CarolinaGirl

Quick intro.

I am 35 husband is 44. We have been married for 3 1/2 years and have a 18month old daughter. He drinks on the weekends. He has worked the same job for 18 years. But when he is drunk, he is so horrible to mean, verbelly and physically. Last july (2007) he was arrested for DUI for the 5th time (over 22 years) His attorney advised him that he could recieve 30 days - 6 months in jail. So they worked out a deal that if he checked into rehab for 30 days then it would be all the "time" he would have to do, and judge would call it "time served". In February (2008) I took the baby and moved out. Today (about 1 hour ago) he finially checked in to Cornerstone of Recovery. But he is only going to avoid jail time, and does NOT think that he has a problem, even though I believe that he does! I told him that I would not even think about moving home or being with him again until after he finishes his rehab. There is a big part of me that doesn't even want to go home then.

So my question is...If he went in thinking that he doesn't need help, and he doesn't have a drinking problem, will this program even work for him? How will I know if this is "for real"? If he is only doing his time, is it possible that it could still be an eye opener for him? I don't even want to go there, and I will NOT take my daughter there! Is that wrong? I am worried about him, and I don't want him to be unhappy, but he never cared about my happiness! He would go to work on Friday and then a lot of times he didn't come home until Sunday. Not even a phone call. Many times I found him "partying" in the bar with his "friends" sometimes I never found him at all. So many weekends were about driving around all weekend trying to find him. I never want to live like that again! How do I forgive him? So much pain, and he always had some excuse, and he loved to somehow blame it all on me! His favorite thing was to call me "crazy" am I? It wasn't until I left that he "acted" like he wanted to be with me. He can be so wonderful sometimes, and the biggest monster other times! Can a person who only drinks on the weekends still be an alcoholic? Why does he have a need to be in bars like he is 21 and single? When do I say enough is enough. I though I did that when I moved out, but then he was able to get back into my head, and think just maybe he will change this time. Will he?

HELP! I am so lost! I don't know what to do! I want to do the right thing for me and my daughter! But how do I know that it will change! His friends are already planning a Welcome Home "Party" @ a bar! Give me a break! Could rehab help even if he doesn't think he needs help!

Sorry so long, I am just to LOST! SOS...Please Help!

LaTeeDa

So why do you have to do anything RIGHT NOW? Why not wait and see what happens. If it were me, I would wait at least 6 months AFTER he gets out of rehab to see if he is really serious about staying sober. By then, it will probably be obvious if he will or won't, don't you think?

I've learned that whenever I don't know what to do, it's best to do nothing. Wait and see.

L

Spiritual Seeker

Part of being w/ an addict is the C0-Dependency that you as the wife develop, or had all along. By reading your post it is clear a lot of your focus is on him. "I don't want him to be unhappy, but he never cared about my happiness! " Clear sign your relationship is out of balance.Take a holiday from worrying abt. him
Focus on only you and your baby for these 30 days.
Decided a plan of what you will do if he returns to addiction after rehab./what you will do if he doesn't. Enjoy the 30 days to not have " the biggest monster " around .

Set your boundaries. As he progresses through rehab and family counseling arrives let him know what they are.

Live w/o the stress of him for 30 days and see what it feels like.
Don't worry abt the future. Stay focused on the NOW and what you can do now
to make your life better and love love love to the baby.
Reach out to others who have walked in your path.

suki44883

Welcome to SR CarolinaGirl! There is a wealth of wisdom and support here. As to whether or not your husband will "get anything out of rehab," no one knows. Possibly, but also possibly not. However, the thing about your post that most stood out in my mind was the fact that you said he was physically mean. Does that mean he hits you? Shoves you? Holds you down? Regardless, if he is physical with you, I would not, under any circumstances move back in with him. You have an 18 month old daughter to consider, and she should not have to live in a situation like that. That's just MHO, but I'll bet a few other people here will say pretty much the same thing.

Prayers going out to you.

Kindeyes

CG
The recovery center that your husband is going to has a family program. They are there to help you begin your own recovery as well as to help you understand what you have been going through. Take advantage of it! Those sessions are for you.

While my son was in inpatient treatment, my husband and I attended all of the family meetings. The women who were married to alcoholics/addicts broke my heart. They were in there trying to figure out if they were going to stay in the marriage or not. I know that the counseling helped me and I feel pretty certain that it helped them too.

Will treatment work when someone goes to avoid jail? Who knows. It's up to the individual. The environment he is in will be good for him. He can't drink. He can't blow smoke up the butts of the counselors.....they know all the tricks.

While he is in there.......concentrate on YOU and your child. Experience what it feels like NOT to have to live with him. And lean on those counselors in his treatment facility. They've been through this hundreds of times with the spouses of alcoholics. They understand what you need. They will help you so that you don't feel so lost.

And keep coming here. There are a lot of folks who have walked in your shoes and survived.

gentle hugs

justjo

Hi, sorry to hear that you are going through this. If your husband doesnt see he has a problem, I would suggest NO, its not his time right now.
As hard as it is, the thoughts you are having, are simply thoughts, reactions to what has happened, what could be, what might...
Be strong and think about what you want and whether your husband is going to be the right person alongside of you right now. Im not saying leave, do this or that. But you will tear yourself apart traumatising over the unknown. Right now, consider what you have to do to be safe and happy with your child. You have already said that he is a monster, you dont like to be around whilst drinking, he wont change.
When we love someone, we tend to put up with alot, simply because we are just as scared as they are but at the end of the day it depends on how much crap you are prepared to put up with. We all have our tolerance levels, so if you are willing to play the waiting game and wait and see, do it. Search deep inside your heart and you will find the answers. I say, go with your gut feeling.
Good Luck JJ

Pajarito

(((CG))) Like the others I agree that you don't have to do anything about him. Just take care of yourself and your child. Try spending 30 days just being with yourself and dd- love her, love life without AH's chaos. Get back to discovering who you are when you aren't dealing with him, looking for him, waiting for him. Live your life for you and the answers will come. Being ramped up, scared, etc. won't solve a thing. Being in the moment- enjoying your dd and the peace you have- even for 30 days- will be eye-opening. There's nothing you can do for AH. If he is serious about recovery he will get something out of it. If he's not- he won't. Then you can decide- after treating yourself to 30 days of serenity and daughter/mom bonding. It's only 30 days- take care of you.