katiedid79

Hi, all havnet been round much been going to group , councling and ex abf supposed to be going to NA. Yes I said ex I broke up with him this morning. I cant take his crap anymore. I keep getting accused of being controling so I told him fine then I want to brake up becuase if where broke up then I dont have to worry about him anymore and there is no reason for me to be controling blah blah blah. Although we are still going to live in the same house. How insane does that sound. I just cant take his lying anymore. I guess the bottem for me was friday. He called siad he was going to NA , siad he was getting ready to walk in the door. Great. Well I had a feeling for the last couple of weeks that he wasnt going . not sure what tipped me off , maybe it was the phone bill. How many people do you know that call one of there dealers in the middle of when they are supposed to be in a NA meeting? So anyways, its not the fact that he didnt go to the NA meeting , I cant control that. Its the fact that he lied, agian. Yes I no hes an addict and thats what they do. Anyways so I happend to be in the neiborhood and so I went by the meeting his vehicle wasnt there. Not a suprised. So I called him he didnt answer , becuase remeber his is in the NA meeting and he dosnt anser his phone. So he called me back a couple of min after he would have gotten out of the meeting. So I asked him what he was doing. He says oh just got out of the meeting. Well I called him a liar and told him I was there and expalined to him that if he wasnt going just say somthing dont lie to me. Well guess what , he siad I was crazy and that he was there blah blah blah. He kept that one up until he got home. Then changed his story to he was working. Ok , I dont care if he was at home scrubbing the freeken floor he lied. One of the things he was supposed to be working on is following threw on things he says he is going to do . Hes not. So Im threw. I told him that if he can get into recovery and his mind starts to heal and he can think and act rationally and somewhat normally then we could discuss getting back together. Does that sound wierd ? for some reason if Im broke up with him then I feel like I dont have to worry about him anymore. Or maybe I do. God the insanity of it all. I just want to move out and get away from him, or him move out. Well maybe this is a step in the right direction. Im just so tired of it. Im trying to be understanding and to give encourment , support. But how can I do that when i feel like I keep being dragged under by his addiction. I just want him and his addiction to go away. I dont want to help him anymore, be there for him or be around him. I think that there has been 2 much damage done to the relationship to salvage anything. His brain is so twisted and when I try to tell him how I feel and how Im gauging the situation , then he turnes around and verbally abuses me and says im crazy that kind of thing. I will not be in a relationship with somome who is going to lie to me. peroid. Now I need to not lose site of that. And hope it dosnt get lost in the insanity of his addiciton. Which seems to constantly spill off on me.

katiedid79

You know all the stuff Ive been reading and that kind of stuff , I cant get passed the part where it says to be supportive. Not to down the addict after all it is a disease. What should I work on to help me get passed that? I have to admit that I have in the past been rather nasty towards him, called him names that kind of thing , I guess in an effort to try and control. I was trying everything that I could. This is before I started getting educated. He says all this stuff but his actions dont follow threw. But in his mind he thinks he is doing what he says. I try to explain how he is not and it gets turned around on me , he says Im trying to control. Why becuase I dont want to be with someone who is going to lie and manupilate and put me down? He says Im the one with the problem. I need help. Then goes on to say how all the other people , like the physc doc and the group and the people online and all the books I read , there all full of crap and there doing more harm then good . I told him that if evey one is so wrong and he is so right then how did you become and addict and why cant you get clean? But there I go agian trying to rationize with the addict. Its so mind boggeling to me. I just cant seem to wrap my brian around this. I almost feel like Im still in denial about me not being able to control it. I know I cant but ........ He siad he wanted to be left alone , thats what I could do to help. Another words he just wants me to conform and not disagree with his feeling let him continue his drug use in peace without me telling him how I feel. Im I wrong to tell him how I feel? Or to have any reprocusions to his actions, like when he lied to me on friday and then didnt follow threw with what he said and then we got into a fight and he procededed to belittle me and verbally abuse me once agian. Well he is going to be left alone now becuse we are broke up and I told him as long as there where no drugs and he was paying the bills then I would leave him alone.... I just need a vacation.

