So confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
So confused
I'm really so confused now!
I don't know where to go from here. Our house has had an offer made on it as we cannot afford to live there anymore what with my dad not getting a job due to the fact that he is drinking 24/7.
This means they'll get half of everything, but where do I go? My brother is willing to go where my mother goes – so a smallish apartment would work for now. I don't even care about the money – I just want out & away from them all. (I'll still have contact with them, but I cannot live with them anymore) My mother can be very malicious towards me – she blames me for some of the things that happened in our family because I could never give her the support she needed.
How could I support her when I was the one acting as the mother? When I was doing the chores, making food, caring for my brother? We do not get along. She wants me to make personal calls for her from my work because she'll get in trouble, but hey – it's the same here!!!! (she doesn't want to make the calls at home as he'll hear) Now, I'm “the worst daughter” and yada yada yada.....it goes on and on.
Why am I confused? Because I've got the opportunity to move out! Either with a friend – hire a small apartment – or move in with my bf & his parent – which would be very awkward – or my bf & I can see if we can't make a plan to get a place ourselves – this will be very hard to do (financially). But I feel guilty for wanting to leave them. My dad can do whatever he wants, but I don't know what'l become of my mother & brother...yes, I don't get along with my mom, but I can't just leave them can I?
Any advice????
I don't know where to go from here. Our house has had an offer made on it as we cannot afford to live there anymore what with my dad not getting a job due to the fact that he is drinking 24/7.
This means they'll get half of everything, but where do I go? My brother is willing to go where my mother goes – so a smallish apartment would work for now. I don't even care about the money – I just want out & away from them all. (I'll still have contact with them, but I cannot live with them anymore) My mother can be very malicious towards me – she blames me for some of the things that happened in our family because I could never give her the support she needed.
How could I support her when I was the one acting as the mother? When I was doing the chores, making food, caring for my brother? We do not get along. She wants me to make personal calls for her from my work because she'll get in trouble, but hey – it's the same here!!!! (she doesn't want to make the calls at home as he'll hear) Now, I'm “the worst daughter” and yada yada yada.....it goes on and on.
Why am I confused? Because I've got the opportunity to move out! Either with a friend – hire a small apartment – or move in with my bf & his parent – which would be very awkward – or my bf & I can see if we can't make a plan to get a place ourselves – this will be very hard to do (financially). But I feel guilty for wanting to leave them. My dad can do whatever he wants, but I don't know what'l become of my mother & brother...yes, I don't get along with my mom, but I can't just leave them can I?
Any advice????
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey Laan-
Hey, sorry for all the struggles you and your family are going through right now.
You sound like you are a mature young person on the verge of striking out on your own.
This can be a tough transition even without the added guilt/pressure/insanity of trying to escape an alcoholic household.
Feeling guilty keeps us locked up in the blame/shame game that is a common one in alcoholic families. This then leads to a lot of rage and depression because staying in the guilty lock-up paralyzes our will. You have to work on releasing that guilt.
Learning how to detach from other people's problems is one way.
Owning your own problems and mistakes is another. So that you can honestly apologize, make amends and then LET IT GO.
I had a really hard time for a while just allowing myself to enjoy life. Y'know like, how can I be having such ball when they are suffering? Certainly when I was in high school and my father was in active addiciton and my mother was completely in codependent insanity I remember feeling so guilty at times when I should have been having a great time...
Nowadays when I have a party or my kids have a special day and my brothers cannot participate because they are too drunk/f***ed-up that I cannot even INVITE them, I do feel SAD, but I do not feel guilty because I can choose how I let this disease effect me. I have a choice in each moment how to react, how to be who I want to be.
Life will always be imperfect. There is sadness and joy all around.
I think you will find enormous relief and begin your own life - the life you deserve, if you get away from your family and get a new perspective on their stuation.
You'll be a good example of independent living for your brother when he's ready to move out. Your mother has her own destiny remember - as do you.
Honor that and do what is best for you.
When we start detaching and focusing on ourselves it often leads to people stepping up their own responsibility - when they see that you're not there to push around etc.
On a practical level_ I am a big list maker - like making a pros/cons list and weighting the items on each side has always helped me to get my messy emotions out of the way and make a rational choice....just an option...
Good luck -
Peace,
B.
Hey, sorry for all the struggles you and your family are going through right now.
You sound like you are a mature young person on the verge of striking out on your own.
This can be a tough transition even without the added guilt/pressure/insanity of trying to escape an alcoholic household.
Feeling guilty keeps us locked up in the blame/shame game that is a common one in alcoholic families. This then leads to a lot of rage and depression because staying in the guilty lock-up paralyzes our will. You have to work on releasing that guilt.
Learning how to detach from other people's problems is one way.
Owning your own problems and mistakes is another. So that you can honestly apologize, make amends and then LET IT GO.
I had a really hard time for a while just allowing myself to enjoy life. Y'know like, how can I be having such ball when they are suffering? Certainly when I was in high school and my father was in active addiciton and my mother was completely in codependent insanity I remember feeling so guilty at times when I should have been having a great time...
Nowadays when I have a party or my kids have a special day and my brothers cannot participate because they are too drunk/f***ed-up that I cannot even INVITE them, I do feel SAD, but I do not feel guilty because I can choose how I let this disease effect me. I have a choice in each moment how to react, how to be who I want to be.
Life will always be imperfect. There is sadness and joy all around.
