wesleycrozier

I need help deciding if my boyfriend is an alcoholic... I've been trying to decide if he has a problem for about 2 years.

He always drinks after he gets off work, but has never missed work due to alcohol. He usually drinks until he's very drunk. He works night shift and so he usually comes to bed drunk around 4am. This isn't that big of a deal to me but when he comes to bed he intentionally wakes me up and starts to act extremely childish and continually says things like "You don't love me", "we should break up", and worse. When I confront him in the morning he says he doesn't remember those things, assures me he doesn't feel that way, and says he loves me. And yet every night it's the same thing. I've tried to deal with this several ways: ignoring him, sleeping elsewhere, reasoning with him (does this ever work? haha). None of these work, and sometimes I get so frustrated and angry that I just want to hit him... I dont know how else to make him stop. I've told him repeatedly that although he doesn't remember the situation (or he claims not to) I do remember them and I'm becoming more and more insecure with our relationship.

Please let me know what I should do...
-Wesley

isitme

I'm new here too, but I could have pretty much written your post. I would say YES. He's an alcoholic. My BF is the same way. He is mostly responsible with money (the bills are paid) and has a very good work ethic and never misses work. But like you, what isn't working is that he goes out every night drinking, comes home, wakes me up, with stupid complaints or just to fight in general. He might not say he's drinking, but I know he is. I too have become more and more insecure about our relationship for more reasons than just that. I think these things do consitute a person being an alcoholic, a funtioning one, but one none the less. I guess for you and me we are the only ones who can make the choice to stay or go. If we want to be treated this way or not.

laurie6781

First I will say WELCOME to SR to both of you.

You have the choice to stay or go.

My first reaction was RUN, RUN as far and as fast as you can. My second reaction is if you choose to stay find some Alanon meetings and start going RIGHT AWAY.

I can't help but wonder why you continue to take the abuse. And yes this is ABUSE, whether they remember it or not.

You are dealing with alcoholics, that will continue to get worse not better while they continue to drink. They will start missing work, they will lose jobs, they will be asking you for money constantly.

Do you really want to live this way? I doubt it. There are alternatives. If money is a problem. go to your nearest Domestic Violence shelter (yes verbal abuse is domestic violence) they have lots of resourses for finding you help, a place to live, counseling, a job etc.

Do you really want to do this 'dance' for many years to come? It will only get worse, not better.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,

sailorjohn

WELCOME

Good to know if you're in a relationship with an alcoholic, then you can decide if that's what you want for yourself. You can let the other know how you feel and what you believe, but until they figure this out for themselves, nothing will change. Good Luck.

cmc

Welcome to SR. I agree with Laurie that Al-Anon would be a good place to go. I have attended Al-Anon for many years, it's a lifesaver.

Remember that Al-Anon ( like this forum ) is for YOU. The focus of the meetings is not about what the other person is doing, but instead is a very safe place to go for support.

Al-Anon, counseling and coming to SR provided me with the tools I need to make good choices and to take better care of myself, which is hard to do if I'm always preoccupied with somebody else's life choices.

Reading the sticky threads will give you a better idea about this disease. The best way for me to learn was to pay close attention to others who share what we call ESH- Experience, Strength & Hope.

Barbara52

I can't tell you what to do since only you know what you want and need in your life. I can ask you some questions that may help you figure out what you wnat.

Why do you think its acceptable to be involved with someone who abuses you and brushes it off because they don't remember it?

Do you think its acceptable to drink to the point of blacking out?

Do you want this sort of existence for yourself 5, 10, 20 years from now?

You didn't cause this, your can't control this, you can't cure this. Only the alcoholic can do that. What you can do is decide if this is the sort of behavior you deserve and want in your life and then decide what to do aout it if it is not acceptable.

steve11694

Memory laps/amnesia is a hallmark of alcoholism, aka know as "blackouts"

I may have posted the reference to recent data but the research said 20% of alcoholics are highly functional. This realy means at any given time 20%, but as time goes by, members of the 20% deteriorate however are replace statistically with new alcoholic recruits. If you look at the 20% group today, and again in a year or two, or less time as everyone deteriorates at a different rate, that groups members will NOT be as functional.

My aw was less than a normal social drinker for the first few years so when she crossed the line to alcoholism, I DID notice the huge changes that you perhaps take for granted.

Personally, it is a horrible tragic thing that destroys both the addict and families. It is a progressive disease so it gets worse before better(if it ever gets better)

Life with an alcoholic has been likened to life in a mental institution being sane, imagine that!

isitme

That's crazy! But it I can see it. It sure feels that way sometimes.

underwood

Hi Wesley, Welcome to SR. Copy Barbara's response; print it out and put it somewhere you can refer back to it often. Her response is so straight forward and rings true for many of us. Two years is nothing in your lifetime, try 25 years hoping that things will change but don't. There are alcoholics who function quite well at work but take their disease out on the "ones they love".
Good luck.

steve11694

"That's crazy!" Yes, precisely and unequivocally. I also have known that feeling.

hbb

Hi and welcome.....mine never missed a day of work and he worked as early as 6 a.m. Was so drunk every night. Went to work smelling of beer and sometimes still drunk. He was a FULL blown alcoholic.

Like other's have said, no one can tell you what to do but i wished i ran for the hills and never looked back much sooner. Fortunately we are no longer together, no children and no marriage. I thank God everyday now.

sadandhopeless

I am new here as well and to me not that I am an expert it sounds as though he has a problem with drinking. This is a disease that always gets worse before it gets better (if it ever does get better) remember that. He should not be able to torture you and then not remember it. You should record him with a voice recorder one night and have him listen to it since he always seems to forget. They are a really cheap divice and can come in pretty handy in letting them here themselves and how stupid they usually sound. I have video taped my AH a few times. Espeically at his worst. This seems to help for a while to show them how they behave.

prodigal

You ignore him. He drinks.
You sleep elsewhere. He drinks.
You try reasoning with him. He drinks.
You are so frustratred with him that you feel like hitting him. He drinks.
You don't know what else you can do to make him stop.
He drinks.
You can walk away and leave for good. He drinks.

He wakes up one day and his life is destroyed. Money problems. Legal problems. Relationship problems. Family problems. Employment problems. Health problems.

Whatever PERSONAL catastrophe triggers it, IT BEGINS WITH HIM.

I sure wish I could tell you there is a way to stop him from drinking. There is no way. As I have said many times before, the addict owns the addiction. It is up to the addict to decide when, and if, he wishes to quit.

You are going through a great deal of emotional pain and you are putting up with a lot of alcohol-induced lunacy.

So the only thing you own in this relationship is the decision as to how much of his behaviors and acting-out you will tolerate. Sadly, that is the only thing you can control.