Pajarito

I'm afraid today about how angry I feel. I've been separated from my AH for 8 months- he left. He left me with everything to deal with- the house, the child, the dog, the bills. He not only drank, but he had 2 emotional affairs and had so little remorse about them it was unreal. After 17 years together he has had nothing substantial to say about anything. EXCEPT ME!!! He can talk all day about how I tried to control him, about how nothing he ever did was good enough, about how I can never accept him for who he is, blahblahblah. I am so tired of being blamed for everything. Mind you- I know I am no saint. Yes- I am half of this relationship, and I own what I said/did. He cannot own a thing- will not take responsibility for anything. It is maddening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been walking a fine line here between trying to be compassionate- he's sick, and trying to understand how a smart man with a law degree can be so utterly self absorbed and uncaring! He's sick, but how much of his crappy behavior can I blame on alcoholism? And really- who cares? His behavior stinks! He went to rehab a year ago- and obviously went through the motions. I don't know if he's drinking, but it just doesn't matter. He sucks! (I am really trying hard not to type the f-bomb!)

He's been my husband for 12 years, and a crappy one at that. Now I get to take care of our child- all the responsibilities- while he sees her for a few hours here and there. He sweeps in and does fun things with her, and I get to be the responsible one- making sure she gets to school, piano lessons, homework, doctor. . . I am dealing with trying to get our house on the market, working, going to school, teaching. . . No, I do not want to portray myself as a martyr here either. I'm just MAD! He skips off to his apt. to do whatever and yet again I'm the responsible one. Thankfully I can be present enough for our dd to be a source of stability. And BTW- I do fun things with her too. I'm just crabby because this is basically what it was living with him- me responsible, him another child to deal with.

Maybe I'm just hurt/mad that he has nothing for me after 12 years of marriage. No apology- just pointing his finger at me whenever "we" come up. I finally set a boundary this past friday. We talked to dd about a divorce. (Thanks to all of you for your thoughts.) It was ok- we cried, and she said she was angry, but is excited about having another bedroom to fix up- go figure. She's 10.) After this I asked AH to talk about what's next. I told him I have no more energy for his accusations. I will not listen to anymore blaming or talk about what he didn't get or how deprived he was. If he does choose to talk that way I will end the conversation. Basically his response was, "same to you, but more of it." UGH! I just want to scream at this man. I don't feel like I've really gotten my anger out. I've been afraid to for some reason- maybe because it's so big? Maybe because he's sick? Maybe I'm mad at myself for putting up with crap for so long- and now I get balmed for all of our problems. I don't know, but I am just mad today. My whole life is in upheaval mode- granted I will come out of it better than when I was with him- better in terms of more peace- but right now I am just angry. . . Someone help me here. I feel like I'm being a whiner, but I also feel like I have a right to be mad. <BLAH!>

hopeangel

hey paj, man can i sympathize with you. my ah is the exact same with the attitude. if fact he has said the exact same words yours has a hundred times. it is enough to drive you insane if you let it. you just want to shake them. i am sorry you are going through this. thanks for giving me fair warning of what i will be up against because i know it will probably get much worse.

in reading your post really all i can think actually, is good!!! paj has come to another stage in the mourning processes. good you finally found anger, now you can release it once you address it kick, scream, shout, punch pillows, exercise, whatever you need to do to get it out of your system.

...and please, don't own his mess (only yours like you already seem to be doing great at) and don't take his words to heart as it seems common for A's to feel the same victomized way, so don't take it personally.

hadenoughnow

I am going through the same stuff and the only thing that helps is not having contact with the A unless it's absolutely necessary and hanging up if he starts quacking. I have come to the conclusion that they are only happy if they can suck every ounce of energy and every dime we have until there is nothing left, anything less than that leaves them disatisfied. Stepping away and not engaging helps my sanity.

Pajarito

Thanks hopeangel. I feel like I haven't really felt this much anger in the past 8 months. I'm not sure what's been holding me back, but I know I need to feel it. And then get over it. His victim mentality- oh poor me- just makes me want to scream! Yes- I was part of our crazy dynamic, but is this what I get? All the responsibility? No remorse? Unbelievable.

No- I'm going to get so much more- PEACE! Yes, that and a place I can call mine. No stinky socks laying around, no dishes up to my ears because he wanted nothing to do with them, no having to wake a grown man up every day, because he refused to do it on his own leaving me with having to get our daughter out the door, dog walked, etc, no making dinner for an ungrateful man who got up before dinner was over to go spend the night on the couch watching tv- then wondering why I wasn't ready for sex when he wanted it, no more trying to have a conversation with the side of his face while he watched tv all night or played computer poker, no more begging him to help with the yard or cleaning the house or taking me out. . . NO MORE!

