nowinsituation

That's what AH asked me last night...why are you so cold???? I wanted to say it's not called "cold", it's called "detached". But, I knew better than to try to explain to him. Short background -- we are separated, divorce pending; he is disabled and can't drive so when our daughter has a performance I take him along (if he asks me to in advance). There was a show last night and there we were. This is my daughter's weekend to spend with him, and she wants to go somewhere tonight. She has been asking me about it for a long time and I have always told her she has to talk to her dad about it as it is during his weekend. Last night she asked me if I would take her and I said no I had plans -- she was very disappointed. When AH and I were alone at the table I talked to him about it, said she wanted to go, and suggested he try to figure out a way to get her there. She had not talked to him about it until last night, and then only to get his permission to go, and her plan was that I would take her. I accept responsibility for not being clear with her about it; and I will have to deal with that.

Tried to get through to AH that his daughter is afraid to ask him for things that she wants, without telling him how I thought he should deal with it. We got to our usual point of repeating over and over again the same thing, only starting out with "I'm just saying . . . . that you should . . . . " Finally I just said, "OK, whatever!". And I get "Why are you so cold?"

I feel like I am using my daughter to try to teach my AH a lesson? Then I tell myself that I am only taking care of myself and I cannot fix everyone's problems or make everyone happy. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh, and BTW, as soon as he got in the car the stench of alcohol was overwhelming, nice!

dor5711

Definitely part of detachment. I've been called a cold hearted b**ch more times than I can count. Also a few other choice words. I can imagine what I'll be called this time since I refuse to have anything more to do with him, period. I spent yesterday taking out the rest of his things and putting them all in the outside shed. BTW ... this is my SO but we've been together for 8 years - 5 of them were good cos he was sober, the last 3 has been a nightmare

You are in my thoughts...
Doreen

Lilyflower

From what I've learnt, folks never respond well when I tell them what I think they should do. It tends to immediately put the other person in a defensive stance and my words, although good intentioned, have little or no weight to them. I am learning to speak from my heart without my words tainted with hurt, expectancy or judgement.

I find sentences that begin 'I feel .....' tend to work better, perhaps a 'I feel our daughter is having difficulty understanding how to approach you with requests' would work better with your stbxah? Does your daughter attend al-ateen or something similar. It would be good for her to learn how to communicate with her dad.

Lilyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chrysalis123

Do you think he is manipulating you with the "you are cold" comment?


FWIW, I am going through something similar with my STBXAH. On my daughter's 13th b-day, she came up with the idea to spend the night with Dad even though it was my night. It stipulates in the separation agreement that the children can decide how to spend b-days. ALso on that night was a big performance. The kids told me in the morning this was the plan(to spend the night with dad) and I did nothing and decided to just sit back and watch but I thought he would be unavailable due to new 24 year old girlfriend. After the performance at 9:45 PM kids spring idea on dad. He tells them no and gives a very bad excuse. 13 year old b-day kid is crushed and little one is infuriated. I'm left with crying kids, and no celebration of their performance by him. I take them out for icecream and on the way young one pipes up with, "My intuition is telling me what Dad said is not true. What he said doesn't make sense to me......Mom what do you think?" I replied I think you should trust your gut.

In the meantime I am consumed with rage that he did this to them, that yet again he didn't think, or plan ahead and they are hurt.

I too struggle with how much to help the kids learn how to deal with him. When does tending my side of the street involve helping them? I started counseling and my counselor said that the kids will learn 3 things from living with an alcoholic: Don't trust, Don't feel and Don't talk. My job is to help them learn the opposite. It sure is a tightrope to help them see reality versus bad-mouth Dad.

AH told me I am inflaming the situation by telling young child to trust her gut.

Bookworm88

EVERYONE should learn to trust their gut. It would save many people from bad situations and this applies to all situations, not just with an addict. I wish I would have learned this lesson as a child.

