DESIGNER

I was wondering what is the differance between a step meeting and a regular closed meeting?

Since I am no longer with my exabf will alanon still benefit me?

I am not sure if I want to go or not. I have been 2x before and never really got much out of it. Not sure if it was the meetings or if I was not ready to change myself.....kind of like an alcoholic going to aa.

Any recomendations would be great because I am not doing so hot right now. I am trying to keep my mind off of things but I end up crying all the time. I have to get some help and I don't have the money to see a conselor b/c my insurance company does not cover mental health.

abcdefg

hi, designer.

al-anon can definitely help regardless of whether you are still with the A. the best part is: you get to decide for yourself. i realized pretty quickly that my own thinking was so messed up, i really needed help with finding a new way to process things/live life.

i was in a severe state when i started the program. i couldn't sleep, eat or stop crying. then the irs came after me. then i lost my job. the meetings were the only place i felt safe. i was quite desperate.

a Step meeting is just one where the members discuss each step and how they have "worked" it. a closed meeting means that it is for people who identify as al-anon members. open meetings are for anyone (visitors, non-members, etc).

a word of caution that there are individual people in the meetings who aren't really working a program and do things like give advice (not cool) and try to dominate (not cool), but fortunately we can take what we like and leave the rest. i learned pretty quickly to ignore them and listen to the people who had something I wanted: SERENITY. okay, wait, actually all i wanted at first was sanity, which did not seem possible. but i just felt a little better around those people.

more than four years later, i have worked all of the steps (i'm going through them again by choice) and i have a life i absolutely NEVER could have imagined. it took a LOT of work -- more than i could ever express but it has been worth it.

i hope this helps!

DESIGNER

So if in a step meeting they discuss the steps then what do they discuss in closed meetings for people that are really affected. I think that the one that I went to a while back was a step meeting. Whats the differance?

abcdefg

well, they are the same in the sense that in any meeting they are talking about how alcoholism is a family disease, to some extent we, too, are ill and how we can live our lives with or without active As using the tools of the program.

in a step study, they particularly focus on the 12 steps themselves for the discussion. a "regular" meeting the topic could be anything from one of the slogans to powerlessness, to higher power. then members share their own experiences with the topic.

p.s. all meetings tend to be a little different so try more than one

DESIGNER

I just feel like I would not belong anymore......I also feel weak for feeling this b/c we are not together anymore. I just need to accept it and move on. I mean I am educated about the disease why can't I just accept that we will never be together?

Bernadette

Heya Designer-
((((HUGS))))
Sorry you are not doing so hot right now.

AlAnon works (or not) at different times for different people. But maybe for now since you are depressed just the action of getting to a meeting and if you feel like it, sharing your sorrow, will help lift the burden a little.

In my experience a Step Meeting focused on one of the twelve steps and people shared their struggles with working that particular step in their life. A "regular" meeting was simply more general, people shared about different things, including step work, but not limited to that.

Step meetings were good for me in that they felt more action-oriented and I like focusing/hearing ideas on what to "do."

And definitely the old saying "take what you can use and leave the rest" has to stay in your mind-- I mean, I've been to some wacky meetings! Where I just kind of sat there like "whhaaaaaat?" And I would try a different meeting the next time! Eventually I found a couple that I really "fit" with.

Sometimes - especially at first, I would walk out of a meeting utterly devestated - thinking - I can't handle this how is it going to help me? I had to accept that I wasn't going to leave every meeting feeling "better." That's not the point. But slowly, slowly I was able to take what was useful and start living it and then the biggest changes and benefits came my way...

Take it easy on yourself-- you're going through a hard time - I read your post about "there were other things" so you're dealing with a lot of difficult difficult stuff in the aftermath of a break-up w an alcoholic...I mean this is not easy!! Lots of unanswered questions - anger, resentment, and then the huge sadness of a break-up.

More (((HUGS))) and I hope you feel better soon!
Peace,
B.

Bernadette

"I am educated about the disease why can't I just accept that we will never be together?"

Well, because it is hard!!!
Acceptance takes time.
Take it easy on yourself.

Also when you say you are educated about the disease do you mean the disease of alcoholism?

Because the parallel illness to alcoholism is codependency and I feel like figuring that sh*t out is a life-long endeavor!!!

I sense you are angry about the break-up, about your exabf's "spin" on the why of the breakup, and you are turning that anger inward on yourself....

...now i think a certain amt. of this is good cuz it is teaching us not to make the same mistakes again...but also remember you are the only one who can protect that "vulnerable" you inside and you don't want to be a bully to yourself either!!!

So yeah, you don't wanna wallow and lose yourself but don't beat yourself up either!! And you do want to be careful since unchecked anger at the self leads to depression.
Peace,
B.

triciafawn

I am where you are, but you may be a bit ahead of me. I haven't gotten to the "anger" phase yet. I haven't accepted that we are no longer together yet, even tho he has not talked to me in a week, since the first day he went to detox and now he is going to a rehab. I still miss him, I cry all the time, I still love him.

and I am going to al anon so I can stay positive, and also to be around people who understand.

cmc

DESIGNER,
I've been attending Alanon meetings for many years and the chairperson of the meeting will keep things on track according to the guidelines of Alanon. It's a very safe place to share and learn from others who share.

