A Parent's Letter To Their Child
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Pekin, IL
Posts: 1
A Parent's Letter To Their Child
Dear Addicted Child:
I am tired. I am weary. I don’t know what else to do to help you. I have put my life on hold and the lives of your younger siblings.
The guilt I have for all of you is immense. I feel guilt for you because I feel that somehow your addiction is my fault, even though I cannot think of anything hurtful I have done to you to cause this, but I go over and over it and try to figure it out, to no avail. I have guilt for your siblings because they need me but all of my attention, all of my energy & all of my thoughts & worries are 24/7 and they are all directed towards you.
This has gone on for years now.
I am exhausted.
I enlisted the help of people I didn’t know a few months ago to get you into a rehab program. You went to Pekin, IL and then on to Chicago, IL for a couple of months with the Safe Haven program there. You came home and went right back to the destructive behavior that has gotten you in trouble for so long.
Why??
I do not understand addiction. I do not understand why someone cannot just not do something they know will hurt them and their families.
You have a daughter now to think about! Why is she not important enough to you to change your lifestyle??
You have a younger brother and sister who look up to you – idolize you. Do you want them to follow in these footsteps of yours? I don’t believe you do, but you’re not willing to put in the effort to make sure that doesn’t happen. Your younger brother needs his medication for ADHD, but you continue to steal it. Please stop taking his medication from him. He is only 11 and needs it.
Most of all, you’re not willing to put in the effort for yourself. That is unacceptable to me. You are important to us – we do not want to be without you permanently.
I am disgusted by your lack of motivation. I have not raised you this way. You need to raise your standards for yourself and stop lowering them. Stop hanging around the people who only want to use you for what you can get them, whether it be illegal drugs, pills or alcohol. Why can’t you see that they aren’t really your friends?? Why?? Has this addiction blinded you so badly that you cannot see this??
I have no social life anymore – my friends are gone. I have spent so much time on your addiction that I have forgotten everyone else, including myself. I don’t do anything for myself anymore – nor do I care. I have too many other things on my mind than to worry about myself! Who cares about me or my needs when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Who cares about wholesome meals when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Not me!
But I should.
I need to.
I don’t know how anymore. Your addiction has consumed me.
I don’t know what else to do. I think about ending my life all the time just so that I can get some relief from all of this. This has gone on too long, but I cannot stop worrying about you because you are my son today and forever. You are my son. You always will be. As long as I’m alive, I will fight for you, even though you’re not willing to fight for yourself.
Please try harder!
Love,
Your Mother
I am tired. I am weary. I don’t know what else to do to help you. I have put my life on hold and the lives of your younger siblings.
The guilt I have for all of you is immense. I feel guilt for you because I feel that somehow your addiction is my fault, even though I cannot think of anything hurtful I have done to you to cause this, but I go over and over it and try to figure it out, to no avail. I have guilt for your siblings because they need me but all of my attention, all of my energy & all of my thoughts & worries are 24/7 and they are all directed towards you.
This has gone on for years now.
I am exhausted.
I enlisted the help of people I didn’t know a few months ago to get you into a rehab program. You went to Pekin, IL and then on to Chicago, IL for a couple of months with the Safe Haven program there. You came home and went right back to the destructive behavior that has gotten you in trouble for so long.
Why??
I do not understand addiction. I do not understand why someone cannot just not do something they know will hurt them and their families.
You have a daughter now to think about! Why is she not important enough to you to change your lifestyle??
You have a younger brother and sister who look up to you – idolize you. Do you want them to follow in these footsteps of yours? I don’t believe you do, but you’re not willing to put in the effort to make sure that doesn’t happen. Your younger brother needs his medication for ADHD, but you continue to steal it. Please stop taking his medication from him. He is only 11 and needs it.
Most of all, you’re not willing to put in the effort for yourself. That is unacceptable to me. You are important to us – we do not want to be without you permanently.
I am disgusted by your lack of motivation. I have not raised you this way. You need to raise your standards for yourself and stop lowering them. Stop hanging around the people who only want to use you for what you can get them, whether it be illegal drugs, pills or alcohol. Why can’t you see that they aren’t really your friends?? Why?? Has this addiction blinded you so badly that you cannot see this??
I have no social life anymore – my friends are gone. I have spent so much time on your addiction that I have forgotten everyone else, including myself. I don’t do anything for myself anymore – nor do I care. I have too many other things on my mind than to worry about myself! Who cares about me or my needs when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Who cares about wholesome meals when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Not me!
But I should.
I need to.
I don’t know how anymore. Your addiction has consumed me.
