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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: St Louis MO
Posts: 2
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I am new to this forum. I recently broke up with my dry drunk boyfriend of 2 years. He has been "sober" for 15. He does nothing for his recovery and feels that he knows everything about recovery so does not need to go to meetings, etc. I kicked him out two weeks ago because I couldn't take it any more. His anger, violent outbursts, immaturity and financial irresponsibility. I loaned him $3000 of which I will never see. Despite all of this, I still miss him and it hurts so bad. I can only think about all the good things in the relationship. I wonder if he misses me. He refuses to talk to me because I kicked him out. He has cut off all contact with me. I am so angry that it didn't work out. And I still cry daily. any advice?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
One thing many of us have found very helpful is to "play the tape all the way through." By this I mean don't concentrate on only the good parts. Remember and embrace the bad parts too. Write in a hournal just why you decided to kicked him out and read it when you have those moments when you are focusing on the good times. You probably didn't reach the decision to kick him out quickly or lightly. Don't sabotage yourself now by forgetting that reality.
You are mourning a very real loss and it will take time to recover from it. Pretending it was something other than what it really was won't help.
One thing many of us have found very helpful is to "play the tape all the way through." By this I mean don't concentrate on only the good parts. Remember and embrace the bad parts too. Write in a hournal just why you decided to kicked him out and read it when you have those moments when you are focusing on the good times. You probably didn't reach the decision to kick him out quickly or lightly. Don't sabotage yourself now by forgetting that reality.
You are mourning a very real loss and it will take time to recover from it. Pretending it was something other than what it really was won't help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It takes time to recover from the pain of a broken relationship. Just time. Try to keep busy and keep your mind occupied. My daughter recently broke up with her alcoholic boyfriend and I know she's hurting but she's doing a great job of keeping very busy.
Breaking up a long term relationship is a grieving process.....so it's ok to feel all of the emotions that grieving entails.
gentle hugs
Breaking up a long term relationship is a grieving process.....so it's ok to feel all of the emotions that grieving entails.
gentle hugs
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey (((((salsadancer)))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. There is so much information shared here we are so glad that you found us!
I know you are hurting but, don't discount the reasons why you asked him to leave. I am sure it was a difficult choice to make.
This could be a very good thing for you. Give yourself time to heal. Don't be surprised that when you get to the point where you feel healed and ready to move forward that he may then decide that he has to have you back at any cost....hopefully you will be strong enough to say no thanks.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. There is so much information shared here we are so glad that you found us!
I know you are hurting but, don't discount the reasons why you asked him to leave. I am sure it was a difficult choice to make.
He refuses to talk to me because I kicked him out. He has cut off all contact with me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Hi, Salsa.
I broke up with my sober ABF about three months ago. We had been together for 3 1/2 turbulent years.
He has supposedly been working recovery for 20 years. It apparently works for him. But whatever recovery he has didn't come into play between us and it definitely didn't work for me.
I just couldn't stand the insane behavior, the accusations, the blame, the disappearing, the complete unwillingness, the immaturity. He was absolutely present, supportive and wonderful whenever HE felt like it (or was capable), which seemed to be in roughly 3 month cycles. But I never knew when he would really show up or bail.
And he wasn't even drinking or using a drop of anything. It was all ISM.
Al-anon has helped me so much in detaching, separating myself from him (and I don't mean in breaking up), taking care of me and understanding the cunning, baffling and powerful disease of alcoholism.
This board was another huge help.
If you would like to look at all my posts, there are a bunch of threads I posted back in March and April about the breakup and the dry drunk behavior. I think if you just click on my name it will take you to a spot you can read all the stuff I've posted. I don't know, I'm not too savvy about the tech side of the board!
Anyway, there's so much good stuff from so many good people. Just keep posting!
abc
I broke up with my sober ABF about three months ago. We had been together for 3 1/2 turbulent years.
He has supposedly been working recovery for 20 years. It apparently works for him. But whatever recovery he has didn't come into play between us and it definitely didn't work for me.
I just couldn't stand the insane behavior, the accusations, the blame, the disappearing, the complete unwillingness, the immaturity. He was absolutely present, supportive and wonderful whenever HE felt like it (or was capable), which seemed to be in roughly 3 month cycles. But I never knew when he would really show up or bail.
And he wasn't even drinking or using a drop of anything. It was all ISM.
Al-anon has helped me so much in detaching, separating myself from him (and I don't mean in breaking up), taking care of me and understanding the cunning, baffling and powerful disease of alcoholism.
This board was another huge help.
If you would like to look at all my posts, there are a bunch of threads I posted back in March and April about the breakup and the dry drunk behavior. I think if you just click on my name it will take you to a spot you can read all the stuff I've posted. I don't know, I'm not too savvy about the tech side of the board!
Anyway, there's so much good stuff from so many good people. Just keep posting!
abc
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
It's very difficult salsadancer13, I feel for what you are going through as I've done it myself. Still dealing with it now.
You are grieving the end of a relationship. Its natural how you are feeling. I myself would many times look back to the good times. The wonderful dates we went on, remember his little quirks and funny habits etc. But as was mentioned "Play the tape through" I had to ask what this meant when I first joined.
I was too busy reminiscing over the loss of him that I completely blanked out why I decided to leave in the first place. Each time I feel like this I remind myself of the nights I cried myself to sleep swearing to myself "no more".
This could be my ex.
Listen you say its been two weeks, it is still very raw and it will take time but try to shift your focus on you. Remind yourself you made a decision that you needed to do. Try not to think of him, he's an adult, he can look after himself.
Keep yourself busy and occupied and again - look after YOU.
Stick around, this forum has given me strength and I know you will find it helpful.
You are grieving the end of a relationship. Its natural how you are feeling. I myself would many times look back to the good times. The wonderful dates we went on, remember his little quirks and funny habits etc. But as was mentioned "Play the tape through" I had to ask what this meant when I first joined.
I was too busy reminiscing over the loss of him that I completely blanked out why I decided to leave in the first place. Each time I feel like this I remind myself of the nights I cried myself to sleep swearing to myself "no more".
His anger, violent outbursts, immaturity and financial irresponsibility.
Listen you say its been two weeks, it is still very raw and it will take time but try to shift your focus on you. Remind yourself you made a decision that you needed to do. Try not to think of him, he's an adult, he can look after himself.
Keep yourself busy and occupied and again - look after YOU.
Stick around, this forum has given me strength and I know you will find it helpful.
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