my credit just to get rid of him. I have moments when I still care about him, but I’m very resentful because I feel all of this time has changed the person that I AM. (And not for the better) We unexpectedly got pregnant a 2nd time and lost the baby at 10 weeks. At that time he told me he didn’t want anymore children anyway. (Nice thing to tell a woman 1 day after a miscarriage) Anyway.. it happened again. It’s miraculous really, I’ve been so aloof to him we were barely having sex once a month and I was using B/C. So 6 months into this pregnancy and things are actually seeming worse, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should leave, but the stress of it is just too much. I feel like if I have to do all of this right now there is no way I’ll carry this baby to term. I always said.. if he ever hits me I’M OUT! Well it finally happened and here I still sit. How did it get this bad? How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
It all started last Friday. I had an off site meeting for my job. Well of course he didn’t believe that and accused me of cheating and lying. (Which I tend to feel are actually what he’s doing) Then I had plans to go to a movie with my girlfriends on Sunday, something I haven’t done in 2 or 3 years! I got his mom to baby-sit even though he was at home when I left. I was gone a total of 6 hours. Including dropping off and picking up our daughter. He was gone when I got home at 8:45. He came home at midnight and turned on the light like usual. And started yelling how I shouldn’t call him when he goes on vacation either. (That’s a whole other story..he was leaving for Vegas in the morning. I choose not to go) Accused me of sleeping with my girlfriends, lying and everything else under the sun. The grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head up from the pillow. I just swung around and hit him. I know I shouldn’t have, and I’ve never hit him before, but I’d just had enough of this crap. Much to my surprise he hit me right back. Which then turned even uglier.. pushing and shoving and more hitting..open hand, 3 times in the face. With our 3 yr old sleeping right there in the bed. I got up and went down stairs. After reading for a while and calming down I decided he was probably asleep so I went back into the bedroom. Well he decided that it would be a good time to start groping me. To which I didn’t say anything and just got up and left again. This time he followed me out of the room and started yelling about something else, my race, I’m fat.. blah blah blah. Pointing his fingers in my face and pushing in my nose. Then as I lay in a large chair vulnerable to him standing above me, he lifts his leg and foot and threatens to kick me in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. Yet I didn’t flinch. He continued to point in my face so I bit him in the back of his hand. I just wanted him to leave me alone and at this point I feared for my baby. He finally just went and laid down cursing me all the way. In the morning he blamed it on me and said he would move out after he got home from his trip. I said no need to worry I would be gone when he got back. He continued to call all day and give me his version of an apology and actually took the blame and sent flowers. And my stupid vulnerable self got roped back into it. Knowing he would be gone for 4 days actually made it easier. He just got home this morning and I can’t imagine what the next couple of days will be like. I’m sure he’ll be on best behavior. I never thought I would be one to stay in a relationship like that. I don’t think he would have hit me if I didn’t hit him, but it still doesn't give him the right to pull me up by my hair.
Now I sit, with 1 ½ kids, the lease in my name with 10 months left on it, two cars in my name and I don’t know what to do. I want it to work so badly, but I can see that if he doesn’t get help the fighting, accusing, verbal and emotional abuse will only continue. I’m just so scared of the way he will make me look to my kids and how it will affect them. I tried to set up an appointment with a lawyer to see what my options are, but I’m just not ready to plunk down $250 if I’m not really ready to leave.
Where do you go from here.??. I know this is really long.. Thanks so much for any input if you’ve made it this far.
Well here’s my story. I’m not quite sure why I’m writing it out, I guess because it seems more real on paper. I think my BF is an alcoholic and I’m not sure I can deal with it anymore. I also have my own tendencies to drink and come from a family of alcoholics as well. My problems are in check right now as I am 6 months pregnant with my second child.
