mrssez

ok so i have only posted here once before, if you would like to see my story it is on page 14 of this section sorry i dont no how to link to it

well we are now over a month on from that post and since then my husband has been seeing a counsellor weekly and seems to be going great. We had a setback last week when he admitted to me that it wasnt just speed he was doing but also meth (which i am very against, hence why i believe he didnt admit in the first place) but i wasnt surprised really and didnt really care so much i guess...

in any case hubby seems to be doing better than me. I am happy that he is getting help and things are fine between us otherwise but i cant stop thinking that he is still doing it, i know it could be my paranoia and mistrust (it probably is) but it makes me sick, i cant stand to be around him really when i have these thoughts...

i tried to call some relationship counselors today to book in an appointment for me but one put me on hold for ages so i hung up and the other said the phone call would take 10 to 15 mins.. i was on my mob and i cant call from work coz there is no privacy here so i feel **** about that too...

im just not sure where to go from here, it seems he is trying hard but i cant seem to let go of this anger and mistrust and im not sure if i can ever get the trust back...

for those that have gotten through this situation (and i hope there are many please!!!) how long does it take? what can i do to help this?

i understand everyones journey/situation is different just looking for some advice i guess..

thanks xx

SailorKaren

I'm posting a link for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1742967

It will take time for trust to return. And it will require that he consistently be where you expect him to be, doing what you expect him to do, and staying clean. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so he needs to build up a new, long history of good behavior before your trust will return. It can happen! But it would be good for you to develop additional ways of caring for yourself. He is getting help for that, and so can you. Please keep posting here and asking for help. Someone else will be by shortly to add their ideas and support. You so deserve a warm, caring, and soft place to land right now. Be gentle with yourself, feel your feelings, and know you don't have to act on them immediately. They will likely ebb and flow, and now may not be the best time to make huge decisions, unless you start to feel unsafe.

Karen

hope213

there is no time table on how long it will take for you to be able to trust your husband. it will take time as he & you both work your recovery. live into today, take it one day at a time. hands off the addict. let him work his program & you work yours. it works if you work it. prayers for both of you.

jerect

(((((((mrssez)))))))

I'm struggling with the whole trust thing right now too. Right now my AH is going to NA meetings, he has a sponsor and claims he is doing that he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. My guard is way up and it will be for a very very long time. When someone lies to you the way our addicts have, trust will not be in the equation for a very long time.

It bothers me that I can't trust my AH, it hurts that the one I love the most, I can't trust at all. But here lately, I have just come to accept the fact that I cannot trust him. It is what it is and it's one of the things I can't change right now. It's helped me react better when I'm feeling crazy and out of sorts.

As for paranoia, I know that friend all to well. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between paranoia and my gut. If that "somethings not right" feeling is still there after a few days then I know it's my gut talking to me. And I always, always go with my gut. This dosn't mean that I question my addict, that does no good because if he is guilty he is going to lie anyway. It means I'm aware of my reality and I'm sitting with my feelings and working on what I need to do for myself.

Counselors are good but I did not have the best of luck with mine. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is better. Sometimes an open AA or NA meeting can be quite insightful, too those have helped me understand the disease of addiction a lot better.

In the end, it takes patiance, it takes accepting the things you cannot change and it takes realizing that you need to be a part of the solution (taking care of you and your program) and not being part of the problem (enabeling, and controling)

mrssez

jerect, a question then, i like what u have said with the
"As for paranoia, I know that friend all to well. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between paranoia and my gut. If that "somethings not right" feeling is still there after a few days then I know it's my gut talking to me. And I always, always go with my gut. This dosn't mean that I question my addict, that does no good because if he is guilty he is going to lie anyway. It means I'm aware of my reality and I'm sitting with my feelings and working on what I need to do for myself."
if i set boundaries on what im willing to accept and him using again isnt one of them how do i work with this? because what u have said there makes so much sense to me...

jerect

I'm still struggling with boundries.. they are tough because once you set them you have to stick with them.

