NYC_Chick

Today is probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It started off ok, then down the slope I went and I can't stop crying. This is for a couple reasons...

I can't understand why I was so stupid. I say stupid because I'm not sure what else to say about myself. I know it's self defeating, but I can't seem to stop it right now.

I was thinking about something xabf said to me in a fight a few months before we broke up. He obviously knew I wanted to get married (this is before I knew about his drinking) and knew that I was insecure about being my age and not being married. Anyway, he said "if you're so great, why aren't you married? There's obviously something wrong with you." I was so stunned I had not idea what to do. I just sat there and stared at him. He went to take a shower (or probably take a few swigs in the bathroom for all I know) and I called one of my best friends. It was 1 in the morning, but being the slave to work we are, I knew she would be up. She answered and all I could do was cry and tell her to talk about something to make me laugh. She didn't know what was going on and I couldn't tell her because NY apartments are small and he might hear me. I stayed on the phone with her for an hour. When I got off, he said, "you know, I was thinking of all your relationships and how bad you claim they were and that the one common denominator is you. Now I know why you're not married." He went on to say that he didn't know what it was about him and his brother (who I also believe is an A) but they always seem to find girls with issues with their father that seem to try to fill a void. Funny, my dad is an A too! I didn't crack, just went in the other room to try to sleep. He came in about an hour later, now close to 3 a.m., with work looming at 8 a.m., and said he was sorry. I told him as calmly as I could that the reason I thought I was not married yet is because I keep wasting my time on a**holes like him. I also told him I wasn't going to tell him what he did was ok and that I would not forget it.

To me, this was not just hitting below the belt, but going straight for the jugular. The next day, dazed and tired, I got home after work to a huge bouquet of flowers and a big I'm sorry note. He also wrote me some music (he's a very talented musician) and left the CD for me. Stupid me thought "ok. he's REALLY sorry and must just been having a bad day."

I thought about this a lot today and wondered why I stayed for that. I know people have had it a lot worse than me, but why did I think that was ok or that was love? So now I've got a huge set of boxing gloves on an a few bruises on my face. I'm not sure what to think of myself. I'm mad that I believed him and that I didn't see what he was doing to me. Oddly, I don't really blame him.. in some ways today I just feel sorry for him that he's in pain. I don't know. I went to therapy tonight and my therapist asked why I'm so quick to put it all on me and release him from responsibility. I can't even answer that.

Sorry for rambling. I'm really confused about myself today. Thanks for reading.

Impurrfect

((((NYC Chick)))

I can soooooo understand how you're feeling. I have had 3 major relationships in my life and looking back, I can see why they didn't work out. First was an alcoholic, 2nd 2 were crack addicts. I drank with the alcoholic, and smoked with the crack addicts.

Now that I'm in recovery, I'm taking a break from men. I realize that I always choose men who are not good for me. I don't know where I got this from, because I was raised by 2 "normal" loving parents who were married until "death did them part" when my mom died.

I'm just trying to figure out what I want from life, and going for it. I'm doing pretty darn good at my addiction recovery....my codie recovery still needs some work.

I put up with tons of emotional abuse, and a little physical abuse. I am just now starting to believe that I deserve better, but it's a long process. At least I now know what I DON'T want!

I know this probably doesn't help you any, but at least you know you're not alone!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

FormerDoormat

You know when I stopped feeling stupid? When I stopped calling myself stupid. I've taken enough abuse from people in my life. I will not abuse myself any longer.

It took me 24 years to see the truth. That doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.

Barbara52

Definitely not stupid. Please remember that the words we use, sometimes especially the words we use in the privacy of our own heads to describe ourselves, are very powerful.

What I see is perhaps his words hurt especially bad was because they contained a seed or two of truth for you. That's fine. It can allow you to find out why you act in certain ways, why you view yourself in certain ways. Perhaps the pain is bad over these memories right now because you are getting ready to deal with those issues. Sometimes a breakthrough is preceded by worse pain as we work things through on an unconscious level. I know that has been true for me on a number of occassions.

As to what your therapist said, well for me there have been lots of occassions where i forgave the pain someone else caused me at least in part as a way to avoid dealing with my own issues. Putting the focus elsewhere, even in terms of forgiving the nastiness was a way to stop looking inward.

Sweetiepie1

Is it stupid to try and see good in people and accept an appology?
I think not. Naive is probably a better word to use when peoples good natures are repeatedly abused and far gentler than stupid.

We can all be naive from time to time and sometimes too trusting but the flip side is cynicism and that's not good either.

Don't let him continue to abuse you by giving his nasty words so much power X

carolineb

NYC~

When you know better, you do better.

You will not waste your time with another man who treats you like this one did. I guarantee it. Add this to your resume of life experience and keep moving on. You're doing sooooo well. This is just a bump in the road.

Tomorrow is a new day. Chin up, girlfriend.:ghug3

lexusgirl

((((((((NYC Chick))))))))

Wow!! I had my exabf say the exact same thing to me...for this I have started to think something is wrong with me. He even went so far to say that my son's Father who is also an A, must of left me because I complained too about his drinking.

