graci

Hi all, I havent posted in a while, but have been reading alot these last few days, especially about detachment. Some very interesting words on the subject here on the boards. I'm a little confused however and would like some situation specific advice. My ABF is curently in jail, and has been for about 7 months. i have finally gotten it through my head that I cant talk with him about recovery or encourage him to get help, he sees it as me wanting to control him and gets angry or pushes me away then I end up upset and really, theres no point to that, Ive had some peace with him in prison and have stared taking care of me more. I frequently hear the addict in him making statements or the behaviors coming out in his actions, sometimes manipulative or trying to get a reaction out of me, or wanting me to do things that he is afraid to do for himself, that he is perfectly capable of doing himself. I also see him making decisions that I dont neccesarliy agree with, lately Ive kept my mouth shut and not put in my 2 cents about it. It is his life and his decision how he wants to try to handle getting sober or his recovery, not my place. However, I have a friend who is a recovering addict and has been sober 3 1/2 years. She told me that I should stop taking his phonecalls and stop writing him letters, just cut off ALL contact until he comes looking for me. She says that if I dont do these things I will LOVE him to death. I think its a bit harsh what she is saying. I can stop pushing my ideas on him, I can stop being hurt when he doesnt write a letter to me and even stop writing when i dont get return letters, I can stop telling him what I think he should do, and let him make his decisions, I can be happy and go out with friends etc. She feels I am enabling him by talking to him on the phone. I disagree. Her reason behind it is that if I ever want him to realize how his actions have affected me, then I need to cut off all contact and make him wonder.. I feel that if I were doing it like that I myself would be manipulative and that would be unfair. She says it wouldnt neccessarily be that but would get him to think about what he did that caused me to do that. I don't know, I think Ive made alot of progress as far as detaching. I enjoy when he calls and like to talk to him because I miss him. I dont think it will help much but make him worry and maybe feel like I had abandoned him when he needs support. Many of the things he has done, decisions he has made have affected me greatly and hurt me and our relationship as well, but to flip the tables like that just seems spiteful, and Im not and hope never to be that kind of person. Am I wrong, Am I right? Am I killing him by continuing to accept his phonecalls?? I would feel even more horrible if that were the case. Some insight based on experience would be really nice guys. Thanks so much

ANGELINA243

I'm not sure if you're necessarily killing him by accepting his phone calls, but if he is to recover--he must be the one to seek help for himself. I think you can be supportive but he has to want to be clean/sober for himself. If it takes you letting him be on his own for awhile--then so be it. Question is--is it really worth it? He is currently in jail--hopefully for nothing too serious>that might jeopardize your own personal safety. (I don't need to know why he is there) HE apparently made some wrong choices and is dealing with the consequences. You need to focus on you--you are not incarcerated--don't act like you are in bondage too. That is no way to live. I wish you both the best, but there is nothing you can do to change him.

CatsPajamas

I learned that "enabling" means to do for someone what they can and should be doing for themself. I am enabling if I call in sick for him, if I put money back into his account because he bounced a check, if I let him borrow my car because he wrecked his driving drunk...

I don't consider it enabling to tell someone that I love him, believe in him and encourage him as he makes changes in his life.

While he is in jail, this could be a good time for you to learn more about recovery. Have you been able to attend any Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area? I love my face to face meetings... it's so helpful for me to know that I'm not alone and there are others who really understand what I'm going through

Big hugs
Cats

frankly

((Graci))

What Cats just said sums it up pretty good. You seem to have a real handle on it yourself. I believe that any time you take actions, thinking it will have any affect on him or his recovery, is trying to have some form of control over him. Now, when you take actions of any kind for yourself those are healthy. Detaching with love. You do what you feel is right for you.

B

MsPINKAcres

Hi Graci,

Detachment for me, is about taking care of ME. It's about what is good, sane and healthy for me.
If phone calls from my loved ones that are A's are causing me to be upset, obessive about their activities, stressed and unable to focus on my job, my life, etc. - then maybe I need to detach. Because I need a break to regain my strength in what is best for me.

Then i have also learned in recovery that detachment is a loving way to allow my A's to find their inner strength, self-esteem to find answer to their own problems, issues and mistakes. In doing so, many times they regain that lost dignity and begin to walk with their heads held a little higher and find that hope in a life that they once thought was hopeless.

Now, sometimes, I can do that and still have a conversation with them - sometimes I need to have strong boundaries to say "I hate that you are struggling with this pain, as I am so close to the situation, it's hard for me to know what to say to help you, but I'll be praying for you and I'm sure that your HP will lead you to the right people and resources to help you."

Just my e, s, & h,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

graci

Thanku all for your replies, I agree, I have come along way. I smile again and have stopped being obsessed as to what he is doing. i will let him make his own choices even if sometimes I have to bite my tongue or when I'd much rather do this LOL!
I have joined the gym and go out much more often then I used to. He won't be moving back in with me when he gets out. He and I both feel that he needs to gain independence and live on his own so he learns to be more independent. He actually wants to move in with his younger brother, who right now is far from stable, and I dont think its the best thing for him right now, BUT it's not up to me. So I'm keeping my mouth shut this time, and letting him work it out for himself. SEE I'm learning. I have been only to one naranon meeting last summer and I didnt click with it, although I read lots of literature and I think Ive done pretty good so far. Looking back I recognize alot of things that I did that enabled him, like giving him spending money when he shouldve gotten a job, or letting him use my car, or live with me when he wasent paying rent. NO more. I do love him enough tho to let him start growing up on his own.

graci

By the way I forgot to mention that he isnt in jail for something he did that was violent, just something he did while using, a very bad decision... Hopefully he will learn from it.