foregoodreasons

Well it happened. The A-BIL got busted for his 2nd DUI. He's probably going to lose his CDL (for life) which means he needs to find a different job. He continues to drink (according to SIL).

I'm sure no one remembers my story so I'll try to summarize.

My W owns 2 horses which she keeps at her sisters. My W is good friends (as am I) with ABIL. My W spends nearly every other Saturday at her sisters (1.5 hours away) riding and tending to the horses with her sister. Her sister works weird hours and on the days my W stays overnight at her sisters she is, sometimes, alone in the house with ABIL.

Mind you there is no affair going on. My W and I have a good M (work in progress like all are) and we love each other dearly. My W is concerned about ABIL and of course her sister. So she gives BIL attention.

He currently drives truck (for a liquor distributor, how sad is that?). He's never attempted recovery except to say he's going to cut back. His route brings him by our home where he stops and visits with my W, our kids and the daycare kids my W is watching.

I tell you these things because I'm concerned. I don't trust BIL because he is an A. I question what he might do when he's tanked. Typical of As he has black outs when he drinks enough. Of course when he's tanked he confides in his W and my W that he knows he has a problem and can't quit. Sorry I'm getting off track.

I know there are some typical behaviors of many an A. One is flirting and needing attention from the opp sex. My SIL and BIL don't have a great M. She went kind of cold on him long before he began drinking heavily and they do little to nothing together (much of that has to do with his current drinking).

Anyways I don't trust him and I'm concerned because my W does pay attention to him and give him admiration when he helps them out in the barn and what not. Lately he's been doing different things ... like he dropped off a work shirt at our home and ask my W if she would mend it for him. The next week he had another one. Now his W isn't domestic and mine is so I'm sure this could be nothing more than asking for a favor ... but still ... I just don't trust him anymore.

How concerned would you be? And what can I do in an effort to remain detached from the Aism yet protect what I feel may be threatened?

Kindeyes

Personally, I would listen to my gut instinct.

foregoodreasons

OK. Trust my gut.

And then what? I've already expressed my concern to my W. It seems it's my burden to bear in her eyes.

lexusgirl

I agree with what anvil said. It sounds dysfunctional and very inappropriate. Although some may not see it that way as their morals and values are quite distorted.

My xabf's had some "odd" relationships with his friend's son to be wife. I found old texts from them talking dirty to one another. This was a month prior to us dating, but still it made me questions his values and morals. I thought it was quite disgusting.

I look back now and wish I would have gone with my gut and saw the red flags. Although he said "It was before you and I." Doesn't matter.

wooforever

I would follow your gut. I would tell your W not to support the ABIL. I would talk to the ABIL and tell him to stop bothering your W with things he needs to do on his own. I would hope your W has enough respect for you to stop helping the ABIL. If not maybe you should not trust her either.

Rella927

IMHO....I would go with my gutt it has yet to fail me. I use to ignore it and today I learned that it was and is always right!

Sit down and talk to her and let her know how you feel-IMHO the ABIL is the sisters problem not your wife's or yours! Try to nip it in the bud before it becomes to out of hand.

Good luck

i4getsm

As with all things, figure out your boundaries. They aren't just for A's. They are for anyone we have a relationship with. What is it specifically that you don't want your wife to be doing for ABIL? I think you're right to be concerned. It sounds like she is investing time and emotion in someone else. If you have a good marriage, out of respect for you, your wife should be willing to meet your boundaries. It's not a matter of being defensive. It should be a natural part of any "normal" marriage.

Is it possible for you to go with her on her trips? Maybe making yourself more available when they are likely to be around each other would make you more comfortable and see your wife's perspective?

foregoodreasons

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I need to clarify things a little more.

