meadowlane88

Hello. I'm new to this site. I was dating someone for a few months who I knew was a substance abuser of cocaine and crack. When I met him, he told me that he had not used for a few years. However, he never went through any formal rehabilitation program. He moved from one state to another and said since his move, he had been clean. Our relationship was brief but very intense. It just ended a few days ago because i realized I needed to extricate myself from an unhealthy relationship and he agreed. He told me before it actually ended, that he needed to talk to me about some things that were going on in his life and then it would be my choice whether to stay or not. We never had the conversation. I kept waiting for it and he continued not to make time for me. Thus, I ended it. I believe after reading the symptoms of someone who is using, that he is and has been using drugs. A few of my friends noticed the signs as well. I do not in any way shape or form want to be in an intimate relationship with an addict. My mother is one. However, I feel like he has isolated himself and I am concerned for his safety and well-being. I care about him. Is there a way i can confront him with my fear that he is using in a positive and healthy way? is there a way that i can help him? or is there nothing i can do?
Thank you in advance for all of your advice and help with this.

hello-kitty

when I was using crack, I treated my friends who didn't use crack very poorly. I would make plans and blow them off ALL THE TIME. If my friends confronted me, I convinced myself that they were jerks and not really my friends after all.

I'll never forget an incident where one of my friends told me that she didn't know what I was up to but she didn't like being blown off. She told me she loved me but she didn't need friends that treated her that way. Then she talked about her dad who used to have a coke problem and how she was familiar with the behavior. Now she NEVER accused me of using or asked me if I was using (and I would have lied about it anyway.) Then she told me to call her when I figured things out for myself. At the time I just convinced myself it was HER problem and I said see ya!

Now, I didn't talk to her for a year or more. But after I got clean, she was one of the first people I called. She never brought up our conversation or aked what I had been doing for the last year. She just told me that she was glad to hear from me and we are still very dear friends to this day.

In my opinion, it's best to let it go. You ended it. Let it end. If your friendship was meant to be, he will contact you after he gets his life in order. Unfortunately, nothing you do will convince him to get his life in order and may just drive him farther away.

Jody Hepler

Thank you for posting - my first go 'round with someone using drugs was confusing and terrifying. And made me doubt my own instincts. I thought something wasn't "ok", but couldn't figure it out.

What I did was to go to 12 step support meetings for family and friends - Alanon or Naranon, whatever is in your area - and educate myself about addiction. They have lots of free literature, some great books and folks with lots of experience and hope.

Then I could make an informed decision about what was best for me. And I figured out how I could be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Love in recovery,
Jody

meadowlane88

Thank you both very much for your advice. At this point, i think i will let it go and hope that he gets help on his own. Thank you again.