fighting off a profound hopelessness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 4
fighting off a profound hopelessness
I really need to re-focus - the depression of my life today is killing me with all the challenges infront of me, and no signs of improvement.
I’m undergoing vascular embolization procedures for AVMs:
In 2000, I had coil embolization done and they sent me home with a month’s supply of pain killers. It took me 6 years to stop self-medicating (picked up my black key tag yesterday).
I’m currently going through the same procedure again. I have to make several trips to Toronto for angiograms, consultations and embolization procedures. It’s emotionally stressing, painful, exhausting and expensive. I found an AVM survivors support group online, and that helps.
Unfortunately, I started smoking again… which doesn’t help anything… and a sure sign that I’m starting to give up on the inside.
I’m on the verge of bankruptcy:
Financially, I’ve come a long way in the last two years since getting clean. Over the last 18 months I’ve managed to get back into a regular budget and haven’t missed a single payment on anything and have made extra payments against loans. Although the debt load I raked up during my using days was significant, I was able to see light at the end of the tunnel. That light has recently proven to be a large angry train.
I was slapped with a $32,000.00 tax adjustment last month, my girlfriend moved and out I’m struggling to fund medical procedures.
My relationship is killing my self esteem:
Although she moved out, we’re still ‘together’. I dream of having a family – she’s now scared of that prospect. I’m struggling with the shame of my financial situation – she is afraid of carrying my weight. I try to express how I feel, as gently as I know how – she gets defensive.
I just don’t see any hope right now. I’m doing all I can… finding the courage to continue with the medical procedures; not letting the depression drive me to spend any money I don’t have, and looking into credit solutions, painfully considering whether this relationship is healthy for me anymore... and of course, the usual daily meditations and stepwork.
The voice in my head is screaming that I’ll never know ‘family’. That any woman who would want to raise a family with a recovering addict who is buried in debt and born with a rare vascular deformity would have to be completely insane… and I’d have to be even more insane to want to bring that burden into a relationship. So, I’m doomed. This is as good as it gets, and still I’m thinking of throwing it away by leaving the relationship I have. I hate this thinking… I hope it passes soon.
I’m sorry for putting out all this negativity – but keeping it inside is killing me.
I’m undergoing vascular embolization procedures for AVMs:
In 2000, I had coil embolization done and they sent me home with a month’s supply of pain killers. It took me 6 years to stop self-medicating (picked up my black key tag yesterday).
I’m currently going through the same procedure again. I have to make several trips to Toronto for angiograms, consultations and embolization procedures. It’s emotionally stressing, painful, exhausting and expensive. I found an AVM survivors support group online, and that helps.
Unfortunately, I started smoking again… which doesn’t help anything… and a sure sign that I’m starting to give up on the inside.
I’m on the verge of bankruptcy:
Financially, I’ve come a long way in the last two years since getting clean. Over the last 18 months I’ve managed to get back into a regular budget and haven’t missed a single payment on anything and have made extra payments against loans. Although the debt load I raked up during my using days was significant, I was able to see light at the end of the tunnel. That light has recently proven to be a large angry train.
I was slapped with a $32,000.00 tax adjustment last month, my girlfriend moved and out I’m struggling to fund medical procedures.
My relationship is killing my self esteem:
Although she moved out, we’re still ‘together’. I dream of having a family – she’s now scared of that prospect. I’m struggling with the shame of my financial situation – she is afraid of carrying my weight. I try to express how I feel, as gently as I know how – she gets defensive.
I just don’t see any hope right now. I’m doing all I can… finding the courage to continue with the medical procedures; not letting the depression drive me to spend any money I don’t have, and looking into credit solutions, painfully considering whether this relationship is healthy for me anymore... and of course, the usual daily meditations and stepwork.
The voice in my head is screaming that I’ll never know ‘family’. That any woman who would want to raise a family with a recovering addict who is buried in debt and born with a rare vascular deformity would have to be completely insane… and I’d have to be even more insane to want to bring that burden into a relationship. So, I’m doomed. This is as good as it gets, and still I’m thinking of throwing it away by leaving the relationship I have. I hate this thinking… I hope it passes soon.
