Gman813

Hi there,

New to a lot lately; Sober Recovery, message boards, seeking advice, asking for help, and thankfully living with someone in recovery! I've been trying to learn as much as I can about alcoholism, recovery and how to survive the changes. After spending hours doing web searches and just reading info (confusing myself more), I came across this site and read a few posts. I've been going to al Anon, it seems to help some, but having trouble finding someone who I can relate to, most I've met are either still dealing with an active A or are ACOA. That's not to say they don't understand, and are helpful. I will admit I'm just starting to let go of that crisis mode of thinking. My wife is 81 days sober, started in a rehab, and has been doing great with out pt and AA meetings.

We've been married almost 12 years; things started getting out of control about 5 years ago. We've always drank, but she had a bad accident at work and she started mixing pills and beer to deal with it. As I've been learning, we went down the hill right according the textbook. Now, things are improving at a steady pace. She is doing great, seems at times it's harder on me than her.

This week issue I can't seem to get out of my head though; Alcoholism - Disease v. Choice? I can't quite get it from paper to my head. I'm told (and don't argue) it is akin to cancer, but I can't seem to figure out where the line between compulsion and choice is. The biggest sticking point is the lies, about both the drinking and money spent. We both knew she had a problem, and I didn't like it, but we always have told each other "no matter what it is, all I want is the truth." I know that I should dwell on past issues, but this is a core violation.

Anyway, Thanks for any direction you can offer. I am without a doubt my own worst enemy these days. I know that I’ve just turned a corner to a very long road, with more potholes than the PA turnpike, but at least it's the right direction.

sailorjohn

I am fairly convinced that is a disease and probably genetic, I was an alcoholic the day I was born, a practicing alcoholic the day I took my first drink. I found an interesting book recommended on another forum, "Under The Influence" by a guy named Miliam sp?, state of the science research when it was published back in the early-mid eighties. Amazon has it for $6 in paperback, I bought four copies to justify the shipping, the order cost me $25 IIRC. A fascinating read, the author makes some very interesting observations regarding genetics and alcoholism, a genetic group with the highest rate of alcoholism has the shortest exposure time to alcohol-native Americans, groups like Italians and Jews have much lower rates and much longer exposure to the stuff. And his take on alcoholism is that alcoholics simply cannot process and break down alcohol like non-alcoholics. A good read.

peaceteach

Reading here, posting, trying out al-anon literature and codependency books can help you work on yourself and those issues you are finding difficulty in dealing with, Gman. One book that really opened my eyes to my role in it all was Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." You may see a lot of yourself in it. I found it enlightening. Congrats to your wife on her 81 days, and to you for sticking it out!

Barbara52

Welcome! I think you will find the support you seek in here. Many are where you are or have been there.

Personally I view alcoholism as a disease with an element of choice to it. The addict has the choice to continue in their disease or to stop the behavior. Not to say that choice is an easy one.

I found a few sessions of individual therapy to be very helpful for me in my own recovery.

RosieM

It's a tough question. My therapist said it was like someone who has horrible wounds and refuses to have them bandaged, ending up bleeding all over everyone around them. Which really hit home for me when my AH ended up bleeding all over my sofa after his alcohol related wreck. I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a metaphor but it ended up being reality in my case!

abcdefg

This was a huge issue for me when I began my own recovery in Al-anon. I absolutely REFUSED to believe that alcoholism is a disease. I willfully refused.

As my program evolved and I learned the facts about alcoholism, I have come to understand that it is a disease. I am not an alcoholic. I believe that is because I do not have what is referred to as "the allergy" to the drink. I can put one down. I have many, many relatives who can't. I just happened to fall off the family tree on the "not allergic" side. Recognizing MY not being an alcoholic was NOT due to some moral superiority on my part was a giant step in my recovery. I just don't have the allergy.

But I am deeply affected by the disease of alcoholism. I have my own messed up crap to deal with, including a history of making excuses, lying, judgment, covering up, denial, resentment, etc. etc.

So this is how I talk to myself about it (similar to Barbara's post): alcoholics don't choose to be alcoholics, they are sick people; however, they can and must choose recovery in order to live functional lives.

Now, what a particular A's path is to that choice varies greatly from individual to individual and I have no way of knowing what's best for them or what will be their bottom. Al-anon helps me stay out of the way, keeping the focus on myself, my needs, my behavior. It allows me to evaluate what effect someone else's behavior is having on my life, what I am and am not responsible for, and how I want to take care of myself. Then I get to do that and stay out of the other person's disease/program/recovery.

Thanks for the topic.

Gman813

Thank you all, I've been spending too much time in my own head lately, and that is a pretty mixed up place these days. No question, I'm going into information overload, and needed some perspective other than my own.

Thanks