I goofed up and so did my son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I goofed up and so did my son
I want to tell on myself here, listen to your feedback, and then try to move on. My 17 yo son finished treatment in Jan, and part of the agreement on his return home was that he would be drug tested (randomly). Well, I did not do that. I rationalized that until I saw evidence or had reason to doubt I would just let things ride. So...after a few months of not being tested he went ahead and smoked pot. When I confronted him he told me that because he hadnt been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
You can't follow him around for the rest of his life and drug test him. He has to want to stay clean for himself. He is an addict and addicts don't need any excuses to use, but they will sure take one if you are so willing to take the blame. When he turns 18 you will have no control anyway and I bet that he will not so willingly submit to a drug test. Don't beat yourself up over it. Hugs, Marle
Guest
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Fremont, NE
Posts: 810
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
I want to tell on myself here, listen to your feedback, and then try to move on. My 17 yo son finished treatment in Jan, and part of the agreement on his return home was that he would be drug tested (randomly). Well, I did not do that. I rationalized that until I saw evidence or had reason to doubt I would just let things ride. So...after a few months of not being tested he went ahead and smoked pot. When I confronted him he told me that because he hadnt been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
You didn't cause his addiction...you can't cure him.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
(((Jehnifer)))
It is not your fault that he chosed to use pot. He is trying to flip the blame on you because you didnt babysit him but that is only an excuse. To be honest I dont believe in drug testing there are so many ways our addicts could get around it.
hugs to you and remember him smoking has nothing to do with you not testing him.
hugs,
Jewelz
It is not your fault that he chosed to use pot. He is trying to flip the blame on you because you didnt babysit him but that is only an excuse. To be honest I dont believe in drug testing there are so many ways our addicts could get around it.
hugs to you and remember him smoking has nothing to do with you not testing him.
hugs,
Jewelz
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by jhenifer
I want to tell on myself here, listen to your feedback, and then try to move on. My 17 yo son finished treatment in Jan, and part of the agreement on his return home was that he would be drug tested (randomly). Well, I did not do that. I rationalized that until I saw evidence or had reason to doubt I would just let things ride. So...after a few months of not being tested he went ahead and smoked pot. When I confronted him he told me that because he had been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement. Had I done it he may not have slipped. How do I get over being so angry at myself?
So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up.
He told me that because he had been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it.
Now granted it is best to say what you mean and mean what you say .. follow through with testing so on and so forth, but by no means is it your fault that he made the choice to use.
Being angry at yourself will not produce anything other then blame, shame and guilt .. Let me say it again .... IT IS IN NO WAY, YOUR FAULT THAT HE USED.
Instead of being angry with yourself over someone elses choices .. may I suggest pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward testing him all the way. Don't give yourself room to blame yourself over someone elses choices.
If the only reason he stays clean is because you are testing him then it is only delaying the inevitable ...
Passion
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Progress not perfection.
Things happen just as they should most of the time.
Now you both know how committed to his sobriety your son is.
Recovery involves relapse.
Move forward without any guilt.
Parenting an addict is not for the faint at heart.
Best wishes
Things happen just as they should most of the time.
Now you both know how committed to his sobriety your son is.
Recovery involves relapse.
Move forward without any guilt.
Parenting an addict is not for the faint at heart.
Best wishes
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Jehnifer
I am wondering why on earth you could be mad at yourself? You did not goof up at all, your son did! Do not let him put any of this off on you. As a recovering addict/alcoholic who began using at the age of 11, believe me, I tried (and succeeded at times) at shifting the blame on my Parents as well as others. I blame their divorce for my picking up in the first place. I did pick up for the first time when I found out they were getting a divorce, but it was NOT their fault. I choose to pick up.
Have you been to any Alanon? I understand there is also a similar group for families of addicts specifically, I believe Naranon. I think either one of these would be a huge support system for you. Obviously you know that addiction is a family disease. They are not going to tell you how to help your son stay clean, they will help you with your issues surronding his addiction and how it has effected you. That's the only area you ultimately have any control over.
As mentioned, your son is 17, soon you will more than likely have a heck of a time getting him to submit to urines for you. I also want to cue you in to something here. You mentioned that you told him you were going to "drop him" which means test his urine, once a week. Do not let him know in advance when this will be. Us addicts are sneaky enough to have a friend who is clean pee in a little bottle for us for $ or whatever and pour that into your little testing cup. Is this one of the store bought testing kits? Do they have a temperature monitor on them? Obviously you can't go in the bathroom with your son and watch him pee in the cup. But if you are unable to have a responsible male (not one of his friends) go in the bathroom with him, tell him he has to empty his pockets. This also includes his socks. Socks are a great place to hide drugs and misc. things. I know. I did it for years. And when you tell him it's time to drop, don't let him pull a 'I don't have to pee right now, I'll go later.' This is his way of getting someone elses' urine. When I was in outpatient treatment, there was one woman who was always dropping clean urines but it was obvious that she was still using. One morning, when she was told to drop, she said she'd have to wait awhile, she didn't have to go. So she went outside to smoke a cigarette. When she came in, she had to pee. A few hours later, she asked to be excused from group to use the bathroom, the counselor went with her and dropped another urine.Wouldn't you know, the first one was clean, the second one wasn't.