If there is any advice giving, judging or dominating...I suggest you find another meeting.

A good place to start is a beginners meeting where you can learn about the way the program works...or at least how a meeting is supposed to be chaired. My second choice for a newcomer to Alanon would be suggest a regular meeting where any topic can be discussed.

abcdefg

One of the things that can happen to us after dealing with alcoholism is thinking that we are supposed to be able to handle everything.

That simply isn't true.

You are not weak. You are human.

In fact, everything you have expressed is IMHO a direct consequence of being affected by the disease.

What we suffer from is not cured by knowledge. Learning the facts of the disease has been an invaluable step for me in my own recovery. But there is no authentic healing without spiritual growth. All of this takes time. For me, being around other people who are learning how to do that is essential to my well-being. Otherwise, I'm up in my head, all by myself and, as my sponsor told me a long time ago: my head is a dangerous neighborhood i don't want to go into alone.

DESIGNER

That is exactly what I am doing. I am blaming myself for a lot of things that happened and I am turning that anger on myself. I know that I did not cause this to happen but I just feel like crap. I feel like crap because I know that we will never end up back together and i feel like crap b/c I have low self esteem. I have always been one where people look at me and think that I am so confident so if I tell someone that I am not they look at me like I am crazy and I get the whole you are beautiful, young and a good person....why would you have low self esteem.

Well I do and I need to work on loving myself. I don't think that I truly loved myself before the xabf came along and he was merely a temporary fix to make me feel better. Without him I feel like I am nothing.

I know that this is all wrong thinking and I have posted here before about this and have gotten replys but I think that I either need to talk with a counselor or go to alanon and take it a step further to see why I feel this way. I am confident with my physical appearance and somewhat of my personality but something inside of me is really messed up and I need to get to the bottom of it.

Do they have sponsers in alanon......someone that you can call if you are about ready to call the ex alchoholic in your life? LOL

lexusgirl

Designer-sounds like you're on the right road. A road of self discovery.

Al Anon is great as well, but I wanted to mention something about going to counseling as you stated your insurance doesn't cover it. There are therapists that offer a sliding fee scale. Just a thought.

denny57

(((designer)))

There are other ways to work the 12 steps, not all are Al Anon specific. That said, I found Al Anon very helpful because everyone there has been affected by alcoholism, as you were. You may gain great understanding of why you are unable to move forward right now.

I'd suggest trying 6 meetings, keeping an open mind.

Freedom1990

Yes, they do have sponsors you can call, and I wish I had thought of that before I made the mistake of contacting the ex alcoholic! LOL!

Bernadette

"I have always been one where people look at me and think that I am so confident so if I tell someone that I am not they look at me like I am crazy and I get the whole you are beautiful, young and a good person....why would you have low self esteem."

YES! You're really getting to something BIG here!

Part of being codependent is that we have this amazing ability to be really strong for OTHER people.

We project that strength and capability out to the world. We often don't accept help when it is casually offered - we cheerfully say no no I can do it!

People look to us for help. We help them. We sometimes go out of our way, above and beyond, to help people who need help.

But then when WE are falling apart nobody is really paying attention because we are generally running around taking care of everything and everybody so how could we not handle our own "stuff??!!!"

So, I certainly found that I had to ASK for help!! I had to ask over and over for help. I had to override all the messages from my family that I should be able to handle anything - and override all the messages from MYSELF that I SHOULD be able to handle everything.

I had to humbly go around and seek help. And then I had to humbly ACCEPT help. That was actually harder!!! Blech!! So hard!!

But alas, necessary.

You're onto something Designer---keep on keepin on!!
Peace,
B.

aztchr

I needed Alanon way before my ex and I were involved. My issues were there deep down and thankfully he brought them to the surface.

Each week, my meeting changes. One week it's a step, then tradition, speaker, slogans, and Alanon birthdays if there is a 5th week. I like the variety.

abcdefg

I wanted to add that I agree with Denny on a very important point -- Al-anon is not the only way.

It's just the only way I know personally so it's the only method I suggest. But I don't want to come off like an Ala-pusher!!:rof

DESIGNER

This is a big one right here. My family knows what I went through with the xabf and they are very supportive but I have mentioned before to my sisters(have 3 of them) that I need to go to alanon and that I come and chat on soberrecovery.com.

They say that I need to stop focusing on alcholism and stop coming to places like this.....they say that my ex and I are over and I am obsessing still about things and I just need to move on and find a better person to be with(they say all of this out of love I know).

The thing that they do not understand is that they have NO idea what I actually went through(confided more in my friends then family)

I know that I have underlying issues with myself and that is really what I need to get to the bottom of. With my self-esteem issues I could have picked up the drink to numb myself but instead I got addicted to having someone to love me in order to get over it....which of course that was bad b/c he ultimatly loved the alchohol before he loved me. I became second and so that reflected back to my self esteem issue and having the feeling that I was not worthy enough for him to change. He had issues to....that relationship was doomed from the start.

I found a good alanon meeting tommorrow and I made an appointment to go and see my dr on friday to see if possibly I can find a cheaper counselor to go to.

I know that I will be ok and I have a lot of change going on right now but I can't wait to be happy again......I shouldn't be crying all day on such a beautiful day.