i4getsm

I'm curious how many of you have managed to make a life with your alcoholic spouse without having to be separated or divorced. Does it really have to go that far? Who has had a successful marriage? Did you spouse stop drinking and you made it work? And, are you truly happy?

I know for me personally, I'm definitely on my way to getting separated. It's all so new for me though, and my heart is broken right now. I'm still in the stage that I'm praying we will find a way through this. I guess reading the posts on the board continue to show me that this is going to be a "fight" for recovery for both of us for a LONG time. Do I really want that for my life? Does anyone?

Can it ever work? Shannon

kermit

I am sure it can work if both of you are willing to take the right steps, however many times the pain is to hard to get past. My marriage did not make it, at first my husband said he wanted it to work, I could not do it, he broke my heart to many times.

best

Hello Shannon

I have seen people leave at the drop of a hat and I have seen people stay when not even I would stay. The person drinking will continue to drink or stop when they are ready no matter what we do.
The use of boundaries make our place remain at peace...if we stay or go or if they stay or go. Boundaries are why some can stay through much more then others can or do.

Separation and divorce are two boundaries that I see as last resort boundaries.
When all else tried doesn't bring the wanted peace in our space or physical danger is there...separation or divorce would be an answer of sorts.

My wife and I happen to have separated (my choice) and when I found recovery, we got back together. With us both working on our own self but together...things are better then they ever have been for the whole marriage.
It can work but only when recovery is found.

DesertEyes

It didn't for me, but I know many couples from my meets for whom it has. My sponsor and his wife were drinking buddies for years, then sobered up together 40 some years ago. Two of my best friends from LA were both drunks, sobered up a couple years apart and have been married 30 some years. I know several couples here in Vegas where one is AA and the other al-anon, and they're trudging along just fine year after year.

So yes, I've seen it work for lots of people, but as you said, it really is a lot of work.

Mike

ToughChoices

Sounds scary doesn't it? All that "fighting", all that recovery.
Who wants to do that forever?

Me, I think.

Well, I want to fight for my own recovery forever.

If my A continues to fight for his (there are no guarantees, but time gives us hints), it's not at all difficult to imagine us sharing a life.
It wouldn't be what I had in mind when I married him, but that's okay. I'm starting to think it might be better.

My three year old says "We get what we get and we don't throw a fit."

This is what I've got.

It could all go away in an instant. He could drink, he could leave, he could die.

But today...
I'm working on me,
and he's working on him,
and we still want each other.

Perhaps I should add that my husband and I are married but currently living apart. Addiction does weird things to the family - I think most people separate in preparation for divorce - we are now separated in hopes of preparing for marriage.

-TC

RosieM

Whew, I am getting ready to send in divorce papers to the atty today. It is tough. I am moving out of state but we are living together for another week. He's been sober two months but not working a program - have been down this road before, but we are pretty good together when he isn't drinking so this is very difficult for me.

I think I hung on longer than I should have. I'm still beating myself up for not being able to stop his slide. I am wondering if he's really in recovery, finally, even though I can see nothing else is really changing except that he's in a whole lot of trouble with the law right now and has hurt other people by drinking and driving.

We seem to have agreed to go forward with the divorce for a number of reasons, but also seem to be leaning toward trying to maintain a close relationship although geographically separated. Not sure how that will go, but it does seem to be what we both need to believe to get through this terribly difficult time.

I want nothing more than for him to be healthy and happy - and I want the same for myself - and I think this is the way to get there for both of us. It just kills me, though. I do love the SOB.

Barbara52

Separation and divorce was the right choice for me. STBXAH still refuses to admit to his alcoholism, deal with his issues or get a job. Staying with him would only have continued to cause me more pain and would not have helped him. He has his own road to take. I'm incredibly sad that he is choosing to live this way but it is his choice. I am working on my recovery and am building a good life for myself.

eyes wide open

I am on the verge of seperation. It is going to be a year when he got into major trouble with his work. He went to AA all summer last year and a out patient recovery program. He still is drinking. We have a 10yr old that I take care of and do everything with. I am getting tired of all the emotional up and downs that we have. I am working on getting my self mentally ready to live with my son and me only. I have to get a job first. This is what a Attorney advised me to do.

Lilyflower

I ended it with abf, because he was stopping and starting again and again and I no longer felt the environment was a good place to be for me and my daughter. I needed certain commitments to sobriety that he was not in the position to provide for himself and consequently, us.

I am open to the idea of a reconciliation with him , because I still love him deeply. I want us both to heal and be happy. Hopefully he will share this view, when he gets himself together.

mean time I am enjoying my life, and realising how the freedom from the chaos is helping me in my own recovery. Being in the midst of it all meant I could not always focus on myself and daughter as much as I needed to.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

I think the reason that it so often comes down to divorce is because no matter how bad one person wants it to work, it takes two people to make it work. People are free to make their own choices in life, and unfortunately a lot of alcoholics choose to keep drinking. Many times when that happens, the non-alcoholic chooses to leave the relationship because it is the better choice for their own life. If I could choose for others, I would choose all alcoholics get sober. But, I can only choose for myself.

