Considering Moving Out (long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
Considering Moving Out (long)
There's a lot of variables here, it's all a bit complicated, and for the most part I'm not sure if I'm just being spoiled and overly-sensitive.
My parents are divorced, always have been, mom was never clear about any specific reason for leaving. When I visited my dad on long school holidays, he would often tell me long stories about how she was constantly trying to control him, like restricting his drinking to only one small glass a night. At the time I thought that this was more evidence of her control-freak tendencies.
At the time, (before I reached double digits) mom was at times physically abusive, neglectful, and emotionally unpredictable. She had just quit smoking, taken in her alcoholic father who was dieing of emphysema, and my younger brother had just reached toddler hood. My step-father (the father of both younger brothers) was either absent or working very hard in the Military, and was unable to provide much support.
Once we got past this rough period the abuse stopped, and I never brought it up.
When my mother and I began having problems again, we were both on diet pills, my step-dad was in Iraq, and my two little brothers were a heavy, taxing responsibility on my mom and I. Along with my mother's cat-breeding business, which involved numerous amounts of cats breeding and shedding all over the house, kitten care, and a large house, we were constantly exhausted, but always busy. I was 16, and felt the strain. The diet pills (phentremine) made us both aggresive and short tempered. I felt unappreciated and neglected, she thought I was being whiny and lazy.
We had a huge argument, which dissolved into an actual physical fight, and ended with me throwing a chair at her. A conclusion was reached that I needed to leave.
So I moved in with my father, came down off the pills, and basked in the life of a single-child who lived in a house with no pets or small children. I was responsible only for my own mess, and did the dishes. My dad is a successful entrepreneur who builds robots that can inspect cramped areas for damage. So there are no money problems. He even "hired" me as a Jane-of-all-trades for a nice rate of ten dollars an hour. When he has something for me to do, I "sign in", and receive payment for however long the task took me at the end of the month.
Slowly, I began to relies that my father was an alcoholic. Slowly, I began to relies that the bright, interesting conversations we had shared when I visited as a child had become long, drawn-out, overly-familiar monologues. I would beg to go to bed on school nights as he poured another glass of wine for himself and insist that this was the last story, that he needed me to listen a little longer. Finally I would refuse, at the wee hours of the morning, and he would rant about disrespect as I went to my room.
We have always discussed political things. But now when I disagree with him he becomes angry, and insults me, calling me a dumb-ass and the like. Slight incidents such as a spilled drink or a verbal misunderstanding sends him into a rage. While he has never been violent, it is very frightening, and he can be very cruel with his words. As it became more unpleasant to be around him, I began to avoid him.
Slowly our relationship began to change.
I hadn't learned to drive, I was too busy when I lived with my mother. I didn't want to ask him to drive me anywhere because he would accuse me of using him as a taxi. I was stuck in my room, and picked up pot as a diversion from the lonely boredom.
After a lot of struggle I finally managed to get my drivers licence. I've lived with my father for two years now, I'm eighteen, and I'm going to community college soon.
I spend as little time around my father as possible, I've let him know how his drinking affects our relationship from my point of view. No changes have been made. He denies he has a problem with control, and when I argue with him about how he acts towards me, he makes my complaints seem small. He says that his attitude towards me is all in my head and that I'm blowing things out of proportion. And when he asks for examples of his behavior I can never find anything that sounds serious. "You're being mean to me!" "You treat me like ****!".
He has three personal cars. When I go to visit friends or run errands, I take the oldest car, a truck, bought in the early eighties, devoid of air conditioning, proper seat-belts, and it's spotted with rust. He says it's worth 3,500$ and I'm eager to leave.
Short-Term Goals: Go to college, get out of my fathers house, have (any) car.
Problems: Nowhere to go, no steady source of income, I don't own a car.
Mom has gotten better again, she has reduced the amount of cats in the house, my step-father has retired from the military, and my brothers are a little older and more manageable now. She has begged me to come back, and said she was sorry for treating me badly, although I had told her I moved out because I was afraid of hurting my brothers. (I didn't want to hurt her feelings, she's a sweet person when she's not stressed.)
I have no idea what to do, I'm afraid to go back to my mothers' for all sorts of reasons. I have a bad habit of automatically forgiving her for things that hurt me, and pitying her and wanting to take care of her. I'm a lesbian, and my step-father is a Tennessee Southern Baptist. I want my own life, I want to just take care of myself, heal, forgive my parents, and move on. Go to college and work hard so I can enjoy a bright future and find love.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it is all rather detailed, and I could really use the advice. I've gone to my counselor, and she wanted to put a social worker on it. But I never heard back from her about it. My friends can't take me in, either they can't afford it, or they don't have any room.
Any suggestions? As I wrote this I thought I might be able to apply for welfare till I find a real job and can start saving up. Are there any programs I can apply for that will help me get out of here financially?
