Moved out, but still feel damaged
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
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Moved out, but still feel damaged
So yeah, as I said above. We've spent my first week in our own apartment, but I still feel damaged, ruined or like damaged goods!
Not even sure where to post this – it's always been under f&f of a's, now I suppose f&f of substance abusers would be better suited.
Since my move, my mother has become intensely depressed. My father has been sober (if that's the truth) for about a month now, but my mother has started to drink too many prescription pills like sleeping pills or calming pills which put her on a trip. When I speak to her she sounds so gloom. My brother was the one that became the depressed body hovering around the house. Now it's both of them.
Maybe I am being very harsh – but it's only been a week, I do not have the time or patience or tears they need from me yet. I need my own recovery before I can even start to help them feel better about themselves! For about 8 years on & off, medium to really bad times I've been there. Now that I'm out, they constantly make me feel guilty for leaving them behind.
My dad sent me a long email about their lives now – about how they miss us a lot. About work opportunities coming their way. About my mom & that I need to call her. About how sorry he is for all the things he's said and done over the years! My hearts steel walls & guns are still too high and strong to be affected by this! Am I being too hard on them? Over the years I've built this high wall to protect myself. Now, even I struggle to take it down...
Then, to make everything worse, my bf & I are constantly in each other's hair. We are quibbling about small rubbish. We're so annoyed with each other – WHY? This is supposed to be such a happy time for us. We've been dreaming about this time!!! Now I've become the b***c and he's an a**h***!!!! Is it just because we're new to this? We're both a little on edge? Because we basically already lived together (just not alone), but both of us know we still love each other. So it's not like we suddenly realize that we're not compatible....I just don't know what to do!
I'll think about it during the day, then say “ok, just sort yourself out, be nice and friendly to him, forgive your family now & friggin be happy you stupid idiot – this IS what you wanted”, but then I get angry at the smallest things, or I can't forgive...
Pls help, how can I fix this? I know what I need to do, but doing it is my problem. I want to, then something else happens to make it all worse. Anybody out there understand what I'm on about?
Not even sure where to post this – it's always been under f&f of a's, now I suppose f&f of substance abusers would be better suited.
Since my move, my mother has become intensely depressed. My father has been sober (if that's the truth) for about a month now, but my mother has started to drink too many prescription pills like sleeping pills or calming pills which put her on a trip. When I speak to her she sounds so gloom. My brother was the one that became the depressed body hovering around the house. Now it's both of them.
Maybe I am being very harsh – but it's only been a week, I do not have the time or patience or tears they need from me yet. I need my own recovery before I can even start to help them feel better about themselves! For about 8 years on & off, medium to really bad times I've been there. Now that I'm out, they constantly make me feel guilty for leaving them behind.
My dad sent me a long email about their lives now – about how they miss us a lot. About work opportunities coming their way. About my mom & that I need to call her. About how sorry he is for all the things he's said and done over the years! My hearts steel walls & guns are still too high and strong to be affected by this! Am I being too hard on them? Over the years I've built this high wall to protect myself. Now, even I struggle to take it down...
Then, to make everything worse, my bf & I are constantly in each other's hair. We are quibbling about small rubbish. We're so annoyed with each other – WHY? This is supposed to be such a happy time for us. We've been dreaming about this time!!! Now I've become the b***c and he's an a**h***!!!! Is it just because we're new to this? We're both a little on edge? Because we basically already lived together (just not alone), but both of us know we still love each other. So it's not like we suddenly realize that we're not compatible....I just don't know what to do!
I'll think about it during the day, then say “ok, just sort yourself out, be nice and friendly to him, forgive your family now & friggin be happy you stupid idiot – this IS what you wanted”, but then I get angry at the smallest things, or I can't forgive...
Pls help, how can I fix this? I know what I need to do, but doing it is my problem. I want to, then something else happens to make it all worse. Anybody out there understand what I'm on about?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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I just wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything - meaning my angry feelings towards my family and bf.
I wish I could just be happy! I suppose I'm angry because I have to deal with all their problems. They look to me to solve their issues. I can't! I'm struggling to hold myself together, now they call me up with those depressed voices - feeling sorry for themselves.
I just want to be happy. And it's like the harder I try, the less I get what I want. It's easy for me to assess other's situations, but when I'm in it myself - I'm clueless as to what to do to just try to live a normal life. I wasn't expecting a new life full of butterflies & rainbows, just not so full of sadness...
I wish I could just be happy! I suppose I'm angry because I have to deal with all their problems. They look to me to solve their issues. I can't! I'm struggling to hold myself together, now they call me up with those depressed voices - feeling sorry for themselves.
I just want to be happy. And it's like the harder I try, the less I get what I want. It's easy for me to assess other's situations, but when I'm in it myself - I'm clueless as to what to do to just try to live a normal life. I wasn't expecting a new life full of butterflies & rainbows, just not so full of sadness...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Laan--
How are you today?
