March
member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
March
It's been a while since I was last sober for this long; three weeks is a modest stretch of time, but it is significant to me. My timing couldn't have been worse though - I know there is no such thing as a bad time for starting recovery, but I feel that way.
Some of you might know about passion for mythology. March honours Mars, the Roman god of war; according to tradition, all Romans were his direct descendants. In the Northern hemisphere, this month is also related to the beginning of Spring, with daylight hours growing steadily until they peak in June, at which point the darkness begins descending again. But enough blabbing.
March is the one month I dread; year in and year out, for some reason it's always crammed full of unpleasant and horrifying surprises. I shall not go into the all the details, let's just say that I am hurting tremendously right now. My usual attitude was to endure these anniversaries in a drunken stupor. Sober, I need to grieve. I am struggling a lot. To me, March is a mine field, so I am treading lightly and praying it won't all blow up in my face.
Matt - just needed to vent
Some of you might know about passion for mythology. March honours Mars, the Roman god of war; according to tradition, all Romans were his direct descendants. In the Northern hemisphere, this month is also related to the beginning of Spring, with daylight hours growing steadily until they peak in June, at which point the darkness begins descending again. But enough blabbing.
March is the one month I dread; year in and year out, for some reason it's always crammed full of unpleasant and horrifying surprises. I shall not go into the all the details, let's just say that I am hurting tremendously right now. My usual attitude was to endure these anniversaries in a drunken stupor. Sober, I need to grieve. I am struggling a lot. To me, March is a mine field, so I am treading lightly and praying it won't all blow up in my face.
Matt - just needed to vent
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Sorry to hear that this is a rocky month for you. Just try to stay casual & remember that each day is a gift. Sobriety (apparently) is a gift. Now what are you going to do with that gift? Keep busy....make your mind at ease.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rogue Valley
Posts: 65
you're brave!!
Matt, I know Im very new to this group, but I am excited about the collective hug I feel you all have given to me. To be staying strong in a month that gives you such heartache is a very brave thing. You're a strong warrior, and you will get thru this! and by the way I very much enjoyed your "vent"!!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Oh Matty!
Your doing great. Sometimes you gotta face things to overcome them.
It is hard but it heals.
December is my month. With all the holidays and 2 tragedies in the past. I go for months of self destruction. Which never makes it better either. It makes me worse and so I use more and when I finally do snap out of it. The aftermath is horrifying.
This past December is when I started my 70 some days that I got for the first time ever. I went to rehab and came out and did really good.
Well until you know when. But you know. I was hurting so bad and having to open up about the things that made that month especially hard for me. I was honest and really reviewed all of it and it seemed different that time.
Because I wasnt high as hell thinking about it. Drowning my sorrows in a pipe.
It was relieving.
I may not even be talking about anything close to what your talking about.
You know I just like to run my mouth.
But know it does get better. It is possible to heal. And there is definately lots of people here that care about you.
Oh and by the way..
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253F partner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824MSUS%2526i%253D10 %252F10%255F6%255F4%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_6_4.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252F nocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egi f%253Fi%253D10%252F10_6_4/image.gif"></a>
Your doing great. Sometimes you gotta face things to overcome them.
It is hard but it heals.
December is my month. With all the holidays and 2 tragedies in the past. I go for months of self destruction. Which never makes it better either. It makes me worse and so I use more and when I finally do snap out of it. The aftermath is horrifying.
This past December is when I started my 70 some days that I got for the first time ever. I went to rehab and came out and did really good.
Well until you know when. But you know. I was hurting so bad and having to open up about the things that made that month especially hard for me. I was honest and really reviewed all of it and it seemed different that time.
Because I wasnt high as hell thinking about it. Drowning my sorrows in a pipe.
It was relieving.
I may not even be talking about anything close to what your talking about.
You know I just like to run my mouth.
But know it does get better. It is possible to heal. And there is definately lots of people here that care about you.
Oh and by the way..
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253F partner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824MSUS%2526i%253D10 %252F10%255F6%255F4%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_6_4.gif" alt="SmileyCentral.com" border="0"><img border="0" src="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fimgfarm%252Ecom%252Fimages%252F nocache%252Ftr%252Ffw%252Fsmiley%252Fsocial%252Egi f%253Fi%253D10%252F10_6_4/image.gif"></a>
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hey Matt
Perhaps ask yourself why you give a set of days so much power. Are you giving March permission to rip you asunder? Another thing to be powerless in the face of?
We must be careful what we cede power to. I am vulnerable to alcohol. I didn't ask for that. But I sure did acquire it and it cannot, will not change.
Then there are the things I consent to being vulnerable to. You know what? There aren't many. In fact, outside human tragedy, I consent to being vulnerable only to those I love.
I was talking with M'lady about that the other day. I give her permission to hurt me. She takes advantage (mostly unintentionally) of that sometimes. I told her that I can "put up the shields." I have experience with that in the past. But I refuse to with her. If I am to love her completely, I must trust her completely. That she will be gentle with my most tender parts. Physically and emotionally.
If you give March permission to hurt you it will. I don't know, perhaps you have good reason. If you do, then perhaps work on acceptance of that. "The serenity to accept or the courage to change..." That may be your dilemma right now. Knowing you, I think you can resolve it.
Friend Warren
Perhaps ask yourself why you give a set of days so much power. Are you giving March permission to rip you asunder? Another thing to be powerless in the face of?
We must be careful what we cede power to. I am vulnerable to alcohol. I didn't ask for that. But I sure did acquire it and it cannot, will not change.
Then there are the things I consent to being vulnerable to. You know what? There aren't many. In fact, outside human tragedy, I consent to being vulnerable only to those I love.
I was talking with M'lady about that the other day. I give her permission to hurt me. She takes advantage (mostly unintentionally) of that sometimes. I told her that I can "put up the shields." I have experience with that in the past. But I refuse to with her. If I am to love her completely, I must trust her completely. That she will be gentle with my most tender parts. Physically and emotionally.
If you give March permission to hurt you it will. I don't know, perhaps you have good reason. If you do, then perhaps work on acceptance of that. "The serenity to accept or the courage to change..." That may be your dilemma right now. Knowing you, I think you can resolve it.
Friend Warren
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Matt, I think you're right that you may need to grieve. I think it's a process that people have to go through. Sometimes it's prolonged and of course, drinking would do that.
Matt, try to not live in fear.
Dancing in the Light is wonderful.
Matt, try to not live in fear.
Dancing in the Light is wonderful.
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