Fear of the unknown
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Fear of the unknown
Hi Everyone, I haven't posted in quite a while but do read daily for words of wisdom and to feel the support you all so unselfishly give each other. To refresh you all my son, who is addicted to cocaine and went through rehab last summer ~~~~has detached himself from family. I am currently going to concouniling (sp))weekly (have been for almost a year) and trying to put my energies into myself and the rest of the family. I am now finding dealing with all this is soooooo difficult. Back to Chris (my son)~~He did wonderfully for a while. Lived with us for a month out of rehab, got his own apartment, bought all new furniture~worked~ attended meetings~~and stayed clean. He lived in an apartment house with 4 apartments. The others had older women in them and they seemed to be always complaining about Chris. Music to loud, TV to loud ect!! so he moved out and in with a friend closer to us. Reason being most of his work is in this area. I do know the friend does drink and that makes me queszy.....I do know Chris is working. (Owns his own roofing, siding, remodeling business)..BUT~~he never calls us anymore. I'm so afraid he's back to drugs and trying to hide the fact. OR~~~he just needs to detach and get his life back on track without relying on us. I feel so "thrown to the side" and at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I call him, ask him for dinner and try not to talk about his addiction or what. Does he need space away from family???? Makes me so nervous....I do know he relapsed a few weeks ago. I had to take him gas into Buffalo ~~and not a nice area either. I know I goofed with that one and have talked to my therapist and a freind that has been clean for years now. I met this friend through a NA meeting and he has kept in touch. My husband is retiring this year from teaching and I would love to entire this new phase of our lives with a smile but I'm so afraid of Chris's future and whats going to happen. His grandparents think he's doing just fine and I hate not being honest with them but their older and just don't need this heartache....Thanks all for letting me put my words down in writting. Smiles, Bonnie Parenthood is soooooo trying but I love this kid so much.....
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Bbd
We all fear the unknown; however, this is something we just cannot let ourselves think about because it serves no purpose. Besides, we can't go around living in fear all the time.
Guess all we can do is pray and hope that they are making good choices. If not, what in the world can we do for them that we haven't already tried and tried again???
There comes a time when they have got to get responsible for themselves. That includes making sure they have enough gas in their cars.
Why is it we never hear from them when things are going well, only when they need help?? HMMMM?
I'm not scolding you for bringing him gas, because God knows I would have been Johnny at the rat hole if my son needed something. I'm just saying that we have got to learn that they are all grown up and will do exactly what they want to do.
If he did relapse, he can start again when he is ready.
Remember one thing, no news, is good news! Enjoy your retirement, Chris' future is in his hands, not yours. You can only live your life, not his!
Hugs & Prayers,
Devastated
Guess all we can do is pray and hope that they are making good choices. If not, what in the world can we do for them that we haven't already tried and tried again???
There comes a time when they have got to get responsible for themselves. That includes making sure they have enough gas in their cars.
Why is it we never hear from them when things are going well, only when they need help?? HMMMM?
I'm not scolding you for bringing him gas, because God knows I would have been Johnny at the rat hole if my son needed something. I'm just saying that we have got to learn that they are all grown up and will do exactly what they want to do.
If he did relapse, he can start again when he is ready.
Remember one thing, no news, is good news! Enjoy your retirement, Chris' future is in his hands, not yours. You can only live your life, not his!
Hugs & Prayers,
Devastated
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I have to force myself on many occassion to assume everything is right, unless I KNOW its wrong.
I can't tell you the countless hours, days, weeks that I spent worrying abut what-ifs and the unknown. The only thing that accomplished was to waste what could have been a good day.
Prayers for peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
I can't tell you the countless hours, days, weeks that I spent worrying abut what-ifs and the unknown. The only thing that accomplished was to waste what could have been a good day.
Prayers for peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
(((((((([BBD))))))))))))))Hugs to you Momma.
You said it all. We have to let them find their way...to a point.
Any time my son became estranged it always meant the same thing...addiction progressing.
Even when he couldn't stay connected, I always have. I'd pop in, call and nudge him to come for Christmas, etc. Don't be shy abt staying connected. I will believe in my son
until he can believe in himself. Don't let your son become lost from you.
That being said, I also have to know when to detach emotionally for my own recovery.
I recognize when I am too preoccupied w/ his life, his addiction, his wreckage and I do what I need to do to keep my primary focus on myself.
My son is in his 3rd rehab at this time. His disease + depression was getting so bad
death may very well have been his fate, by his own admission. I intervened over and over for one yr. to get him to relent to treatment. I am powerless over his addiction,
but as his mom I can't stand by and watch him kill himself.