Thinking that my exabf was possibly "the one" I confided in him about my previous relationships and why they fell apart, only to have that used against me in a verbally and emotionally abusive way.

This is abuse-verbal and emotional, which is much more damaging as my therapist stated, then physical abuse.

I think that it is good to play the tape ALL the way through as you're doing, and trying to come to terms with the things he said and how you have suffered becasue of it. This will help you to move on; and someday chose a man that will love you unconditionally.

Hope you're feeling better

kermit

CrushedbyCrack

I think this is a script that all addicts rehearse. My AH has said pretty much the same thing to me on several occasions. Usually when I was pointing out his addiction to him. It's a way to cast blame elsewhere and a form of manipulation. Let it roll of your back like a duck. I don't let it bother me anymore, and you know what, now that it doesn't, I can't even remember when the last time was he said it to me. I think they only do what bothers you most, and once they figure out that doesn't work anymore, they move on to something else.

mamajama

What is that saying about not looking for your reflection in a cracked mirror? (Alcoholics can say the craziest stuff!)

aztchr

He's an ex for a reason. I had to stop playing the tapes in my head that stir up the pain.
You are worth more than that!!

Rella927

NYC I can totally understand how you are feeling-I agree with Aztchr-I use to play old messages, look at pictures etc....and when we stop doing that because we "are worth more than that" the pain begins to stop!

Something's I did to help myself:


(1) Al-Anon meetings , my Counselor The love and support of my family and friends-SR without a doubt!
(2) crying, expressing your grief and loss -
(3) Venting to all and sundry (usually those people mentioned in (1).
(4) Clear the decks..get all his stuff if there is any-pictures etc...reminders dont help. (Put it all in a box for now if you want till you are ready to get it out of the house)
(5) Keep busy-Take a nice hot bath with candles and bubbles, Go out with friends-Do your hobbies, cook or even take classes for cookie/crafts
(6) Write in a journal write your feelings down.
(7) Excercise..it releases the good (happy) endorphines into your brain.
(8) Hang out here with the rest of us at SR

And most important IMHO stop with the things that are reminding you of him! That only creates pain!

Good luck, we are here for you! You are worth it

PrettyViolets

When I was 14 years old, I was on drill team, and I really liked hanging out with the girls from drill team. I thought they were cool, and I thought very highly of them. Then one day, I followed two of the girls up to the lunch line because I wanted to eat at the same table as they ate at. One of girls turned around, looked right at me, and "Stop following me around like a shadow!" At that point, I did not really react. I just gave her space. The truth is that it just got worse--the girl continued to criticize me in front of people--and then eventually I did not make drill team for the next year (and I loved dance--I really had to give up that dream). I had a hard time forgiving her. I felt she was high on the totem pole, and she downplayed me like I was worthless.

I cannot tell you how many billion times I have played this in my mind. I went back to my high school 10 year reunion --and guess what that girl's bio said, "If I could go back to high school. . . I would do it exactly the same way I did."

I was only referencing this girl because there are some guys that say "if you're so great, why aren't you married? There's obviously something wrong with you", and it hits us like a thud because we really care about them and think highly of them. I think I later wondered why I cared so much about what this girl thought about me--that girl cared about her popularity and she did not care about if she hurt someone's feelings in order to achieve that popularity. Your ex may have cared more about his addiction, and marriage may not have been an important thing to him overall (some guys play it very cool when it comes to marriage).

It is okay to have dreams. Marriage is a beautiful dream to have.

I am learning to surround with friends who truly know how to love and be a loving person myself. And as life goes on, I am learning to set better boundaries with other people, especially my recovering alcoholic husband.

longhair61

I was thinking about something xabf said to me in a fight a few months before we broke up.


JUST TO ENCOURAGE YOU ,the first phrase ,you said about is the root to the domino effect you had/have experianced,

I'LL say it again ,The battle starts in OUR MINDS,I had to eventually ,put some major brakes on in my life and slow down so much so that i could start to pay much attention as to what i was always thinking ,cause as i started to practice this ,is were i found alot of disfunctional thinking/thoughts ,and it was those 1st thoughts that lead thee domino effect and then a mess , everything starts with some kinda thought ,and thoughts lead to a feeling-in turn then leads to an action or reaction ,go figure ,i finally learned how to stop a what would have been a path of turmoil/distructiveness ,by CATCHING THEE 1ST THOUGHT .... amasing the things we learn around here ,were all like becoming our own phyco therapists (sp) yr local longhair terry

FormerDoormat

Rhonda Byrne, author of "The Secret" says "thoughts become things," and I agree. So why not start thinking more highly of yourself? It worked for me.

NYC_Chick

FD - thanks! I've read "The Secret" and never thought of it as applying to my own self worth. It seemed to apply more to things external to me. I'll have to re-read it and think more about this aspect of it. This really helps today!!!