jbhall

Hi there, I am new here. About 14 hours sober. I recently decided that I have a problem with alcohol. I mentioned to my husband about 2 weeks ago that I "wonder if I have a problem with alcohol.." knowing full well that I do. He shrugged it off and said "no way, you're fine". I know I'm not. I know he's just uncomfortable with the idea, so he pretends not to notice. Anyone else go through this? Any advice?

Oddman

wife never drinks. Once or twice a year. She thinks if you want to stop drinking then stop drinking. Will power. I hide my drinking from her from what I just found of very succesfully. Her grandma stopped drinking on her own. Drinks odouls now and again. Her dad smoked pot his entire life. Just recently stopped. Hasn't smoked in 3 months now. She has seen people over come their addictions on their own. She feels like aa is something for the weak. My dad goes to meetings every single day. Sober 25 years. She doesn't want me gone that much. Told her I wouldn't. This seems like rambling. I'll stop now. I'm not gonna drink today. Think I'll go for a run.

ROFL

YOU know and that is important. I know I have a problem. I told MY husband and he disagreed. It has been REALLY hard trying to get sober being married to a man that doesn't want to see that a problem exists. He, of course, is an alcoholic as well.

I'm SO GLAD you see for yourself that there is a problem and that you're looking for a solution. I hope you get his support because - though you can do it yourself - it will be SO MUCH easier with his support. And if you don't get his support, we'll be here for you. Welcome to SR.

jbhall

oddman, how was her reaction? Did SHE find out, or did you tell her? I think my husband will continue to make excuses for me.

jbhall

Thanks! ROFL, it's hard. He's not an alcoholic. He quit smoking pot on his own, gets crabby from it sometimes, but doesn't understand what the big deal is. I have a drink, he thinks nothing of it. He doesn't know the whole time I have to "slow pace" myself so I don't make it too obvious that I'm not casually drinking. It's constantly running through my mind. " Look at everyone else, just do what they do, how is it so easy for them not to slam them down? How come it's so easy for them to only have one, or none!?"

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

My husband confronted me and there was no denying it on my part and no denying how angry and disappoined he was.

I understand that your husband might fear you will change. And, you very likely will change. I know I am not the same person I was.

I hope you take care of yourself.

ROFL

I find that the only people who understand how HARD it is to quit, slow down, not drink, drink like a normie...are other alcholics who are also trying to do the same. It is NOT EASY for us. It's damm hard! And you feel shame and don't want to admit it to anyone which makes it even more difficult. Sweep it under the rug, it'll go away! But no, it doesn't. I would encourage you to talk to your husband - have him come here to read or go to an alanon meeting, or find away to help him understand. But if he won't and doesn't, please keep trying for yourself. It is good he's not an alcoholic, but I hope he can keep the alcohol out of the house for your sake.

jbhall

Thanks, I believe he would keep alcohol out of the house for my sake, the problem: I can VERY EASILY convince him that I'm ok, and we should get a case of beer, to celebrate..... whatever... and that I changed my mind, I don't have a problem. I have not told ANYONE else, not my mom, best friend, twin sister who I tell EVERYTHING to! It's so scary, and as long as it's still my "secret", I can get away with still drinking... But once people know and take it seriously, then they'll work to keep the alcohol away from me, and my excuses, lies, and manipulation won't work anymore. It's so scary admitting these things even to myself.

Anna

It is scary to admit it to yourself.

But, remember, this is about you and taking care of yourself. In the end, your sister and best friend can support you, but it's you who has to do the hard work.

jbhall

Thanks for the supportive comments! I am, as any other liars out there can imagine, so scared I will lose all of their trust in me. Especially my mother, who is SO judgemental. I am afraid she will roll her eyes and cast me off as a "loser", and she may, it's just scary to think of it coming to that. My husband loves me so much I don't believe he would turn his back on me, same with my sister, but my MOM!! Ug.. that's another story.

ROFL

It took me a long while to tell anyone. I still keep it a secret for the most part - only telling a few people. You're right, though. When you don't tell anyone, you can get away with it. When you convince your husband that you're alright, he will be relieved and allow you to continue. At lease make sure he understands. Try to make him know that you're NOT OK. It will be so much easier for you to quit. Do you have any children?

jbhall

I have a baby about to turn 1. We are "trying" to get pregnant again, and although I really want a second child, part of me can't wait, so I have a reason to quit drinking. I didn't drink when I was pregnant before, not even one. I keep thinking, "just hurry up and get pregnant, and during those nine months, you can come up with a game plan to STAY not drinking" I started drinking after he was born because I didn't know I had a problem yet, and I was bored alot. Now, I sometimes get annoyed when my girlfriends come over after he is sleeping, because I don't want them to wonder why I'm drinking for no reason, but LOVE when our guy friends come over for poker, because I know it's an alcohol free-for-all.

jbhall

Wouldn't life be so great if we could all just have one, once in awhile, and not feel the need or desire to get drunk! I wish I was normal. I believe I'll never be able to be a social drinker after this, and that makes me sad.