Us addicts are sneaky, manipulative people. We will find anyone who we can shift the blame on. And if you continue to take this on, you won't be helping him at all.Had you set consequences of what will happen if he is dirty? I'd suggest setting some and make sure that you stick with it. Don't, not even for one time waver, he will see this as a weakness and play on that with you.
If you don't mind me asking, what is his drug of choice? What kinds of drugs has he used?
I apologize for being so wordy, I just feel so strongly about this. I put my own parents through hell when I was using, like I said since I was 11. I was 43 years old when I got into Recovery so you can imagine the extent of my addiction. By the Grace of God, I celebrated 1,000 days clean and sober yesterday! I have a 19 year old Son, who,thankfully went the opposite path of his mother. He is very anti drug/alcohol/smoking ect. He has seen what all of these addictions have done to me. But I have to remember, if he would ever begin to pick up, all I can do is share my experience with him, remind him what it cost me and Pray.
Prayer will help any situation that is out there. I will Pray for you and your Son.
God Bless,
Judy
I am wondering why on earth you could be mad at yourself? You did not goof up at all, your son did! Do not let him put any of this off on you. As a recovering addict/alcoholic who began using at the age of 11, believe me, I tried (and succeeded at times) at shifting the blame on my Parents as well as others. I blame their divorce for my picking up in the first place. I did pick up for the first time when I found out they were getting a divorce, but it was NOT their fault. I choose to pick up.
Have you been to any Alanon? I understand there is also a similar group for families of addicts specifically, I believe Naranon. I think either one of these would be a huge support system for you. Obviously you know that addiction is a family disease. They are not going to tell you how to help your son stay clean, they will help you with your issues surronding his addiction and how it has effected you. That's the only area you ultimately have any control over.
As mentioned, your son is 17, soon you will more than likely have a heck of a time getting him to submit to urines for you. I also want to cue you in to something here. You mentioned that you told him you were going to "drop him" which means test his urine, once a week. Do not let him know in advance when this will be. Us addicts are sneaky enough to have a friend who is clean pee in a little bottle for us for $ or whatever and pour that into your little testing cup. Is this one of the store bought testing kits? Do they have a temperature monitor on them? Obviously you can't go in the bathroom with your son and watch him pee in the cup. But if you are unable to have a responsible male (not one of his friends) go in the bathroom with him, tell him he has to empty his pockets. This also includes his socks. Socks are a great place to hide drugs and misc. things. I know. I did it for years. And when you tell him it's time to drop, don't let him pull a 'I don't have to pee right now, I'll go later.' This is his way of getting someone elses' urine. When I was in outpatient treatment, there was one woman who was always dropping clean urines but it was obvious that she was still using. One morning, when she was told to drop, she said she'd have to wait awhile, she didn't have to go. So she went outside to smoke a cigarette. When she came in, she had to pee. A few hours later, she asked to be excused from group to use the bathroom, the counselor went with her and dropped another urine.Wouldn't you know, the first one was clean, the second one wasn't.
Us addicts are sneaky, manipulative people. We will find anyone who we can shift the blame on. And if you continue to take this on, you won't be helping him at all.Had you set consequences of what will happen if he is dirty? I'd suggest setting some and make sure that you stick with it. Don't, not even for one time waver, he will see this as a weakness and play on that with you.
If you don't mind me asking, what is his drug of choice? What kinds of drugs has he used?
I apologize for being so wordy, I just feel so strongly about this. I put my own parents through hell when I was using, like I said since I was 11. I was 43 years old when I got into Recovery so you can imagine the extent of my addiction. By the Grace of God, I celebrated 1,000 days clean and sober yesterday! I have a 19 year old Son, who,thankfully went the opposite path of his mother. He is very anti drug/alcohol/smoking ect. He has seen what all of these addictions have done to me. But I have to remember, if he would ever begin to pick up, all I can do is share my experience with him, remind him what it cost me and Pray.
Prayer will help any situation that is out there. I will Pray for you and your Son.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Please focus on yourself and your personal boundaries because unless his reasons for staying clean change, you are going to have to make some tough choices regarding his living arrangements etc. pretty soon. Best to be prepared. I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Your son may have goofed (sic) up, but you did just fine
OK, I've gone through the posts and hit the thank you button for all.....cause they're all great responses. I just wanted to add....."
