mrssez

dont really know how to keep this short but i will try. I have been married for 6 months and known my husband for 5. He has a past of recreational drugs (parties etc) as do I. since being together and getting married etc we stopped this together or so i thought. there have been about 5 occasions where he has taken some sort of amphetamine behind my back and i have found out coz he has been off his face and i have known for a while that he tends to now do it when he is at home by himself only small amounts to fool me on days off work (i am at work then mostly). He finally admitted it this morning. I dont know what to do. He treats me like a princess in most other ways and helps around the house etc but he also has had a problem with gambling in the past and has physically abused me about 3 times. I have tried to get him to go to counselling for the violence and gambling but he wont go. i dont think he will go for the drugs either. i am at a point where i dont beleive a word he says now as we have had long talks in the past about ways to get past drugs and he has made promises that all obviously are lies and mean nothing. i love him and beleive marriage is something for better or worse but am so lost as to what to do to get past this. its not something i want in my life and we have been trying for a baby for a while now which i WILL NOT have this as part of my childs life either. plz help

itisatruth

First and most important: take care of yourself. Physical abuse has no place in marriage and you do not have to accept it as "for better or worse". As a former 'victim' of abuse, I can tell you it gets worse.....No one deserves that.

Reread your own post: he doesn't want to go to counseling.....for gambling, his violence....or prob drugs you say....that means he doesn't want help, he is not willing to change and he won't change unless he wants to. You can't make him want it. He seems to have a problem which won't go away with wishful thinking, any amount of love, or making things easier on him.

If you are willing.....is there a place you can go for your own safety? There is help available if you need it....going to alanon or naranon, women's shelters, domestic violence resources in the phone book.

I don't know you, but I do care.

mrssez

the physical abuse has only happened while he has been drunk so I feel safe around him when he is sober... i am thinking of staying at my friends tonight to give him a reality check that what he is doing DOES have consequences and its not all going to be alright everytime. Past that i dont know i think i need to let him sort it out himself and stop trying to find all the solutions. Im not the one with the problem, he is........ thanks for your reply

sobera

Hi. I'm no expert but here's my two cents, I think the fact that he's been violent to you a couple times when he was under the influence should be enough reason for him to seek counseling. You should point that out to him if you haven't. I really hope your husband seeks help. He's obviously a great guy from the way you describe him when he's sober.

katiedid79

Hi, this is what I did. I told my abf that it was up to him but I was going to start going to councling (for myself) and I thought that he should go too, to help out our relationship. And that I was thinking of making the decision to not continue the relationship on my end if he didnt go. Well I know you cant force anyone to do anything and some of you may think that this is controling but my main goel is to get him there and at least try it. If he decides to not go then Im going to go from there and I take it as a sign that he does not want to work on the relatioship . But I must follow threw with what I say if he dosnt get the help he needs. No one siad that he had to go to a drug addiction councler or even to get help. Just to explore the problems in the relationship. Unfortantly you cannot help him as far as any substance abuse goes becuase he has to see it as a problem and want to do somthing about it. I have a 6 month old and let me tell you if I knew that this was a problem when I was getting pregnant. I would have not had any kids. To late for me just got to deal with that part. Im sure things happen for a reason. Just not sure what the reason behind this one is. If he is getting verbal and physical abusive with you when he drinks/drugs it will get worse. And let me tell you aint nothing like an abusive guy who is not thinking in a healthy way and may do things that he wouldnt normally do when he is not drinking/drugging. It is a dangrous thing. I have been reading alot and doign alot of reserach here and on the web and im growing so much ... Even if he dosnt get better. I have also come or I am coming to the relation that this is going to be a life time problem with him. How much do I want to put up with? Do I want to live like this? Can I let things go and stop worrying? Becuase if I cant then thats not fair to my health and I need to get out of this relationship. My abf says he has a problem one week and the next week or even day he dosnt.........

Bernadette

hey mrssez,
sorry to hear of your struggles - sounds like you're getting good and fed up!

I noticed you mentioned the marriage vow "for better or worse" and I often see married people on these forums bringing that up. But what about the other vows? What about "love" and "honor" and "cherish?" Didn't your partner also make those vows to YOU? I think vows become really remote from an addict's mind- they'll "vow" to do one thing and then turn around and do the exact opposite. That's what addict's do.

I say DITTO what katiedid79 says above - lotta wisdom in there...

(((Hugs))) to you as you figure this stuff out - it ain't easy but it is worth it to get yourself healthy and out of the fog of HIS behaviors ruling your world.

Peace,
B.

Jwife22

He only beat me twice while he was drunk. That doesn't count.

Read this sentence as if you had an 18 year old daughter who had written the same thing. This is basically what your sentence says up there. Regardless of whether he was drunk or not, he hit you and that is a deal breaker. Marriage is NOT for better or worse when it comes to physical violence.

PLEASE do not bring a child into this home to witness physical violence, drug use, drunkenness etc. It will damage that child for life, believe me I know from personal experience.

What will you do the NEXT time it happens, and the next time and the next time. He apparently doesn't want help and obviously doesn't give a damn about how you feel about it.

I really REALLY do not mean to be harsh but as a child who grew up in a home where my dad was a drunk scarred me. I am 100% positive it helped me to marry an addict, even though he wasn't using at the time we dated or got married, he did afterward. If I'm real honest with myself, he was displaying addict behaviors BEFORE we got married and I ignored them because I didn't know how to deal with the red flags.

