bwgaede

I have been to Al-Anon meetings and read literature myself when I can. I am 24, and have probably gone through one of the most confuising situations in my life. For you who dont know my story I will make it short and snappy,

Met a women about 2 1/2 years ago, after a while notice when we would go out she would drink herself stupid, more than 4 times a week. Suggested that she get some help (due to family alcoholism in the family), but I was not the only one to tell her this. We were seeing a counseler together, and she told her the same thing. So she did, and started going to AA and taking it seriously (which is awsome). Boy did things get difficult then, she wanted to stop having sexual relationship with me (due to abuse from first boyfriend when she was 16), then it seemed as if she would avoid to hang out with me sometimes, but still said things like I love you and want to have your kids......... Anyways in october she told me that we should take a break. I was very hurt by this and did not understand.

Although I will never fully understand, I do understand that this is her recovery and she is in no position to give to a relationship now. Back in december she relapsed for the first time since she stop drinking in May 2007. After thanksgiving she told me that she wanted me back, and missed me and how she wanted to take things slow with me after she was done with college in december...... After she relapsed she backed off, and told me she is in no shape to give to relationship.

I know deep down that she wants to be with me, and loves me, but cant at this point in her recovery. I know that alot of you know my story but I think that I have grown to the point where I dont take it personal. She told me I would get to know the real her when she is ready.

Thanks for listening
Brad

reed

Go meet some other women who don't have issues & leave this one alone, for good.

Anna

Hi,

Obviously this woman is working on her recovery and is not clear about her feelings at this point.

You need to make a decision about what is best for you.

Rella927

I would have to say that it appears that she is working on her recovery and as Anna stated she is "not clear about her feelings at this point" which happens to a lot of people when they are in recovery for whatever reason.

I know it sounds cliche but let her go and if she comes back then if it fits into your life at the time then it will be....if not then at least you have not wasted time or energy on something that obviously just cannot be right now. Do what you need for YOU and what you feel is best for yourself, not for her.

Growing

Don't feel guilty if you move on....you don't have to wait for her....write her a letter and explain that you need some kind of closure if that is the case...and then give yourself a break! You seem like a great person...she just has you stuck in limbo. Her "limbo" isn't your responsibility. You both need to move on and focus on your individual recovery...and...you never know what the future has in store for you...whether it includes her or not...but if it does include her....there will be no denying it...you will know by her actions and not her words.

Jules62

"I know deep down that she wants to be with me, and loves me, but cant at this point in her recovery"

And there's your answer.I feel for you.It's difficult to let someone you love, go.However-it sounds like she has a lot of work to do first before she can possibly be in a committed relationship.

I really am a believer in 'if it's meant to be-it'll happen.' It's often when I let something or someone go that something better comes back to me and it's not always what I thought it would be.

You don't have to go 'find someone else' necessarily, but yes, I'd leave her to her recovery for the meantime, otherwise you could spend the next year dealing with the 'come here-go away' dynamic, and that can simply tear you up emotionally.

I wish you well.

Jules.

mle-sober

I think I'm going to come off a little harsh here but just know that I'm saying what I'm saying because I want to help you.

You say, ""I know deep down that she wants to be with me, and loves me, but cant at this point in her recovery." That is such a strange statement. How can you know in your heart what she wants? All evididence points to the fact that even she doesn't know what she wants. Thinking you do is pretty codependant. Maybe you *feel* in your own heart pulled to her and like she is the one for you and that becomes you thinking you know what she wants? Just a guess.

Everything about this woman yells danger to me. What is your payoff from keeping your path somehow attached to hers? Is there some reason that you want to be a caretaker? Or is there a reason you like emotional upheaval? If I were you, I would try to figure out what I get from being the partner of someone is is unreliable, selfish and an alcoholic who may or may not be actually in recovery.

I think what you have in this relationship is not a chance for a mutual and supportive partnership but rather a chance to learn more about yourself and why you are attracted to someone who does not fully contribute to the relationship.

Good luck to you.

Jules62

Or-perhaps it's simply that he really loves her? Not all relationships are codependant or based on need.Just pointing that out.

Dee74

I too, get a little tired here when love always seem to = codependence.
IMO, only the original poster can attempt make that judgement.

D

warrens

BW

Your post is entitled "A Question to All." But I don't really see the question! Your post has a beginning, a middle, and what seems like a resolution. It seems like you have a firm handle on reality while struggling with feelings.

I'm not sure anyone else is qualified to advise you. Others lack the context and reality of your relationship. Codependence is a very value laden term.

I do admire that you see beyond "recovering addict" in this woman. Many see only "danger" in such relationships. As in "normal" relationships, each one is unique and different. Good luck!

warrens

mle-sober

Yes - I noticed there wasn't really a question too. I took a guess that he wanted feedback since he posted the thread. (Bwgaede?) I think feedback and support is intergral to the site - I mean why would we even be here? And he did title his post as a question to all. No one's pretending to give professional advice. I'm certainly not. I feel like I just responded with what I felt and thought and got barked at by a few people here. I guess no one likes the "codependant" term.

