Another Step
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Another Step
Last night my AH and I went to an attorney to start our separation agreement. It was very tough, but it is another step to my recovery and I took it. I am so exhausted mentally that I feel like I could sleep for 100 years! I still know that I am doing the right thing, but it hurts. Again, I sit here and think how did I end up here??? I am not sure that matters as long as I move forward and don't get "here" again, but it is mind boggling.
My daughter continues to have a hard time. She didn't go to school yesterday. Didn't talk much when I got home. Fought with me after we went the lawyer and then promptly left my pillow and blankets outside her door... guess that meant "take the couch". Which I did, not worth fighting with her. I am trying my best with her and have support from the school guidance counselor, but my daughter is rebeling against that too. She is going, but is not very open to the discussion. 14 is a tough age for anyone. I keep trying to remember that. She doesn't understand addiction... I'm not about to lecture on it and she has never known any different in her life. I have spent my time protecting her and making sure that I did all I could to balance or defend her father... bad move. She's all loving with him, and full of anger for me.
I love her more than anything in the world and it hurts so much. Suggestions, support ... anything.... just need someone who understands to talk to me. Thanks.
My daughter continues to have a hard time. She didn't go to school yesterday. Didn't talk much when I got home. Fought with me after we went the lawyer and then promptly left my pillow and blankets outside her door... guess that meant "take the couch". Which I did, not worth fighting with her. I am trying my best with her and have support from the school guidance counselor, but my daughter is rebeling against that too. She is going, but is not very open to the discussion. 14 is a tough age for anyone. I keep trying to remember that. She doesn't understand addiction... I'm not about to lecture on it and she has never known any different in her life. I have spent my time protecting her and making sure that I did all I could to balance or defend her father... bad move. She's all loving with him, and full of anger for me.
I love her more than anything in the world and it hurts so much. Suggestions, support ... anything.... just need someone who understands to talk to me. Thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
((((imallright))))
First of all, good for you for getting to the atty. Both of you! That right there is a major hurdle and help in itself. My AH is still "threatening" to get an atty. I wish he would, but that would mean facing reality and he is not there yet.
I'm so sorry about your daughter. I can't imagine how much it must hurt. It is a tough age anyway as you said and on top of it all this is confusing for her. But, she is still watching you and what you do and how you handle this, don't think for a moment she isn't. She's counting on you to be the Mom you've always been for her - being there and trying to understand. So, just keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're doing great, you're teaching her how to make decisions and that she too will have a right to happiness when she is an adult. I know it doesn't make it easier right now, but it sounds like you've always been a great Mom, she knows that, and nothing is going to change that!
Take care of yourself!
First of all, good for you for getting to the atty. Both of you! That right there is a major hurdle and help in itself. My AH is still "threatening" to get an atty. I wish he would, but that would mean facing reality and he is not there yet.
I'm so sorry about your daughter. I can't imagine how much it must hurt. It is a tough age anyway as you said and on top of it all this is confusing for her. But, she is still watching you and what you do and how you handle this, don't think for a moment she isn't. She's counting on you to be the Mom you've always been for her - being there and trying to understand. So, just keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're doing great, you're teaching her how to make decisions and that she too will have a right to happiness when she is an adult. I know it doesn't make it easier right now, but it sounds like you've always been a great Mom, she knows that, and nothing is going to change that!
Take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It took my sons a number of years to truly understand some of the difficult choices I made. It was interesting to watch their relationship with their dad develop once I got out of the way... today it's all good, but there were some times in there when I thought it was going to be awful forever!
You're doing the best you can do. It's good that you're communicating with the school counselor. Would she go to Ala Teen meetings? She might really benefit from those.
PS 14 is an incredibly difficult age. I am a survivor myself, having seen 5 kids thru that dark time! (my 2 sons and 3 stepchildren)
You're doing the best you can do. It's good that you're communicating with the school counselor. Would she go to Ala Teen meetings? She might really benefit from those.
PS 14 is an incredibly difficult age. I am a survivor myself, having seen 5 kids thru that dark time! (my 2 sons and 3 stepchildren)
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
missed this post earlier.
I do know the feeling of " how did i get here?" I would be pulling into my new place and think that. I would get this surprised feeling like " What happened?" " why am i here?"
Whenever I felt that way it would surprise me.
Leaving was the best decision i had at that time. I knew that. and
i loved my new place. I liked the freedom from the stress, pain and anxiety. i didn't have to worry about coming home and wondering what mood I was going to walk in to.
So why did i sometimes feel like that?
I think I would feel that way every time it sunk in a little more that the relationship didn't work the way I wanted it to and I wished it had.
The separation doesn't have to mean the end but it means you have boundaries that no longer can handle the relationship up close. Relationships such as these need " One Day at a Time" also. If that is where you are then maybe explain only that to her?
Having a child involved is hard. do know that they take it out on the one they feel is the safest one to open up to. Not the one they love the least. Let her vent but don't let her control or hurt. Keep letting her talk. Don't worry so much about trying to explain why. she knows even as she protects him. Maybe see if she will try an Al-Ateen meeting?
My heart goes out to all of you.
Keep working on yourself and the other relationships will follow the way they are supposed to work out.
Prayers.
I do know the feeling of " how did i get here?" I would be pulling into my new place and think that. I would get this surprised feeling like " What happened?" " why am i here?"