My parents are divorced, always have been, mom was never clear about any specific reason for leaving. When I visited my dad on long school holidays, he would often tell me long stories about how she was constantly trying to control him, like restricting his drinking to only one small glass a night. At the time I thought that this was more evidence of her control-freak tendencies.
At the time, (before I reached double digits) mom was at times physically abusive, neglectful, and emotionally unpredictable. She had just quit smoking, taken in her alcoholic father who was dieing of emphysema, and my younger brother had just reached toddler hood. My step-father (the father of both younger brothers) was either absent or working very hard in the Military, and was unable to provide much support.
Once we got past this rough period the abuse stopped, and I never brought it up.
When my mother and I began having problems again, we were both on diet pills, my step-dad was in Iraq, and my two little brothers were a heavy, taxing responsibility on my mom and I. Along with my mother's cat-breeding business, which involved numerous amounts of cats breeding and shedding all over the house, kitten care, and a large house, we were constantly exhausted, but always busy. I was 16, and felt the strain. The diet pills (phentremine) made us both aggresive and short tempered. I felt unappreciated and neglected, she thought I was being whiny and lazy.
We had a huge argument, which dissolved into an actual physical fight, and ended with me throwing a chair at her. A conclusion was reached that I needed to leave.
So I moved in with my father, came down off the pills, and basked in the life of a single-child who lived in a house with no pets or small children. I was responsible only for my own mess, and did the dishes. My dad is a successful entrepreneur who builds robots that can inspect cramped areas for damage. So there are no money problems. He even "hired" me as a Jane-of-all-trades for a nice rate of ten dollars an hour. When he has something for me to do, I "sign in", and receive payment for however long the task took me at the end of the month.
Slowly, I began to relies that my father was an alcoholic. Slowly, I began to relies that the bright, interesting conversations we had shared when I visited as a child had become long, drawn-out, overly-familiar monologues. I would beg to go to bed on school nights as he poured another glass of wine for himself and insist that this was the last story, that he needed me to listen a little longer. Finally I would refuse, at the wee hours of the morning, and he would rant about disrespect as I went to my room.
We have always discussed political things. But now when I disagree with him he becomes angry, and insults me, calling me a dumb-ass and the like. Slight incidents such as a spilled drink or a verbal misunderstanding sends him into a rage. While he has never been violent, it is very frightening, and he can be very cruel with his words. As it became more unpleasant to be around him, I began to avoid him.
Slowly our relationship began to change.
I hadn't learned to drive, I was too busy when I lived with my mother. I didn't want to ask him to drive me anywhere because he would accuse me of using him as a taxi. I was stuck in my room, and picked up pot as a diversion from the lonely boredom.
After a lot of struggle I finally managed to get my drivers licence. I've lived with my father for two years now, I'm eighteen, and I'm going to community college soon.
I spend as little time around my father as possible, I've let him know how his drinking affects our relationship from my point of view. No changes have been made. He denies he has a problem with control, and when I argue with him about how he acts towards me, he makes my complaints seem small. He says that his attitude towards me is all in my head and that I'm blowing things out of proportion. And when he asks for examples of his behavior I can never find anything that sounds serious. "You're being mean to me!" "You treat me like ****!".
He has three personal cars. When I go to visit friends or run errands, I take the oldest car, a truck, bought in the early eighties, devoid of air conditioning, proper seat-belts, and it's spotted with rust. He says it's worth 3,500$ and I'm eager to leave.
Short-Term Goals: Go to college, get out of my fathers house, have (any) car.
Problems: Nowhere to go, no steady source of income, I don't own a car.
Mom has gotten better again, she has reduced the amount of cats in the house, my step-father has retired from the military, and my brothers are a little older and more manageable now. She has begged me to come back, and said she was sorry for treating me badly, although I had told her I moved out because I was afraid of hurting my brothers. (I didn't want to hurt her feelings, she's a sweet person when she's not stressed.)
I have no idea what to do, I'm afraid to go back to my mothers' for all sorts of reasons. I have a bad habit of automatically forgiving her for things that hurt me, and pitying her and wanting to take care of her. I'm a lesbian, and my step-father is a Tennessee Southern Baptist. I want my own life, I want to just take care of myself, heal, forgive my parents, and move on. Go to college and work hard so I can enjoy a bright future and find love.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it is all rather detailed, and I could really use the advice. I've gone to my counselor, and she wanted to put a social worker on it. But I never heard back from her about it. My friends can't take me in, either they can't afford it, or they don't have any room.
Any suggestions? As I wrote this I thought I might be able to apply for welfare till I find a real job and can start saving up. Are there any programs I can apply for that will help me get out of here financially?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I doubt that there is a welfare program for your situation, EarthlyPassions. Did you graduate from high school this year? You might talk with your high school counselor or the college about getting a student loan that will help pay for room and tuition and meals at the college where you want to attend. A lot of colleges have work/study programs that help pay room and board also. You can also get a job and pay your own rent in an apartment or rental while you attend college. Your future is yours, and it is limitless if you really want it badly enough. You just have to start the process.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
I doubt that there is a welfare program for your situation, EarthlyPassions. Did you graduate from high school this year?
