offhegoes

after asking for a divorce last week and telling me he doesn't want me to be present in his recovery. He was a mess tonight after his first session...all tense and on edge and on the verge of crying( I rarely ever see him cry). I hurt for him.

best

Don't want to get your hopes up and I don't want to frighten you either.
Will just share what I know and let you take or leave it and deal with what ever comes along...one day or moment at a time.

The other day, his selfishness and low self esteem could have had him trying to take what he thinks is an easier path to solutions. It wasn't a personal attack on you but you happen to be the one it was directed at.

Now today, at a state of high emotions and maybe some fear added in... He could be running back to what he knows is a safe place...to you.

If they have open conversation, you may hear him say things you won't like. The words and what is truth may be worlds apart...don't take any of it personal.
If asked to share how you feel... do so with a soft tone but truthfully.

Scared, selfish, frightened, no self esteem, maybe a feeling of being worthless...fear of the unknown of the future. All things he will learn to deal with as he seeks answers in a recovery program.
All are things that he will need deal with on his own. You can't do it for him.
I know it hurts. I know it can hurt more but please believe me when I say it is not you. You are seeing his feelings about himself being directed at you. Self preservation has us not direct it at ourself.

Take things a moment at a time and know that my prayers go with you.

kelsh

Hi Offhegoes,

I would really feel confused but you are the only one to make this decision...family IOP is a learning experience for both of you even if a divorce happens.

I did ask for a divorce the first time I went to treatment but it was a big mistake on my part but a learning experience I will never forget...in the negative sense. I did get back with my first husband and when we both were retired we married again. I was the alcoholic but he abused alcohol.

I told him I would move back with him when he quit drinking...he would quit a few years here and there and mostly have beer when out camping & fishing. He did quit and we did get married but both were scared at the same time. By then I had a long sobriety & now have 19 years sober.

Marriage and family counseling is a help for some...also alanon...but I do have to remember that the whole family is affected by the alcoholic and can be as sick in their own way when affected by the alcoholic.

I wish you the best for YOU and what you decide to do.

kelsh

offhegoes

I never though his emotions after his first session were something he felt for me...I was just "happy" to see that he is discovering there is more to the situation then he thought. Last week he had the feeling that he was in total control and things were almost all better for him. Being on the outside of things I knew this was not the case. I only want the best for both of us and if that means we are no longer together than so be it. But him reaching out for help...even just the small thing of him asking me to attend the session...is a step in the right direction. He never likes to rely on others, and holds everything in.

best

Us guys tend to do that and when you add in an addictive personality...we hold it in even more so.

His asking for your support or help can be a step in the right direction but it can also be like a person who is drowning that grasps at anything that floats.
Remember... his actions are not about you. They just happen to be at you. Not personal attacks but more panic outlashings.

offhegoes

I'm trying to understand that...it's taking time (as a woman I tend to personalize everything). I'm just glad he's in rehab

best

As the one who was lashing out... It took me some time to understand it and once I did, I had this feeling I need yell to the world...it isn't personal about you (not your fault or doing) it is our inner battle coming out at you (or who ever is close enough and safe enough to lash out at)
Hopes that he finds recovery and comes to realize the hurt and pain we can cause and then mends his ways as well.

offhegoes

he was mentioning how he screwed everything up (which was what almost brought him to tears). I told him to not focus on everything just on himself.

Chino

It took me months to learn that about my daughter. It felt like she was always wanting to fight but she wasn't. One day I finally told her I was sorry she was hurting so much and she burst into tears, practically screamed thank you and that's all she wanted. Sure made me wish I knew that earlier!

offhegoes

I'll keep that in mind

peaceteach

Great thread here. Thanks to all of you!

offhegoes

do you think I should not go with him to the family nights when he asks me to?
If I have something to do is that more important than showing support?

best

I don't see going as a showing of support. I would see going as a chance to find growth for you. If he puts effort into things, he can find growth there as well. It can be a learning experience for you both.

offhegoes

I guess this is where I'm confused. He asked me to attend this session that happens weakly as a part of his IOP rehab and is with the other members and their families that he attends his sessions with during the week. When he asked me to go he said it would help him.(I am not trying to read into his words.) How would this not be a showing of support? Is support not something an addict needs?

Chino

I don't see it as a show of support either. I didn't know what to expect the first time I went and discovered real fast it was like school. There was so much to learn I was taking notes.

offhegoes

what should I expect? so this session is about me? I've never gone thru this...any tips?

Chino

Along with other families we had a 30 minute session with a counselor before joining our daughter and the other substance abusers. During that 30 minutes we learned the very basics of addiction and why it's called a family disease. If someone had a dual diagnosis (mental health disease along with addiction) we learned how they feed each other.

After that, when everyone got together, it was pretty much about the disease itself. Slides, tutorials, brain scans... the physiology of the disease. There were lots of whoahs and wows during this part from all sides.

By going he sees he isn't alone and that you care. But it also says you want to learn about his disease, just like if someone were diagnosed with diabetes or some other disease.

It's a really hard step for some family members because they might be reeling from pain and anger. They might be completely done with the addict because too many bridges have been burned.

If you're going to attend the meetings, make sure it's because you want to learn about his disease.

offhegoes

yes that is why I want to go. I want to understand him and his disease more. I am greatful for your response and glad to know what to expect tonight. thank you.

offhegoes

That's understandable. at first it seemed like you were attacking me for going to "support" him. I'd like for him to know he's not alone, but I also want to be involved so I know I AM not alone...and can become educated on this disease as I would if my spouse was diagnosed with any other disease. For me going will be a coping tool, to help ME get thru this.

offhegoes

when I said I HURT for him it was more at that moment. it was about hims actually seeing where he has gotten himself, and us actually. He takes burdens on himself usually (ones that are not his to take on). I guess I just Hurt for him knowing that this burden was all his to bear. *it was a lot about seeing him like i've never seen him. I know he got himself here, I know all he risked and how lucky he is nothing has happened yet (job, pharmacy license, our house..etc.) and that all it takes is one slip up and it all could be gone.