Please go to alanon or naranon and get YOU some help. It can make a world of difference and you deserve better than someone who is going to beat on you.

lostparent

I know you've most likely seen this before but read it an think about it.

I got flowers today.....

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other specialday.
We had our first argument last night, and he
said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things
he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started
to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers toda
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and
strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.

written by:
unknown

ZombieWife

If he was drunk and didn't remember beating you, what would he do to a baby who was fussy and would not stop crying?

Bringing a child into this mess is a disaster. Please consider that. It will not change anything (except in your life--YOU getting up to take care of the baby, YOUR life changing, YOU doing all the work while he does drugs, gets drunk, beats you and gambles.

You leaving at 4am because he's hitting you is possible now. Could you do it with a child in the house?

Please read what you've posted. Read it out loud. If you had a baby girl, would you tell her to stay if she were in this situation? Is there anyone in the world that you love that you would want in this situation?

Treats you like a princess? On what planet does "being treated like a princess" equate to being beaten and living with a drunk, an addict and a compulsive gambler?

itisatruth

Wow that poem posted by lostparent sent chills down my back, took me to a place I hadn't been in a long time-- it made me think of the time my ex pinned me against the wall and had his hand around my throat, in that moment, I thought that might be it, that he could kill me. I was trying to remember if my ex was always drunk when he hurt me, but I guess the bottom line for me was that it was never something I accepted either way....I mean it still took me years to leave, but I always knew it was something I couldn't live with....it just took time for me to find my courage: my son (in my pic) was young and thankfully wasn't around when things like that happened. Until once, when he finally did hear our fighting and knew something was wrong, he told me he didn't want to be around his daddy anymore. That was it. I still can't believe I let that happen to me for so long.

I wish you the best during this time. Whatever you do, I hope that you get some help for yourself--counseling with or without him, I really think it would help you get to a better place with everything you're going through.

outtolunch

My " thanks" button does not work and wanted you to know this is good stuff. Sometimes I think half the babies in the world are conceived with some kind of fantasy that a baby is going to solve the problems that the parents could not do for themselves. And it never works.

mrssez

thanks for your replies, that poem made me cry...

my husband has made the decision to go to counselling and has found a local place that can help with drugs, gambling and violence. So we will see.

whether he goes or not is the question. I am hurting still pretty bad by the realization that i dont mean as much to him as i believed (if i did he wouldnt have done this)

ive made the decision to not try for a baby anymore, which i did as soon as i found out that he was doing the drugs anyway. I want a baby so much it breaks my heart but i care more about the child to be than myself if that makes sense and it certainly is not a time that i would bring a child into now.

If the counselling doesnt happen and nothing changes i will be leaving. A very hard decision that will be if it comes to it but if he cant love me more than himself and his addictions what reason would i have to stay?

xx

Kurly

Hi MRSSEZ

In the last week I just went through what you are faced with. Sadly, I managed to avoid only the last paragraph of the poem. When I read the poem, I cried. My partner and I have 5 sons ranging from 14 to 6 years old. A fortnight ago my father passed away and I miscarried at the same time. Because I was away from my partner in my fathers last days and for his funeral, I guess I had time to find some inner strength. I came back to town last Friday (1 week ago) and told my partner I was staying away with my family until the Sunday. I put us up in a hotel room and called the Domestic Violence Crisis Team (DVCT). They were fantastic. I was lucky to also have a new friend to help me through. If I crumbled and went back, I knew I would leave the house in a body bag. My children had been hurt and he manipulated us to the point where we lived in ultimate fear. My partner suffers from substance abuse. DVCT put me up in a hotel for the next few nights and on the Monday I applied for a Domestic Violence Order (DVO) in court. I didnt even get part way through my story and the magistrate told me to stop. I had been granted the order. I was too scared to go home. We had accomodation in a womans refuge organised by DVCT. I eventually got the courage to go home on the second day (Tuesday night). We have been here ever since. I was scared, but I got through. He didnt come to the house. He called me and harrassed me on the phone, threatening to kill me and my family, but he didnt come. He knew the police were after him to serve the DVO. On the Tuesday night my partners sister picked him up and took him to her home. She made him go into detox. He started there on Thursday afternoon - today is his 2nd day. He still blames everyone, but he knows he has lost everything and I think that is what scares him the most.

We all have to go to councilling now and I hope the children get through it. I left it too long. He threatened and tried to kill me several times. I was so scared of him and I didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to leave and I didnt have anyone to go to. The friend who ended up helping me I only met in the last few weeks. I was lucky enough that she recognised the signs.

All I can say is that in my experience the services are very good and very discrete. They kept us safe. Now I am able to start my life again. Hopefully he can start his life again too.

Despite all he has done (cheating, violence, abuse, even rape, etc) I still love the real person. I'm not saying I would go back, but I would like to see him become the man that he is without the drugs and the violence. I will support him from a distance, because I think at the moment his family is the only thing keeping him going and not leaving detox. He knows that the door is almost shut and only open a crack, but if thats what it takes for him to be clean, then I'm happy to leave the door very slightly ajar.

Good Luck MRSSEZ and trust the services. They are there for a reason. I doubted everything. Had I not, I would have been out earlier and there would have been much less damage to my family.