When my BF and I started dating about 4 years ago we both drank and smoked pot. We had a great time. We had the occasional fight but life was all about fun. Well within 6 months we were pregnant. He moved in with me. (I think he still regrets it to this day) Anyhow we had our troubles right from the beginning. After I couldn’t party with him anymore, he started going out to do so. Then he would come home ranting and raving about this or that. I should have seen from right then and there that it wouldn’t and couldn’t work. But I was 23 years old and felt like I owed the relationship everything I had for the baby growing inside me. Fast forward 2 ½ years. Although things have remained mostly the same and I generally feel like a single parent. I continue to stay because I don’t want to go through the fighting for custody and screwing up my credit just to get rid of him. I have moments when I still care about him, but I’m very resentful because I feel all of this time has changed the person that I AM. (And not for the better) We unexpectedly got pregnant a 2nd time and lost the baby at 10 weeks. At that time he told me he didn’t want anymore children anyway. (Nice thing to tell a woman 1 day after a miscarriage) Anyway.. it happened again. It’s miraculous really, I’ve been so aloof to him we were barely having sex once a month and I was using B/C. So 6 months into this pregnancy and things are actually seeming worse, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should leave, but the stress of it is just too much. I feel like if I have to do all of this right now there is no way I’ll carry this baby to term. I always said.. if he ever hits me I’M OUT! Well it finally happened and here I still sit. How did it get this bad? How could I have led myself willingly down this path?
It all started last Friday. I had an off site meeting for my job. Well of course he didn’t believe that and accused me of cheating and lying. (Which I tend to feel are actually what he’s doing) Then I had plans to go to a movie with my girlfriends on Sunday, something I haven’t done in 2 or 3 years! I got his mom to baby-sit even though he was at home when I left. I was gone a total of 6 hours. Including dropping off and picking up our daughter. He was gone when I got home at 8:45. He came home at midnight and turned on the light like usual. And started yelling how I shouldn’t call him when he goes on vacation either. (That’s a whole other story..he was leaving for Vegas in the morning. I choose not to go) Accused me of sleeping with my girlfriends, lying and everything else under the sun. The grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head up from the pillow. I just swung around and hit him. I know I shouldn’t have, and I’ve never hit him before, but I’d just had enough of this crap. Much to my surprise he hit me right back. Which then turned even uglier.. pushing and shoving and more hitting..open hand, 3 times in the face. With our 3 yr old sleeping right there in the bed. I got up and went down stairs. After reading for a while and calming down I decided he was probably asleep so I went back into the bedroom. Well he decided that it would be a good time to start groping me. To which I didn’t say anything and just got up and left again. This time he followed me out of the room and started yelling about something else, my race, I’m fat.. blah blah blah. Pointing his fingers in my face and pushing in my nose. Then as I lay in a large chair vulnerable to him standing above me, he lifts his leg and foot and threatens to kick me in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. Yet I didn’t flinch. He continued to point in my face so I bit him in the back of his hand. I just wanted him to leave me alone and at this point I feared for my baby. He finally just went and laid down cursing me all the way. In the morning he blamed it on me and said he would move out after he got home from his trip. I said no need to worry I would be gone when he got back. He continued to call all day and give me his version of an apology and actually took the blame and sent flowers. And my stupid vulnerable self got roped back into it. Knowing he would be gone for 4 days actually made it easier. He just got home this morning and I can’t imagine what the next couple of days will be like. I’m sure he’ll be on best behavior. I never thought I would be one to stay in a relationship like that. I don’t think he would have hit me if I didn’t hit him, but it still doesn't give him the right to pull me up by my hair.
Now I sit, with 1 ½ kids, the lease in my name with 10 months left on it, two cars in my name and I don’t know what to do. I want it to work so badly, but I can see that if he doesn’t get help the fighting, accusing, verbal and emotional abuse will only continue. I’m just so scared of the way he will make me look to my kids and how it will affect them. I tried to set up an appointment with a lawyer to see what my options are, but I’m just not ready to plunk down $250 if I’m not really ready to leave.
Where do you go from here.??. I know this is really long.. Thanks so much for any input if you’ve made it this far.
Please keep us posted on what is happening. I wish you so much luck. I hope you get out and never look back.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there isitme,
I feel for you, and I hope you mange to find safety for you and your children. I too have been suffering from depression for a long time (close to 14 yrs). I too get into work late alot!
Depression is an inbalance of hormones within the brain. The brain has a hormone called ''serotonin'' that helps us to function in a healthy way. It is a neurotransmitter present in the brain that is involved in the control of pain perception, the sleep-wake cycle (which is why we sleep so much!), and mood. Also the reason why you are so tired is that the dream pattern is altered. People who suffer from depression dream more than others. In dream mode, we do not reach REM sleep and our body does not rest. So even after sleeping for 10-12 hours you can still feel like you need more and be yawning all day!
