Unexpected gratitude
Next stop: real life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 990
Unexpected gratitude
At work today, I got a brief wave of nausea. Who knows why, maybe my lunch didn't quite agree with me. I haven't really felt nauseous since I got sober, and WOW did those few seconds bring back a lot of memories...
Running to the restroom at work to throw up, and hoping nobody noticed.
Feeling ill all day, every day.
Feeling SO paranoid, all the time.
Trying to think when my head felt like it was filled with wet cement.
Praying that my co-workers wouldn't notice my hung-over eyes and unwashed clothes.
Standing in front of the mirror every morning, trying to will myself to start another day, telling myself that if I could only get through another workday I could drink again.
Going into the liquor store, trying to either act friendly and casual or just sullenly avoiding the clerk's eyes.
Hating myself just for existing, because I'd turned into everything I ever hated.
At the risk of sounding like one of those starry-eyed AA freaks that I hated so much... I am so, so grateful that I never have to go through any of that again. It's entirely up to me.
That feels so great.
:ghug
Running to the restroom at work to throw up, and hoping nobody noticed.
Feeling ill all day, every day.
Feeling SO paranoid, all the time.
Trying to think when my head felt like it was filled with wet cement.
Praying that my co-workers wouldn't notice my hung-over eyes and unwashed clothes.
Standing in front of the mirror every morning, trying to will myself to start another day, telling myself that if I could only get through another workday I could drink again.
Going into the liquor store, trying to either act friendly and casual or just sullenly avoiding the clerk's eyes.
Hating myself just for existing, because I'd turned into everything I ever hated.
At the risk of sounding like one of those starry-eyed AA freaks that I hated so much... I am so, so grateful that I never have to go through any of that again. It's entirely up to me.
That feels so great.
:ghug
You are me!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Thank you for your post. I can relate to it even tho I'm newly sober. Those nasty memories are a lot of what's written on my "what I hate about drinking" list. I read it any time I have a craving. So far it's working very well.
:ghug2
:ghug2
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Fantastic post tellus.
Meetings and SR help to keep those bad memories fresh in my mind as well as all of the posotive things I have found in sobriety. Early in sobriety fear of going back where I was helped me to stay sober, the longer I stayed sober the more I found my self focusing on the good things sobriety has brought me giving me hope, this is like the same hope I see in the rooms of people who have been sober 20-30 years and still happy.
Meetings and SR help to keep those bad memories fresh in my mind as well as all of the posotive things I have found in sobriety. Early in sobriety fear of going back where I was helped me to stay sober, the longer I stayed sober the more I found my self focusing on the good things sobriety has brought me giving me hope, this is like the same hope I see in the rooms of people who have been sober 20-30 years and still happy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NYC - New York
Posts: 305
Originally Posted by tellus 
Standing in front of the mirror every morning, trying to will myself to start another day, telling myself that if I could only get through another workday I could drink again.
Great post!!
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