L

Pajarito

I am divorcing my AH, and we've been separated 8 months. My heart is broken, because I do love him, but he has not found true recovery. His behavior is very hard to live with. We have a dd who would have continued to watch her mom do everything to make a marriage work with no substantial work on the part of her dad. One person cannot make a marriage work. Unfortunately I tried for too long- 12 years- not all bad, but it was getting harder and harder over the past 3 or so years. I feel like I have two options- stay in it and not get my needs met, or leave and finally find some peace and health- mental as well as physical. It's been stressful living with his addiction and inability to see the impact of his behavior on our family. I wish I could have made it work, but it's not about me- it should have been we, but he chose to drop out. All I can do is move forward in my life, and work on my own recovery.

abcdefg

Wow. I think LTD hit the nail on the head.

I would so choose sobriety, recovery, love, health and happiness for everyone in my life if I had that kind of power. But I don't. My Al-anon program teaches me I only have SOME power over my OWN life.

It is my experience that this is true.

I do not understand "why" people have to follow paths of destruction. But I have also learned something very important for myself:

"Why" is for me what a drink is for an alcoholic.

I become obsessed with "WHY" and I once I ask it, I can't stop. I truly CAN'T stop -- only my HP can restore me to sanity.

I realize now that wanting to know WHY my A loved ones are making "those" choices is just another way to (1) take the focus off myself and (2) think that if i figure it out, i will be able to control the situation in some way.

by letting go (which i only learned through working my steps), i am available for whatever comes. if someone in my life is working recovery or not, i am able to be loving toward them. sometimes that means staying, sometimes going, sometimes boundaries in between.

there are no guarantees in this disease -- but there are also plenty of miracles. my recovery helps me deal with whatever does happen, life on life's terms.

PrettyViolets

Considering that my husband lost his job last June and progressed in his alcoholism, it was necessary for me to separate. There was only so much verbal abuse that I could take, and I needed a responsible roommate. His parents are supporting him financially now that he is in recovery. It has made it easier for me to focus on my recovery and letting him focus on his own recovery being that we do not live in the same place. And then it is easy for us when we do get together to just enjoy each other.

But I also went into the separation realistically knowing that could possibly be the end of my marriage. And now, I am having to be realistic again when my lease comes up at the end of September that if he still is relapsing and still does not have a job then it would be difficult to continue the hope of making a marriage work out.

I still have hope for my marriage and pray about it.

:praying

i4getsm

Thanks for all to posting about this issue! I guess part of me wants there to be hope for my marriage. I never imagined my life without AH. Sadly, I don't think it's in the cards for us, but I'm having a hard time believing it. I can only continue to pray that God releases my heart from AH or turns AH's heart towards his family again (and away from alcohol and his bad behavior).

abcdefg

FWIW, this was basically my prayer, too -- and it was answered. I was willing to accept whatever the answer was. To be honest, a big part of me had actually become fearful that my HP's will was for me to stay! But I was willing to stay OR go, whichever brought the highest good for myself and the ones I love. You sound willing to do that as well. I hoped my x and I would make it together but it wasn't possible for us and I still feel sadness about that. I am very grateful that I took my time to accept that. If I had not, I believe I would be sitting here wondering if I had tried "hard enough," or had enough faith or many other things. As it is, I take genuine comfort in the belief that I have followed the will of my Higher Power in answer to those prayers -- I believe another term for that is SERENITY.

cen616

The 11 months I've been with my A have run the gamut. It started with him devoted to recovery, then a stretch of "dry drunk", now he's in relapse--fighting to abstain without any support and slipping. All of these phases have presented their own difficulties, though I'd take the first over any other.

I KNOW positively, absolutely life would be easier without him. I was alone a long time before he came along and it would be easy to do it again...But, for better or worse, I do love him. I hold out hope that he'll find his own way and get back to recovery. He was sober for nearly three years before we met, so I know he can do it.

I also know it is his decision. I can't make him do it. I can't change a thing he does. So, for today, I choose to detach and take care of myself while letting him stay in my life and our home. I prepare for the fact that, though his relapse hasn't damaged our life TOO much (yet), I might soon have to ask him to go until he chooses sobriety again.

I don't think, in the long run, one can stay with an active A after a certain point and stay healthy. But, only you can make the decision as to what that point is for you.

LostGuy

And that's the thing, isn't it? For me, and I'm sure for most people here, we will go through hell for our marriages, and fight like hell for them. But to echo what others have said, if the other person isn't even trying, you almost have to walk away for your own health. If my AW had chosen to stay sober when we seperated, there was a chance we could have worked things out. But she dealt by crawling back into a bottle. And marriage is hard enough to make work when two rational people who listen to each other and try to comprise are in it. How can it possibly work, how can you possibly work through inevitable issues, when one person is consistantly mentally checked out?

i4getsm

That's where my thinking is leading me as well. I (me, one person) cannot make OUR marriage work. "Mentally Checked Out"...I like that definition...very accurate. Emotionally Checked Out too when their feelings are numbed by the alcohol.