JohnPainter

"not knowing" and "not wanting to change the status quo" are two completely different things.
if you want to stop drinking, that's a decision only you can make. and only you can follow through with the actions necessary to stop drinking and stay stopped.
you could recommend al-anon to your loved one, if you want.
your own recovery will really begin when you start to admit and talk frankly about your own problems with people who are actually qualified to help you. they could be people who have recovered from the illness themselves (by 'recovered' I mean people who live contented, productive lives, free of alcohol). or, you might try counseling to get at your underlying conditions (in other words: getting down to the reasons WHY you drink). you might try your local AA and/or a good therapist who will help you look at the hard truths about yourself. once you discover and correct the REASONS WHY you drank, you won't want to drink anymore. most people don't want to delve that deeply into their pain, though, which is why most people don't stop drinking until the pain of their drinking outweighs the pain of looking deeply into themselves. I am speaking from my own experience as a recovered alcoholic.

buttercup1

Jb,
i can relate to sooo much of what you have said. My husband is the ONLY one that knows about my drinking and I can't imagine anyone in my family finding out, I would be humiliated. The only difference is, when I asked my husband if he thought I had a problem with alcohol he straight up said "yes, I think you are an alcoholic". What a slap in the face that was! I guess I needed his honesty, but damn to have the person I love more than anything feel that way about me really hurt. He drinks also, but is a very controlled drinker and can take it or leave it. I think sometimes he drinks just so I won't be drinking alone. I miss when I used to be able to drink for fun and not have the thought of alcohol consume my every thought. I WANT to be the social drinker and hate people who can go weeks without one and not blink an eye.
my Mother is also very judgmental and it would kill me to disappoint her. She grew up with an alcoholic father and then married one (my father) so she despises alcohol and never drinks.
It sucks but being sober is something I am looking forward to. I slipped up last night but an back on track today and will not drink today. I've been in the same prison as you for a long time and it is time to break free. WE CAN DO THIS! Hugs to you.

ROFL

(((buttercup1))) nice message!

JB - buttercup is right, we can break out of this prison. Facing the fact you need to is the first step.

Those babies (your one year old and the one you're planning to have) will be SO much better off having a sober mom. When you do get pregnant again, still try to work some sort of program so you don't go back to drinking after the baby is born.

I'm glad you found SR!

Krys_wyo

i felt like that once too, wished i was "normal" and could have a few and call it good, but the fact is i cant, i cant be a social drinker i cant drink period ever again, once i swallowed that and accepted it, it made each day easier.
i have 2 yrs now and believe me it gets much easier and that fact that i cant drink and some people can doesnt even bother me anymore.

JohnPainter

If you honestly believe that someone else who is just as sick as you, or who just stopped using or drinking a few days, or weeks, or months ago can provide you with a sufficient understanding of the problem to be able to manage on your own--then you are as delusional as could possibly be. I know. I've been there. Get help from someone qualified to give it. Obviously, someone can not give what they don't have.

JohnPainter

One other thing: I don't want my accomplishment in this life to be that I died sober. What kind of a life would I have if that's all that could be said. I want to be remembered for the WAY I lived, not the fact that I stopped drinking in order to save my own skin. Just stopping drinking is NEVER enough for a person with a real problem. Try to be open to seeing the underlying conditions of your dependent behaviors. Face yourself honestly with someone who can help you do it. A broken machine can't fix itself, and someone who has fallen to addiction and alcoholism is about as broken as they come. The good news is that there is hope. But it only comes if you're willing to face and admit the truth.

Emily2002

I convinced my husband I could have "one" the other night after going 30 days sober. He handed me the martini and, luckily, I had second thoughts and didn't blow it THANK GOD and this very forum!!!! (6/17 post for details)

My husband also told me when we first spoke that he'd support me with my decision to stop drinking even though he really didn't think I was an alcoholic. It's been tough, though. He stills drinks every night and there's always vodka, beer, wine, etc. in the house.

When I told my dad and siblings, their reactions were mixed. At first my dad told me I was overreacting. The more we talked though over time, the more he understood my thinking. My mom had a problem, and he was much like my husband is now...

Telling me kids was the hardest... and holds me most accountable... Both a curse AND a blessing. They're thrilled when I'm succeeding, but their disappointment is so evident when I fail.

At this point in my life there really aren't many other options, though. If I keep up what I've been doing for the past 26 years, I'll lose it all. The husband, the kids, my life.

Keep reading jb, keep posting. Keep trying. We're all here for you!