Chino

It isn't wrong but is it sane to talk to a brick wall and expect a response, much less a positive one? I told my RAD all the time how I felt while she was active in addiction. Didn't make a bit of difference because the only thing she answered to was her drug of choice.

Impurrfect

Chino's right...you might as well be talking to a brick wall.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can figure a way where you won't be sharing a house.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thinkingabit

It is not a disease. It is a choice. He can choose to stop and change or if it is easier and feels better to him, he can keep beating himself and everyone around him up for a long time. Disease would suggest something that he cannot help like a tumor... I could not help it when I got a tumor. I did choose to go get my drugs though. It became a habit and it over time was an addictive behavior, but a behavior just the same. Learned can be unlearned.

So for you... Well you do not have to tolerate it. You can care for you. You cannot make anyone decide to want to stop. That is why treatment does not work. Read the stats. Read the research. Dust yourself off and care for you. You can love at a distance and state what you need. If you cannot do the up and down then get off the ride!

I did. I got off the ride with the AH and I stopped doing what was causing all around me to go up and down. I DECIDED that...

Powerful and NOT powerless...

Thinkingabit

katiedid79

I spoke with him yesterday afternoon and he said he wanted to try things his way for a week. He siad he has not been doing any pills. Which I just dont beleive. But he wants me to lay off of him , he says that when we get into it it affects his job and makes it harder for him to not use. Yes I can see his piont but Im not going to walk on egg shells becuase he might relapse. He says that his addiction is not that bad that he was, hear latelty ,just doing it here and there. A couple of times a week . Yeah right , I dont beleive that either. He said thatin the past it has gotten bad to were he was doing it everyday .... But he is getting better. My concern is it has changed his brain ... The way he acts , lies , manupilates. He said that the best thing that I can do is to get out of his way and let him deal with this problem himself. I told him if that meant that he didnt want me to ask about it then that wasnt going to happen. He said that was fair but told me to watch how I said things... Do you think that this is just manupilation? Or maybe he is trying to deal with it. I know actions speak louder then words. And has been doing better with giving me money for bills and helping around the house... Alot of people says he is looking better. I personally thinck that he relasped , becuase it was like things were going better ... Then all of a sudden all the old patterns appeared. He said that it wasnt the case that I just went off the deep end. Im going with my gut on the relapse thing. He is basically saying with me not being stable or acting stable everyday , hes talking about all the ups and downs, it is making it harder for him. I told him the way I saw it that when he is up and doing good then I am to and when he is down that it affects me as well. And thats why he thincks that I need to back off and let him deal with his addiction. Although Im not sure what he completly means by backing off. He says that I push too hard. Like for an example I told him that I thought it would be a good idea to look at some of the books toghter that I got about addiction and talk about how we felt about some of the stuff in there. He thinks that is stupid . So I didnt say anything else about it. Its such a fine line to walk ... When talking to them. Im just not doing a good job and letting things be. I guess that would tye into the talkign to the brick wall thing. I wonder if the best approach would be to just ignore it meaning , to keep my eyes open but not to worry about it any longer and not ask him about it.... Or is that just what he wants , me out of the way so he can continue his addiction with as little guilt as possable.

ZombieWife

If it's bringing you down to be supportive and he's taking advantage of that, then nobody could convince me to keep supporting someone. He has to want to be clean.

Thinkingabit

I am sending you a big (((((( HUG ))))))

I know this is hard. I could not imagine leaving my hubby and what my family must have gone through with me...well I am just glad that it is over. Peace is good.

You may have to make your own peace.

Thinking a bit of you and the struggle...

Abundance

Aaaaaaaaaah... his way for just a week? Hmmm... did he share with you what that plan is? Has his way worked in the past?

My response would be to "let go and let God"....... and say... "good luck with that!" And then follow up with a plan b...... what is that plan B?

(((Hugs)))... I know the frustration...... we all do..... and coming here to vent and read ...... is so helpful!

"He is basically saying with me not being stable or acting stable everyday , hes talking about all the ups and downs, it is making it harder for him. I told him the way I saw it that when he is up and doing good then I am to and when he is down that it affects me as well. And thats why he thincks that I need to back off and let him deal with his addiction. Although Im not sure what he completly means by backing off. He says that I push too hard. Like for an example I told him that I thought it would be a good idea to look at some of the books toghter that I got about addiction and talk about how we felt about some of the stuff in there. He thinks that is stupid . So I didnt say anything else about it."

