shake the disease...
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
shake the disease...
Morning! I'm thinking out loud here - bear with me! Seems like I tie myself in mental knots - thinking clearly is something I aspire to!!
I'm reading 'Under the Influence' just now and am about a third of the way through. Its really scary how alcohol attacks the body! Anyway, I have a question that may well be answered once I finish the book but thought I'd ask here first- I don't want to skip to the end!!
What I read says that this is a disease. Would I leave my AH if he had a different terminal disease - say cancer? Am I being too hasty in thinking about leaving? (what I want to say in all my codie guilt here is - am I abandoning him?) He's seeing a counsellor for a couple of months but I haven't really seen any difference in him - he's still drinking. I think I just have to wait and see. Splitting up will take time (have to sell the house - but first it needs to be prepared to sell etc) and I guess I can always change my mind in the meantime if he does start to make changes!
I'm reading 'Under the Influence' just now and am about a third of the way through. Its really scary how alcohol attacks the body! Anyway, I have a question that may well be answered once I finish the book but thought I'd ask here first- I don't want to skip to the end!!
What I read says that this is a disease. Would I leave my AH if he had a different terminal disease - say cancer? Am I being too hasty in thinking about leaving? (what I want to say in all my codie guilt here is - am I abandoning him?) He's seeing a counsellor for a couple of months but I haven't really seen any difference in him - he's still drinking. I think I just have to wait and see. Splitting up will take time (have to sell the house - but first it needs to be prepared to sell etc) and I guess I can always change my mind in the meantime if he does start to make changes!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya Bookwyrm--
I do believe the disease model of alcoholism. However it is a little bit different than cancer because it does have a well-recognized mental component that many many alcoholics have overcome through recovery. I see it as a disease because even if an alcoholic achieves sobriety for many years if they relapse they go right back to the point in the progression of their illness that they were at when they stopped and their life quickly progresses out of control again. So it's always there.
Would I leave my AH if he had a different terminal disease - say cancer? Am I being too hasty in thinking about leaving? (what I want to say in all my codie guilt here is - am I abandoning him?)
Well that depends....I compare it more with something like diabetes. If my loved one was continually non-compliant with his/her diabetes treatment. Non-compliant to the point of repeatedly injuring themselves, lying about their compliance, causing frequent health crises, putting a burden on other family members because of their non-coompliance, and creating an unmanageable life for themselves....well, that would be pretty hard to live with too.
However, respect alcoholism for its insidious, unique qualities too.
Alcoholism is called a family disease because it has so many psycho-social components. But it DOES affect the entire family differently than say cancer.
Peace,
B.
I do believe the disease model of alcoholism. However it is a little bit different than cancer because it does have a well-recognized mental component that many many alcoholics have overcome through recovery. I see it as a disease because even if an alcoholic achieves sobriety for many years if they relapse they go right back to the point in the progression of their illness that they were at when they stopped and their life quickly progresses out of control again. So it's always there.
Would I leave my AH if he had a different terminal disease - say cancer? Am I being too hasty in thinking about leaving? (what I want to say in all my codie guilt here is - am I abandoning him?)
Well that depends....I compare it more with something like diabetes. If my loved one was continually non-compliant with his/her diabetes treatment. Non-compliant to the point of repeatedly injuring themselves, lying about their compliance, causing frequent health crises, putting a burden on other family members because of their non-coompliance, and creating an unmanageable life for themselves....well, that would be pretty hard to live with too.
However, respect alcoholism for its insidious, unique qualities too.
Alcoholism is called a family disease because it has so many psycho-social components. But it DOES affect the entire family differently than say cancer.
Peace,
B.
Last edited by Bernadette; 06-09-2008 at 05:40 AM.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I too believe that this is a disease, and I ended it with the A in my life. Why? Because he had confessed to me he was an alcoholic, he came to me and told me he was ill. I stayed a year with him after that, and he never stopped drinking.
In my head was that, he knew he was ill, he knew what was making him ill, he knew where to find help, he knew I would support him, he knew this had killed his mother, yet day after day he CHOSE to keep drinking. It was like he found he had an illness, was given the medicine and tools he needed to cure himself and still did not want to get better.
