Long but please forgive this and I feel the need to explain
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Long but please forgive this and I feel the need to explain
I was trying to fix something I have no business trying to fix. My son and his best friend need to work this out together and if they dont they dont. They have been best friends for atleast 7 years and my son is going into his sophmore year and his friend is going into his junior year.
It is really hard not trying to make things better. I always want to fix things, I will compromise my own self being and self worth to make things okay with other people.
But what is sad to me is that I was trying to get my son, to just forget about what his bf did and get over it, but my son is not ready too he is angry and he knows he was lied to and does not want to talk to him right now.
My instinct make this all better, they go to highschool together, they will be playing on the same hockey team in the fall and have conditioning together every other day all summer, they play baseball together, they live down the street from each other, I like his mom and his dad and him and I think he is a great kid that did something really stupid but expensive, (destroyed my son's cell, my son left it over to his house outside on the curb). I understand why my son is so angry with him, I understand why my son doesnt want to talk to him right now.
I was telling my son just to make it all better, to sacrifice his thoughts and feelings to make things right, I even asked him to apologize to his friend when he did nothing to his friend.
What is wrong with me??
I agree with my son 100%, all my son knew is that his phone was missing and after searching for four days and asking his best friend to help, OUR sons mutual friend came over 4 days later and told my son what his best friend did with the phone. My son left his phone on the curb while skateboarding, his best friend saw it there and left it there saying not my phone not my problem, he then says he felt guilty about it and went back out to get it, and found it smashed and said it was run over by a car.
IMHO, If it was run over by a car wouldnt it have remained in the case and just crushed I live on a side street not off of a highway??? How did it get thrown all over the neighbors yard and the case be off of in another neighbors yard??? How come if his friend knew that my son's phone was missing he didnt call us and tell us he found a phone in pieces until I went over there to talk to them about what their mutual friend had said four days later. First he saw it on the curb, then he didnt. When he found the broken phone he didnt think it was my son's is what he said, then the story changed lastnight and he said he called my son to let him know he found a broken phone.
My son said he didnt call him and tell him he found a broken phone. If he would have called us and told us he found a broken phone and I found the case a couple days prior while I was walking the dogs, we would have put two and two together. By me finding the case a couple of days prior while walking my dogs, I brought the case home and was yelling at my son, because he hated the case but my h made him use it so he wouldnt loose it, but it had a big belt clip on it and he hated it cause it got in the way of his skateboarding, so that is why he always took it off and put in on the curb. So at the time, I just thought my son took the case off cause he hated it, not yet knowing that his phone was missing. His friend said the phone he found was in such pieces that he couldnt recognize it and didnt think it was my sons'
I dont think I should say anymore, cause I feel like this is so hard to follow, but I needed to get this out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this has been bother me so much since this has happened.
When I took him to hockey conditioning lastnight, his best friends mom was there of course and she came up to the car, and was telling me how disappointed she was in my son and how pissed off she was, that he would believe that her son would do something like that. I wanted to say a whole lot, but as usual I shut my mouth and let her tell me how disappointed and pissed off she was in my son because she doesnt believe her son is lying.
After hockey our sons mutual friend texted my sons best friend while at my house (my son left his hat at hockey and his best friend was returning it for him), and the text said, I am sorry to nark on you broooooooooo, but I had too.
Can you tell how upset I am, I am sorry but I want this to go away. Helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
It is really hard not trying to make things better. I always want to fix things, I will compromise my own self being and self worth to make things okay with other people.
But what is sad to me is that I was trying to get my son, to just forget about what his bf did and get over it, but my son is not ready too he is angry and he knows he was lied to and does not want to talk to him right now.
My instinct make this all better, they go to highschool together, they will be playing on the same hockey team in the fall and have conditioning together every other day all summer, they play baseball together, they live down the street from each other, I like his mom and his dad and him and I think he is a great kid that did something really stupid but expensive, (destroyed my son's cell, my son left it over to his house outside on the curb). I understand why my son is so angry with him, I understand why my son doesnt want to talk to him right now.
I was telling my son just to make it all better, to sacrifice his thoughts and feelings to make things right, I even asked him to apologize to his friend when he did nothing to his friend.
What is wrong with me??
