My Mother makes me mad
*Grateful*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
My Mother makes me mad
Well, today my sister, my mom and I were having a 3 way conversation by phone when my sister brought up my meetings and my meeting ppl. (She wasn't trying to out me cuz she & I talk regularly she just didn't think about it.....) But my mother I have purposely NOT told I was back in recovery. My parents are getting up there (75) and I just didn't want to worry them.
In 1991 I was part of an intervention. My parents were so ashamed and embarressed. I was addicted to meth and had disappeared. I had a 2 1/2 yr old son and they had to take care of him when I went to rehab for the first 3 months. (then he got to join me)
FF to now.....My son is 19 and in college over in Europe, he is a great kid. I have actually done pretty good. I have been through a marriage which ended in my husbands death to brain cancer, I have been in my second marriage for 6 years now which is awesome and couldn't be better, and have moved all the way across the USA. I have given birth and been raising a second son....yes, I have screwed up on pills, and while I am not trying to minimize the use, I have not gone all crazy like I was on meth. I have maintained and even had long periods of clean time since my relapse. Heck I had 3 years in 2003 when I had some surgeries that kind of awakened my sleeping tiger....... So anyway, my mother FREAKED. She was all worried about me, asking me all of these personal questions like when I had relapsed, what was going on? Was I going back to a rehab for the cure? etc etc...she even went as far as saying "for crying out loud, I thought since you had moved away from CA you had started hanging with a higher class of ppl, not druggies!"
I am hurt, I am mad, I know now why I didn't tell her, she is sooo judgemental, however I know they are coming out here for a visit in a month and I will probably NEED a meeting or 2 or more while they are here, and I am a 43 yr old woman who doesn't want to lie to her parents.......
I do love my parents a lot. They have only wanted the best for me, they are just stuck in this "old schoolness" where you never ask for help, or let anyone know anything....you just work it out by yourself, cuz WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS THINK???
So anyway...... I just don't know where to go from here.......what to say......or anything.....
sorry so long and drawn out...didn't mean to write bio on here.
thanks for reading this if you made it this far.... Sheila
In 1991 I was part of an intervention. My parents were so ashamed and embarressed. I was addicted to meth and had disappeared. I had a 2 1/2 yr old son and they had to take care of him when I went to rehab for the first 3 months. (then he got to join me)
FF to now.....My son is 19 and in college over in Europe, he is a great kid. I have actually done pretty good. I have been through a marriage which ended in my husbands death to brain cancer, I have been in my second marriage for 6 years now which is awesome and couldn't be better, and have moved all the way across the USA. I have given birth and been raising a second son....yes, I have screwed up on pills, and while I am not trying to minimize the use, I have not gone all crazy like I was on meth. I have maintained and even had long periods of clean time since my relapse. Heck I had 3 years in 2003 when I had some surgeries that kind of awakened my sleeping tiger....... So anyway, my mother FREAKED. She was all worried about me, asking me all of these personal questions like when I had relapsed, what was going on? Was I going back to a rehab for the cure? etc etc...she even went as far as saying "for crying out loud, I thought since you had moved away from CA you had started hanging with a higher class of ppl, not druggies!"
I am hurt, I am mad, I know now why I didn't tell her, she is sooo judgemental, however I know they are coming out here for a visit in a month and I will probably NEED a meeting or 2 or more while they are here, and I am a 43 yr old woman who doesn't want to lie to her parents.......
I do love my parents a lot. They have only wanted the best for me, they are just stuck in this "old schoolness" where you never ask for help, or let anyone know anything....you just work it out by yourself, cuz WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS THINK???
So anyway...... I just don't know where to go from here.......what to say......or anything.....
sorry so long and drawn out...didn't mean to write bio on here.
thanks for reading this if you made it this far.... Sheila
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
OMG!!!We Share The Same Mother!
I too was raised with the same philosphy, solve your own problems, you don't need help from some (make sure no one is listening) psychiatrist! For goodness sakes, what would Mrs. Johnson think?
I ended up thinking that I was some horrible person who had sinful, earth shattering, strike me dead thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps you could tell your Mom that it really doesn't matter when, what matters now is that you are happy, you are taking care of your responsibilities as far as your family. And besides, isn't the fact that you are clean and sober today what matters most?