Then there was the other side of everything, where I was suffering and being abused by his mental emotional and verbal 'games' he would play. I needed recovery too, and I needed to break away from the addict person he had become in order for me to do that properly. I know I would not be as healthy as I am now if I had stayed with him, I know I was close to having a breakdown if I didn't save myself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In my head was that, he knew he was ill, he knew what was making him ill, he knew where to find help, he knew I would support him, he knew this had killed his mother, yet day after day he CHOSE to keep drinking. It was like he found he had an illness, was given the medicine and tools he needed to cure himself and still did not want to get better.
Then there was the other side of everything, where I was suffering and being abused by his mental emotional and verbal 'games' he would play. I needed recovery too, and I needed to break away from the addict person he had become in order for me to do that properly. I know I would not be as healthy as I am now if I had stayed with him, I know I was close to having a breakdown if I didn't save myself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
If someone had "any other disease" and used it as an excuse to abuse me emotionally, verbally, financially, yes I would leave them. If someone else's disease was making me sick as well, and they refused treatement, yes I would leave them.
Having a disease does not excuse unacceptable behavior--no matter what the disease.
L
Having a disease does not excuse unacceptable behavior--no matter what the disease.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Hello BW
This is not a game BUT I believe in a 3 strike rule
After setting your boundarys, and makeing them clearly understood
These are now your rules of the game. what ever you set down.
and whatever your SO sets down for rules. break them 3 times
and your up to bat is over period. Not a game but a guide line for me.
It has kinda worked for me???
This is not a game BUT I believe in a 3 strike rule
After setting your boundarys, and makeing them clearly understood
These are now your rules of the game. what ever you set down.
and whatever your SO sets down for rules. break them 3 times
and your up to bat is over period. Not a game but a guide line for me.
It has kinda worked for me???
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I have lived with family members who were A's but, I had no choice then...today I have a choice and will not allow myself to be subject to anyone who has a disease of any kind that is not helping themselves the best that they can-I worked to hard to recover from my childhood and what this disease created for me…(Which I'm still a work in progress!)
Today I listen to my brother leave me messages as he is drunk saying that he is going
to drink himself to death and needs me. Very painful stuff to hear but I cannot do
anything for him-he has made his choice after several detox treatments, jail time, DUI,
half way houses that he is going to drink himself to death. I love him and this is hard however nothing I can do other than just pray for him…
There are diseases out there that one would not walk away from the person because they are diseases in which no one can do anything- and the person does not have the capability in controlling it or making the choice to get better and I do believe we all know what I'm talking about....
When someone makes the choice to continue to do something that will jeopardize their lives and they know this and I have tried to support them and still wind up back to square one-I need to say Goodbye as it will only in the long run destroy my life-
We all have choices and we decide to make the right choice for our own well being as painful as it maybe to leave those we love-when the time is right and when we realize that we are living in a vicious circle of unhealthy living, we move on when we are ready and that is our choice……
Today I listen to my brother leave me messages as he is drunk saying that he is going
to drink himself to death and needs me. Very painful stuff to hear but I cannot do
anything for him-he has made his choice after several detox treatments, jail time, DUI,
half way houses that he is going to drink himself to death. I love him and this is hard however nothing I can do other than just pray for him…
There are diseases out there that one would not walk away from the person because they are diseases in which no one can do anything- and the person does not have the capability in controlling it or making the choice to get better and I do believe we all know what I'm talking about....
When someone makes the choice to continue to do something that will jeopardize their lives and they know this and I have tried to support them and still wind up back to square one-I need to say Goodbye as it will only in the long run destroy my life-
We all have choices and we decide to make the right choice for our own well being as painful as it maybe to leave those we love-when the time is right and when we realize that we are living in a vicious circle of unhealthy living, we move on when we are ready and that is our choice……
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Thanks everyone. Its a lot clearer in my mind now. I still feel a bit guilty but I have tried and tried with him. He does have the tools he needs but he just won't use them! Its just so frustrating watching him do this when I know I can't do anything to stop him. I guess I'm just feeling a bit vunerable - thanks for the support! :ghug
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