An update (also known as the second.)
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Portland, Oregon
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An update (also known as the second.)
Well, I finally put the “balls to the wall…” and it isn’t so bad. First and foremost, thank you so much to all who responded to my firstie – that means so much to me! I guess a quick update on the whole situation is in order, but I swear I’ll make it short. I suppose that I should say now that this is no high school romance – I’ve been in school for a couple of years now and we are adults; through an amazing opportunity I’ve had the chance to go away for a year to study.
I know that I am, by no means, perfect and have been snooping through my A’s personal life for a bit now. I came clean today and told him everything – going through his emails, various accounts, phone, and journal. Why? I suppose it was provoked by more drama…I was snooping and by a random stroke of luck, found his password to one of his accounts, logged in, and found two emails to two different women that were very personal, detailed, and talked about love. I found this so hurtful. Even though one of the emails was all right – more like he was trying to close the book and apologizing for past wrongs, the other emails consisted of numerous amorous subtleties, which ranged from things from “if you still have that puppy love poem you wrote me, I’d love to read it,” to “you are the pinnacle of beauty.” I should have known that this would have happened; he confessed to her he had romantic dreams about her, but didn’t want to tell me because it “was my insecurity, not hers.” He planned to meet up with her “just for drinks to pick [her] brain because I always enjoy conversations with you.”
I suppose the final blow to the last threads of this relationship was that when I wanted to confront him about it, he replied that he was watching a movie, that his phone had died and had his brother text me that “he will call you tomorrow.” Of course I’m not going to be stepped on THAT much, and ended up calling him back and telling him out of respect and courtesy for ME I EXPECTED a call back, dead phone or not. He called back with a cold, monotonic voice and refused to talk to me about it, saying that he had had “temptations and was trying to close the book on these.” Well, contrary to popular belief, meeting up a woman you’re lusting for, whether you actually want to admit it to my face or not, is not exactly closing the book. Meeting up to talk about romantic endeavors, even though they are from middle school, then after his first breakup, are not appropriate and I consequently, (and angrily,) like to describe this as “emotional” cheating. Just because you are not sleeping/kissing/holding hands with her, (in other words, physical with her,) does not mean you are NOT cheating on your partner.
We met up today and both agreed to a week break although we initially decided to stay together. He was bitter that I read through his emails, (which is completely understandable,) but I suppose there are two things: the fact that he sent them while he was drunk/tipsy, and the fact that I would have never known about these and he would have continued on this destructive path of lying and dishonesty “for my own protection.” I just wish that I had seen the signs earlier – people close to me did – but I refused to look at them, thinking that the more time spent with him would mend the relationship. I wanted to believe that the reason he didn’t have money for my birthday or to take me out was because he didn’t have a job, (which he doesn’t,) and was not spending it with his guy friends – but mainly, alcohol. I wanted to re-read the emails to him in order to make him listen to what he wrote from his current woman…but he refused to. I then started into my first step, that is…pretty much coming clean with what I explained in the above – snooping. He left halfway through to go to the bathroom and “was sick to his stomach.” I’m glad he finally felt a fraction of what I’ve been feeling since February, when things really started to deteriorate. It’s funny when you look back at your past journal entries and all of a sudden, you realize that you gut feeling was right, even though it sucks to admit the fact. In fact, today, he said that his gut feeling was to break up with me earlier – we had a tiff about a month ago – which is when he stopped saying “I love you.” He thought it amusing and rather astute that I realized this. I’m not stupid. I realized that he was trying to take a step back but didn’t have the courage and balls to tell me; we instead started a kamikaze clusterbomb that finally exploded into a million pieces.
After talking to a couple of friends, I realized that I would have to completely sever this relationship for the week we were going to take off from each other. So that’s what I did – and he understood – and agreed – probably because he didn’t have any obligation to tell me what he was doing after the fact – which leaves room for plenty of speculation and room for hurt for sure. As you can tell, neither of us have any trust for each other…but the turning point was when he started to drink alcohol, and thus cut me out of his life because he thought I was going to judge him. Right now, I am done and I feel fine. It’s the first day, and I think that the first couple days are just fine. It gets harder as the days go by, but at this point, I don’t want to talk to him and don’t want to hear his ********. If he wants to become physical with another woman, (which still stings and hurts to write, SO much…) than that’s fine. Even though it’s not fine right now, and brings tears to my eyes, I know that I’m no longer responsible for any of his actions. Not that I was anyways, but it will be a good chance to solidify beginning thoughts about why this relationship went sour, and to explore if I want to pursue it after taking a week off. I know that I definitely have my issues to work on, but know that he has much to try to change, as well as think about. I expect complete honesty, whether it “will hurt my feelings” or not. It always hurts more when you find out, even when you’re not supposed to.
It’s funny, I always hated those stupid women who went back to their dead-beat, completely hopefully situations of relationships. I told a friend last year that if I ever became like Cindy* (not her name, of course,) that she should slap me. I came to the realization FINALLY today that I became that clingy, insecure person. The person that put all of their eggs in the basket but when push came to shove, the basket was dropped and all the eggs broke. It’s messy and I’m still trying to extract myself, along with my emotionally exhausted mind…So like I said. Day one. We’ll see where it goes from here.