For years my Mom knew so much about my life, only because I let that happen. But when I was about 6 months into my Recovery, I had to start setting boundaries. I had to let her know that yes, I love her very much and appreciate everything she has done for me, but it's time that I stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. Oh, yeah, she threw up in my face every single thing that she did for me over the years. I learned to cut her off, politely, but tell her that I today I need to take care of my problems, but I do appreciate her concern. She threw fits, wanting to know details and all, but I had to stand my ground. Eventually she got the message. And yes, she tries to pull me back in at times, but I have to basically repeat what I have said all along, "Mom, I love you, you can stop worrying now."
As far as the meeting goes, GO! When she's in town, if she begins to give you any grief or questions you, just tell her that you are doing what you need to do for you. No further explanation is needed. Just respect.
Good Luck with YOUR Mama Drama,
Judy
I ended up thinking that I was some horrible person who had sinful, earth shattering, strike me dead thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps you could tell your Mom that it really doesn't matter when, what matters now is that you are happy, you are taking care of your responsibilities as far as your family. And besides, isn't the fact that you are clean and sober today what matters most?
For years my Mom knew so much about my life, only because I let that happen. But when I was about 6 months into my Recovery, I had to start setting boundaries. I had to let her know that yes, I love her very much and appreciate everything she has done for me, but it's time that I stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. Oh, yeah, she threw up in my face every single thing that she did for me over the years. I learned to cut her off, politely, but tell her that I today I need to take care of my problems, but I do appreciate her concern. She threw fits, wanting to know details and all, but I had to stand my ground. Eventually she got the message. And yes, she tries to pull me back in at times, but I have to basically repeat what I have said all along, "Mom, I love you, you can stop worrying now."
As far as the meeting goes, GO! When she's in town, if she begins to give you any grief or questions you, just tell her that you are doing what you need to do for you. No further explanation is needed. Just respect.
Good Luck with YOUR Mama Drama,
Judy
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Sheila, I had to smile when I read your post. I know it's painful now - believe me, I know - but I also know something else. Hang in there with me...
My parents were the same way. It's funny, as my father was alcoholic, putting "the plug in the jug" when I was thirteen. Everybody knew he was a drunk, but somehow, that was different than me being a drug addict. And then - oh, GAWD, when my mother felt that everyone knew, she took it upon herself to turn it around and tell everyone that I was better than the average junkie on the street because I'd gone to rehab. I would be with her in the grocery store, and she'd tell someone right in front of me "it was her doctor's fault for giving her those oxycontins" - to be sure folks knew that I was a socially-accepted pill addict, not a street addict (I was both). They went on the offensive in their embarrassment. By the time they were done, it was a wonder that any parents allowed their kids to come play with mine!
I went into the insurance agency yesterday to pay my life insurance. I still have the same agent I had when my parents took out my life insurance policy when I was six. At one point, the agent told my mother that the policy probably wouldn't pay if I died of a drug overdose! Anyway, the agent said to me, "I thought there was something wrong with you." What?? Am I late paying?? No: "There was one day last week that your picture wasn't in the newspaper." We're very small-town here, and spring is awards/conference season, and between that and some community involvements, I've been getting a lot of ink the last several weeks. THAT'S what those people see NOW. And, guess what? Drug addiction doesn't quite hold the stigma in their eyes when they see an addict turn it around and excel. Oh, I'm sure there's some talk, such as, "Imagine what she could have done if she didn't mess with the drugs years ago," but it doesn't much matter.
Although I didn't engineer it to be so, recovery from drug addiction (and I was also the town drunk, by the way - asked to leave many of the establishments that I now go to for banquets, conferences, town hall meetings, etc.) has become a strength, not a disability. The "druggies" I hang around with are, for the most part, as productive and vital in the community as I am. None of us wave around our 12th step recovery programs, though when approached one-on-one by someone who has a need, for themselves or a family member, we don't jealously guard our "secret." It makes that other thread, the one that asks, "If you could use without consequence, would you?" a no-brainer. If I used, it wouldn't be a matter of losing face in the community or in my family's eyes - it would be losing that opportunity to carry the message of recovery, in one manner or another, to others. Try explaining to someone that just because you relapsed, they shouldn't lose hope for themselves or their loved one. That's a primary reason for our coveted anonymity, and why I do my best to always honor traditions. If we hide under a rock, though, perceptions will never change!
So, I said all that to say - what your parents think of your recovery, or the company you keep in order to find your recovery, is really their business. There's a good chance that will change as you evolve in recovery. I urge you not to lose patience or be wounded too deeply by their lack of understanding. You'll be presented with many teaching opportunities, and the patience and tolerance you show them will prepare the ground for the seeds you plant.
