sojourner

i don't enable my AS, and he does not ask me to unless he's really desperate. He is actually very polite 98% of the time except when i tell him "no" to something akin to bailing him out. he does not live with me. he is suffering the consequences of his decisions and lives that on a daily basis (in squalor and poverty) and i am not heartbroken with that (although he acts like absolutely nothing is wrong). I have hope that he will eventually bottom out with this. the common ground we have right now is his dog which i'll help him with but try to keep a balance. i'm getting on with my life as much as one can with this whole "problem" in the background. i'm learning golf. i play softball. work is going well and keeps me busy. i have two other adult children with whom i have good relationship with. i go to 1 to 2 meetings a week.

Waiting is hard. i can get discouraged with that. During these lulls between crises, i second-guess everything that's going on and everything i've done or said. i have to fight the fear that my son will settle into this and be able to live like this for decades. It's easier during a crisis because then i can see that things are, indeed, getting ridiculously uncomfortable for my son and that maybe this is when he will hit that elusive bottom. But that does not happen here in the in-between times...

Anybody else experience this?

Lilyflower

(((((sojourner))))) I can imagine it must be hugely frustrating and heart wrenching waiting and hoping your son will find recovery.

I know folks will be along shortly who have been/are in the same place you are now. For me, as it was my bf that was addicted, I guess it was slightly easier to detach from his problem, i hope you find the strength and patience to wait this out.

Thinking of you and your son,

Lots of love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like your're doing well keeping your own life the focus.
Are you waiting "for the other shoe to drop" , because it usually does?
I know w/ my son his life doesn't get better, only worse as his addiction progresses.
It is definitely not easy for us parents when our child in an addict, no doubt abt. that.
We keep waiting for change...
We must strive to stay in the NOW and out of worry, fear and doubt.
Good for you to be taking up golf.

Bernadette

Hi Sojourner--

""i have to fight the fear that my son will settle into this and be able to live like this for decades."

I used to live in fear of my brothers dying in car accidents or killing other people while driving drunk. I seriously could not sleep for years because of this fear.

I found when I finally accepted this possibility it helped me let go of the anxiety. I had been going to AlAnon for few years and finally one night someone who also was dealing with sibs alcoholism said something to me that really clicked: "I have to accept that he is going to die from this, I have to completely accept this as a possibility."

I don't know why it affected me enough to change my thinking. But I went home that night devestated and just decided to accept instead of fear what was so unacceptable. It took a while but I no longer obsess about it - because I cannot control it. Short of killing them myself now, I cannot control whether they live or die by this disease. I can only mind my recovery and pray for them...acceptance instead of fear.

When my father hit bottom it was not after one of his worst crisis-creating episodes. It was to me, just a typical hungover day. I never could have predicted that would be the time he'd seek recovery, it was completely unexpected. But he said that's the day he just woke up and said, "Enough."

Peace,
B.