I think you will find enormous relief and begin your own life - the life you deserve, if you get away from your family and get a new perspective on their stuation.
You'll be a good example of independent living for your brother when he's ready to move out. Your mother has her own destiny remember - as do you.
Honor that and do what is best for you.
When we start detaching and focusing on ourselves it often leads to people stepping up their own responsibility - when they see that you're not there to push around etc.
On a practical level_ I am a big list maker - like making a pros/cons list and weighting the items on each side has always helped me to get my messy emotions out of the way and make a rational choice....just an option...
Good luck -
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Laan 
I can't just leave them can I?
Take time to think out what you want for you without considering anyone else. Make a plan based on that.
As Bernadette said, you will provide a fine example of independent lving. You can let your brother know he is welcome at your new place. You do not have to cut all contact just because you find your own place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Your both right hey - I know this - I knew this even while typing the post. But it's all about guilt.
Bernadette is so right in saying that I stay out of guilt and that I feel guilty because how can I start my own life (which I know would not be without problems) but it'll definitely be much better.
This is so hard, because I feel so overcome with guilt. I want to just live my life in peace now. You know, I'm so sad for my dad (I go through the stages - sadness, mild to extreme anger, compassion at times) He'll probably become homeless or die if we leave him. I kind of feel I'm being unfair, because he took care of me all my life & this is how I'm planning on repaying him....but even my colleagues are starting to ask me if I'm ok - I'm normally very bubbly and happy. It's like my personality has changed into this moody & depressed person.
May The Lord have mercy on his soul. He really needs a miracle from God to help him now
Bernadette is so right in saying that I stay out of guilt and that I feel guilty because how can I start my own life (which I know would not be without problems) but it'll definitely be much better.
This is so hard, because I feel so overcome with guilt. I want to just live my life in peace now. You know, I'm so sad for my dad (I go through the stages - sadness, mild to extreme anger, compassion at times) He'll probably become homeless or die if we leave him. I kind of feel I'm being unfair, because he took care of me all my life & this is how I'm planning on repaying him....but even my colleagues are starting to ask me if I'm ok - I'm normally very bubbly and happy. It's like my personality has changed into this moody & depressed person.
May The Lord have mercy on his soul. He really needs a miracle from God to help him now
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Try examining the guilt rationally and deciding whether you actually own something that sound lead you to feel guilty. What have you done that is wrong that leads you to feel bad about having done it?
Feeling guilt is often a characteristic of those of us who have grown up in an alcoholic family.
Feeling guilt is often a characteristic of those of us who have grown up in an alcoholic family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Laan-
Your dad is not in his right mind.
If he was you KNOW he would be encouraging you to fly - because it is the normal process of parenting. Our children honor us by their strength and independence and grace in handling life's many hardships. So in terms of "paying him back" you will be giving him the most incredible gift by continuing to grow into a fine young woman.
He may never acknowledge this - his brain is too pickled. And that is just an awful fact. But YOU know. And that's what will get you through these tough decisions. No parent in their right mind wants their child to martyr themselves. No way.
Be gentle with yourself...you want to stay in your right mind, and against all odds you can! If your co-workers are starting to comment then this is beginning to overflow your current coping mechanisms. It's entirely normal to need help!!
I know you were trying to find an AlAnon meeting....how'd that go? Or if you can find low-no cost therapy (sometimes Universities have really inexpensive clinics - where a graduate student works with you overseen by a faculty Dr. - I found one of these once - it was short term- 9 months but I got a lot out of it!)
(((hugs))) It is so hard. But hang in there - you do seem like you're moving forward and that is the best thing!
Peace,
B.
Your dad is not in his right mind.
If he was you KNOW he would be encouraging you to fly - because it is the normal process of parenting. Our children honor us by their strength and independence and grace in handling life's many hardships. So in terms of "paying him back" you will be giving him the most incredible gift by continuing to grow into a fine young woman.
He may never acknowledge this - his brain is too pickled. And that is just an awful fact. But YOU know. And that's what will get you through these tough decisions. No parent in their right mind wants their child to martyr themselves. No way.
Be gentle with yourself...you want to stay in your right mind, and against all odds you can! If your co-workers are starting to comment then this is beginning to overflow your current coping mechanisms. It's entirely normal to need help!!
I know you were trying to find an AlAnon meeting....how'd that go? Or if you can find low-no cost therapy (sometimes Universities have really inexpensive clinics - where a graduate student works with you overseen by a faculty Dr. - I found one of these once - it was short term- 9 months but I got a lot out of it!)
(((hugs))) It is so hard. But hang in there - you do seem like you're moving forward and that is the best thing!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Oh this is all so terrible. Found al anon meeting near me - but there's never an answer - the rest are simply too far away. Also on bad days. I've got way too much going on during week nights (doing a course with work).
Moan moan moan...lol. Yeah that's me, but it's actually not funny. Gonna check things out a little before just going (have started packing though)
Some nights aren't so bad - others like last night was horrible - wine all over the place, he messed the whole kitchen full. Apparently he couldn't even hold it in anymore - every time he took a gulp it would come right out again....
Ai, lets hope for the best!!!!
Moan moan moan...lol. Yeah that's me, but it's actually not funny. Gonna check things out a little before just going (have started packing though)
Some nights aren't so bad - others like last night was horrible - wine all over the place, he messed the whole kitchen full. Apparently he couldn't even hold it in anymore - every time he took a gulp it would come right out again....
Ai, lets hope for the best!!!!
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