Originally Posted by peaceteach
You might talk with your high school counselor or the college about getting a student loan that will help pay for room and tuition and meals at the college where you want to attend. A lot of colleges have work/study programs that help pay room and board also.
Originally Posted by peaceteach
You can also get a job and pay your own rent in an apartment or rental while you attend college.
Originally Posted by peaceteach
Your future is yours, and it is limitless if you really want it badly enough. You just have to start the process.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Welcome to the forum EP!
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. But you do have a lot of options and you're so young.
Peaceteach has given you some awesome advice. And to answer some of your questions, as long as you are still in college you don't have to pay back your student loans right away. They will work with you and give you a chance to get back on your feet if and when you graduate from college.
Also like peaceteach suggested, there are work study programs at the college you attend. Also I would start applying for any type of scholorships you can. There are sooo many out there.
Is it possible to find a roommate?
Good luck to you!! Starting a new life can be so exciting!!
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. But you do have a lot of options and you're so young.
Peaceteach has given you some awesome advice. And to answer some of your questions, as long as you are still in college you don't have to pay back your student loans right away. They will work with you and give you a chance to get back on your feet if and when you graduate from college.
Also like peaceteach suggested, there are work study programs at the college you attend. Also I would start applying for any type of scholorships you can. There are sooo many out there.
Is it possible to find a roommate?
Good luck to you!! Starting a new life can be so exciting!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
The best thing I can say is it doesn't spound as if you have to make any decisions immediately. That gives you time to check out all your options and take things one step at a time.
Apply for scholarships. Talk to the admissions office at the community college and get their advice. Look around to see what job opprtunities you can find. See if becoming a room mate is an option for new living space. Talk with your high school guidance office, a great resource in many ways especially since they have already indicated a willingness to help. Check your local community's government for possible avenues of help. You might be surprised at what you find.
It may take time but you have time. Take it slow and easy as you find out what resources are available to you.
The best thing I can say is it doesn't spound as if you have to make any decisions immediately. That gives you time to check out all your options and take things one step at a time.
Apply for scholarships. Talk to the admissions office at the community college and get their advice. Look around to see what job opprtunities you can find. See if becoming a room mate is an option for new living space. Talk with your high school guidance office, a great resource in many ways especially since they have already indicated a willingness to help. Check your local community's government for possible avenues of help. You might be surprised at what you find.
It may take time but you have time. Take it slow and easy as you find out what resources are available to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
You guys rock, thanks for all your input. It's kind of hard for me to take on big projects like this but I think I've got a better foothold now. I applied for some local voice-acting, and got my FAFSA stuff started. I also had a serious discussion with my friend about him getting a job so we can share an apartment somewhere cheap.
I'll be keeping an eye out for waitress jobs at places near-by. I hear they can get a good amount of money a night at the right place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya earthly passions!
welcome...
wow you've had quite a lot of strife over the years, but you sound strong and curious, not spoiled! This time of life is hard for everyone - wanting to be free and independent but it is quite a lot at first to get it all together.
Especially when resources are slim I always find it is best to start w/ a budget!
Get a handle on the average rents in town. You already know how much college will be more or less. You can do a little research and work out average heating/not water bills for a month and telephone/groceries etc --although you kids nowadays probably don't even get a landline right?!! ;-) -- but anyway you get the picture - figure out a rough monthly budget and plan your work around that. It might be more than you think - or less - but you want to have a realistic number to work with.
Also, at Community Colleges especially the career offices, student work offices, and financial aid offices are there to help you. They know that people have complicated lives and they offer a wide range of services. Maybe even they offer some individual counseling to help you heal from your family situation.
One day at a time Earthly! Break each thing into chunks and make a plan for each day. You'll find yourself moving ahead!
Peace,
B.
welcome...
wow you've had quite a lot of strife over the years, but you sound strong and curious, not spoiled! This time of life is hard for everyone - wanting to be free and independent but it is quite a lot at first to get it all together.
Especially when resources are slim I always find it is best to start w/ a budget!
Get a handle on the average rents in town. You already know how much college will be more or less. You can do a little research and work out average heating/not water bills for a month and telephone/groceries etc --although you kids nowadays probably don't even get a landline right?!! ;-) -- but anyway you get the picture - figure out a rough monthly budget and plan your work around that. It might be more than you think - or less - but you want to have a realistic number to work with.
Also, at Community Colleges especially the career offices, student work offices, and financial aid offices are there to help you. They know that people have complicated lives and they offer a wide range of services. Maybe even they offer some individual counseling to help you heal from your family situation.
One day at a time Earthly! Break each thing into chunks and make a plan for each day. You'll find yourself moving ahead!
Peace,
B.
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