"part of the agreement on his return home was that he would be drug tested (randomly)...When I confronted him he told me that because he hadnt been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it...I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement...So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up..."
I guess I could have quoted your whole original post, but I just wanted to hit the hilights....for me anyway. Someone else here posted about boundaries and that when we make then we need to stand by them.....BUT I don't see that you wavered.....
Your agreement with your son was to be drug tested RANDOMLY....once in three months, or even longer would still be random in my book; in fact I see you're waiting so long was perfect. I just see it as you hadn't gotten to your first random drug test date yet.....He's just using your NOT testing him as an excuse.....Addicts are real good at excuses and manipulation, especially at throwing the responsibility on anyone but themselves.....
I guess all I really wanted to say here is that it's NOT your fault; if he'd wanted to use, and you were testing once a week randomly, I'd bet money that he'd find a way to use.....and to him it would still be your fault.... (o: Testing or not, his recovery is just that......his.....like others have said, it's NOT your fault......just keep doing what is best for YOU (the most important person in your life right now)............. (o:
NoelleR
OK, I've gone through the posts and hit the thank you button for all.....cause they're all great responses. I just wanted to add....."
"part of the agreement on his return home was that he would be drug tested (randomly)...When I confronted him he told me that because he hadnt been tested he figured I wasn't going to test him and so he took the chance and did it...I am sooo mad at myself for not testing him as per the agreement...So now... I WILL test him weekly, and told him this. I hate that I goofed up..."
I guess I could have quoted your whole original post, but I just wanted to hit the hilights....for me anyway. Someone else here posted about boundaries and that when we make then we need to stand by them.....BUT I don't see that you wavered.....
Your agreement with your son was to be drug tested RANDOMLY....once in three months, or even longer would still be random in my book; in fact I see you're waiting so long was perfect. I just see it as you hadn't gotten to your first random drug test date yet.....He's just using your NOT testing him as an excuse.....Addicts are real good at excuses and manipulation, especially at throwing the responsibility on anyone but themselves.....
I guess all I really wanted to say here is that it's NOT your fault; if he'd wanted to use, and you were testing once a week randomly, I'd bet money that he'd find a way to use.....and to him it would still be your fault.... (o: Testing or not, his recovery is just that......his.....like others have said, it's NOT your fault......just keep doing what is best for YOU (the most important person in your life right now)............. (o:
NoelleR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
thank you all for the responses and feedback!! It helps me GREATLY. I do attend alanon now and am going tonight. I know it was son's choice but I do need to stick with what I committed to doing. And I am disheartened by the reality that he was chomping at the bit waiting for an opportunity to sneak it in when he thought he could get away with it, meaning he's far from recovered. This pains me to realize.
He was a daily pot smoker before treatment and had used just about everything else in pill form that he came upon.
And I will be careful about the drug tests, to try to prevent his cheating. His dad suggested I occasionally take him somewhere for them. But all of this burden on us as parent's really wears me down. His success at recovery cannot be dependent on me and my (in)ability to everything right! He has GOT to want it for himself.
He was a daily pot smoker before treatment and had used just about everything else in pill form that he came upon.
And I will be careful about the drug tests, to try to prevent his cheating. His dad suggested I occasionally take him somewhere for them. But all of this burden on us as parent's really wears me down. His success at recovery cannot be dependent on me and my (in)ability to everything right! He has GOT to want it for himself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say, nothing you decide or don't decide and all the mother's love in the world won't make a whit of difference whether he uses or doesn't use. If it would, then not one of us would be here.
Personally, I think drug testing is demeaning to the tester and the person tested, and they are often not accurate anyway and good only for the moment they are taken. An hour later he may use figuring it will be a while before the next test.
What matters here is how this all affects you. How much are you prepared to tolerate and have you established any personal boundaries that you are prepared to back?
I needed support, meetings and a program to help regain my balance. Doing the codependent dance with my son just made me dizzy and exhausted me.
As a mom, my heart and prayers go out for you, I know how awful it is to be us. But it doesn't have to stay awful, not if we take good care of ourselves and make certain that we aren't sucked into the dark hole of addiction with them.
Your fault? Pfffffftttt. Not likely. We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Hugs
Personally, I think drug testing is demeaning to the tester and the person tested, and they are often not accurate anyway and good only for the moment they are taken. An hour later he may use figuring it will be a while before the next test.
What matters here is how this all affects you. How much are you prepared to tolerate and have you established any personal boundaries that you are prepared to back?
I needed support, meetings and a program to help regain my balance. Doing the codependent dance with my son just made me dizzy and exhausted me.
