Ric

This is going to be a post thats very hard for me.
I haven't posted on the board in a while, I guess I have been doing some major thinking.

Today is my birthday and I cant believe hoe depressed I am.

For those who don't remember, I have been an Opiate addict for about 5 years.
Mostly Hydrocodone and Oxycodone, but occasionally Heroin when my Rx ran out.

I have been though withdrawal countless times. And I cant go on anymore with being sick one week out of the year. There have been periods of time when I have been clean for 2 or sometimes 5 months.

Im not trying to wimp out, but I do have some major physical pain. So, its not that I entirely abuse the opiates. I do take them for relief, but as we all know, they get out of hand.

I am contiplating just staying on the Opiates and trying to lead a normal life. I am currently finishing my degree in college and I can mange my opiate addiction and school pretty well.

This is a very hard thing for me, because I know that when I keep using and abusing opiates isn't the best thing in the world for me. But I cant live with being sick 1-2 weeks out of the year.

Please share your thoughts.

best

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Have you looked into other forms of pain control?

serenityqueen

You began by stating that you're an addict and have been for about 5 years.

Then you state your drug(s) of choice and that you move to heroin WHEN your script runs out.

Then you begin to go into denial, minimizing, justifying, and just flat out addictive thinking.

If you have to go through detox, you are abusing the drug. Abusing the drug makes you an addict.

An addict cannot control their usage. You stated that you run out of the pills so you are not able to manage it like you said.

I too have genuine, physical pain. I have two medical conditions that could get me any RX written IF I CHOOSE TO. But I don't. If I do, I might as well save everyone who loves me a great deal of time and just put a gun to my head and end it quickly. Because if I put a narcotic pill in me, one single pill, I am out of control. I have found other successful ways to help with the pain rather than Opiates. Towards the end of my using, the narcotics didn't touch the physical pain anyway, they only kept me from being dope sick.

It sounds like you are trying to rationalize your usage, which is actually abuse. You admit that you take more than you should.

If you're wanting an ok to keep abusing yourself by trying to convince yourself that you are ok to use, then I'm afraid this post ends here.

I can't do that.

I know addictive behavior. I've been where you are right now.

My friend, you are an addict. You cannot control usage.

Surrender!:ghug2

Paulie

You sound like a sponsee I have. She had been using with real pain just like you for years. She wasnt even aware of what pain was real anymore, she is now off of them and dealing with her pain in different ways.

Pain is real, but with years of abuse of drugs we lose touch with how much of it is real.

If it was working for you, or you even thought it might work for you, you would not be posting here. You know the truth, you need to stop.

TiredMama

Wow, this sounds so familiar. I don't want to turn your thread around onto me but I went through this in college. I tried to make myself think that I HAD to stay on tramadol because I couldn't handle the w/d's and that I needed to be on them to finish school. (BTW- I have been abusing opiates, all of them, for almost 8 years, it's just at that time, it was tramadol because it was the only thing I could get a hold of).

I thought I had it under control. I was sadly mistaken.

I am convinced these are those drugs talking and not you.

Please keep posting how you are feeling.

Ric

I dont think Im in denial at all.
Yes Im an addict, yes I abuse Opiates, Yes I am sorta giving up if you will.
I dont know where to turn.
I actually just today starting learning about Subotex [SP?]
But I know thats not a cure, because that itself is an opiate.

All I can say is right now, it feels like with all the stress in my life (legal, school, work, family and medically) quitting all together would be pushing me over the edge.

The longest I have been sober was 5 months, and honestly looking back on it. It wasn't that great.

Remember, everyones pain is different. I was 8 years old walking down the street and hit by a car that was driven by a drunk driver. He broke my back in two places, broke my jaw and shoulder. Plus having a poor single mother I wasn't able to get good treatment after the injury.

So even today, when I go to bed I hurt, and when I wake up I hurt and this continues all day long. This isn't so much as an excuse, but the facts of where my physical pain comes from.
I just feel like I have won a few battles, but I am losing the war.

Paulie

If I thought I was in denial, I wouldnt be in denial .


You are right, everyones pain is different. But IMO someone on pain meds for 5 years has no idea if they are still in pain or to what degree. Our minds are very powerful.

You cant give up, there is always hope as long as we can still take a breath in.

You dont know where to turn.....call your dr, tell him/her exactly what you posted here, make a plan of action. Get to a meeting.....you have choices.

shockozulu

Chronic Pain Patient here. I still go off my meds at least once a year for several weeks to make sure I need them. Its a way to double check that I am not on them to abuse them, as I am an addict, as well as check my pain levels.

The first week is always painful. The pain medication, even the stuff like Motrin, does naturally have a rebound when I go off. I expect that now, and take my med vacation over break. Its not the funnest way to take a break from school but its safest for me, my addiction, and my body in general.

kari08

Hi Ric,
I could have written that same post.. actually if you read my blog story it reads like yours. I too have Chronic debilitating pain.. but everything that is said here is the truth. Once you abuse/use these pain pill so long.. the real pain is no longer real. I couldn't tell you some days if I had pain or if the "pain" was because I went too long without a pill.. or if was just my body getting old.. those pains DO NOT require drugs.. they require good eating and exercise. Or if this or if that.. I have tried about every kind of therapy out there and there are somedays when I get out and go for a nice walk and actually take care of myself that I can go to bed without crying in pain. and I have learned if I take my morning slower set the alarm a little earlier and actually do some "bed exercises" nooo get your mind out of the gutter not sex, but exercises.. like stretches while I lay down.. leg lifts, and shoulder stretches all while the bed is supporting me, instead of jumping up out of bed.. some mornings this helps.. helps the muscles warm up before I demand them to start supporting me for the day. It is a mind game.. the mind saying that it is stupid to take ibu or tylenol cause it just isn't going to work.. I have found sometimes.. it does. It is just enough to get through without having to take a percocet. And if that fails and you can't be in control of your pill bottles then you need to find someone to hold them and be accountable to give you the prescribed dose and no more no matter what. These are just suggestions of course, but there are a lot of people out there like you. And to just say screw it.. I am taking the pills.. means the addiction has won..
blessings
Kari

faithhopelovejr

One pill is too many, and a 1000 isn't enough.

You're a FUNCTIONING addict. Active addiction will always provide you with excuses for continuing to use, or "tapering off." There is no gray area with sobriety. You either commit to it, or the downward spiral continues.

From the mouth of my XAH who is currently using (again), when he was in rehab, he stated,"I know now I wasn't in pain. I'm just a pillhead." He became addicted to pain pills after a back injury that required surgery. He's had two surgeries. He is a very active person. He WAS a healthy person with a back injury. Now he's unhealthy because of addiction.

If you're on this website, it's not by accident. You know what you need to do. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck.

tinao

I am also a chronic pain patient...and 4 yrs ago I was detoxed off oxycontin and all other opiates with subutex(sp?) for 10 days so I didn't have the same severe w/d I usually did..I kept waiting for the pain to come back ..and amazingly it did not!! I did not feel good but I just have to realize the most severe pain I used to have was because my nerve endings were so used to being numb and suddenly they had to feel everything!! It gets better and better and even though I find it hard to walk and move sometimes I just work it out and remember it is better than the sick hamster wheel I was on..I have to say that I relapsed after 3 1/2 years but not due to pain issues but due to allowing stress to overcome me and not wkg my program...I have been back clean a few mths and I know how wonderful I feel again...a week or two of being sick is more than worth the good feelings you get..and if you don't go back to using than you won't have to keep having those "sick weeks" over and over..