There is a lot of pain in your voice - and I've been following your posts and am so happy for you that you've moved out and have a new perspective.
But maybe you're in denial about HOW MUCH and HOW DEEPLY this dynamic that you grew up with has affected you. You have all these residual feelings of guilt, anger, resentment....and I'm guessing (since I grew up in a whacked out alcoholic family too!) that you didn't have very good role models to teach you how to manage the tough stuff in life! This "stuff" doesn't just go away!
Have you looked into getting some counseling or going to AlAnon? I know you were looking for AlAnon meetings - did you have any luck? It is very hard to do this alone!
We are almost as sick and twisted as the addict if we love them and have been living in their orbit for any length of time. What do we say to the addict? "Get help!" And they usually tell us - no they don't need help, they can do it alone, they don't like this counselor or that counselor or they don't "click" with the meetings etc and etc and nothing changes right??
So try to see it the same way - the things you're dealing with are heavy and tenacious. My reaction is "Get help!!" With even 6 months of hard work through therapy or AlAnon you can start building the new Laan - the person who is moving towards the life she needs and wants and the person who is able to let go of the guilt, resentment, and ANGER!!
Seek local help. Find local help. Accept help!!! And then with work you'll make great strides. You've already made the big step of moving out, but you see how your family situation has still got a hold of you. It doesn't have to be this way.
Peace and good luck to you!
B.
How are you today?
There is a lot of pain in your voice - and I've been following your posts and am so happy for you that you've moved out and have a new perspective.
But maybe you're in denial about HOW MUCH and HOW DEEPLY this dynamic that you grew up with has affected you. You have all these residual feelings of guilt, anger, resentment....and I'm guessing (since I grew up in a whacked out alcoholic family too!) that you didn't have very good role models to teach you how to manage the tough stuff in life! This "stuff" doesn't just go away!
Have you looked into getting some counseling or going to AlAnon? I know you were looking for AlAnon meetings - did you have any luck? It is very hard to do this alone!
We are almost as sick and twisted as the addict if we love them and have been living in their orbit for any length of time. What do we say to the addict? "Get help!" And they usually tell us - no they don't need help, they can do it alone, they don't like this counselor or that counselor or they don't "click" with the meetings etc and etc and nothing changes right??
So try to see it the same way - the things you're dealing with are heavy and tenacious. My reaction is "Get help!!" With even 6 months of hard work through therapy or AlAnon you can start building the new Laan - the person who is moving towards the life she needs and wants and the person who is able to let go of the guilt, resentment, and ANGER!!
Seek local help. Find local help. Accept help!!! And then with work you'll make great strides. You've already made the big step of moving out, but you see how your family situation has still got a hold of you. It doesn't have to be this way.
Peace and good luck to you!
B.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Thanks Bernadette,
Your right - it's really hard doing it alone. Haven't found al-anon yet. Did closer to my previous place, but now I've got no own transport. Driving with bf & he doesn't quite understand why I'd need something like that.
I think your right in saying my family's situation is still affecting me. Bf and I had another fight - went to sleep without even saying goodnight. I hate that and he knows it. He can be very stubborn sometimes - he was brought up with tough love, so that's what he believes in. He doesn't understand that that's the last thing I want sometimes.
I'm gonna be really nice when he picks me up now - if his test went well, then we'll probably be fine, otherwise it'll be another lonely night in a place that should be the best time of my life.
Thanks for the support B!
Your right - it's really hard doing it alone. Haven't found al-anon yet. Did closer to my previous place, but now I've got no own transport. Driving with bf & he doesn't quite understand why I'd need something like that.
I think your right in saying my family's situation is still affecting me. Bf and I had another fight - went to sleep without even saying goodnight. I hate that and he knows it. He can be very stubborn sometimes - he was brought up with tough love, so that's what he believes in. He doesn't understand that that's the last thing I want sometimes.
I'm gonna be really nice when he picks me up now - if his test went well, then we'll probably be fine, otherwise it'll be another lonely night in a place that should be the best time of my life.
Thanks for the support B!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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((((Laan)))))
I think it is a common character trait for people who are codependent to want to fix everything immediately and have a happily ever lasting. I know I was that way. After 2 years of really working a program hard, I have come to the understanding that change is gradual and that I must keep focusing on myself, delving into who I am and the baggage I carry in order to find the peace and serenity I want. The good news is that now I welcome the slower pace of the journey and I can look back and see how far I have come. Yes, I still face challenges and feel guilt and want to fix sometimes, but I can step back and recover much quicker than before.
You sound filled with stress about all that is going on around you...it is no wonder you and your BF are tense with each other. Perhaps you can try to focus just on being gentle and nurturing to yourself and not worrying about calls and emails for now. An "I love you but I need some quiet time right now" may assure your family you care but you need to take care of yourself. Selfcare helps us gather strength and serenity and that impacts every aspect of our lives.
