good_luck

Today I sat down to write yet another letter to my ex. I sat down, and realized that there was nothing left to say. There is nothing I've left unsaid, there are no harsh words that I want to take back. Where things are now, silent and understood, is probably as good as it is going to get.

So many times I have resumed contact, with an obsessive need to at least "set things right between us" if we weren't going to have contact. But this time, it's different. I haven't done anything wrong, I couldn't have done anything differently or better. There is no amount of magical thinking that will make this go away.

He has all the information he needs, all the self-awareness. And he is drinking again. And it has nothing to do with me.

I know that, but the past few nights I have been reading all of the information I can, to shore up my resources. I want so badly to behave properly, and with grace, in this situation. But he's drinking again, and my only choice seems to be not to react.

If I am understanding, that is enabling.
If I am angry, that is enabling.
If I am sad, that is enabling.

I am all of those things. But if I keep it in my heart and head, if I just can manage to keep it to myself and let the problems that are not mine fade out, I won't be enabling. I can find no way to win in this situation. I'm not a person, I'm just always playing a role. I'm a pawn to his addiction. It makes me so angry. I am so much more than that, more that this thing that just reacts to another person.

He treats me badly, I love him madly.

Life goes on. This is about the 17th time life has gone on, but it's time for it to really go on.

This has been the hardest experience of my life. I don't know what amount of therapy could make me into the type of person who could ignore tear-drenched pleas for help from the person I love. My heart will never get that hard. And I never want it to. But I also don't want my poor, tender heart to go through that again. My heart is exhausted. It just can't hear this anymore. I need to protect it with everything that I have.

I wish that this was just heartbreak. But it's so much worse than that. I'm not a hysterical person by nature, but I can see clearly that this thing is taking his life. That's what is so painful to me.

But it can't take mine anymore. I can't let it. I'm finally crying, struck by the amount of stress I have been holding in, the burden that I am letting go of again, and how deeply it hurts to watch someone go through this and to feel so impotent.

I forced myself to look for the proof that I knew was there (thanks, internet). I found it instantly. First day on tour, first song, doing a shot and slamming a beer with the one member of the band that will still drink with him. I watched it twice, and saw how he insisted on a toast, and wondered what on earth he could possibly be toasting. And how on earth he could be cheerfully drinking days after confessing the most terrifying symptoms and behaviors to me.

But why even wonder about that? What sort of explanation could I possibly come up with that would satisfy me? There is none, there will never be one.

I meditate for him, and all of those lost and hurt by this horrible affliction, all of us. I know they are in deep pain. I hope we can all find a way out of it.

peaceteach

Sending you warm hugs, sweetie. I remember feeling "the end" and although it was very difficult, I never returned but moved forward after that point.

lexusgirl

((((((((((((good luck))))))))))) Sending you hugs and prayers.

It's so very hard to sit back and watch this happen. The pain is excruciating watching them slowly destroy themselves. I think this may be the hardest part for me.

My exabf has had a long long history of drug abuse (meth) and drinking before I met him. He told me everything about his previous life when we first met. I had never heard such crazy stories before. He has a scar from being stabbed by his ex wife when they were up for days tweaking out and she stabbed him. I thought how crazy to live that way.

He told me all of this when he was in recovery. Back then he was so proud of the new person he was envolving into. How healthy physically he was becoming by taking care of his body, working out and eating right. When I looked at him it was hard to imagine him living such a hardcore lifestyle.

Slowly and painfully he is going back...I have witnessed it over the months...part of me in denail...I don't even know him anymore. He has changed extremely fast.

It's all so sad..

triciafawn

I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do believe each situation is different. I do believe that when you've had enough, you've had enough. I do believe there IS a time to be "done".

You DON'T understand (the addiction). You ARE angry(because he can't stop). You ARE sad (because you miss him). But I don't agree that those things are "enabling". You can have those feelings and NOT enable him.

If it's one thing I have learned, HE has to quit for HIMSELF! Not for anyone else but himself. When HE has finally had enough of his life, he will get help.

makeachange

I hope that one day I can possess the strength and personal courage you're displayed in your post about your experience. I'm just starting my journey of trying to decide how long I'm going to stay on this ride with my AH, but your post clarified some of the things I've been thinking about. Sending prayers for continued strength your way...

T

denny57

My heart is not hard. In fact, it is filled with compassion. A large measure of that compassion came from the acceptance that I can not make another person's life right. Only my own - to the best of my ability.