Serotonin levels can fluxuate. When the level drops and stays low, we suffer from depression. Put simply, the brain effectively 'forgets' how to make serotonin, and cannot push the levels back up again. So for suffers of depression it is not simply a case of ''get on with it'' or changing our situation in order to make us better. We need meds.
The most common form of antidepressant are SSRI's or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. These will help your brain to produce the hormone serotonin once again and help levels return to normal. These will gradually (over 4-6 weeks) lift your mood and allow you to function once again. If after this time, you feel no benefit, or that you are still feeling low, you may need a higher dose or perhaps a different type of antidepressant.
Antidepressants are not pills to make you 'feel good' or give you a 'high' (my exabf once stole some of my pills thinking he would get this effect). They simply help your brain 'remember' how to make serotonin and feel better.
I have now been on meds for over two years, It can be a long process and sometimes cognitive behaviour therapy combined with treatment is most beneficial. However within a few months of taking my medicine, I found I was ''me'' again and more able to face my problems without dread!
Here are some symtoms of depression, taken from the web site:
Depression Treatment, Medication, Help, Symptoms: Anxiety Attacks Depression Test, Types, ADHD Causes
''Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
You feel that life has/is 'passing you by'.
You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
Loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities.
You feel a burden to others.
You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
You feel you have no confidence.
You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. Or the opposite!
Physical Symptoms of Depression include:
Changes in weight - either significant loss or gain in weight.
Restlessness, fatigue.
Physical aches and pains, sometimes with the fear that you are seriously ill.
Some more Severe Symptoms of Depression include:
Thoughts about death or suicide.
Increased heart beat
Poor concentration, memory or attention.''
Please take the meds, your children need you to be there for them and you need you to be there for yourself! Please speak to some battered woman shelters in your area, you really do not need to be in that harmful environment!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I feel for you, and I hope you mange to find safety for you and your children. I too have been suffering from depression for a long time (close to 14 yrs). I too get into work late alot!
Depression is an inbalance of hormones within the brain. The brain has a hormone called ''serotonin'' that helps us to function in a healthy way. It is a neurotransmitter present in the brain that is involved in the control of pain perception, the sleep-wake cycle (which is why we sleep so much!), and mood. Also the reason why you are so tired is that the dream pattern is altered. People who suffer from depression dream more than others. In dream mode, we do not reach REM sleep and our body does not rest. So even after sleeping for 10-12 hours you can still feel like you need more and be yawning all day!
Serotonin levels can fluxuate. When the level drops and stays low, we suffer from depression. Put simply, the brain effectively 'forgets' how to make serotonin, and cannot push the levels back up again. So for suffers of depression it is not simply a case of ''get on with it'' or changing our situation in order to make us better. We need meds.
The most common form of antidepressant are SSRI's or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. These will help your brain to produce the hormone serotonin once again and help levels return to normal. These will gradually (over 4-6 weeks) lift your mood and allow you to function once again. If after this time, you feel no benefit, or that you are still feeling low, you may need a higher dose or perhaps a different type of antidepressant.
Antidepressants are not pills to make you 'feel good' or give you a 'high' (my exabf once stole some of my pills thinking he would get this effect). They simply help your brain 'remember' how to make serotonin and feel better.
I have now been on meds for over two years, It can be a long process and sometimes cognitive behaviour therapy combined with treatment is most beneficial. However within a few months of taking my medicine, I found I was ''me'' again and more able to face my problems without dread!
Here are some symtoms of depression, taken from the web site:
Depression Treatment, Medication, Help, Symptoms: Anxiety Attacks Depression Test, Types, ADHD Causes
''Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
You feel that life has/is 'passing you by'.
You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
Loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities.
You feel a burden to others.
You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
You feel you have no confidence.
You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. Or the opposite!
Physical Symptoms of Depression include:
Changes in weight - either significant loss or gain in weight.
Restlessness, fatigue.
Physical aches and pains, sometimes with the fear that you are seriously ill.
Some more Severe Symptoms of Depression include:
Thoughts about death or suicide.
Increased heart beat
Poor concentration, memory or attention.''
Please take the meds, your children need you to be there for them and you need you to be there for yourself! Please speak to some battered woman shelters in your area, you really do not need to be in that harmful environment!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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