strongerwoman

I just have to come here and let it all out, pardon the drama.

Had a pretty good day today. Had several calls about the minivan I'm trying to sell. Spent 4 hours typing up 13 different cover letters and redoing my entire resume, have a list of 13 healthcare facilities I am driving to in the morning to deliver these to.

Felt pretty good about myself, found a new shirt I had forgotten about that I never wore last summer. Did my hair and makeup up nice.
Felt good about myself, until my kids started taking pictures and then, OMG, I just do not photograph well at all. Like what I see in the mirror and what I see in the digital camera are two totally different things. I feel like if what I *really* look like is what the camera shows, then I might as well just give it up and jump off a bridge or something. So, there goes any good feelings I was having about myself. Back to the ugliness, the feelings of rejection, the zero self-esteem. Who is ever going to want to be with me in the future? I'm going to be alone the rest of my life without anyone to love or to love me! Who is going to want to hire me to work in their facility. Lets face it, first impressions in an interview are very meaningful.
UGH. I wish I could just get over these feelings of inferiority.

THEN. Then I of course have to go over to AH's apt to get some more cash from him for something the two youngest need tomorrow night.

Hmmm.....he has taken off his wedding ring.
Another kick in the stomach, another knife twisting around in my chest. Another panic attack coming on, trying to just breathe and even that is not easy.

AND he has the nerve to act like everything is just fine. Tries to feed me dinner while I'm there! Right after I realize he has taken off his ring, I start to leave (without any drama, just feeling paincky and like I couldnt breathe & I had to get out of there, so told him I had to go) and he follows me to my car. After I get in and shut the door, he leans in through the open window and gives me this huge, long hug.
I just sat there, alternating between wanting to hug back and never let go and wanting to punch him in the face & gouge his eyes out.
Is it just me or would anyone feel soooo confused?
Enjoy playing with my emotions much?!?!?!

I don't understand how he can be so clingy and constantly pledge undying and complete love from the depths of his freaking soul, never wants to be without me, write me love poems everyday, go above and beyond to take care of me and generally act like Mr. Perfect Husband USA, and all that lovey mushy stuff and THEN turn right around and betray and hurt me so badly, and THEN act like everything is fine and dandy.
HOW can he act like none of this is hurting him when I KNOW it is? I'd like to know the secret to being able to have your world torn to pieces and yet be able to put on a big smile and act like things are great. I mean I know how to put on a happy face, but he is a true pro at it, can fool everyone -especially himself.
Maybe I'm just so mad and so hurt that I want desperately to see some hurt and emotion and regret and sorrow from him.
Yes, I do. I want to see him crying and hurting terribly.

So, if my feelings over my appearance hadn't totally ruined the day, his actions did. Now I'm down, down, down deep in the hole of depression and hopelessness again. Spent the last two hours crying. Wrote him a sad, desperate sounding email (duh, why did I do that?)
It is 1:45am and I made a dumb excuse to call him, he is sleeping away like a baby while here I am a complete emotional mess.

One step forward, 473 steps back seems to be the way it is for me.
Seriously considering a stay in a nice isolated, padded room where they drug you into oblivion for about a week or so.....

HOW do you get over the heartbreak of a shattered marriage, of the lies, of the betrayals, of the complete and total disrespect and disregard?
I know people do it everyday, I just don't know how to do it.
I can't picture myself happy and thriving in the future, Maybe its just too soon to even expect that.

I have these moments (and they are a little more freqent now) where I'm feeling okay, not great, but not deep in depression. Where I might be feeling a LITTLE bit of hopefulness and faith in the future, a LITTLE optomistic. Feeling a little more like "to heck with him, I deserve way more than this in life!"
and I'll be going along okay like this.
And then there is some little (or big) trigger that results in me going into a complete panic inside, like inside I am screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I don't want it to end, I'll do whatever it takes, forgive everything, NO! this cant all be ending, I dont want it to end, everything is NOT going to be okay, I am ugly and unlovable and rejected and abandoned again.
Nothing is ever going to be okay again!

I'm assuming its part of the process of grieving, but damn is it HARD.
Phsyically I feel a huge crushing in my chest, I can't breathe easily, total panic, want to throw up, ect.....just want to scream out at the top of my lungs no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Want to scream and cry and just totally break down in a hysterical mess.

I think its time to go back to the doctor and ask for a refill on my antidepressant that I stopped taking about 6 weeks ago.

baileyboop

I have been where you are at. Hugs to you...It will get better. Time will heal some of these wounds for you. Give yourself a hug and a break...

SailorKaren

I am quite sensitive about my appearance, and I find it difficult to look at pictures of myself. Others can see a picture of me and see a beautiful person, and I look at it and feel repulsed. I have the same difficulty with the sound of my voice. I almost have to leave the room if I hear a recording of me. But the few times I sing some harmony while playing in our church group, I get many complements. My ex used to make fun of my voice if I sang along with myself while practicing at home. She would talk to the cat and reassure her that no one was being injured, it was just Karen singing.