I think it is a common character trait for people who are codependent to want to fix everything immediately and have a happily ever lasting. I know I was that way. After 2 years of really working a program hard, I have come to the understanding that change is gradual and that I must keep focusing on myself, delving into who I am and the baggage I carry in order to find the peace and serenity I want. The good news is that now I welcome the slower pace of the journey and I can look back and see how far I have come. Yes, I still face challenges and feel guilt and want to fix sometimes, but I can step back and recover much quicker than before.
You sound filled with stress about all that is going on around you...it is no wonder you and your BF are tense with each other. Perhaps you can try to focus just on being gentle and nurturing to yourself and not worrying about calls and emails for now. An "I love you but I need some quiet time right now" may assure your family you care but you need to take care of yourself. Selfcare helps us gather strength and serenity and that impacts every aspect of our lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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I read some of your earlier posts to get a better idea of where you're coming from.
Maybe the reason why you're so angry and sad is because you're finally in a safe enough environment to feel the things you've kept bottled up. When we're in survival mode, and it sounds like you've been there a lifetime, we usually suppress our emotions because we're so busy clawing our way out.
It's going to take a while before you can finally relax and unfortunately it means more work on your part. Your escaped and that was the first part, but now you have to heal. Give yourself time!
If you have no real problems with your boyfriend, try to remember he's not the enemy. You're so used to fighting for your sanity that not having to do it may be a real shock to your system.
There are so many behaviors you've learned as a means for survival and now you have to learn to put them aside. That's never an easy thing to do!
Keep coming back and rant and rave all you need to. It's like steam that has built up... it needs a release.
Prayers for your serenity.
Maybe the reason why you're so angry and sad is because you're finally in a safe enough environment to feel the things you've kept bottled up. When we're in survival mode, and it sounds like you've been there a lifetime, we usually suppress our emotions because we're so busy clawing our way out.
It's going to take a while before you can finally relax and unfortunately it means more work on your part. Your escaped and that was the first part, but now you have to heal. Give yourself time!
If you have no real problems with your boyfriend, try to remember he's not the enemy. You're so used to fighting for your sanity that not having to do it may be a real shock to your system.
There are so many behaviors you've learned as a means for survival and now you have to learn to put them aside. That's never an easy thing to do!
Keep coming back and rant and rave all you need to. It's like steam that has built up... it needs a release.
Prayers for your serenity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Thank you all again!
I love being able to come pour my feelings out here - knowing others would understand. Sometimes I go home, feeling nothing helped, but then I'd catch myself - like last night, while cooking, my emotions boiling like the food at something else my bf said/did, then I remembered something someone mentioned to me - about healing & patience (lots more, but specifically that) & strange enough - I could totally calm myself!
We were still a little edgy, so I took some time after all the chores to take my bratty dog (she was growling to me @ the gate to go for a walk) when I was staring at the setting sun - thinking "how many times haven't I run from the house to escape my parents' shouting, things breaking or just not to see them passed out (him from booze, her from sleeping pills) Now, I was standing there in a quiet place, peaceful & without that cold knot in my stomach & I broke down in tears - right there & then.
I really just hope we can be patient enough to get through these trying times. I am looking forward to go home - MY home, where there are no physically, emotionally and verbally abusive addicts to depress me. Sorry to anyone reading this who might be struggling with similar issues (I mean like the addict themselves), I don't have anything against someone like that, just my family, that would choose their addictions above their family.
I hope I haven't become one of those ppl who have had a chance for happiness, but know only fear & sorrow, so then create only that in their lives. It's like Chino says - that's what I've learned to do to survive. I still need to learn to not act that way with the one person that really cares for me, the one that stuck through it all - just to end up under my attack when he takes me away from them. I know I can't expect everything fixed immediately. I can only hope that I can take what I learned & make it positive...here's hoping
I love being able to come pour my feelings out here - knowing others would understand. Sometimes I go home, feeling nothing helped, but then I'd catch myself - like last night, while cooking, my emotions boiling like the food at something else my bf said/did, then I remembered something someone mentioned to me - about healing & patience (lots more, but specifically that) & strange enough - I could totally calm myself!
We were still a little edgy, so I took some time after all the chores to take my bratty dog (she was growling to me @ the gate to go for a walk) when I was staring at the setting sun - thinking "how many times haven't I run from the house to escape my parents' shouting, things breaking or just not to see them passed out (him from booze, her from sleeping pills) Now, I was standing there in a quiet place, peaceful & without that cold knot in my stomach & I broke down in tears - right there & then.