I agree with my son 100%, all my son knew is that his phone was missing and after searching for four days and asking his best friend to help, OUR sons mutual friend came over 4 days later and told my son what his best friend did with the phone. My son left his phone on the curb while skateboarding, his best friend saw it there and left it there saying not my phone not my problem, he then says he felt guilty about it and went back out to get it, and found it smashed and said it was run over by a car.
IMHO, If it was run over by a car wouldnt it have remained in the case and just crushed I live on a side street not off of a highway??? How did it get thrown all over the neighbors yard and the case be off of in another neighbors yard??? How come if his friend knew that my son's phone was missing he didnt call us and tell us he found a phone in pieces until I went over there to talk to them about what their mutual friend had said four days later. First he saw it on the curb, then he didnt. When he found the broken phone he didnt think it was my son's is what he said, then the story changed lastnight and he said he called my son to let him know he found a broken phone.
My son said he didnt call him and tell him he found a broken phone. If he would have called us and told us he found a broken phone and I found the case a couple days prior while I was walking the dogs, we would have put two and two together. By me finding the case a couple of days prior while walking my dogs, I brought the case home and was yelling at my son, because he hated the case but my h made him use it so he wouldnt loose it, but it had a big belt clip on it and he hated it cause it got in the way of his skateboarding, so that is why he always took it off and put in on the curb. So at the time, I just thought my son took the case off cause he hated it, not yet knowing that his phone was missing. His friend said the phone he found was in such pieces that he couldnt recognize it and didnt think it was my sons'
I dont think I should say anymore, cause I feel like this is so hard to follow, but I needed to get this out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this has been bother me so much since this has happened.
When I took him to hockey conditioning lastnight, his best friends mom was there of course and she came up to the car, and was telling me how disappointed she was in my son and how pissed off she was, that he would believe that her son would do something like that. I wanted to say a whole lot, but as usual I shut my mouth and let her tell me how disappointed and pissed off she was in my son because she doesnt believe her son is lying.
After hockey our sons mutual friend texted my sons best friend while at my house (my son left his hat at hockey and his best friend was returning it for him), and the text said, I am sorry to nark on you broooooooooo, but I had too.
Can you tell how upset I am, I am sorry but I want this to go away. Helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Let's see if I have this right:
Your son left his phone on the curb.
It got damaged somehow by someone. No one knows who or when.
Its the friend's fault somehow?
You are inserting yourself in your son's problem and placing the blame for the whole phone mess on someone else?
Your son lost his phone. Its his responsibility, no one else's. What difference does it make how the phone got busted since the root cause is your son's leaving it on the street? Your son's friendship problems are yours because???
Step away and let your son work out his problems with his friend. You will be doing him a favor by letting him learn how to resolve conflicts on his own and without parently interference.
Your son left his phone on the curb.
It got damaged somehow by someone. No one knows who or when.
Its the friend's fault somehow?
You are inserting yourself in your son's problem and placing the blame for the whole phone mess on someone else?
Your son lost his phone. Its his responsibility, no one else's. What difference does it make how the phone got busted since the root cause is your son's leaving it on the street? Your son's friendship problems are yours because???
Step away and let your son work out his problems with his friend. You will be doing him a favor by letting him learn how to resolve conflicts on his own and without parently interference.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Barbara52, you are right my son lost his phone and none of this would have happened if he wouldnt have left it on the curb. It was his responsibility and I blame my son 100% and I told my son that, and I told my sons friends mom that.
I guess I feel and my son feels best friend for 7 to 8 years it would have been nice for him to pick it up and put it up for him. They are 16 and 15, so they are not babies.
As a month earlier my son did the same thing for his friend.
I am stepping away from this and I am going to let them figure things out, but I want so badly for them to work things out and I hope they do as they have grown up together and have hung out everyday for practically the last 7 to 8 years.
I guess I feel and my son feels best friend for 7 to 8 years it would have been nice for him to pick it up and put it up for him. They are 16 and 15, so they are not babies.
As a month earlier my son did the same thing for his friend.
I am stepping away from this and I am going to let them figure things out, but I want so badly for them to work things out and I hope they do as they have grown up together and have hung out everyday for practically the last 7 to 8 years.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Um? Your teenage son's fight with his best friend is distressing you to the point that you need to post about it on a message board?