It isn't so much that my W is stepping over any boundaries that I have. I do trust her and as I mentioned we have a pretty decent M. And yes I realize that she is enabling this ABIL. Their family has a history of being enabling. Their father drank everyday and I hazard to guess he was an A as well. Sorry to say he died from respitory failures quite a few years ago. As a whole neither her mother, her sister, her brother or her did anything to curb his drinking. As a matter of fact my W would occasionally join him for his morning beers at this local pub stop (she'd drink pop).

My W is aware she can't help the BIL stop drinking ... but that doesn't stop her from trying when he begins his confessions of not knowing what to do. She still tries to convince him to simply quit.

I have no issues with my W doing things for the BIL. What I have a fear of is what he'll do while he's in one of his drunken stupors. I trust my W and she continually communicates all of her interactions with him to me ... she's completely accountable and open regarding her interactions with him.

I shouldn't worry because he is a decent guy. He's very giving and tries to be helpful when asked. When it comes to my family he can be responsible when he needs to be.

On Friday night we asked her sister to watch our kids while we went to dinner. It is the 1st time she said yes. Well the BIL helped take care of the kids along with her and he didn't drink and he entertained the kids. That says a lot because he normally gets drunk every day.

I guess my fear is this unknown ... this guy he becomes when he's drinking. His father is a flirtatious jerk who makes all kinds of inappropriate comments to women. His father is his best friend ... he was even his Best Man when he married my SIL. I fear the BIL may behave this way himself when he's under the influence.

I'm not sure what to do about my fears. I can't always follow my W wherever she goes. I have to trust that she will deter any inappropriate behavior. She needs some time to persue her hobbies and, right now, circumstance has it that she needs to go to her sister's to have her alone-time fun ... with her sister. Most of the time he's off fishing or hunting.

As far as him dropping off stuff at our home ... well he's going to lose his CDL which means he'll lose his job which means he wont' have any reason for being around our home anymore.

I really struggle trying to squash my insecurities and fears. I know nothing will happen. I have no reason to believe my W would cross a line. It would hurt too many people and I know she's disgusted and even a little angry with the BIL for the way he's conducting his life as her sister's husband. But I can't help think how ugly things will get should he decide to try to cross that line. I'm sure he'll be way toasted if he ever tries anything and he'll deny it because he won't remember it. I fear I'll have to tell my W she can't go to her sister's if he's going to be there. This time she spends there is very important to her. She gets a lot of enjoyment out of it.

I just wish he'd hurry up and hit his bottom so he can begin recovery.

LaTeeDa

You may think that this is all about your brother-in-law and your wife, but it's really all about you. You can't control the BIL, and even though you alluded to possibly "having to" tell your wife she can't go over there, you can't control her either. You seem to be consumed with fear and worry over some future event that may never even happen. And, even if it were to happen, how would all this worry make it better?

All you can do is be open and honest with your wife, and let it go. Whatever happens will happen regardless of how much you worry or not.

I live in an 80-year-old house. There is always something breaking or just needing repair. I could choose to spend all my time fretting and worrying about what the next thing will be, how much it will cost, who will I call to fix it, what if I can't afford it, etc. But that wouldn't change what happens. Instead I choose to love my old house and enjoy it every day. When something goes wrong, I deal with it at the time the best I can. Makes life much more enjoyable.

L

foregoodreasons

Mini update:

Just wanted to let you all know that I took the good advice given here and communicated my concerns one last time with my wife and then let it go.

During that time I focused my time and energy on our relationship and continued to try to make our marriage an extremely attractive one.

A-BIL did lose his job. He plead guilty to his DUI and despite the courts allowing him to keep his license and CDL until October (final sentencing) his company's insurance carrier found out about the guilty plea and dropped him from their coverage. NO INSURANCE, NO JOB.

Despite knowing the future sees my SIL calling due to new financial difficulties I am not going to concern myself with that issue until that call arrives.

When the time comes I will have a open and honest conversation with my wife about the boundaries I have concerning A-BIL and SIL. I will not become a part of the enabling behaviors that run rampant in their family (alcohol related or not).

Thanks for everyone's sound and sage advice.