To nowinsituation - Ignore the "why are you so cold" comment. I got a variation on that when I had my boundaries talk with AH. I was able to do it without crying or yelling. When he brought it up Thursday night he said that I was "so business like" when I spoke to him. He said it "freaked him out". Maybe he should take that as a clue that I meant business and intend to follow through.

nowinsituation

Followup -- my daughter txted me Sat. and I ultimately helped her make arrangements so she could go to the show. (I took her there and helped her make arrangements to stay over with one of the other girls). Then when I took here there I paid her admission and gave her $ for dinner, etc. What is so hard for me is that in trying to hold my ex accountable and get him to step up and take responsibility for her -- including her social life -- while she is there; that she is stuck in the middle and suffers. Then I always feel the need to step in and take care of things. Even though he doesn't drive, he could have asked a friend/neighbor to drive her to the show or (God forbid) called and taken a taxi?? I could have made those suggestions to him, but I need to stop telling him what he can/should do and he needs to think for himself.

I really need to find some way to discuss this with my daughter without showing how angry I am at her father. I can see how damaging it is to her; and how she walks on eggshells around her father not expressing what she needs/wants. If she takes that into adulthood -- and into her future relationships (which she WILL) she is destined to suffer soooo much pain. Thank you for the suggestions you have already given me; if anyone has any more advice I would really appreciate it!

Laan

Not an expert at all - but something that has worked for me before when I was in similar situations - speak to someone about another that infuriates me....I try to totally distance that person from myself. Detach myself as if I have no feelings of pain or anger towards them.

Especially if you are trying to help your daughter. Just keep thinking that SHE will benefit from it all if you can manage it.

Hope it helps even a little.....good luck hey!

Barbara52

Yup, talking to your daughter is necessary. It won't be easy but you can do it. Include in that talk that you will always be available to come and get her when she is at her father's, whether that is just to get her somewhere or to bring her home. I think it will probably help her to know she doesn't have to stay at her father's if the situation makes her uncomfortable.

You can't tell your AH what and how to do things concerning your daughter unfortunately. He will do what he does. But you can let your daughter know she is not responsibile for her father's problems and that she has a right to leave if she is uncomfortable with any of it.

Chrysalis123

I am struggling with this EXACT situation and am at a loss. I have started counseling which will also include the children being seen individually and perhaps all 3 of us as a family. I am also angry at him for choosing himself over the kids and for blaming the kids when they act. He doesn't understand that divorce is a traumatic thing for kids and that kids need TLC and unconditional attention. I get confused too when I should step in and when not so for now I will follow my gut and if I feel my codie ways acting up I will seek help.

I was thinking over step 3 from alanon and I prayed to turn this issue all over to my HP.

I pains me to know that this is hurting my kids.

Kindeyes

Well, it sounds like he has noticed your detachment......they don't like it at all. It makes them feel powerless over us. Wear that statement "you are so cold" like a badge of courage!

As far as the particular situation goes, there is seldom a perfect answer. I think you did the best you could with what you had to deal with. You keep doing the best you can for your daughter and for yourself. You STBXH is an adult and as such, he should be able to take care of himself.

The one thing I learned (that I wish I would have learned sooner) is that I'm not responsible for anyone else's relationships. Your daughter's relationship with her father and vice versa is their relationship. It will be what it will be and you don't really have control over that. Concentrate on having a good relationship with your daughter.

take care and gentle hugs

Beachykeen

In my recovery my AB has noticed my change in behavior also. I have been accused of being cold and "changed" Well, I am changed but just more realistic and not so reactionary. Seems the more I grow in my own codependency recovery, the less I am able to tolerate from him. If only I could see some progress in his sobriety. Want to let go more and more each day. Crazy!!!

nowinsituation

What a trip down memory lane to see my post from two years ago!!! Lots has changed, and lots remains the same.

What's the same -- Starting this week my XAH has to be responsible for transporting our daughter to his house for visitation (I have always done this, because it was "on my way", but moved recently). Tried to call him (wouldn't return my calls), and mailed him a letter (wasn't sure if he got it), so finally sent it certified. He still wouldn't talk to me about it -- but told DD that he would "try" to see if he could work something out, and that he probably wouldn't be able to every week.....

But, DD and I talk about it, she's also has been in therapy for over a year. I don't like it that he is the way he is, but it's not my problem anymore. I accept it, and let him do (or not do) his own thing. DD is healthy and happy, and we have a great relationship and good communication.

And, I guess I still am cold.... LOL!