When I was sixteen, or fifteen, my best friend and I probably stopped speaking and returned each others stuff monthy. 17 years later, we are still friends. And there are people who I am no longer friends with as well, for good reasons that my parents know nothing about. Because, frankly, it wasn't their business.
But since you are posting, asking for advice, I will ignore all of that. How are things going with you? Summer starts today! Any plans that you are excited about? Working on a garden? Looking forward to swimming a lot or playing tennis?
Best to you.
When I was sixteen, or fifteen, my best friend and I probably stopped speaking and returned each others stuff monthy. 17 years later, we are still friends. And there are people who I am no longer friends with as well, for good reasons that my parents know nothing about. Because, frankly, it wasn't their business.
But since you are posting, asking for advice, I will ignore all of that. How are things going with you? Summer starts today! Any plans that you are excited about? Working on a garden? Looking forward to swimming a lot or playing tennis?
Best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Yes, good luck I suppose that is evident.
I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, that this may help me and the good thing it did do was help me recognize what my very first sentence of this post was.
Sometimes it helps just to be able to write things out for me and I chose here to do it as I know that my personality is to fix everything as I know that I am a co-dependent and want to make things better, which I am recognizing and working on.
I admit I have serious issues within myself that I need to work on and that is why I chose a alanon site to help me through some of this, I will always be a work in progress.
Things with me have been pretty good, yesterday we won our softball game
the first game in 7 games.
I enjoyed the dinner that my husband made me, wish my daughter would have put it away since I have two goldens that like to counter surf and decided to make the rest of the turkey there early evening snack.
I was able to sit on the swing after work for awhile and watch the dogs play and soak up some sun before my game.
I was able to walk around my yard and admire my flowers and see how much my vegetable garden is growing.
I was able to get a new phone for my son, as a coworker had two old phones and dont belong to the same company anymore and gave them to me, so I activated a new phone for my son.
I am excited for Friday and look forward to my weekend off, going to take my son to his baseball pictures tonight, then take the girls and him to his baseball game tomorrow at 3 while the girls play at the park. I am looking forward to a party that I am going to tomorrow night at the neighbors house, and Sunday I am taking my furbabies to the lake if weather permitting for a romp in the lake and exercise for both of us
I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, that this may help me and the good thing it did do was help me recognize what my very first sentence of this post was.
Sometimes it helps just to be able to write things out for me and I chose here to do it as I know that my personality is to fix everything as I know that I am a co-dependent and want to make things better, which I am recognizing and working on.
I admit I have serious issues within myself that I need to work on and that is why I chose a alanon site to help me through some of this, I will always be a work in progress.
Things with me have been pretty good, yesterday we won our softball game
the first game in 7 games.I enjoyed the dinner that my husband made me, wish my daughter would have put it away since I have two goldens that like to counter surf and decided to make the rest of the turkey there early evening snack.
I was able to sit on the swing after work for awhile and watch the dogs play and soak up some sun before my game.
I was able to walk around my yard and admire my flowers and see how much my vegetable garden is growing.
I was able to get a new phone for my son, as a coworker had two old phones and dont belong to the same company anymore and gave them to me, so I activated a new phone for my son.
I am excited for Friday and look forward to my weekend off, going to take my son to his baseball pictures tonight, then take the girls and him to his baseball game tomorrow at 3 while the girls play at the park. I am looking forward to a party that I am going to tomorrow night at the neighbors house, and Sunday I am taking my furbabies to the lake if weather permitting for a romp in the lake and exercise for both of us
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well.....I'm glad you posted. And boy did I recognize my "former" self in your behavior!
I would have become involved, triangulated, and sided with my son 100%......but that was then and this is now.
As others have pointed out, the crux of the problem was that your son left the phone on the curb. If my son had done the same thing, he would have given me half truths and flat out lied about what happened in order to divert the blame away from him--which is where it should have stayed. And being the codie that I was (and I stuggle with that daily), I would have believed him and taken up his cause!
I got in the middle of so many of his relationships (including his relationship with my husband and his sister!) 20/20 hindsight is powerful vision.
Any time you accept and handle a problem that belongs to your son, you tell him by your actions that he is incapable of dealing with them himself. You insult his intelligence and cripple him. I know this because I did it.......and continued to do it well into my son's 20's.