I feel helped when I remember that my inner beauty springs from my connection to the source of love itself. Whatever my ex may say or do, whatever my inner guilt may try to impose, I can rest in the knowledge that my motivations are true, as they express the love I aim to be in all my choices. You did not choose for your AH to drink. You did not choose for him to stray. You did not choose for him to live in denial. You are doing a wonderful job of finding a loving way through a terribly difficult situation.

I too am floored by the way my ex seems to carry on with life like nothing happened. She and her new GF come and sit together in church right where we used to sit together. They ask for prayers and support, and she compliments me on my appearance and tries to make small talk. Like 7 years together never happened! It makes no sense to me. It has to be something they do or think to themselves to be able to live with themselves and their behavior. It stabs me in the heart.

The only way I know how to get over the hurt and betrayal, is to go through it by feeling the feelings, doing the crying, and embracing the depression. When it gets really bad and I feel particularly low, it helps to call someone. That call can be very hard to make, especially when the moments become dark. It can help if you set up some friends ahead of time when you're feeling more up.

Thank you for your courage in sharing. Please keep posting and reaching out.
Karen

Angelus

I'm sensitive about my appearance too. I was at a get together and the host is a photo-junkie and kept snapping pictures of me, made me very uncomfortable. She showed me one and I didn't like how I looked, it upset me.


More importantly, definitely get that refill...I stopped taking mine for 2 months and it was a mistake. I've learned to accept that I need that extra help to take the edge off

laurie6781

I am not a doctor, but I do know that on 99.9999999999% of anti-depressant medication it is a warning in the paperwork the pharmacist gives you, that you are NOT to stop taking it abruptly. It can cause all sorts of 'weird' and 'scary' emotions to surface and jump you all over the place.

Please talk to your Dr ASAP about getting on and staying on your Anti D and not trying to go off of it without your Dr's assistance.

That in itself will help some with your PAIN.

How do you get over this? TIME, lots and lots and lots of time. Come here and post, try and find out, maybe from your pastor, if that meeting you couldn't find got moved to a different night, or if it was just a 'glitch' for that night.

You can do this. Get those resumes out there. If the eviction does take place, head for the NEAREST Domestic Violence shelter. Why a DV shelter? Because what he is doing to you is ABUSE. May not be physical but is definitely EMOTIONAL and many times emotional abuse can be much worse than physical. The DV shelter will also have folks that you can talk to, that will help you get back on your feet, councilors, etc.

Doing that, going to some meetings, posting here, so you know your are not alone will help. Slowly the pain will fade................TIME. I heard many years ago, that "pain has no memory." I though no that's not true, then I started to really think about it, and you know what I came to find out? Pain has no memory. I know there was great physical pain when my daughter was born, she was a breach birth, butt first folded in half, but I cannot actually remember the pain.

I know there was pain, and lots of it, with both my divorces, but I cannot in all honestly remember how bad it was or how it really felt.

There is pain, every time one of my fur babies goes to the Rainbow Bridge, however, I cannot remember the previous experience and thus go through it all over again.

You can and will get through this Stephanie, and we will walk with you.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

HOW do you get over the heartbreak of a shattered marriage, of the lies, of the betrayals, of the complete and total disrespect and disregard?

By accepting responsibility for your half of the unsuccessful partnership, and focusing on yourself.

I did it with a therapist. I needed guidance and an objective eye. I was broken-hearted and seriously broke but found a sliding scale mental health center and it only cost me $15 a week! I kept an open mind and listened even when I wanted to rationalize/argue with the tough stuff I had to face about myself.

I can't picture myself happy and thriving in the future, Maybe its just too soon to even expect that.

It may be too soon to actually BE happy and thriving (that would be weird!) but it is NEVER TOO SOON to start visualizing a happy thriving future. Just for today, for 5 or 10 quiet minutes picture yourself where you WANT to be as a single, strong, healthy woman. Let any negative images slide right by and stay focused on the positive imagination. After 5 - 10 minutes just move on with whatever you have to do. Don't analyze or judge your dream, just get on with your day and let the "new thought" do its own slow work.

It must be very hard since you struggle with your appearance so much. Especially in this sick sick culture we live with nowadays. I read your earlier threads and so its obviously something you have been coping with for good or bad all your life. And now in this very emotional situation all your insecurities will be heightened. Just try to remember that inside is what's important! I don't mean - oh shucks - you're beautiful on the inside - I mean everyday your body is manufacturing new red blood cells, your WBC's are eating bacteria and protecting you, your cuts are scabbing and healing and restoring health to your skin, your formidable brain is making new dendritic connections and learning new things, your liver is purifying your blood and making bile so that you can properly digest, your feet are bearing the load of your body, your arms can reach out and hug your children, your hands can hold their little hands, make a soup, type on the computer. Y'know what I'm sayin? You have a choice to obsess over the one thing that you cannot change about your appearance - or you can choose to counteract that obsession with gratitude. I would never try to sell that as EASY - but at some point you have to see that there aren't many other options if you want to STOP. I mean, if you are being so hard on yourself - you've got to make a plan to defend yourself from yourself!!!!

