And this affects me how?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
And this affects me how?
It’s been awhile but here we go. My NAW went “missing” yesterday for about 12 hours. Of course her mother franticly called her every hour on the hour telling her to come home, but she never called her back. Instead my NAW decided to call me at 1am this morning.
NAW: Hi honey, I have something to tell you, (long dramatic pause) I relapsed. I met a friend on the Island and we got to talking about sobriety, then we went out and got some crack; I took a hit and I freaked out! I left and drove around for a few hours.
ME: Oh, and this affects me how?
NAW : Well I don’t want you to be disappointed in me, and mad at me. So I thought I’d tell you that I made a mistake.
ME: Oh I see, well it’s not me that you have to worry about; I could care less if you relapsed, it’s not me working the program, you are. You’re the one who has to deal with your relapse; not me. Sorry to hear about it, wish you lots of luck. (CLICK)
Around 3am she called again, and left a very long message on my voice mail, explaining that its hard to live with her mother, and how her mother is so demanding and childlike blah blah blah. Basically blaming her mother for her choices rather than taking the credit for herself; this afternoon I got the suicide threat, and called her PsyDoc and gave her my NAW’s cell number. The drama, the pain, the stomach cramps, tension in the jaw, all came back today with a vengeance; for about 20 minutes. I went to class, then went to work, ate lunch with some friends who were very happy to see me again. I’ve decided this won’t affect me at all. When I relapsed it didn’t bother my family, they just said to me “So sorry, oh well. Hope you work the program, call us when you figure it out, until then, we love you and goodbye” My family and I have a great relationship now. I hope my NAW finally lives a sober life. I just don’t think its going to be with me and our kids though. We’ve been through enough.
BTW anyone have any suggestions on help with daycare cost? Especially if anyone lives in Texas (Gulf Coast); because of the debt her addiction has put us in, I can barely afford the $925 a month for daycare. I’m about $500 behind right now.
God bless you all, and I hope everyone is doing alright. Each and every one of you is in my sweetest prayers everyday. We can get through this.
NAW: Hi honey, I have something to tell you, (long dramatic pause) I relapsed. I met a friend on the Island and we got to talking about sobriety, then we went out and got some crack; I took a hit and I freaked out! I left and drove around for a few hours.
ME: Oh, and this affects me how?
NAW : Well I don’t want you to be disappointed in me, and mad at me. So I thought I’d tell you that I made a mistake.
ME: Oh I see, well it’s not me that you have to worry about; I could care less if you relapsed, it’s not me working the program, you are. You’re the one who has to deal with your relapse; not me. Sorry to hear about it, wish you lots of luck. (CLICK)
Around 3am she called again, and left a very long message on my voice mail, explaining that its hard to live with her mother, and how her mother is so demanding and childlike blah blah blah. Basically blaming her mother for her choices rather than taking the credit for herself; this afternoon I got the suicide threat, and called her PsyDoc and gave her my NAW’s cell number. The drama, the pain, the stomach cramps, tension in the jaw, all came back today with a vengeance; for about 20 minutes. I went to class, then went to work, ate lunch with some friends who were very happy to see me again. I’ve decided this won’t affect me at all. When I relapsed it didn’t bother my family, they just said to me “So sorry, oh well. Hope you work the program, call us when you figure it out, until then, we love you and goodbye” My family and I have a great relationship now. I hope my NAW finally lives a sober life. I just don’t think its going to be with me and our kids though. We’ve been through enough.
BTW anyone have any suggestions on help with daycare cost? Especially if anyone lives in Texas (Gulf Coast); because of the debt her addiction has put us in, I can barely afford the $925 a month for daycare. I’m about $500 behind right now.