I really just hope we can be patient enough to get through these trying times. I am looking forward to go home - MY home, where there are no physically, emotionally and verbally abusive addicts to depress me. Sorry to anyone reading this who might be struggling with similar issues (I mean like the addict themselves), I don't have anything against someone like that, just my family, that would choose their addictions above their family.
I hope I haven't become one of those ppl who have had a chance for happiness, but know only fear & sorrow, so then create only that in their lives. It's like Chino says - that's what I've learned to do to survive. I still need to learn to not act that way with the one person that really cares for me, the one that stuck through it all - just to end up under my attack when he takes me away from them. I know I can't expect everything fixed immediately. I can only hope that I can take what I learned & make it positive...here's hoping
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Laan 
I hope I haven't become one of those ppl who have had a chance for happiness, but know only fear & sorrow, so then create only that in their lives.
Wishing you lots of beautiful sunsets and sunrises
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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"Now, I was standing there in a quiet place, peaceful & without that cold knot in my stomach & I broke down in tears - right there & then."
OMG this made me cry.
Because I can remember these very same feelings - these very moments. Like all the sick twisted tension I had been holding onto as a teenager in an alcoholic household just went away when I left my hometown and got away from crazy family for the first time.
I think it is a sign that you will NOT become one of those miserable people you described! You know, everyone always says - life is short- I'm actually from the life is long school - I mean what are you gonna do that is longer??
These feelings, attitudes, dynamics, that you learned growing up WILL give way to new patterns if you do the work. But not overnight- and not just beccause you have changed geographically. Slowly slowly, if you give it as much attention as all that family drama demanded, you can transform even the worst of your past into fuel for your brighter peaceful future!
It's great you are self-aware - and don't be too hard on yourself- trust the process of life...
Peace,
B.
OMG this made me cry.
Because I can remember these very same feelings - these very moments. Like all the sick twisted tension I had been holding onto as a teenager in an alcoholic household just went away when I left my hometown and got away from crazy family for the first time.
I think it is a sign that you will NOT become one of those miserable people you described! You know, everyone always says - life is short- I'm actually from the life is long school - I mean what are you gonna do that is longer??
These feelings, attitudes, dynamics, that you learned growing up WILL give way to new patterns if you do the work. But not overnight- and not just beccause you have changed geographically. Slowly slowly, if you give it as much attention as all that family drama demanded, you can transform even the worst of your past into fuel for your brighter peaceful future!
It's great you are self-aware - and don't be too hard on yourself- trust the process of life...
Peace,
B.
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Location: To the North
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Laan
Being self-aware, posting here, etc. All those are big huge steps towards the happy healthy life you want for yourself. Moving away from your family does not "fix" everything, just like an addict stopping their DOC is not enough. It takes recovery work, but it is soooo worth it - YOU are WORTH it!
Obviously my life is not perfect, but looking back from where I've come from, 20+ years of work - hard to believe, but I am soooo much better. 20 years ago my situation would have buried me with no hope, but today, when I knew I was in trouble, I knew to look for help. It didn't bury me. It's sad, and I get bogged down here and there, but, my sanity is not threatened (even tho it looks that way sometimes
!
Let your family take care of themselves, even if they don't do as good a job at it as you - it's their choice. YOU have the right to the life YOU want! Don't let anyone get in your way!
Being self-aware, posting here, etc. All those are big huge steps towards the happy healthy life you want for yourself. Moving away from your family does not "fix" everything, just like an addict stopping their DOC is not enough. It takes recovery work, but it is soooo worth it - YOU are WORTH it!
Obviously my life is not perfect, but looking back from where I've come from, 20+ years of work - hard to believe, but I am soooo much better. 20 years ago my situation would have buried me with no hope, but today, when I knew I was in trouble, I knew to look for help. It didn't bury me. It's sad, and I get bogged down here and there, but, my sanity is not threatened (even tho it looks that way sometimes
! Let your family take care of themselves, even if they don't do as good a job at it as you - it's their choice. YOU have the right to the life YOU want! Don't let anyone get in your way!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
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Thank you all. Just thank you for being there & understanding!
I'm SO sorry others also had/have to endure these things or worse, but I thank you all for the kind words!
Things are starting to look up at home - that's nice - home. I feel at home - haven't for years! Bf & I are trying, things are starting to go in a better direction. I just pray it will keep doing that.
Again - thank you all!!!!
I'm SO sorry others also had/have to endure these things or worse, but I thank you all for the kind words!
Things are starting to look up at home - that's nice - home. I feel at home - haven't for years! Bf & I are trying, things are starting to go in a better direction. I just pray it will keep doing that.
Again - thank you all!!!!
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Moving from your disfunctional home will noot automatically release your anger. It is a long process day by day. With the help of alanon and SR you will get there one day. You are on the right track and for once you have done something for yourself. Addicts can be very manipulative ie: there e-mails to you. Be kind to yourself, you sound strong I'm glad your here.
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