I totally understand how his up and down moods affect you as well.... when you notice yourself doing that....... take a deep breath... and leave the situation ... whether it's going for a walk or leaving the room or the house. Keep your schedule very busy ... especially this week... so that you don't give yourself time to enter into his space too much. As for backing off... I think the best thing for you to do is to attend a meeting.... and just look after yourself. Let him get on with it..... it's just a week right?? And then there is Plan B!!!

I think one of the hardest things for us codies... is that we feel that we know the difference and how to help them, yet it frustrates us to no end that they aren't "getting it". Something I have learned through all of my experience with this, is that he has to figure this out for himself, and in the mean time I have to look after myself!

(((( HUGS ))))

Chino

"Wait for the question"

That is one of the phrases I heard in rehab last week and you're the first person I get to share it with. Offer no advice, no "you should..." no "you need..." Offer nothing. If they want your advice or opinion, wait for the question. Otherwise hands off. It's their addiction, leave them alone to take care of it and take care of yourself.

They gave us a copper coin at the end of family week and told us to stick in our mouths every time we felt like talking about their addiction to them. They said when it dissolved we could talk.

They said it very kindly and so am I so please don't take it any other way.

Abundance

I LOVE that advice!!!!!!!!!

I was at family weekend last weekend too..... and in the last hour I was there I read the do's and don'ts..... and the first one on there was DO NOT LECTURE! UGH!!!!! That is what I am so good at doing! And I've been doing it all along..... duh! And now all the frustration came to light with that one "DON'T"! We got a chuckle out of it! He does appreciate the advice and suggestions... but I have figured it out that he has to come to these realizations on his own! Or at least come asking for it on his own! Even then I am working on keeping my mouth shut and my ears open!

angeleyez42

Hi, I am sorry that you are going through this, and reading your post I feel like I am reading the story of my life. My husband is a recovering addict. He has relapsed once in the past year. I told him if it happens again that we are done. I to got and still do get the verbal abuse and being told I am controlling him. When he starts on the controlling thing, I tell him that I am not controlling my life and I will not live the lifestyle that he wants to live. I also took control of the money. He no longer gets any. He did allow me to do this because he says he does not trust himself. Not to long ago, he threw a fit and wanted money because he wanted to go buy crack. I handed him money and told him to go and to never come back, he looked at me, handed the money back and never went. You have to stand up for you and what you want. I know I may be lucky that he is choosing our life over drugs, but believe me, it is not easy. You say that you told him that it is over but you will still live together. He will not see it as over becasue you are still there. If you really want it over then you have to leave and show him that you are serious. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you.

katiedid79

You know what , I didnt even think about it. What is his plan. I think all I could get out of him was, youll see... :chatter
You are right about staying out of his space. He seems to want that alot. So I guess thats fine with me. I dont like being around him much anyways. Not when he is acting like he has been.
There has been so many plan B's , I think the best plan is for right now, becuase I am stashing money away. Is eventually he will get put into Jail, hes driving around with no insurance and no liceance so its just a matter of time before he gets caught. Then once he is out then I might be able to do somthing. Thats when I go see a lawyer that kind of thing. Someone also told me that I could go to the county magistrate and tell them the situation and that I might be able to get a restraining order ... Child endangerment. But then agian I dont want to do that unless I have too. It should be his decioson to get clean and forcing him might just make the situation worse. Im still thinking about all that stuff. I think my main problem is that I havent gottem completly on the distancing myself fully yet. I do go for a awhile then I start having problems agian . Allot of times with out relizing it. I have been doing good about going out and doing things. I have made many inprovments to my self, got my hair cut ... Things like that. I had been doing with out and playing the victim so long that for me its going to be a long road to brake my bad habits and thoughts. All I can do is continue to work on it. Thank you for bringing my focus back into perspective. Things had started to get better and I guess the old me started to come back.
He is diefiently not getting it , so why bother thats where Im at now.

katiedid79

You know that is a good saying. I may need about five of those coins. I would have to shuve the whole lot into my mouth just to keep from trying to talk with the coin in my mouth.