I know that I am, by no means, perfect and have been snooping through my A’s personal life for a bit now. I came clean today and told him everything – going through his emails, various accounts, phone, and journal. Why? I suppose it was provoked by more drama…I was snooping and by a random stroke of luck, found his password to one of his accounts, logged in, and found two emails to two different women that were very personal, detailed, and talked about love. I found this so hurtful. Even though one of the emails was all right – more like he was trying to close the book and apologizing for past wrongs, the other emails consisted of numerous amorous subtleties, which ranged from things from “if you still have that puppy love poem you wrote me, I’d love to read it,” to “you are the pinnacle of beauty.” I should have known that this would have happened; he confessed to her he had romantic dreams about her, but didn’t want to tell me because it “was my insecurity, not hers.” He planned to meet up with her “just for drinks to pick [her] brain because I always enjoy conversations with you.”
I suppose the final blow to the last threads of this relationship was that when I wanted to confront him about it, he replied that he was watching a movie, that his phone had died and had his brother text me that “he will call you tomorrow.” Of course I’m not going to be stepped on THAT much, and ended up calling him back and telling him out of respect and courtesy for ME I EXPECTED a call back, dead phone or not. He called back with a cold, monotonic voice and refused to talk to me about it, saying that he had had “temptations and was trying to close the book on these.” Well, contrary to popular belief, meeting up a woman you’re lusting for, whether you actually want to admit it to my face or not, is not exactly closing the book. Meeting up to talk about romantic endeavors, even though they are from middle school, then after his first breakup, are not appropriate and I consequently, (and angrily,) like to describe this as “emotional” cheating. Just because you are not sleeping/kissing/holding hands with her, (in other words, physical with her,) does not mean you are NOT cheating on your partner.
We met up today and both agreed to a week break although we initially decided to stay together. He was bitter that I read through his emails, (which is completely understandable,) but I suppose there are two things: the fact that he sent them while he was drunk/tipsy, and the fact that I would have never known about these and he would have continued on this destructive path of lying and dishonesty “for my own protection.” I just wish that I had seen the signs earlier – people close to me did – but I refused to look at them, thinking that the more time spent with him would mend the relationship. I wanted to believe that the reason he didn’t have money for my birthday or to take me out was because he didn’t have a job, (which he doesn’t,) and was not spending it with his guy friends – but mainly, alcohol. I wanted to re-read the emails to him in order to make him listen to what he wrote from his current woman…but he refused to. I then started into my first step, that is…pretty much coming clean with what I explained in the above – snooping. He left halfway through to go to the bathroom and “was sick to his stomach.” I’m glad he finally felt a fraction of what I’ve been feeling since February, when things really started to deteriorate. It’s funny when you look back at your past journal entries and all of a sudden, you realize that you gut feeling was right, even though it sucks to admit the fact. In fact, today, he said that his gut feeling was to break up with me earlier – we had a tiff about a month ago – which is when he stopped saying “I love you.” He thought it amusing and rather astute that I realized this. I’m not stupid. I realized that he was trying to take a step back but didn’t have the courage and balls to tell me; we instead started a kamikaze clusterbomb that finally exploded into a million pieces.
After talking to a couple of friends, I realized that I would have to completely sever this relationship for the week we were going to take off from each other. So that’s what I did – and he understood – and agreed – probably because he didn’t have any obligation to tell me what he was doing after the fact – which leaves room for plenty of speculation and room for hurt for sure. As you can tell, neither of us have any trust for each other…but the turning point was when he started to drink alcohol, and thus cut me out of his life because he thought I was going to judge him. Right now, I am done and I feel fine. It’s the first day, and I think that the first couple days are just fine. It gets harder as the days go by, but at this point, I don’t want to talk to him and don’t want to hear his ********. If he wants to become physical with another woman, (which still stings and hurts to write, SO much…) than that’s fine. Even though it’s not fine right now, and brings tears to my eyes, I know that I’m no longer responsible for any of his actions. Not that I was anyways, but it will be a good chance to solidify beginning thoughts about why this relationship went sour, and to explore if I want to pursue it after taking a week off. I know that I definitely have my issues to work on, but know that he has much to try to change, as well as think about. I expect complete honesty, whether it “will hurt my feelings” or not. It always hurts more when you find out, even when you’re not supposed to.
It’s funny, I always hated those stupid women who went back to their dead-beat, completely hopefully situations of relationships. I told a friend last year that if I ever became like Cindy* (not her name, of course,) that she should slap me. I came to the realization FINALLY today that I became that clingy, insecure person. The person that put all of their eggs in the basket but when push came to shove, the basket was dropped and all the eggs broke. It’s messy and I’m still trying to extract myself, along with my emotionally exhausted mind…So like I said. Day one. We’ll see where it goes from here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Right on, sister. You have "seen" yourself become "Cindy" and you know that is not a role you wish to play. The similarities in your post to an addict realizing they must quit their drug, starting with day one of no drugs (no contact) are striking. You have allowed yourself to become "addicted" to this man and if continued, you will fall just like an addict does who refuses to stop. Good luck and keep posting for lots of support!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by littlefoot1031 
I know that I am, by no means, perfect and have been snooping through my A’s personal life for a bit now. I came clean today and told him everything – going through his emails, various accounts, phone, and journal. Why?
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