I have learned in the past few months to detatch myself from my AH's drug use, his recovery and him working his program. By doing this I'm not ignoring there is a problem I'm just accepting the fact that he is a drug addict and I'm putting his life, sobriety and recovery into my Higher Powers hands. Instead of focusing on my AH I'm focusing on what I can change about myself and how I react when the codie and paranoia monsters attack. I think this in itself is a boundry for me.

I know that giving AH an ultimatium or threatning him with leaving is not going to be the answer. Number one he is an addict and a person in active addiction does not care what your threats and accusations are, they just use it as a justification for continuing to use drugs. And Number two, the addict does not even realize nor understand that you do not trust them. They are so absorbed in there own selves that they are not even aware that they are hurting the ones that love them the most.

I have told my husband that him using drugs is unacceptable to me and that I do not want to ever find drugs or evidence of drug use in my house. He knows this and I have not found any drugs in my house for a long time. He keeps his stuff in his truck. Which is fine by me because my next boundry is to never ride in his truck with him nor drive his truck in case he is stopped by the police. He in turn is only allowed in my car when we are going somewhere together. I will not let him drive it to the store or let him borrow it.

I hope this answered your question, if not post some more cause there are people on this board that have had years of experiance with this stuff. I'm only dealing with a few months.

mrssez

for someone thats only been dealing with this a few months i think u have a lot of wisdom hun!

my gut feeling right now is telling me he is still using. I can admit it, i can deny it, i can cry about it, i can scream about it and he wont tell me the truth anyway........

i think at this point i really really need to see a relationship counselor for myself as my feelings are beginning to change from a few weeks ago when it was even fresher, when i first found out i realized just how strong my feelings were for him but now I'm starting to feel a bit...... distant? I'm not sure how to explain it but i think i am coming to terms with the fact that we may not actually be together our whole lives like i believed when we got married and i think i feel more of an individual now then 'one' with him...

At the end of the day i guess right now i just need to learn to separate myself from it like u said and see someone myself and i am going to suggest to him to start going to NA meetings and try to find a naranon for me and if all that doesnt improve anything i dont really know where we will go from there.

im willing to support him as long as he is trying but im not going to put up with this for years. i love him very much and if we dont stick it out together i no i will always love him but im 21 and this is not how i am going to live my life, i am ok if in 5 years I say to myself "yes my marriage had a very low point for quite a while, but we got through it and we are so much stronger and happier now" but im not ok with "my husband is an addict and always will be and we arent ever going to have children because of this"....

perhaps selfish but u only live once and if he cant and wont help himself im not going to go down with him... im still unsure of boundaries but i think if i have a plan then im getting somewhere i guess... xx

peaceteach

You sound good Keep those powerful thoughts in the forefront of your mind.

greeteachday

I don't believe that is selfish...I think you are finding self-care. If you can hang onto that feeling that you count and not get lost in his addiction, you will find your way regardless of what happens with his use.

As far as boundaries, it helped me to start small. I wasn't ready for if you use, you must leave; I knew I couldn't carry through with that. So I started with things that I knew I could not accept, and an outcome if the boundary was broken. If you are disrespectful to me, I will leave the room...if you do not call to say you will be late, do not come home until tomorrow... Just some examples, not necessarily suitable for your situation, but hopefully giving you some ideas to think about. You don't even have to articulate them to him if you don't want to, just make a promise to yourself about what you will not tolerate.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best.

frstnm

mrssez speed IS Meth - same thing

hello-kitty

Hi. Actually, I'm pretty sure meth is speed, but speed is a more generic street name and it comes in many forms besides meth - ie... cross tops, diet pills... you know what I mean. And meth comes in many forms too - crank, ice... etc etc. But addiction is addiction. And a boundary is a boundary.

mrssez

um yes i guess u are right frstnm maybe i should be a bit clearer, he was dumping or snorting speed and then i found out he was smoking meth... so much the same thing at the end of the day i suppose. just that whole pipe thing disgusts me but then so does snorting...it doesnt really matter either way anymore