Mothering a grown addict is a balancing act.
good luck to you as you strike a balance to do what is BEST FOR YOU, and while staying involved in your son's life.
You said it all. We have to let them find their way...to a point.
Any time my son became estranged it always meant the same thing...addiction progressing.
Even when he couldn't stay connected, I always have. I'd pop in, call and nudge him to come for Christmas, etc. Don't be shy abt staying connected. I will believe in my son
until he can believe in himself. Don't let your son become lost from you.
That being said, I also have to know when to detach emotionally for my own recovery.
I recognize when I am too preoccupied w/ his life, his addiction, his wreckage and I do what I need to do to keep my primary focus on myself.
My son is in his 3rd rehab at this time. His disease + depression was getting so bad
death may very well have been his fate, by his own admission. I intervened over and over for one yr. to get him to relent to treatment. I am powerless over his addiction,
but as his mom I can't stand by and watch him kill himself.
Mothering a grown addict is a balancing act.
good luck to you as you strike a balance to do what is BEST FOR YOU, and while staying involved in your son's life.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Bonnie, so glad to see you post, I often think of you and wonder how you are doing...
I feel you....I have been at 'this' for 8 years with my AD..
I have done the codie work, the detaching with love but recently reached a new level of understanding in my heart, head's been there a while...
my daughter wants a relationship with her mom but does not want to stop using and wants me to be in as much denial as she is ....
she recently announced that she was going to stop using, even told her friends..had me thinking that this the start of something good
, pulls ya right back in...
I think she 'wants to' but is not ready to commit...It lasted 4 days and her behavior was all about the drink and made me see so clearly how far she has to go....my heart is finally ready to accept what my head already knew....she will stop when she is ready, not a minute before...she may lose her job, her apt, be back on the street before that happens....and there is NOTHING I can say or do to change that......I am back to step one in a really profound way...
For me this has been really freeing, because I have disconnected in a way that is truly accepting on the heart level. ...I know she isn't there yet and her consequences are her own and they REALLY need to be if she is ever going to get it because right now she doesn't .
Her wanting to have a close relationship with her mom with that big elephant in the room was the problem for me and I realized I needed to really step away from her life (I am a single parent and she is an only child, dad is not in her life). Time to REALLY cut the apron strings..
Bonnie, I know how much of a torture this is, and I know how much you adore that young man, but he has to live his life and your worrying about it won't change much except your state of health and well being..
I know how hard this is, sending you mom hugs and prayers,
grateful
I feel you....I have been at 'this' for 8 years with my AD..
I have done the codie work, the detaching with love but recently reached a new level of understanding in my heart, head's been there a while...
my daughter wants a relationship with her mom but does not want to stop using and wants me to be in as much denial as she is ....
she recently announced that she was going to stop using, even told her friends..had me thinking that this the start of something good
, pulls ya right back in...I think she 'wants to' but is not ready to commit...It lasted 4 days and her behavior was all about the drink and made me see so clearly how far she has to go....my heart is finally ready to accept what my head already knew....she will stop when she is ready, not a minute before...she may lose her job, her apt, be back on the street before that happens....and there is NOTHING I can say or do to change that......I am back to step one in a really profound way...
For me this has been really freeing, because I have disconnected in a way that is truly accepting on the heart level. ...I know she isn't there yet and her consequences are her own and they REALLY need to be if she is ever going to get it because right now she doesn't .
Her wanting to have a close relationship with her mom with that big elephant in the room was the problem for me and I realized I needed to really step away from her life (I am a single parent and she is an only child, dad is not in her life). Time to REALLY cut the apron strings..
Bonnie, I know how much of a torture this is, and I know how much you adore that young man, but he has to live his life and your worrying about it won't change much except your state of health and well being..
I know how hard this is, sending you mom hugs and prayers,
grateful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Oh Ladies~Your all so wonderful. I guess as spirital Seeker said~~~the addiction may be progressing. I know he has to want recovery~~but in my heart I wonder if theres one step I haven't taken and thats intervention. I was so convinced that Chris wanted to be clean of all the drugs and horrible roads it took him down. Cece~~i DO WORRY THE DAY AWAY ALOT. My therapist has me stopping the minute I think of Chris and getting up and doing something productive..its damn hard. (excuse me)). And Grateful~~~I know I have two bodies in one. My heart and my head just can't get it together.Being a single parent with one child has to be so hard..My heart goes out to you sweety. Is there a reason we were chosen to have chrilden with the diseases they carry?? Thanks so much everyone and I will give him a bit of time but soon I will get ahold of him. With the Memorial Week-end coming up and my older son having a picnic~~~~I'm sure Chris has been invited. As a matter of fact~~~~I'm going to find that out right now.....XXxxx
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