Whenever I felt that way it would surprise me.
Leaving was the best decision i had at that time. I knew that. and
i loved my new place. I liked the freedom from the stress, pain and anxiety. i didn't have to worry about coming home and wondering what mood I was going to walk in to.
So why did i sometimes feel like that?
I think I would feel that way every time it sunk in a little more that the relationship didn't work the way I wanted it to and I wished it had.
The separation doesn't have to mean the end but it means you have boundaries that no longer can handle the relationship up close. Relationships such as these need " One Day at a Time" also. If that is where you are then maybe explain only that to her?
Having a child involved is hard. do know that they take it out on the one they feel is the safest one to open up to. Not the one they love the least. Let her vent but don't let her control or hurt. Keep letting her talk. Don't worry so much about trying to explain why. she knows even as she protects him. Maybe see if she will try an Al-Ateen meeting?
My heart goes out to all of you.
Keep working on yourself and the other relationships will follow the way they are supposed to work out.
Prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
CeCe....
Thanks. You are a very wise woman. I appreciate your words, thoughts and the time you took to help me. I especially appreciate your thoughts on how and why my daughter is reacting to me in the way she is. Last night was actually quite nice. She and I went to an activity together and then went to get a bite to eat. A friend of ours was with us and I think that helped to buffer things and we actually talked and laughed. Again, I think a good deal of this is being 14 and then add the craziness of our world at the moment and it makes for some real pain at times. The piece that I think is the most helpful to me this morning, is "one day at a time"..... easy to say and sometimes easy to forget. BUT... so key to getting to a better place. I will definitely share that with her. Have a great day.
Thanks. You are a very wise woman. I appreciate your words, thoughts and the time you took to help me. I especially appreciate your thoughts on how and why my daughter is reacting to me in the way she is. Last night was actually quite nice. She and I went to an activity together and then went to get a bite to eat. A friend of ours was with us and I think that helped to buffer things and we actually talked and laughed. Again, I think a good deal of this is being 14 and then add the craziness of our world at the moment and it makes for some real pain at times. The piece that I think is the most helpful to me this morning, is "one day at a time"..... easy to say and sometimes easy to forget. BUT... so key to getting to a better place. I will definitely share that with her. Have a great day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with what the others said, especially when codienewife said that a child will take out their frustrations on the "safe" parent. It has nothing to do with her loving you less than him. It actually is because she KNOWS you love her and won't abandon her. She probably isn't so sure that her dad won't abandon her, so is trying to make sure this doesn't happen the only way she knows how...by siding with him.
My 14-year-old niece lives with me, my dad, and stepmom. We are constantly fighting, because she is spoiled and thinks the world revolves around her. She tells me she hates me every time we get in an argument. However, when her biological dad (a crack addict) was in a wreck and she was thinking about going to the hospital to see him, she wanted me to come along with her because she said "I'm safe with you, I know you've always got my back". She knows that when she's right, I will back her up, but when she's wrong, I will let her know.
It's not an easy place to be, and it hurts like hell when she tells me she hates me, even though I know she doesn't and she always apologizes later. I just figure that she has to have ONE adult in her life who is consistent and won't be manipulated.
So, my best advice...do what you've been doing. Realize that she's acting out because she hasn't figured out how else to deal with her feelings. The more she sees how YOU react to things, the more she learns. I would still make sure you have boundaries where she's concerned, because they will surely take a mile if you give an inch. I always tell my niece "I know you're angry, you have a right to be angry, but you don't have a right to cuss me out!"
And congratulations on getting the lawyer! It's going to be tough for a while, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My 14-year-old niece lives with me, my dad, and stepmom. We are constantly fighting, because she is spoiled and thinks the world revolves around her. She tells me she hates me every time we get in an argument. However, when her biological dad (a crack addict) was in a wreck and she was thinking about going to the hospital to see him, she wanted me to come along with her because she said "I'm safe with you, I know you've always got my back". She knows that when she's right, I will back her up, but when she's wrong, I will let her know.
It's not an easy place to be, and it hurts like hell when she tells me she hates me, even though I know she doesn't and she always apologizes later. I just figure that she has to have ONE adult in her life who is consistent and won't be manipulated.
So, my best advice...do what you've been doing. Realize that she's acting out because she hasn't figured out how else to deal with her feelings. The more she sees how YOU react to things, the more she learns. I would still make sure you have boundaries where she's concerned, because they will surely take a mile if you give an inch. I always tell my niece "I know you're angry, you have a right to be angry, but you don't have a right to cuss me out!"
And congratulations on getting the lawyer! It's going to be tough for a while, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
ImAllRight,
I had a very wise woman tell me (during my divorce from AH) to remember, "Your children are watching you" and that they were learning life lessons from my actions. You don't know now what lessons your child will take with her, but I sense they will help her someday in making powerful decisions regarding her own choices and future. I think you are giving her a great role-model, and also showing her how to handle things with grace, maturity, and love
I had a very wise woman tell me (during my divorce from AH) to remember, "Your children are watching you" and that they were learning life lessons from my actions. You don't know now what lessons your child will take with her, but I sense they will help her someday in making powerful decisions regarding her own choices and future. I think you are giving her a great role-model, and also showing her how to handle things with grace, maturity, and love
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