God bless you all, and I hope everyone is doing alright. Each and every one of you is in my sweetest prayers everyday. We can get through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Sorry your having such a hard time with your wife but it sounds like your head is in the right place. Your right about the relapses. I like your thinking on that. It's their relapse, not yours!! I told my son last week that I didn't want to see him till he's back in recovery and doing well. As far as daycare goes, I'd talk to the daycare people and bite the bullet and be honest. It can't help with letting them know whats going on in your life. I'd bet most women would bend over backwards for a dad thats taking responsibilty for their children. Good luck and smiles, Bonnie
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm sorry you're going through this but kudos to you for standing your ground. I don't have any info regarding daycare, I live up north! I hope everything works out for you the way you want it to and deserve.
hugs and prayers
hugs and prayers
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
sounds like healthy detachment. hopefully she will find her way.
As far as the daycare - not sure how old your children are - but sometimes you can find different church programs that are a little less expensive or home sitters (teenagers 16, 17 yr olds) that you trust to watch your children in your home.
It may be too late in the yr to do it this time - but next yr if your job has the opportunity to allow Flexible Benefit Plans - You can have your day care expenses withheld from your paycheck pre-taxed and it will lower your taxable income. It is usually offered during Open Enrollment for insurance, retirement, etc. - you can check with your HR Dept to see if they offer it.
Wishing you and your family Serenity & Joy,
Rita
As far as the daycare - not sure how old your children are - but sometimes you can find different church programs that are a little less expensive or home sitters (teenagers 16, 17 yr olds) that you trust to watch your children in your home.
It may be too late in the yr to do it this time - but next yr if your job has the opportunity to allow Flexible Benefit Plans - You can have your day care expenses withheld from your paycheck pre-taxed and it will lower your taxable income. It is usually offered during Open Enrollment for insurance, retirement, etc. - you can check with your HR Dept to see if they offer it.
Wishing you and your family Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Way to be pro-yourself, Mistercm! If we don't take care of ourselves first, we aren't good to anybody, and those kiddos need their dad now. I think you did an awesome job, and your little 20 minute panic attack is perfectly understandable. Very cool that you were able to jolt yourself out of it and get busy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
Update:
Ok so I took the time to talk with my NAW again last night. She jumped right in.
NAW: “Ok first let met just say, it was me who chose to use, not anyone else. I fell off the wagon, and now I’m picking myself up, dusting off and getting back on it. I need to work on myself and my program. So you can do what you have to do, I will do what I need to. HOPEFULLY we will meet again in the end of all this crap. Sorry I put you and the kids through so much hell; I hope you can find it in your heart and life to forgive me; you need to stay away from me while I work my problems out, and I will stay away from you while you’re working yours. How do you feel about that? “
ME: uh….. wow… ok. I feel fine about that…
And that was it; her sponsor (whom is old school in the 12 step ways) called me and told me to hang in there; talk to my higher power, and give it some time. So, that’s all I really have with my NAW, is time. My DMIL (Demon Mother In Law) called me today and told me how she feels that it is my fault that her daughter is a crack addict; and that if I had two jobs, better car(s), and better clothes for her daughter and her grandchildren, my wife wouldn’t want for nothing, she wouldn’t’ be smoking crack to get away from her depression. I didn’t respond. My MIL is a very sick individual; she even tried to guilt and manipulate me into paying for her house payment today even after she basically said that I was a bad husband and father.
My NAW disagrees with her and so do my children. Before my NAW got off the phone with me she said that I was a good father, and a great friend and a wonderful husband. I hope she does well.