I don't care what you call it, the question is the same. Why do you stay with someone who doesn't act like they care about you? I don't think we can control who we are attracted to. But I think we can make wise decisions in terms of who we stay with. And Bwgaede's account is clearly an account of someone struggling with that issue. She has made moves toward him several times only to back off decisively shortly after. And in the end, tells him that he doesn't get to know the real her until she's ready. I think that sounds like a relationship that is a lot of work and may never lead anywhere except to more drama and pain.

warrens

MLE

I'm not sure who you thought might be "barking" at you-it certainly wasn't me.

You gave an opinion and I gave mine. Mine was directed at the poster and not you.

My reading of his "query" seemed to reveal a young man with a pretty good handle on things.

Many in the therapy community question the validity of the term codependence; I was simply pointing that out. While I certainly think that it exists, I also think it is too loosely applied these days.

I have taken to, as part of my personal "therapy," reading and posting on the "friends and family" forums. Very painful and difficult to do. Many threads are simply "throw the bum out" tirades. I stay away from those. But many involve spouses who are truly hurt, confused, and seeking input.

When I reply, I am VERY careful not to suggest any direction in resolution. I would never suggest to anyone WHAT they should do or even consider. Way too dangerous and complex, I think. It would be safer for me to try to pilot a 747.

Peace

warren

Jules62

Hi Mle-sober!

I'm sorry if you thought I was barking at you.I really wasn't.I was very calm when I posted-and just wanted to present another option to the situation.No harm intended.
I'm not worried by the term codependant-heck I have years of experience with it-LOL.I just wanted to say that it may not be that too.But I'm aware I could be wrong-and that's fine as well.

I appreciate that we all see things differently-and that's often what really helps-to be given a chance to weigh up what is ultimately true for us.I agree none of us here can really know what goes on in this relationship-but I like to offer support via a few thoughts, when I can, if asked.

I wish you well in your recovery,

Jules

BigSis

At 24, I felt very CLEAR about what I wanted.... even when it changed. And it changed... often.

There is a lot of growth that happens in our twenties, as we come into full adulthood. Alanon is a great place to figure out stuff about ourselves... what tools to keep, what weapons to set down... what triggers different behaviors in ourselves.

I hope you can find some great study groups in Alanon and do some of the work suggested by the 12 steps... by starting at such a relatively young age, the outcome is bound to be VERY incredible.


Time takes time.... and I hope that you can spend yours focusing on you - what you want, what you need and where you are going.


(((hugs)))

TiredMama

I wanted to add that I totally agree with 51anna.

I think he just wants support and that is it.

bwgaede

I know that i forgot to really include a question.... I realized that after I read what I typed> I wanted to thank you all for your input, because I was in great need of it. I usually post in "friends and family members" and just decided to try a different thread.

I dont know what she wants and niether does she. I talk to her about once a week and text message here and there. I talk to her a couple days ago and asked her about the situation of her coming back and saying that stuff to me and then backing off. She told me the feelings were real. But she needs to figure out herself more so that she can give to a relationship. That is why she backed off....

And i guess the question I was trying to get at was more insight from people who have gone through what she is going through. I dont know what happens to someone who is recovering. Thats why I sound so confused.

laurie6781

As confused as you sound and feel, multiply it by 1000 and that is how she is feeling.

I thought I was "well" at 18 months sober and got married. That marriage lasted 4 1/2 years. Turns out even though I really believed I was in love with Kenn in reality I was in love with 'the idea of marriage,' and having 'a partner.' Sheesh

It took me an additional 4 years of 'living totally alone' and not 'getting involved in a relationship' just 'living with me' and learning to not only love but 'like me.'

You really may want to 're-think' where you are going with this, and Alanon (as has been suggested before to you) would be a good place to start. You see Alanon is for the friends and family of alcoholics, and not just 'practicing alcoholics'. Alanon can help YOU to help YOURSELF.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Grace2u

bwgeade,

You might also consider going to a few AA meetings (make sure they are "open" meetings, which means non-alcoholics are welcome to attend). This may help you to learn a bit about what recovery is like, from listening to alcoholics in recovery.

One piece of advice that is often heard (I heard it in rehab), is that the newly recovering alcoholic/addict should avoid making any major life changes in their first year of sobriety. Of course, that's not always possible, but the advice aims to protect the person from relapse (from unusual stress, for ex., like moving, quitting a job, divorce, etc.).

There's another thing we call HALTS. It's an acronym for the saying, "Never let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired". Even these things are seen as a potential threat to staying clean and sober.

Your girl friend may be getting similar advice right now, because her main focus should be to get sober and stay sober.

Hope this helps.