venusinlibra

My ABF celebrated his one year birthday and his sponsor and I gave him the cake. He got to speak for about a minute and thanked his sponsor for his support but didn't thank me.

It felt weird me standing there and him basically ignoring me. After he got off stage, he apologized and said he totally forgot. He said he was nervous. I would agree with that but he also forgot our 3 year anniversary a month ago.

I really have been feeling that I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I support him financially, the relationship is fading away, etc. Everything in my life is great, career, family, etc. except for him.

My sponsor/therapist says it is time to let it go. I just feel really hurt. Maybe this is normal and two people outgrow each other. It is hard to let go but I want to try.

prodigal

What stuck out for me in your post is you support your bf financially. May I ask why? I am glad the rest of your life is going well. Sounds to me as if he neither gives you the emotional support you deserve nor is he a financial contributor.

The rest of your life sounds like it brings you fulfilment. My question is why would do you feel it is so hard to end the relationship?

Spiritual Seeker

He is sober one yr. and not contributing financially??? What's wrong with this picture??
Sounds like he needs to be on his own until he is man enough to take on a mate.
Maybe It is time for you to focus on yourself and determine why you are enabling him and expecting so little.
Focus on your part here, start taking your own inventory and see what you discover.

tamcor123

sounds like two people working 1 program instead of two

tamcor123

:ghugsounds like two people working 1 program instead of two

miss communicat

this sounds like the bare bones, bottom line amidst all the other words you wrote.


When I feel this way, I think of myself as being at a crossroads, and the advice I got as a little girl before proceeding: Stop. Look. And Listen.

I Stop moving forward, with the unwritten agreements within the relationship, forward with enabling by co-signing certain behaviours, stop forwading financial and other support, stop further self- lying, either by putting a pretty face on or by ommission to the partner.

I then have the safety and space to Look at my part in this feeling that I am not "getting anything from this relationship". I usually reduce it to putting it another way "I am losing energy in this relationship". I then can LOOK at all my options including but not limited to: I can stay in the status quo and feel more and more of the same over time. I can sever ties and move on to a more appropriate relationship or be single and enjoy that, or I can take a break from this relationship, during which time I live alone and focus on healing myself, and on being restored to sanity. I LOOK at the questions such as: Is this the best I can do in my life, to diminish myself just to keep a certain man tied to me? What if we took a break? We can always reunite in the future if thats what is meant to happen, but for today, I can choose to be happy and honored.

Then, the most important part: I LISTEN to my higher power answering me in the form of friends' advice given, hits of insight, etc.



good luck and I know you will find your path!

venusinlibra

I think it is my abandonment issues. He and I have similar backgrounds. We both work our programs but on the financial side, he doesn't make alot of money, and I make twice as much. I think he feels entitled. Stupid reason.

I guess I am holding onto the promises he made before he got sober. Life would be different, he would be there for me, etc. and he isn't.

I'm hurt, I'm sad, I put my heart and soul into the relationship. I'm disappointed. I know I deserve better, three years is a long time, and I guess I'm just scared. Not sure why...I just am.

At least I know that I need to make the change...but it is so hard. Thanks for your kind words.

abcdefg

Change is scary. That's why the serenity prayer asks for COURAGE to change. it's really hard.

but it sounds like it may be time to make the break. it almost sounds like you were hoping that he would just say thank you and you would know how much all your effort means to him...that you matter in his recovery...something like that? maybe not, just a guess.

but his recovery is not about you, just like your recovery is not about him.

i found that things really started to change when i asked myself why I was participating in certain unfulfilling, non-reciprocal relationships rather than asking why they were acting the way they were.

that's when i really turned the focus on myself and my recovery went into a new dimension.

venusinlibra

Yes, this is true. I have been very focused on myself and it shows in my career and my relationship with my son. I seem to misfire on the relationship issue with men. Just the last two relationships.

It's strange, I have only three relationships with addicts. The rest have been with normal guys. I have grateful that my relationship with my ABF has brought me to Alanon and has given me an opportunity to change.

I have asked my ABF to leave and he always has an excuse not to. I have known him for 7 years and been with him for 3. It feels like losing my leg or arm. I guess that is co-dependency speaking.

I really appreciate all the support. My head gets it...I just need my heart to catch up.

Kindeyes

When the pain of living with the alcoholic becomes greater than the fear of being alone, that's when change will happen.

gentle hugs

venusinlibra

Wow, well said. I think I'm almost there.