NAW: “Ok first let met just say, it was me who chose to use, not anyone else. I fell off the wagon, and now I’m picking myself up, dusting off and getting back on it. I need to work on myself and my program. So you can do what you have to do, I will do what I need to. HOPEFULLY we will meet again in the end of all this crap. Sorry I put you and the kids through so much hell; I hope you can find it in your heart and life to forgive me; you need to stay away from me while I work my problems out, and I will stay away from you while you’re working yours. How do you feel about that? “
ME: uh….. wow… ok. I feel fine about that…
And that was it; her sponsor (whom is old school in the 12 step ways) called me and told me to hang in there; talk to my higher power, and give it some time. So, that’s all I really have with my NAW, is time. My DMIL (Demon Mother In Law) called me today and told me how she feels that it is my fault that her daughter is a crack addict; and that if I had two jobs, better car(s), and better clothes for her daughter and her grandchildren, my wife wouldn’t want for nothing, she wouldn’t’ be smoking crack to get away from her depression. I didn’t respond. My MIL is a very sick individual; she even tried to guilt and manipulate me into paying for her house payment today even after she basically said that I was a bad husband and father.
My NAW disagrees with her and so do my children. Before my NAW got off the phone with me she said that I was a good father, and a great friend and a wonderful husband. I hope she does well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
My brother now has the "IF" poem on the wall of his home. It's a poem that we were brought up on!
It's so powerful!
WOW..... sorry about you MIL....... laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
And what a powerful convo with your NAW! Right on!!!!!!
It's so powerful!
WOW..... sorry about you MIL....... laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
And what a powerful convo with your NAW! Right on!!!!!!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
wow what a witch of a MIL. Good thing you don't listen to a word she says.
You are a great father and husband and I've only read a few of your post!!
Keep up your good work, you'll be on top of the world in no time.
You are a great father and husband and I've only read a few of your post!!
Keep up your good work, you'll be on top of the world in no time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
wow...good thing neither you, your NAW or kids listen to the demon!!!
Sounds like your NAW has the "recovery bug"....nothing like a little recovery to screw up getting high!
To me, it looks like you BOTH are doing what's best for yourselves and the kids...way to go!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sounds like your NAW has the "recovery bug"....nothing like a little recovery to screw up getting high!
To me, it looks like you BOTH are doing what's best for yourselves and the kids...way to go!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think "demon mother in law" offends all the demons out there. I'd go right for "Satan" if I were you.
Can you look into state/county assistance? It's called CCAP here.
I read your posts and I am really inspired by your posts. I have little to add except for KUDOS!
Can you look into state/county assistance? It's called CCAP here.
I read your posts and I am really inspired by your posts. I have little to add except for KUDOS!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
I'm in NY, but here each county offers child care subsidy based on income. Just contact your local social services office. Even if you don't qualify for a child care grant (as they are called here) they should be able to help you find more affordable child care. Also, sometimes group family daycare (licensed daycare in someones home) may be more affordable then care in a center setting. The county should be able to give you listings of a few different options. Or try looking on craigslist, they often have in home childcare listings which are less expensive than center based programs. Hope that helps! Good luck and it sounds as if you are doing the right things for you and your kids. Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
Update: Today I found out my MIL is stealing mine & NAW's precription drugs. My NAW filled a bottle of methadose two days ago, and had decided not to use them, she gave them to me. My MIL came over to my house and asked for them, saying that my NAW was in severe pain, and needed the pills right away. Thinking it was nothing, I gave my MIL the bottle. But something was nagging me, so I called my NAW and told her that I hope she goes to the doc to get a better idea on how to solve her pain problems; and I hope she doesn't over do it on the methadose. My NAW asked me why I was so concern; and that she dosen't want the methadose, I told her that her mom came by and said that you (my NAW) needed them. She freaked out, and scolded me for not flushing them down the toilet, and giving them to her mom. When her mom came home, my NAW asked for the bottle and her mother told her that I refused to give them to her. This past week my MIL has missed work, been sleeping all day, and is kinda looped out. my NAW found the bottle, empty. This is a shock to both of us. I had some suspicions, about two years ago I hurt my back very bad, my doc gave my hydrocodone, but I didn't want to take it, I insisted that that doc didn't write the script, but he did anyways; so I thought I'd just fill the relaxer and not they hydrocodone; my MIL came to the house (My NAW was on a bindge at the time so she was nowhere to be found) to help out with the kids and help me out, she got my scripts and gave me my muscle relaxer, I asked the hydrocodone script, she told me she must have missplaced it, and I freaked out about that! I called the doc and told him I lost the script that I didn't want him to fill anyways, and he said, when the pharmacy calls he will invalid the script. About two weeks later, I'm helping my MIL take groceries out of the car, and I noticed a bottle, with my name on it, for hydrocodone, I asked her about it and she blamed my NAW for it. So, I blamed my NAW for it. Now I feel bad about blaming her for something she probably never did. AND now I'm wondering about all the times my NAW was out of her pain meds all of the sudden, and we argued about how much she takes in a day, and she continued to deny that she taken more than her daily dose. I kept on saying to her "Pills just don't dissapear into thin air!" well, aparently they do when my MIL is around.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
I want to say wow cause thats how I initally felt but then again given her attitude its really not a shocker. Is their a safer place for your wife to stay instead of her moms, maybe a rehab? To me this could be toxic to your wife getting herself together.