Your writing is evidence of a quick and lively and fun mind. And an ACTIVE one - holy cow!!! Your ex's actions are speaking pretty clearly, why waste time trying to figure HIM out? Put that super brain you have to work in your own best interests.

Sorry this is long--all these things worked for me - so take what you can use and throw away the rest! I was a blubbering mess for @ 9 mos. after my divorce and it took a couple years for the new me to feel less freaked out, so take it easy on yourself - you ARE becoming a STRONGERWOMAN!!!
Peace,
B.

Kindeyes

I could literally FEEL your emotions and panic as I read your post. Although pain has no memory as stated before, your post brought back memories of 25 years ago when I was experiencing what you are experiencing.

The feelings of no self worth. The fear of the unknown. The knowledge that I couldn't afford my house payments by myself and my xah wouldn't (couldn't) pay child support. The awful feeling of taking handouts from my daycare provider so that my small child and I could eat.

It felt like I was going to DIE. I do remember that pain.

But I DIDN'T die. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I cried all night and went to work the next day with a red and swollen face. I tried to protect myself from the emotional gaming that my xah was employing. And I made it.

I love what Laurie said above. We will walk with you.

gentle hugs

Lilyflower

Hi Strongerwoman, sorry to hear your having a bad day!

I just wanted to pick up on what you have typed here. I too suffer from depression and have done for the last 12/13 yrs. I have been under a few different doctors who have sent me to counsellors and put me on medication for anxiety and depression etc for the odd 3 or 6 months and then stopped my meds. I felt better for a while, but it has always come back.

Lately I found a wonderful doctor who has really helped me get better. I was put on a dose for three months and had a meet up with him every week to discuss how I was feeling. After the 3 months, he increased my dose as I should have made a greater improvement than I had. It has now been near to 2 years and I feel wonderful! For the first time in years I feel like I am back from that dark hole that had swallowed me! Although I am feeling great I am still under his care and still taking a prescription, now having my dose reduced. I am also having counselling, anxiety management and cognative therapy work.

I wanted to share this with you as I understand how battling depression can really take a while and I understand how difficult it is to deal with normal every day things when you are constantly at war with yourself mentally!

If you are under your doctors care for depression it is important to keep taking your medication even if you start to feel better, and if you aren't feeling any benefits speak to your doctor and he can up your dose as mine did. Ask about referal to a therapist too. In my experience it has taken being under prescription for almost 2 years to finally shift it amoungst therapy etc.

In the mean time, when you feel good, really concentrate on that feeling, hold it for as long as you can, so that your mind becomes familiar with how it feels. Part of the problem with depression is that the mind has been down for so long it naturally lingers on negativity instead of on happiness.

Sending you peace and love

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cagefree

So true. Realizing that I owned staying with XABF instead of leaving an unhealthy situation was huge. It was a pivotal point which allowed me to let go of anger and resentment and I began to detach. Someone else said something similar to me and I nearly flipped my lid - "What? I'm to blame? He's the creep!" He may have been a creep - but I let him walk all over me instead of walking myself out of his life.

LaTeeDa

I would like to share something with you. Something it has taken me 45 years to learn.

We are all SINGLE. Every person on this planet. It doesn't matter if you are married, engaged, divorced, young, or old. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, what job you have, or where you live. Each and every one of us is an individual, single person, walking our unique path on this earth.

Waiting around for the right person, the right job, or the right circumstances to make my life better has been the biggest waste of my precious time. The worst regret I have is that I didn't start living my life FOR ME sooner.

I don't know how many more years I have left on this earth, but I have made a promise to myself not to waste any more precious time worrying about what people think of me, how much money I have, or who might or might not love me. Life's just too short...............

L

sojourner

You get over the grief, betrayal, rage, everything negative by doing it one day at a time and by finding something to be grateful in the day you are in. "Lord, i'm grateful that I have this laundry to do today. How wonderful that i have this laundry that has nothing to do with my overwhelming situation. i'm grateful that i have a washing machine that works, that the electricity is paid so that it will run. i'm grateful that when the laundry is done that i will then have the task of putting it away."

If you saw "Out of Africa," remember the two scenes where Meryl Streep was faced with incredible grief and so went out to the manager of the laborers and said, "Give me work," so he put her to work in the midst of all the laborers who were preparing the coffee beans for market. She did that physical labor every day until she was physically exhausted until she felt like she did not need to do it anymore.

You can do this.