As a mom, my heart and prayers go out for you, I know how awful it is to be us. But it doesn't have to stay awful, not if we take good care of ourselves and make certain that we aren't sucked into the dark hole of addiction with them.
Your fault? Pfffffftttt. Not likely. We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
First off, he needs to want to quit. It doesn't sound like he does. It sounds like he's just going through the motions so he doesn't honk you offf.
Second, I learned the hard way to always take them up on a drug test. First time around this block, he offered to take drug tests every week to prove he wasn't on anything. I said "no, that's ok." He relapsed.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen stories where the addict says, "I'll TAKE a drug test JUST to prove it to you!" and few ever accept that proposal. The addict counts on that.
But, in the end, it's not your fault. Never was. Never will be. As a parent, I'd drug test my minor. When they are 18, that's another story.
Sending you lots of love, though. Lots and lots!
Second, I learned the hard way to always take them up on a drug test. First time around this block, he offered to take drug tests every week to prove he wasn't on anything. I said "no, that's ok." He relapsed.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen stories where the addict says, "I'll TAKE a drug test JUST to prove it to you!" and few ever accept that proposal. The addict counts on that.
But, in the end, it's not your fault. Never was. Never will be. As a parent, I'd drug test my minor. When they are 18, that's another story.
Sending you lots of love, though. Lots and lots!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am another mother not fond of tests. It captures a moment in time. If it turns up dirty, the addict will deny it. If it's clean, he could be high 15 minutes later.
Words mean nothing. It's all about actions and if he is using you will know, soon enough. Then what.....
I don't remember where I read it, maybe here.....a mother of an underage addict who made him sleep in the garage as she would not have an active addict in the house. How cool is this?
Words mean nothing. It's all about actions and if he is using you will know, soon enough. Then what.....
I don't remember where I read it, maybe here.....a mother of an underage addict who made him sleep in the garage as she would not have an active addict in the house. How cool is this?
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Funny story about drug testing:
I have a friend who, in her craziest days, told her husband they needed to look into buying drug tests by the case so they could save money.
I think she would have had more success using that money to try and teach dogs how to talk.
I have a friend who, in her craziest days, told her husband they needed to look into buying drug tests by the case so they could save money.
I think she would have had more success using that money to try and teach dogs how to talk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
As a mom who went through drug use with my daughter for 6 yrs. I never drug tested her. I didn't see the point. My instincts were much more accurate than any drug test.
If they are going to use, they are going to use. In time you will see the handwriting on the wall.
Save your money and treat yourself to something nice because it was never your fault.
If they are going to use, they are going to use. In time you will see the handwriting on the wall.
Save your money and treat yourself to something nice because it was never your fault.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
And I will be careful about the drug tests, to try to prevent his cheating.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Even though my son was age 19, as part of his probation, the judge also had me in front of her so that my son and i could know exactly what was expected from him during probation. I thought that was excellent for the judge to do that - no manipulation by my son!!
I would write his infractions on a calendar. Did not do drug testing, though. The bad part was that it was exhausting on me and did keep me from pursuing my own recovery. When we went for the the first follow-up meeting for probation, i took that calendar plus the bottle of herb drink he had used to try and adulterate his urine. Thankfully, the judge took him directly to jail. But i did tell her that if she was not going to take him to jail that, even though it was a stipulation of probation that he live with me, i was going to have to have him leave the home because i was literally beside myself from keeping tabs on him while he ignored all the rules of the house.
Hope that helps. Your son may be only 17 and you may have to do some things now because of that, but that time is quickly coming to an end.
Drug testing has its pros and cons. The ones that cost $30 test only four drugs - good grief, don't you think you son knows which drugs will not show up on the tests you buy?? And don't think he hasn't been up to the drug store to see which tests are available for you to buy and what those tests screen for....
It's a journey for you. Keep coming back...
I would write his infractions on a calendar. Did not do drug testing, though. The bad part was that it was exhausting on me and did keep me from pursuing my own recovery. When we went for the the first follow-up meeting for probation, i took that calendar plus the bottle of herb drink he had used to try and adulterate his urine. Thankfully, the judge took him directly to jail. But i did tell her that if she was not going to take him to jail that, even though it was a stipulation of probation that he live with me, i was going to have to have him leave the home because i was literally beside myself from keeping tabs on him while he ignored all the rules of the house.
Hope that helps. Your son may be only 17 and you may have to do some things now because of that, but that time is quickly coming to an end.
Drug testing has its pros and cons. The ones that cost $30 test only four drugs - good grief, don't you think you son knows which drugs will not show up on the tests you buy?? And don't think he hasn't been up to the drug store to see which tests are available for you to buy and what those tests screen for....
It's a journey for you. Keep coming back...
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