want2live4him

Hello Everyone,
I am reaching out for help to get clean from my addiction. I am tired of living life this way, hurting those who love me, but more importantly myself. Each day I wake and say I wont use, but then I start. I dont want to. I want to live and be useful. I need people to talk to. Right now there is no one whom I feel would not look down on me if I open up to them. Please help someone.

gravity

Hi want2live4him,

Welcome! This is a great place to open up, get advice, get support, and help others. I can almost guarantee that no one will look down on you here. We have all been in tough places in one form or another.

I joined this site in December in pretty rough shape and I have been sober ever since. Tons of work but its all worth it. There are so many awesome people here, I learn something from every forum. Take care and best wishes. D

nandm

Welcome to SR! Sounds like you have come to the right place. Feel free to look around in the other forum areas as well.

want2live4him

Thank you....it seems my mind wants to quit but once i get over feelilng guilty and bad and wake up the next day, i go right back to using. I even told myself I was going to a meeting tonight, but found an excuse not to go. Instead I got high. I'm sooo tired and feel ashamed. I want to go to recovery, but if i go i wont be able to start a new job next week that i think i will get.

RK2007

Great that you've found us here W2L4H!!!

You feel tired and ashamed because deep down you know you want to quit but you give in to it anyway, I was the same way too.

I got annoyed at myself, feeling weak and hopeless quite often.

Only way to stop the never-ending cycle is to break it yourself - you have to put a spanner in the works of your addiction, something that will p*ss it right off!!!

Have you spoke to your doctor about your addiction?

It might sound crazy at the moment, but they can offer valuable help and resources to help you quit; I know for me they turned quitting from a fantasy into a reality by prescribing medicine to come off my drug of choice safely.

I was scared and embarrassed to see the doc about something like that at first - having not been in years - but it's the best move I ever made.

Good luck, please keep posting - we'll be here.

22NGONE

Want2live,

Hello, welcome. Well you pretty much described the last few years of my life. I believe it's the same for most of us whether drinkers or users. I would drink til the wee hours of the morning, go to bed, wake up tired and miserable, swear I wasn't drinking that night... that I would go for a run, then the afternoon would roll around.. I'd be feeling a little better, then on the way home I'm buying some beer and starting it all over again. Over and over until some very real consequences came my way.

The rationalizations I had for my drinking are only now becoming clear to me. The key is to make it through one day, no matter what it takes, make it through one... that's it. After that focus all of your energy on making it through the next. I don't know the specifics of your addiction but if you need help to stop then by all means seek treatment via a doctor or clinic.

Don't wait, it's your life that is being wasted and I found out the hard way, you can't get it back once it's gone. I find myself at 45 years old wishing I had taken that first step 20 years ago, don't make the same mistake.

Katecan

Welcome want2live4him. You came to the right place to help you get started. Please keep coming back.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You will find lots of support here and you can make the change you want in your life, beginning today.

CarolD

Hi...
To be safe....I too think a doctor is important.

Welcome to SR!

SkyeHigh

Good luck sir (or ma'am)---it's always a tangled web we weave, but these people seem to have some answers. It sounds like your in the right spot, and I can feel that same pain/shame/frustration you mentioned like it was----*insert typical comment*, it was yesterday. Keep coming, so many people have had it work for them, why not you....and let me slip myself in there to.

Peace brother (or sister) man (this really gets tiring doing all gender oriented statements in PC *sigh*....)woman,

-Skye

Kooky Lord of Inane Babble

P.S. I may be going thru a Manic swing momentarily, apologies for the lack of common sense being displayed.:wtf2

want2live4him

Well thank you everyone!!!!!:day4I feel like I've finally met some people who care. Its now 6:10pm and guess what??? I promised my girlfriend I was going to a CA meeting tonight. She is going with me cause its an open meeting. So far so good. I have found activities and determination outside the house today. I got a haircut, washed the car, did some barbque and watched tv. All while being accountable of my whereabouts i.e., not leaving her sight. She is supportive of me and wants my success. But sometimes she doesn't understand certain things. But today hopefully will be day one clean from that rock. I also gave her my bank and debit cards. (Boy was that hard to do!!!!) But, I did it voluntarily, cause I want this more than anything. Also I told her all my little tricks and stinking thinking, so she could recognize when I'm feeling like using or going to cop. Well I'm on my way to my first meeting. 12 hours down and 12 to go.