Pajarito

Unfortunately we have a dd together, so I will have to get through this anger to a more peaceful place where I can deal with him. I look forward to that- to not feeling so hurt and angry. I'll get there.

they are only happy if they can suck every ounce of energy and every dime
In the meantime- I'm going to go shoe shopping tonight. :o)

NYC_Chick

(((Paj)))

Sorry you are not doing well today.

I think it's good you are really angry. I'm just getting there. You know the truth, though. Although I'm sure you are not perfect, none of us are. Knowing what you are going through, you did the best you could with what you had to work with. I think we all do. I don't think I'll ever understand the alcoholic victim mentality, but they are always the victim, not matter what we do. I really do think even if I sacrificed my life for my ex he would still have something to complain about.

You will have peace someday. Some days I feel like it will never happen, but this is not worse than living with the constant head games and manipulation.

ToughChoices

Let's make a list: Alcoholism
Affairs ("emotional" or whatever)
Divorce
Irresponsibility
Blaming

Of course you're angry! You have every right to be angry!
Just reading the list makes me angry!

I have no doubt that you will come to terms with this anger eventually - that you will forgive your STBXAH and yourself. That you will move forward and find peace.

BUT...

Today is not the day for forgiveness. Today is the day for anger. (Maybe tomorrow, too, you've got a lot on your plate!)

Give yourself a break.

Forgiveness comes after the pain is fully experienced.

I'm thinking of you today.
-TC

i4getsm

Retail therapy is what I call it. Have fun! It sounds like you deserve it! It is definitely better (IMO) to feel angry than to feel hurt (which is where I am). Just praying I get there sooner than later.

Shannon

Pajarito

Yes! And why is it that when I read everyone else's posts on the same crap- I get angry- angry for them. But just now I am finally really feeling my anger. I've been angry before- but not like this. Maybe it's my boundary- finally telling him- in so many words- to stfu! Really- everything is bad enough without the constant blaming I've had to hear. I think I've just had it.

Pajarito

I have noticed that anger propels me forward. I'm going to go get some boxes today too- fill them up with JUNK! Clean up my life and get on with it! (((Thanks)))

DESIGNER

Thanks for the post.....man exactly how I felt yesterday. It is nice to see that I am not alone and actually am human and feel the way others do about these situations. THey are SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

GiveLove

I didn't start REALLY getting better, getting free, until I let myself get perfectly, explosively, beautifully angry. I did it in private ways that didn't affect other people (because, truly, they would've thought I should be committed otherwise), but I did it and did it in style. When those fires passed through and I cooled off, then the seeds of my new life could sprout.

You're doing just fine, Pajarito, imho !!!

lexusgirl

((((((Paj))))))

I understand that anger and how they can just walk away without any remorse or giving a f*ck. I felt this way moreso with my son's A father. He left me when he found out I was pregnant and got married to someone else a year later.

I ended up raising my son for most of his life. He swooped in every now and then to be the "fun" weekend Dad. But I'm so blessed that I had my son all to myself.

And remember to feel your feelings. My counselor said that is important instead of denying them. It's ok to be angry, you have the right to be.

You're doing so well!!! Hang in there!!:ghug3

Pajarito

(((Wow!))) What a story! And I can relate- I feel so blessed to have such a beautiful dd. Every night when I tuck her in or wake her up I feel so lucky. He doesn't get that- but that's his choice.

I need to figure out some healthy ways to be angry. I'd love to pull a Carmella Soprano and throw all of his stuff in the front yard! (But I won't) :o)

Pajarito

Oh- do tell. . .

LaTeeDa

A couple healthy ways that worked for me--journaling. I still have my "Book of Anger" and I still read it now and again. You've never seen so many !!!!!!!! and CAPS in one notebook! Another thing that worked was yelling and screaming in the car. I used to have a 45-minute commute each way to work. I would crank up some loud music and just scream and cuss and get it all out. Some drivers probably thought I was crazy, but better them than my kids, lol.

Yes, anger is normal and natural and you have every right to feel it! So go ahead! And like Anvil said, use it to motivate you. You really are doing great!

L

P.S. I would totally support you in the Carmella Soprano thing, too! LOL

NYC_Chick

One thing I did to get over some of the anger is I took old gym clothes left at my house, sat on the floor, and cut them up in tiny litle pieces. Maybe a little "Fatal Attraction" but I felt better and didn't propel my anger on to him directly.

I also love anger letters in big red pen! Of course, I never send them, but they help to get stuff out.

really_fed_up

Paj,

Here's a favorite quote of mine for you:

“Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

--William Saroyan

SO LET IT OUT!

Pajarito

Oh, I have a few of those pages. Lots of f-bombs too!

I'm wearing my Soundgarden cds out- lots of loud anger there-and yes- in the car!

(((Thanks!)))

Pajarito

Great quote! Growing up anger was a scary thing- directed at us kids and my mom by my dad. It feels really good to get it out in healthy ways- like running, screaming in my car- playing loud, angry music, journaling. . . I just need to do more of it, because it's still in me- a BIG part of me right now. (((Thanks!)))