Step away. Allow him to know that he IS capable and intelligent and able to solve his own problems. I sooooooooo wish that I had the resource (and knowledge) that you have and that I reached out for help. I didn't KNOW I was co-dependent. I didn't KNOW that I was doing anything wrong (even though others tried to tell me). I kept doing it......over and over and over again to my son's detriment.
It's hard to be a mom. It's hard to let our son's make mistakes. It's hard to watch them hurt. And it's hard to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It's much much easier (or at least it was for me...or so I thought) to just deal with it for them.
gentle hugs from one Mom to another
I would have become involved, triangulated, and sided with my son 100%......but that was then and this is now.
As others have pointed out, the crux of the problem was that your son left the phone on the curb. If my son had done the same thing, he would have given me half truths and flat out lied about what happened in order to divert the blame away from him--which is where it should have stayed. And being the codie that I was (and I stuggle with that daily), I would have believed him and taken up his cause!
I got in the middle of so many of his relationships (including his relationship with my husband and his sister!) 20/20 hindsight is powerful vision.
Any time you accept and handle a problem that belongs to your son, you tell him by your actions that he is incapable of dealing with them himself. You insult his intelligence and cripple him. I know this because I did it.......and continued to do it well into my son's 20's.
Step away. Allow him to know that he IS capable and intelligent and able to solve his own problems. I sooooooooo wish that I had the resource (and knowledge) that you have and that I reached out for help. I didn't KNOW I was co-dependent. I didn't KNOW that I was doing anything wrong (even though others tried to tell me). I kept doing it......over and over and over again to my son's detriment.
It's hard to be a mom. It's hard to let our son's make mistakes. It's hard to watch them hurt. And it's hard to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It's much much easier (or at least it was for me...or so I thought) to just deal with it for them.
gentle hugs from one Mom to another
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Cassey 
I feel the phone for my son is more for me than him.
If your son is like any other teenager out there, the phone is used 98% for friends and 2% for family. Sometimes we have to suffer a little bit too in order for our children to learn.
If I knew then what I know now and my son lost his phone, he would be phoneless until he could pay for it.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Trust me that in his mind that phone is for his friends and not for you. It's his responsibility to get in touch with you or be where he is suppose to be, kwim? Instead of having the phone to be sure you know where he is, set a boundary and a consequence that HE call you to let you know what he's doing and if he doesn't then he loses the priveledge of going X place. Hope that makes sense. Just an idea for you!
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
I was divorced when my children where young. As result, some of the places we lived were not the greatest. Drive-bys ect. So, I do understand what your saying. It's a great comfort to be able to reach your children when you feel unease. But, believe me it's also a comfort to know that you have raised them to be responsible and to take care of themselves.
It's ok we all make mistakes. Kids don't come with an instruction manuel. We just wish they did. LOL!
HUGS!!!
It's ok we all make mistakes. Kids don't come with an instruction manuel. We just wish they did. LOL!
HUGS!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Update on the cell phone.
My son's best friends mom knows the truth, apologized to me for being angry with my son, and offered to buy my son a new phone.
I accepted her apology and declined the offer as I already replace it with a phone someone gave to me for free at work.
My son is still upset, with his bestfriend for breaking his phone, the mom apologized to me but not to my son, and his bestfriend has not came over or called either. I think that my son really wants him to come over and apologize so he can hang out and move on, but my son wont call him first, he says atleast he can apologize to me.
My son's best friends mom knows the truth, apologized to me for being angry with my son, and offered to buy my son a new phone.
I accepted her apology and declined the offer as I already replace it with a phone someone gave to me for free at work.
My son is still upset, with his bestfriend for breaking his phone, the mom apologized to me but not to my son, and his bestfriend has not came over or called either. I think that my son really wants him to come over and apologize so he can hang out and move on, but my son wont call him first, he says atleast he can apologize to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
Let them be. They'll work it out. Be glad you have a boy. Teenage girls are worse. LOL! I thought I would strangle my girl before she was raised. My son was far easier. They will figure it out or they won't. My daughter has friends from the 3rd grade. She's 26 now. Some stayed and some didn't.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
I know. My oldest is 26 and she made some decisons in her life that left me with my mouth hanging open, going wth? It's hard for me too. Cuz f they would just listen to me then don't they know their life would be perfect. LOL!!
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