mle-sober

Hooray!! Every moment, you are winning and becoming stronger. I think for my early sobriety, it really was moment by moment. Even 1 day felt like a miracle. It gets better. Keep doing what you're doing. I took similar steps with my spouse - walked through the house and showed him all my hiding spots, gave him all my cash, was accountable for every moment of every day. I also took breath tests from him for the first 2 months. You can do it!

HideorSeek

Welcome!

This is a fabulous place with fabulous people who have fabulous insights and who will help guide you to a fabulous life. Keep coming!:ghug2

jstme

Congrats want2 live.
As I was reading down from your first post, I was hoping and praying that you find some hope, and then I read your last entry. Fantastic! Do tell how your meeting went.

want2live4him

Good Morning EVERYONE HERE!!! I am determined to be accountable to you all and not just myself. Yesterday as promised, I actually went to my first CA meeting. It was only three people there at the open meeting, the group leader, myself and my girlfriend. It really was meant to be because it allowed more one on one time for me to discuss issues and also for him to let her talk about how things affected her. It was just great though. BUT YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF YESTERDAY WAS ?????? I MADE IT THROUGH DAY ONE OF BEING SOBER. NO USAGE AT ALL.....WOW. I made a plan and changed my routine and look what happened. I know its only 1 day, but I was just trying to make it just focusing on yesterday (ONE DAY). soooooooo....... Today is another day. I have a game plan to take my medicine for my addiction to be well today. That medicine is to do a family and friends cookout. Whoever shows up lets eatl!! Do some laundry, watch a few movies, and GO TO MY CA MEETING TONIGHT. Thanks for listening to me and for giving support. This is my day, and I will not give in to the stinking thinking today......JUST FOR TODAY.

Ananda

I think the first day is often the hardest day....

This is a BIG DEAL!!!!!3

gofish1331

Don't sell yourself the guilt that you are not good enough to deserve love or affection. Looking down at yourself will hold you back. My name is Patrick and I am not looking down on you at all. The fact that you reached out shows that you are worthy of living a "clean" life. Good luck, all the best.

want2live4him

Good Morning All.....Yep I now have 2 days clean and sober. I tell you it feels good to go outside and smell the fresh air. I dont stay locked in the house with all the curtains closed and 2 million incense burning to hide the smell of the crack. I made a plan and yesterdays plan was a good one again. I did do the laundry, had great time on the grill, I even invited my neighbor from downstairs to come share the food, I played some old Nintendo (the original lol) with my girlfriends son, and finally went to my CA meeting last night. Didn't quite feel like it after all the food, but I told myself as much as I got high, I need to spend that much time going to fellowship at the meeting, and yes I went. Today I will spend my idle time volunteering at the Red Cross instead of sitting around the house all day. Hopefully I will get a call about one of the jobs I've been waiting for. So its time to start my day and concentrate on staying clean for this day 3. Everyone have a blessed and great day.:ghug

brentsgirl

That is awesome! You are an inspiration to me! My boyfriend is a crack addict in and out of recovery. Keep on doing your thing.....there's alot of living to be done!

want2live4him

Well, What can I say.... Tonight I sit here thanking God that He has kept friends around me to inspire me to stay clean. As I prepare to go to bed I now have 4 days clean. 8 But the strange thing is that I really don't know why I was getting high. I still have the same problems, like bills and searching for a new job and pressures, but being clean makes me realize that getting high is not a solution. When the fog clears I still have to deal with life on life's terms, and just be that more determined to overcome all the adversity. I went on 3 job interviews today and volunteered my time at the Red Cross just so I wouldn't be sitting with idle time. I have 2 more interviews tomorrow and am just waiting for a breakthrough. Bills and things are piling up and it seems as if I wont make it, but you know at least I'm sober enough to continue to perservere. Thanks for all the listening and we'll chat after day 5....(ooooooo I'm so positive about another day lol)