I’m sorry for putting out all this negativity – but keeping it inside is killing me.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Never be sorry for sharing what you feel. You are right, keeping it inside kills us.
That voice in your head is your disease, do not let it win!!! Stay clean and keep doing the next right thing. I know it sounds cliche but it is ture.
What about step work, are you currently working the steps with a sponsor? from my own experience I can tell you that it helps.
And keep sharing, we are all here just doing the same thing, trying to stay clean and live life on lifes terms, just one day at a time.
That voice in your head is your disease, do not let it win!!! Stay clean and keep doing the next right thing. I know it sounds cliche but it is ture.
What about step work, are you currently working the steps with a sponsor? from my own experience I can tell you that it helps.
And keep sharing, we are all here just doing the same thing, trying to stay clean and live life on lifes terms, just one day at a time.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
I am so sorry you are faced with so much medically which was not a part of addiction, and finances due to problems racked up over use.
I am very happy for your getting your black key tag though! that is awesome!
I pray your next procedures go well, have very little pain, no complications and that Gods will be done in your life concerning your girlfriend as well as HIS life for you when it comes to a future family.
It sounds like that is the desire of your heart, tell your HP that and keep doing the next right thing.
blessings, Sheila
I am very happy for your getting your black key tag though! that is awesome!
I pray your next procedures go well, have very little pain, no complications and that Gods will be done in your life concerning your girlfriend as well as HIS life for you when it comes to a future family.
It sounds like that is the desire of your heart, tell your HP that and keep doing the next right thing.
blessings, Sheila
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
mm... i go to AA, not NA, but hopefully i can still share something with you.
you're very brave to tell the truth and share what you're feeling. that's not an ego stroke, it's the truth. it takes a lot to admit when you're feeling that kind of pain, and i appreciate that you shared it with us. you didn't have to do that.
it's all a journey, and a long one at that... tomorrow's another day. and all you have to do to make today successful is stay clean. reach out, hit your meetings, and pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.
you're gonna be better than you thought you'd be. i promise.
you're very brave to tell the truth and share what you're feeling. that's not an ego stroke, it's the truth. it takes a lot to admit when you're feeling that kind of pain, and i appreciate that you shared it with us. you didn't have to do that.
it's all a journey, and a long one at that... tomorrow's another day. and all you have to do to make today successful is stay clean. reach out, hit your meetings, and pray pray pray pray pray pray pray.
you're gonna be better than you thought you'd be. i promise.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Pain shared is pain lessened. Thanks for sharing and congrats on your multiple years.
I'm sure you know that using won't make anything better, but my experience has shown that prayer and step work does. Keep the faith. Your HP hasn't brought you this far to let you go. As they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.
Be blessed.
I'm sure you know that using won't make anything better, but my experience has shown that prayer and step work does. Keep the faith. Your HP hasn't brought you this far to let you go. As they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.
Be blessed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 4
My sincere gratitude to everyone who took the time and effort to respond to my cries for help. As always, compassionate words of encouragement are greatly appreciated, and very effective.
I’d like to say that things took a turn for the better, but in truth, my car broke down on the way home from the office last night. A little nerve wracking since I need to get to Toronto tomorrow for another appointment. Thankfully, I was able to do some work on it last night and get it running again, and managed to get an appointment at the local dealership to give it a solid inspection (what I can do today).
On the upside, the car breaking down was exactly what I needed to push beyond the self-centred preoccupation with all that is ‘wrong’, and start seeing the humour in all this; so (as per usual), life hasn’t changed – but what needed to change did.
Again, many sincere thanks – and best wishes!
I’d like to say that things took a turn for the better, but in truth, my car broke down on the way home from the office last night. A little nerve wracking since I need to get to Toronto tomorrow for another appointment. Thankfully, I was able to do some work on it last night and get it running again, and managed to get an appointment at the local dealership to give it a solid inspection (what I can do today).
On the upside, the car breaking down was exactly what I needed to push beyond the self-centred preoccupation with all that is ‘wrong’, and start seeing the humour in all this; so (as per usual), life hasn’t changed – but what needed to change did.
Again, many sincere thanks – and best wishes!
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