As for you limit or end contact with her... she isnt healthy, she's using drugs as well and is a very negative person to have in your life.
hugs and prayers to your family,
Jewelz
As for you limit or end contact with her... she isnt healthy, she's using drugs as well and is a very negative person to have in your life.
hugs and prayers to your family,
Jewelz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
My NAW is going to try and find a relative to live with until she can get her room back at the outpatient facility, my NAW found a job, and is trying to work the program. We met at a NA meeting the other night, and she asked me to buy her another BBB (Big Blue Book), she showed me hers and it was very used and well read. We're still holding back on moving in with each other, we feel its not the right time now. As for her mother, well my MIL lost her job today, and of course is blaming me, her daughter, her old job, and everyone else for her problems. My NAW and I are trying to maintain some distance from the destruction her mother is causing in her life; we have our own problems and lives to work and deal with. My MIL got really po'd today when I refused to give her money to pay for her electric bill, she wanted cash not a check or mo. My NAW knew that kind of behaviour, and we both gave her a hug, told her we loved her, and that she needs to find help with her problems. Well that caused drama but, we managed not to accept the drama.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, sounds like your MIL needs a program of her own.
However, it sounds like you and your NAW are both doing well on your own recoveries.
I have to laugh, though....your MIL is not going to be able to manipulate you OR your NAW...as you have both "been there, done that"....what goes around, comes around, right?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
However, it sounds like you and your NAW are both doing well on your own recoveries.
I have to laugh, though....your MIL is not going to be able to manipulate you OR your NAW...as you have both "been there, done that"....what goes around, comes around, right?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya mistercm-
I don't have any specific info about TX daycare help but just keep putting it out there - there are so many community service groups and other church groups (doesn't mean you have to belong or anything) that might sponsor your kids. I know my son's high school class "adopted" a local family last year and helped with food donation, child care, Christmas, clothing, whatever they needed. We were referred by a local social cervices agency....did you try the local United Way?
I remember years ago when my marriage ended and I was just at rock bottom w/ my 2 boys I just finally had to accept all the help I could get - I had to keep ASKING and ACCEPTING! (for me accepting help was hardest! typical codie)
Your response to her relapse was very wise and very clear, it took a lot of strength - you're doing so good!
Prayers & peace,
B.
I don't have any specific info about TX daycare help but just keep putting it out there - there are so many community service groups and other church groups (doesn't mean you have to belong or anything) that might sponsor your kids. I know my son's high school class "adopted" a local family last year and helped with food donation, child care, Christmas, clothing, whatever they needed. We were referred by a local social cervices agency....did you try the local United Way?
I remember years ago when my marriage ended and I was just at rock bottom w/ my 2 boys I just finally had to accept all the help I could get - I had to keep ASKING and ACCEPTING! (for me accepting help was hardest! typical codie)
Your response to her relapse was very wise and very clear, it took a lot of strength - you're doing so good!
Prayers & peace,
B.
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