Chrysalis

I guess I have been going to Al Anon meetings for almost a year and I have had a chance to speak with a number of people who have been in the program for a while. Lately, I find myself questioning some of the advice I get from those with children addicts vs those with spouses/partner addicts.

I think there is a difference in how the two camps give guidance. I wonder if it is because a parent has unconditional love for a child and somehow that is different than a spouse??? The other factor is, I think, the sexual relation factor??

I guess I am confused by some of the advice I get. Should I be speaking specifically with people in similar situations or is good advice good advice regarless of which camp it comes from??

LaTeeDa

Of course, you only know what decisions are right for you, regardless of how much advice or who it comes from.

In my experience, the biggest difference is that your child will always be your child, no matter what. You can't divorce them.

I take all advice I get with a grain of salt, no matter who is doing the giving. I weigh my options and make my own decisions. That is the only way I can be at peace with myself.

L

LucyA

I've pondered over this a lot myself in the past. You see the A in my life is neither my child nor my spouse, he's my brother. I still love him, but in a different way obviously.
I don't think I've come up with any solution other than to adapt any advice to suit my own needs, because when it comes down to it we can only help ourselves anyway.

NYC_Chick

I thought that as well in a couple of meetings. I still think the dynamic is different. My dad is an A and my relationship is much different because he will always be my dad. Detaching from him over the romantic partner has been much easier.

Chrysalis

...put up your dukes...there is no match for parental love, hands down!

True about treating the spouse/partner like a child but I don't think it's the same. The whole 'blood is thick than water' thing plays in. I believe that two adults can lose their love for one another. Oddly, I don't think it's so uncommon for someone not to feel in love or just love for a spouse and continue to care and stay, I think at least for a codependent.

Chrysalis

LTD, you must be a Libra or Taurus

Chrysalis

I agree, I have often said that I love my A dad to pieces, I think he is funny (not when he is into the sauce though), would do anything for him and continue to love hime more and more as I get older. However, I don't have to live with him so detaching is definitely easier. It wasn't always that way when I lived at home.

In a romantic situation the alchemy seems to be entirely different. There is angry detachment and loving detachment but I also think for me at least, there is neutral detatchment.

Kindeyes

Well....I've been on both sides of that fence. I divorced my XAH 25ish years ago and I am now dealing with my A son. I didn't have the advantage of the internet and I didn't understand addiction when I divorced.....I just knew that my life and my son's life would be better alone than with a person who was in the grips of addiction.

Fast forward to now......

I did get to the point where I was ready to walk out of my son's life. He's an adult and as such, he should be able to take care of himself. I'll never stop loving him. Ever. But I had to stop my own pain because it was killing me (quite literally). I couldn't stand to watch him continue to mess his life up. I wasn't giving up.......I was letting go.

(Note: My son is currently in intensive outpatient treatment and doing well.....but it was HIS choice to go.)

As far as Alanon and advice.......take what works for you and leave the rest.

gentle hugs

Chrysalis

Good news!

denny57

No one is qualified to give advice in an Al Anon meeting. Sharing experience, strength and hope allows me to take what I like and leave the rest. I have found wisdom in the choices made by parents and spouses. I listen and decide what might work best in my situation.

Chrysalis

Agreed, it's what comes after the meeting that often confuses me. Maybe I should 'take what you like, leave the rest and get out fast'

thanks

Rella927

Ditto on the brother-I have learned and although still a work in progress ...to take things that are going to allow me to feel better for me. My meetings include sharing, advice is not given in our rooms. And I gain more ESH everytime I walk in the room-and some I leave there. I do not try to figure out why I feel more for this or more that for anything or anyone-It is about me! As long as I feel good today that is all that matters-Trying to figure out things that really are IMHO Irrelevant to my recovery are a waste of my precious energy. It is what it is and I'm learning everyday to let it be.

Kindeyes

Now THAT gave me a chuckle!

denny57

I don't know what your meetings are like. Do people approach you after the meeting and give advice? Do you ask for it? Where I attend, the advice "rule" does not get turned off once the meeting is over. It's how I try to live my life.

An important part of my recovery and growth is the friendships I have made through Al Anon - many of the people I now consider friends I got to know by socializing after the meeting.

Chrysalis

Rella,
ESH??

Love your dancing girl!

Chrysalis

Well, generally the advice rule prevails but there is one person that I have called on a couple of occassions to discuss situations. He has given sound advice but I find now when I share at a meetings he tends to approach me afterward to get more detail. Many times you can gleam from the sharing who needs extra support after the meeting but many of my sharings lately don't require additional support. Could be that I am getting stronger and don't feel I need additional guidance. He and his wife have a son in recovery, so I think I should try to find someone who is female and in a similar situation to call in the future. I have begun visiting other meetings in hopes to find a suitable female sponsor so that I can really get working on the steps.

denny57

I think that's fantastic! Figuring out what was best for me and then taking action to make it happen was a huge part of my recovery and growth. One day I just realized I was doing it all the time, naturally. If it's time to move on, I move on.

I did leave my first sponsor. She helped me in many ways, but there came a time when I believed it was not working any longer. That's all that mattered - that I felt it was time to move on. No wrong, no right - just a choice. If it turned out I needed to make another choice, I make that one, too, and so on.

Now that I share my life with others, instead of looking for them to tell me how to lead it, I have deeper friendships - the most important one being with myself.

((( )))

sojourner

Been on both sides of the fence, so here goes.

When married, AH had the ability to put me in the poor house. Financially I was very vulnerable to what he did. Truthfully, I did not know who he was outside of his addiction. It was a guess.

As far as AS, i knew him from birth. I know very deeply how addiction has changed him. Even his brothers aren't aware of that as much as I am.

There are other differences, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment.

hello-kitty

The relationship may not be the same. Our pain may not be exactly the same. But the fact that my happiness becomes intertwined with the way someone else is living their life is the same. It is about me and learning how to draw appropriate boundaries in my life. Not about which people around me are doing what. I deserve to be treated like a human being by my spouse, my child, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my co-workers etc etc etc... I think codependency is my problem and that crosses into all my relationships with all people.

BohemiMamaof3

Yes, I'm in that boat, too with an abrother in recovery, and I agree.

What does ESH mean?