I don’t know what else to do. I think about ending my life all the time just so that I can get some relief from all of this. This has gone on too long, but I cannot stop worrying about you because you are my son today and forever. You are my son. You always will be. As long as I’m alive, I will fight for you, even though you’re not willing to fight for yourself.
Please try harder!
Love,
Your Mother
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
PetersAngels
(((((hugs)))))
Well this is a heartbreaking letter on so many levels.
It broke my heart because of the desperation and pain in it - and because I have written this kind of letter in the past to my brothers thinking it could make a difference. It did not.
My heart goes out to you -
Please seek out some local help, counseling, AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself!
You don't want to end your life over your son's addiciton. That's letting the drugs win 2 battles.
Fight the good fight - the ONLY fight you can win which is to fight what this addiction is doing to YOU!
You wrote:
I have no social life anymore – my friends are gone. I have spent so much time on your addiction that I have forgotten everyone else, including myself. I don’t do anything for myself anymore – nor do I care. I have too many other things on my mind than to worry about myself! Who cares about me or my needs when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Who cares about wholesome meals when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Not me!
This sounds remarkably like what an addict would say about what the drugs have done to their lives, doesn't it?
I send a prayer your way today that you can focus on YOU, just for today, that you can release your thoughts about your addicted son, detach and trust that he has his own destiny to live out just as you do. This does not make you a bad mother. His addiction or recovery are his own to manage. When you stop trying to control his problems or guilt him into changing you will become a good example to him of how to face adversity and how to care for people you love (like yourself and his other siblings!).
You didn't cause it.
Can't control it.
Can't cure it.
Can you find some small gesture of hope for yourself today? Maybe do something easy and fun with your healthy children, cook them a meal, or any small thing that will give you a lift and remind you that life can still be good, that you don't have to live in this misery, that YOU are worth saving!
Keep reading around this forum - keep posting - you are not alone!
Peace,
B.
(((((hugs)))))
Well this is a heartbreaking letter on so many levels.
It broke my heart because of the desperation and pain in it - and because I have written this kind of letter in the past to my brothers thinking it could make a difference. It did not.
My heart goes out to you -
Please seek out some local help, counseling, AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself!
You don't want to end your life over your son's addiciton. That's letting the drugs win 2 battles.
Fight the good fight - the ONLY fight you can win which is to fight what this addiction is doing to YOU!
You wrote:
I have no social life anymore – my friends are gone. I have spent so much time on your addiction that I have forgotten everyone else, including myself. I don’t do anything for myself anymore – nor do I care. I have too many other things on my mind than to worry about myself! Who cares about me or my needs when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Who cares about wholesome meals when my son is so sick and refuses to help himself?! Not me!
This sounds remarkably like what an addict would say about what the drugs have done to their lives, doesn't it?
I send a prayer your way today that you can focus on YOU, just for today, that you can release your thoughts about your addicted son, detach and trust that he has his own destiny to live out just as you do. This does not make you a bad mother. His addiction or recovery are his own to manage. When you stop trying to control his problems or guilt him into changing you will become a good example to him of how to face adversity and how to care for people you love (like yourself and his other siblings!).
You didn't cause it.
Can't control it.
Can't cure it.
Can you find some small gesture of hope for yourself today? Maybe do something easy and fun with your healthy children, cook them a meal, or any small thing that will give you a lift and remind you that life can still be good, that you don't have to live in this misery, that YOU are worth saving!
Keep reading around this forum - keep posting - you are not alone!
Peace,
B.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Felt this, thought this , wrote an eerily similar letter many times, never sent it....
Petersangels, I am sorry for your pain...
It has been 8 years with my AD...
Last winter I found this board and with the help of many wonderful souls here and Alanon I got my life back and learned how I actually 'could' help my daughter.
Welcome to SR, there are many parents here of addicted children. This is a blessed place of support and compassion, and the stickies at the top of the page are very helpful, keep posting...hugs, grateful
Petersangels, I am sorry for your pain...
It has been 8 years with my AD...
Last winter I found this board and with the help of many wonderful souls here and Alanon I got my life back and learned how I actually 'could' help my daughter.
Welcome to SR, there are many parents here of addicted children. This is a blessed place of support and compassion, and the stickies at the top of the page are very helpful, keep posting...hugs, grateful
Professional Hanger On'er
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Way out of Town, MI
Posts: 103
It seems like the lonliest island in the world, loving our addicted children, and then you realize the island is not deserted, it is actually overpopulated. Enjoy the support of SR, try to find a Nar-Anon meeting. It will help you enormously.
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