Please someone tell me what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
Please someone tell me what to do
I'm getting married soon and all I want is my mom to be here for me to celebrate and participate in everything with me.
She's been an addict my whole life so she's never been there. I've always just been used to it - but I think right now because of the wedding it's really hurting me more than I ever thought it would.
I have to go find a wedding dress and I have been putting it off because the thought of going to find a dress all alone without my mom there kills me.
I want her to be there so bad that it hurts. I just want someone to tell me what to do to make the pain stop. I just need to know what to do so that I don't care anymore. I just need someone to tell me...
She's been an addict my whole life so she's never been there. I've always just been used to it - but I think right now because of the wedding it's really hurting me more than I ever thought it would.
I have to go find a wedding dress and I have been putting it off because the thought of going to find a dress all alone without my mom there kills me.
I want her to be there so bad that it hurts. I just want someone to tell me what to do to make the pain stop. I just need to know what to do so that I don't care anymore. I just need someone to tell me...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
awww, sweetie. I don't know how to make the pain stop. I think it's just something we have to walk through. My mom died 17 years ago, so it's not the same thing, but I still have times when it hurts really bad that she's not here. Please try not to let this overwhelm what should be a really happy time for you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I think that if you have some sort of relationship with her, you should give her a call and at least invite her to go shopping with you but probably make it conditional that she not be high because it's a special day and you don't want it ruined. Another alternative is to think about if there is a "mother-figure" in your life, a grandmother, aunt, next door neighbor or best-friend's mother that maybe replaced your mom when she was emotionally absent and ask her.
Or take some girlfriends or your future MIL or Sister in law (if any).
I'd ask mom first but if you get a bad feeling - allow yourself the loop-hole to bail so what's supposed to be an exciting day of shopping doesn't deteriorate into a nightmare.
Congratulations by the way!
Or take some girlfriends or your future MIL or Sister in law (if any).
I'd ask mom first but if you get a bad feeling - allow yourself the loop-hole to bail so what's supposed to be an exciting day of shopping doesn't deteriorate into a nightmare.
Congratulations by the way!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Kimm,
We often set ourselves up for disappointment with hopes and dreams of how life "should" be. I agree with putting a day and time out there for Mom to show up and be a part of this wonderful moment, with the full acceptance in YOUR heart that she may or may not show but it will not have an effect on your happiness. You could even ask the assistance of a relative closer to her age (if you have one) to go pick her up and bring her to the dress shop at a certain time to meet you.
Meanwhile, invite some people, girlfriends, relatives who would be honored and thrilled, and make a festive party of it for yourself and the guests.
Being a loved one of an addict means often having to give up expectations we set up that only hurt us in the end. Don't do this to yourself, sweetie. Big hugs and bigger congratulations on this joyous time in your life
We often set ourselves up for disappointment with hopes and dreams of how life "should" be. I agree with putting a day and time out there for Mom to show up and be a part of this wonderful moment, with the full acceptance in YOUR heart that she may or may not show but it will not have an effect on your happiness. You could even ask the assistance of a relative closer to her age (if you have one) to go pick her up and bring her to the dress shop at a certain time to meet you.
Meanwhile, invite some people, girlfriends, relatives who would be honored and thrilled, and make a festive party of it for yourself and the guests.
Being a loved one of an addict means often having to give up expectations we set up that only hurt us in the end. Don't do this to yourself, sweetie. Big hugs and bigger congratulations on this joyous time in your life
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Kimm,
If your mother is not willing to go, then how close are to your mother-in-law to be. As your MIL to go and the friends. I am sure that everyone that cares for you will do what you need to feel that special feeling you have getting ready for your special day.
Do not let anyone take that way from you.
If your mother is not willing to go, then how close are to your mother-in-law to be. As your MIL to go and the friends. I am sure that everyone that cares for you will do what you need to feel that special feeling you have getting ready for your special day.
Do not let anyone take that way from you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Situations like this bring up all the "stuff" from the past.
Practice detachment again and again from your mom. When we argue w/ reality
we set ourselves up for sadness.
Stay focused- to the extent you're capable- on the here + now and the wonderful life
and husband you're accepting.
See all the love others have for you and let that be center and continue to grow.
See a therapist if you need to who can help you process your feelings.
Take someone with you to shop for the perfect dress who can support you and also has a good fashion sense. Make a fun day out of it.
Your mom is who she is but that does not define who you are.
Relax and take in all the good stuff in your life.
My mom is not an addict, but I have come to accept her limitations just as hopefully my own son will learn to accept mine.
Practice detachment again and again from your mom. When we argue w/ reality
we set ourselves up for sadness.
Stay focused- to the extent you're capable- on the here + now and the wonderful life
and husband you're accepting.
See all the love others have for you and let that be center and continue to grow.
See a therapist if you need to who can help you process your feelings.
Take someone with you to shop for the perfect dress who can support you and also has a good fashion sense. Make a fun day out of it.
Your mom is who she is but that does not define who you are.
Relax and take in all the good stuff in your life.
My mom is not an addict, but I have come to accept her limitations just as hopefully my own son will learn to accept mine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
Thanks so much for these replies.
I'm feeling a little better today.
It's weird. I had really thought I'd learned to accept who/what she is with no more expectations. I was doing so well until all of this wedding stuff started happening.
I guess it's still a work in progress....
I'm feeling a little better today.
It's weird. I had really thought I'd learned to accept who/what she is with no more expectations. I was doing so well until all of this wedding stuff started happening.
I guess it's still a work in progress....
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