Hang in there, Sheila. Have faith in the process.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
My parents were the same way. It's funny, as my father was alcoholic, putting "the plug in the jug" when I was thirteen. Everybody knew he was a drunk, but somehow, that was different than me being a drug addict. And then - oh, GAWD, when my mother felt that everyone knew, she took it upon herself to turn it around and tell everyone that I was better than the average junkie on the street because I'd gone to rehab. I would be with her in the grocery store, and she'd tell someone right in front of me "it was her doctor's fault for giving her those oxycontins" - to be sure folks knew that I was a socially-accepted pill addict, not a street addict (I was both). They went on the offensive in their embarrassment. By the time they were done, it was a wonder that any parents allowed their kids to come play with mine!
I went into the insurance agency yesterday to pay my life insurance. I still have the same agent I had when my parents took out my life insurance policy when I was six. At one point, the agent told my mother that the policy probably wouldn't pay if I died of a drug overdose! Anyway, the agent said to me, "I thought there was something wrong with you." What?? Am I late paying?? No: "There was one day last week that your picture wasn't in the newspaper." We're very small-town here, and spring is awards/conference season, and between that and some community involvements, I've been getting a lot of ink the last several weeks. THAT'S what those people see NOW. And, guess what? Drug addiction doesn't quite hold the stigma in their eyes when they see an addict turn it around and excel. Oh, I'm sure there's some talk, such as, "Imagine what she could have done if she didn't mess with the drugs years ago," but it doesn't much matter.
Although I didn't engineer it to be so, recovery from drug addiction (and I was also the town drunk, by the way - asked to leave many of the establishments that I now go to for banquets, conferences, town hall meetings, etc.) has become a strength, not a disability. The "druggies" I hang around with are, for the most part, as productive and vital in the community as I am. None of us wave around our 12th step recovery programs, though when approached one-on-one by someone who has a need, for themselves or a family member, we don't jealously guard our "secret." It makes that other thread, the one that asks, "If you could use without consequence, would you?" a no-brainer. If I used, it wouldn't be a matter of losing face in the community or in my family's eyes - it would be losing that opportunity to carry the message of recovery, in one manner or another, to others. Try explaining to someone that just because you relapsed, they shouldn't lose hope for themselves or their loved one. That's a primary reason for our coveted anonymity, and why I do my best to always honor traditions. If we hide under a rock, though, perceptions will never change!
So, I said all that to say - what your parents think of your recovery, or the company you keep in order to find your recovery, is really their business. There's a good chance that will change as you evolve in recovery. I urge you not to lose patience or be wounded too deeply by their lack of understanding. You'll be presented with many teaching opportunities, and the patience and tolerance you show them will prepare the ground for the seeds you plant.
Hang in there, Sheila. Have faith in the process.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
We are powerless over people, places and things Sheila.
You just keep doing the next right thing and it will be okay. I suggest you pray for your parents to have understand and acceptance for others in their hearts.
My brother has been 'dry' for over 14 years now. He was going through a rough time a few years ago and I mentioned maybe going to a meeting, he said 'I dont want to go to a meeting with those kind of people'. I reminded him that not only am I one of 'those kind of people' LOL, but he has been to jail a few times LOLOLOLOL.
Keep working your program and understand that your mom is who she is (we all have a mom LOL).
You just keep doing the next right thing and it will be okay. I suggest you pray for your parents to have understand and acceptance for others in their hearts.
My brother has been 'dry' for over 14 years now. He was going through a rough time a few years ago and I mentioned maybe going to a meeting, he said 'I dont want to go to a meeting with those kind of people'. I reminded him that not only am I one of 'those kind of people' LOL, but he has been to jail a few times LOLOLOLOL.
Keep working your program and understand that your mom is who she is (we all have a mom LOL).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Moms are like @ssh___s, we all have them and they are stink, no waiiit, that's opinions! Or sometimes, maybe it's Moms? I'm a Mom and sometimes I know I stink at figuring out what to do about my grown daughter. So I try to be patient with my Mom, she loves me, as does yours. and she's worried. She just has an interesting way of showing it. Oh well, things could be a lot worse. You're coping with it, just keep coming back girl! And try to remember some of the silly stuff you've said to your grown child, it'll help you be more patient!
kj
kj
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